Desperate to save myself and my marriage

[BeagleGirl]

"That would be like saying that it doesn't matter what you do in your marriage, how you treat your partner... .but marriage is defined to be a "success" if it ends because at least one of you died, and a "failure" if you end the relationship in some way that doesn't involve death."

Just a little tangent here to remind us all that the manner of death is also considered a criteria in "finishing" a marriage.  Usually don't get a marriage medal for homicide.   

I'll join the group recommending individual therapy.  My therapist started as or MC and practically from day 1 was saying "A healthy marriage is built around two whole and healthy people".  It became obvious {to me} that MC was not moving us toward that goal, so we started seeing T individually.  I feel like that's the best of both worlds, because she has seen the dynamics and is informed by meeting with each spouse individually.  We agreed up front that she could share anything said in private sessions with the other spouse if she felt it was beneficial. 

I think that staying in the marriage requires more intense focus on self care and individual growth than leaving the marriage would (at least in the short term), so don't let the FOG get in the way of doing what you need for yourself.

[Grey Kitty]

Also, if you have any advice for marital counseling, please let me know. Past experiences taught me it is a platform to accuse me and paint herself as a victim. I get tangled up and deflated simply defending myself.

My advice is to expect more of the same--and if you are "lucky" enough to get a MC who is good enough not to let her run away and blame everything on you, most likely she will refuse to go back because "the MC is ganging up with you against her."

In other words, MC is likely to be a waste of time and money.

Affording a T will be tough. Have to make MC a priority for now, but I definitely need a T.

If she wants to go to MC, go ahead and give it another shot.

If you aren't most of the way there, your money will be far better spent on individual T, either for you or for her... .and you can only decide to go for yourself.

[insideout77]

Fantastic advice, all! Taking it all and running with it. Affording a T will be tough. Have to make MC a priority for now, but I definitely need a T. Wish I had done it 10 years ago. Regrets... .

I'm sure you know how much your advice means to somebody in my situation. There must be countless souls without therapists out there who never got the "ah hah" spark that led them to search out resources like this. Sharing your hard-earned wisdom is priceless--even sanity-saving--to those who find it.

Who knows, if I come out the right end of the tunnel I may become a wise old soul myself.

Forget the MC, almost nothing to gain but torturing yourself. Get your own T and get the self esteem to care for yourself!

[wendydarling]

I am locking this thread because it has reached its length limit. Part 2 continuation of the thread can be found here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311262.0