Confused and alone- unintentional abuse...

Thanks so much for reading this- I'm not really sure if I should be posting here, because my parents never consciously tried to hurt me but I'm such a mess from them and I am probably just weak.

My sister was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager. She would later be diagnosed with an extremely rare urea cycle disorder where she can't process protein right and it turns into ammonia into the bloodstream and causes extreme rages. Since she was diagnosed and has limited protein intake, the rages have stopped.

As a kid she would lock me in closets when I had a phobia of the dark, etc. She was always very angry at me when she did this, and I was worried she hated me. I also had a severe phobia of putting my face in the water when swimming, and she would grab me and hold me underwater for some seconds. While she did this though she was very happy, so I took it as a sign that she loved me (I was about six, but this shows my conception of "love" was already pretty messed up.)

It was simultaneously my job from this age on to calm my father's rages. These were like a toddler's rages but in the body of an adult. I would do this by acting exaggeratedly childlike and this would dissolve his anger. It was a super weird situation because as a six year old on, I was emotionally taking care of an adult by calculatedly acting as an adult's false idea of a child.

When I grew too old to be a convincing fake child my dad didn't seem to want much to do with me anymore, so I was passed over to my mom and my dad took my sister as 'his.' My parents fight almost constantly and vent about each other to me. I think this might have been a part of them not being able to express equal fondness for both children at once- a child was either allied to one parent or the other.

My mom has done so many wonderful things for me, things beyond basic sustenance... .but emotionally it's really hard. Any difference of opinion is seen as rejection, and she constantly needs validation for every thought she expresses. I am meant to know what she wants and do it without her telling me. She often says how much she loves spending time with me more than with her friends because they have likes and interests different from hers that she has to accomodate.

She is an extremely anxious person and as a kid I wasn't allowed to do chores in case I did them wrong, and at the same time was shamed for not doing chores and doubly shamed by her friends when she told them I didn't help. Right and wrong are determined by her shifting anxiety levels, not by any consistent moral system.

She has always been very obsessive about clothing. When I was living at home into my early 20's I'd often get sent back upstairs three or four times to change my stockings from one shade of grey to a different shade of grey.
When I was 11/12 when we'd go clothes shopping she would get this bizarre blank look in her eyes (she's usually laser focused) and rub between my legs "to see how the clothes fit." I'd get very angry and tell her to stop, and she'd say I'll stop and then the next second she's rubbing between my legs again. This happened over and over again almost like she was physically incapable of stopping. She eventually would get angry at me when for some reason she couldn't stop and repeat that she was just checking to see how the clothes fit. Even though this wasn't sexual abuse I have all the psychological symptoms of being sexually abused.

At the same time, my mom is the one who is the most supportive of me and the most functional in my family. It's weird how the only person in your family you can kind-of rely on is one who has caused you so much harm.

Both my parents have trouble seeing me as a person. In high-school I was a complete mess and failing due to stress. I was so dissociated I have very few memories of my teenage years. There was a school art show and a lot of people liked my work and complimented me to my parents who would respond by telling them that I was failing academically. It was not meant to be cruel on their part, it was literally like someone complimenting a lady's dress and then the lady responding out of modesty "oh, this old thing?".

I am forbidden from doing things or sabotaged when I try, then this is used as evidence that I am too weak and fragile and selfish to be a person who makes choices about their own life. I have a difficult time believing they aren't right about that because at 25 I'm still completely dependent , psychologically an utter agoraphobic mess and all my attempts at escape have failed.
I went to school for a while and while miserable did well, but then the violence at home became extremely intense and I was too distressed about it to function. For some reason my dad thought I could fix things if I came home. I ended up one night (when my parents were at their wit's end) being sent into my sister's room and having to spend several hours repeatedly pulling garbage bags off of my sister's head while she begged me to kill her.

I feel so guilty for being dependent. I don't live at home because it became violent. I was having to run out at all hours of the night onto the street to be physically safe. The psychologist told my parents they couldn't keep me there and had to find somewhere else for me to live. They got me an apartment, and for the first time in my life I was able to stand not completely hunched over from the constant fear. My mother will always tell random strangers that she pays for my apartment but not the reasons why I live there. I took a summer job and the three months I worked there wouldn't have covered a month's worth of rent. My family lives in a really expensive area and even 10 miles away is considered too far away to live and the distance an undue burden on my parents.

The issue is that none of these behaviors were meant to hurt me. The psychologist says that they truly believe they have always acted in my best interest and want me to be independent, and that the sabotage is all completely subconscious on their part. I don't know why the intent vs. non-intent matters so much to me in how I feel if I am entitled to try to be my own person and have my own life that is not built around taking care of them emotionally.

The psychologist is always reminding me that they are very good people damaged by their own upbringings but that doesn't mean I owe them my life. They are good people but don't know how to be good parents. Every time she says that though my brain translates it into that I don't have a right to escape and that it is my fault for being so effected by things. I don't know how to make my brain stop doing that. She has diagnosed me with c-ptsd but seems a bit confused as to what might have caused it.

I've been seeing her since I was 7 and she has been the person I can most rely on, but recently I have felt sometimes a little bit betrayed. Today she told me my conflicted feelings/anger towards my parents are very normal feelings for teenagers and young adults to have. She didn't mean it like this but my brain made the implication that I was weak to be so handicapped by feelings/experiences everyone goes through. I am worried she is angry that I have not been able to escape and thinks maybe I am too lazy and don't want it enough. Maybe I am too lazy and don't want it enough.

I had a boyfriend who early on in the relationship held my legs open and touched between even though I told him not to. I always think I am paranoid/oversensitive so I thought he didn't intend it as sexual assault and just got carried away and excused him for it. My psychologist agreed with me on that, but then later on when things became obviously abusive she helped me to escape. Throughout my life she has defended me against my parents to the best of her ability. No one is perfect and I guess these little feelings of betrayal are just part of growing up and realizing no one is perfect and people make mistakes, realizing you can never count on anyone 100%.

I feel so alone though.

I feel so confused about people's motivations and what I owe them and if they are being nice to me to be nice or to manipulate me and trap me in debt forever. My mom does nice things for me and I feel angry that maybe she's trying to control me, then like a horrible, crazy person that I am feeling resentful when someone is doing something nice for me!

I feel like its because I'm so weak that I've been effected by my parent's treatment and so the damage is my fault and my fault for not trying hard enough to escape and build my own life.

I feel bad for thinking angry thoughts about my parents when they are good people who did their best.

I have never had any friends because I was too emotionally worn out dealing with my family.
I have had no childhood and no adolescence and I'm not getting any younger. The only escape is death but I'm not allowed to die for the same reason I'm not allowed to live: it would hurt my parents.

I'm really sorry this is such a long and disorganized post. I don't know if anyone will read it but if your are reading it thank you for listening.



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