Wife with BPD traits... anxiety starting to affect her physical health

[jasbjj]

Greetings,

I am not going to bore any of you with the small details of my relationship with my wife, but I am convinced she has BPD (I've read all the books) and after 10 years of living together, it is finally starting to take its toll on her physical health.  Last week she had to go to the ER because of chest pains and difficulty breathing.  Her EKG, chest X-ray and extensive blood work all came back normal.  She had been complaining of mild chest pains during this past week and today she said the pains and shortness of breath were very intense.  Mind you, this was after she threw a screaming fit.

I am very concerned that if she does not get some sort of help to manage her anger, something terrible is going to happen.  As you can probably guess, she believes that I am the cause of all of her woes and that if I change, her anger will magically go away.  I have suggested separating but she told me if I divorced her then she would fight for full custody of our kids.  She displays functional borderline traits, meaning the worst of her is brought out only when she interacts with me.

I am at a loss of what to do next.  The only people she confides in are her parents and her mother also thinks I am the problem and her father chooses not to get involved.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hi jasbjj,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I feels depressing being blamed for everything in a r/s with a pwBPD.

I'm glad that you decided to join us, you'll find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance an support. You're not alone.

It helps to read as much as possible on the disorder you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. I can relate with your story, I felt like everything that I tried failed but there's a fundamental reason why your partner acts the way that she acts. A pwBP feel more negative feelings then positive ones, have low self esteem, low self worth and are incredibly critical on themselves internally.

A communication skill that will help with a pwBPD and in other areas in life and r/s's is validation

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it.

PS You'll find the lessons to the right side of the board 

[Healthy88]

If your wife is opposed to formal treatment and medication (the first path to consider), there are a lot of natural supplements that may benefit mood and help with anxiety. You can research it, but be sure to check with a doctor or pharmacist for any drug interactions before starting something new.

Good luck to you.

[ArleighBurke]

"Wife" thinks that HE is the problem... .Typical BPD.

You can certainly learn techniques to help yourself, and to help to prevent arguement from getting worse, but she will always be her. And if she is often angry - she will probably always be angry. You can learn to listen, not take things on board, not rev her up and move away when needed. All these things help you - but she will probably remain the same.

[jasbjj]

Thank you all for the feedback.

Mutt-  Thanks for directing me towards those links.  Just being on here and writing is therapy in itself and I am happy to be here.  Hopefully I will be able to give just as much advice as I take.

Healthy-  She is opposed to treatment because she doesn't think she is mentally ill.  She does not live a healthy lifestyle either i.e. no exercise, poor food choices, alcohol every night, so it would be difficult to get her to comply with a supplement schedule.  I am a personal trainer who is exercise-obsessed, but alas I have not been able to inspire her enough to stick to a regime in the 10 years we've been together.

Arleigh-  I can't allow her to remain the same.  My children do not deserve a mother who rages against their father and blames him for all of her woes.  They are the reason why I am still with her; I don't want them growing up in a broken home.  I am willing to invest hundreds of hours in order to "crack to code" so to speak but I want to make sure that the theory that I am applying to my situation has been tested and somewhat successful.  I blame myself for most of her behavior, as I believe that it is a function of me not setting boundaries early on in the relationship.  Speaking of boundaries, most of the BPD self-help books advise to walk away when she rages, but this is easier said then done when there is a 7 and 2 year old in the house.

By the way what is a pwBPD?

[ArleighBurke]

Sorry it's been so long since I've replied... .

pwBPD = partner with BPD

My children do not deserve a mother who rages against their father and blames him for all of her woes.  They are the reason why I am still with her; I don't want them growing up in a broken home. 

I can understand - I think I'm in the same situation. My kids are 13/10/7. I also don't want them growing up in a split home. I have approached my situation a few ways:
- I've worked on me. I have learnt how to respond better to her rages. I have learnt to not take them personally, and to hear her words as a cry for help, an expression of her pain. And as much as she's throwing daggers at me, I let her words and mood wash over me and try to support her. It's hard. I'm still learning.
- I've educated the kids. Obviously what we tell them depends on their age.
- For my 13yr old boy, i try to teach him the same as what I'm learning. I talk with him about the difference between FEELINGS and LOGIC. I teach him to "ignore the words - what FEELING is being conveyed" and respond to that. I tell him that mum had a tough childhood and so is "sensitive". All this should help hin in life not only with mum, but with girls, and other people.
- For my 10yr old. She knows that "mum gets stressed and yells" and "mum worries a lot". I am NOT telling them that mums behaviour is OK, but I am making sure they know it's not about them. I have also learnt to listen to my 10yr old more, just listen to her, hold her and not fix her problems unless she asks.
- For my 7yr old - I havn't had to do much yet - but I still listen.

When she rages, you may not be able to walk away if the kids are there. You can talk them away with you if required. You can also "stand up to mum" but in a GOOD way. Show the kids that you can hear her, and you can empathise. Learn the SET conversational technique - this will hopefully stop her mood from escalating - but also allow you to really listen to her.

My wife doesn't eat well and doesn't exercise. I actually think she feels intimidated because I *do* those things well. She says often she wants to change, but never does. I think she has a fear of failure - comparing herself to me. I try to encourage her in a very aroundabout way. I say "I'm walking down the shops to buy X - I'd love you to come with me!". It's movement at least. I also cook a fair bit - she can choose to eat what I've cooked or not. Her choice.