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Author Topic: So frustrated  (Read 353 times)
Leaflet

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 17


« on: January 17, 2017, 08:44:27 PM »

I was holding out hope that my Mom would tell the therapist the truth when she went today. I didn't even realize how hopeful I was until I was disappointed after I spoke with my Mom. My Mom told me that the therapist agreed that my Mom is in an impossible situation because my Dad is so horrible. (They are divorced and do not speak.) My Mom's primary goal in most interactions that might involve my father (like holidays) is to get my sister and I to speak to him and see him as little as possible. My mother and step-father even went so far as to ask my sister why she likes our father. My Dad has his quirks, but he is not a horrible person. They've been divorced 12 years, and I just can't understand why she still harbors so much resentment towards him.

I think I'm frustrated because, instead of using the therapist to reflect on the things that are bothering her and improve, my Mom used the therapist as just another way to say bad things about my Dad. This time instead of threatening to not speak to me, or threatening to cancel Christmas, she used the therapist's words to say nasty stuff about him, and then she acted like she was telling me about it because it was therapeutic for her. It was so manipulative, and I'm so tired of it.

She also wants me to come over and open Christmas presents this weekend. (She cancelled Christmas after throwing a huge tantrum, then said she was so depressed that she probably needed to be in a hospital, and then went on vacation for 2.5 weeks with my step-dad.) If I don't go I will be drawing a huge line in the sand, and if I do I will subject myself to more of her crap. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I just want to live in peace, and not feel like I have to sacrifice my relationship with one family member for the other.
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Aussielover
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 2


« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2017, 09:13:12 PM »

Oh how I relate your post.  My mother has effectively used her "therapist" as an echo chamber for her to validate her victim status in our family.  Before my parents divorced, we convinced her to let us come with her to her therapist, and it was clear that she had painted quite the picture of my father and how we all act towards her. Its no surprise that in the years that have passed, I frequently have to hear about how her therapist agrees that my dad is just using my brother for money (a complete lie) and that we have all conspired against her.

My mother also threw a tantrum the week before Christmas, and banned me from attending her celebration, which she later cancelled entirely. She hasn't reached out since then, but I too am trying to decide how to move forward from here.  I feel like I'm held hostage to her emotions and that even though I have tried forever to make her happy (often at my expense!) she is still just as miserable and bitter as ever (and of course i'm to blame). Maybe it's time for us to set some clearer boundaries?

I feel ya, I just want peace!
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Woolspinner2000
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2007



« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2017, 09:26:46 PM »

Hi Leaflet! 

It's nice to hear from you. It sounds like frustrations are quite present with you as the situation with your mom unfolds. I am so sorry. Drama before Christmas and now after. I imagine it doesn't encourage you to want to go and open presents anytime soon.

One of the main things I hear in your post is that you express a lot of frustrations with regards to your mom and her interactions with her therapist. That must be soo frustrating! From my perspective it seems she is using the drama triangle quite well to include those whom she wants to pull into the drama. Are you familiar with it? I will post the link here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

What choices do you feel you have for the upcoming weekend? Will you be able to set time limits, or what can you do to set up boundaries in order to stay mentally healthy?

 
Wools



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Rock Chick
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: Does Not Apply - Person With BPD Is My BFs Mother
Posts: 110


Say Goodnight Gracie


« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2017, 07:39:52 PM »

I was holding out hope that my Mom would tell the therapist the truth when she went today. I didn't even realize how hopeful I was until I was disappointed after I spoke with my Mom. My Mom told me that the therapist agreed that my Mom is in an impossible situation because my Dad is so horrible. They've been divorced 12 years, and I just can't understand why she still harbors so much resentment towards him.

My bf and I can so relate to most of your post Leaflet. We are always holding out hope too that my bfs mother will tell her therapist the truth when she has appointments no matter what is discussed (my bfs father, her addictions, her behavior, how day is, the past, etc). But our hope like yours are crushed when we hear from her about her appointment and what her therapist supposedly said (Although we have learned to not believe a word out her mouth when it comes to at least what she says the therapist said. If we dont hear it direct from him we try not to believe it or take it with a grain of salt). When we have gone in with her to her appointments she loves to bash my bf's dad (well when she is not bashing my bf, one of my bfs siblings, my bfs sister in law or myself). Telling the therapist how awful he was, that he was a drunk, he was a perfectionist, how awful he treated her, how bad it was, etc. He may of not been Danny Tanner from Full House or The dad from My 3 Sons but he was and is not as my bf's mother paints him as. Sure he drank beer (and only beer) when he got home from work but he knew his limits and when he reached them or was close to them he said goodnight and went to bed (my bf's mother was a severe alcoholic (still is an alcoholic now but maybe just regular not severe one) and drank the hard stuff etc not beer or light stuff). My bf's mother and father have been divorced for at least 10 yrs now. They also do not speak. Although she tries to make comments that are to start something, to be nosy, etc. My bf's dad only comes over to talk to my bf if he must come over to talk otherwise he tries to meet my bf somewhere else to talk etc. So I as well am confused at times to a point why my bf's mother as your mother Leaflet harbors so much still and at same level as did back then. Its like why cant the level of it all have died down some and things be more civil and they could speak n behave better about it all. I guess its the BPD part of them that effects this idk.

I think I'm frustrated because, instead of using the therapist to reflect on the things that are bothering her and improve, my Mom used the therapist as just another way to say bad things about my Dad. This time instead of threatening to not speak to me, or threatening to cancel Christmas, she used the therapist's words to say nasty stuff about him... .

It can be soo frustrating amongst other things cant it. It sucks. We too wish my bf's mom would use her times with the therapist to discuss on how things can improve, getting closure/healing from things happened in her childhood, how can she improve and there be less to no negativeness. Instead of using the time to bash us (and my bfs dad n bf's siblings), blame us and play the victim like she always does.

Hugs
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Leaflet

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 17


« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2017, 09:03:09 PM »

Thanks for all of the understanding comments. It helps to know that other people are experiencing the same things.

Woolspinner2000, the drama triangle does have a lot of traits that seem familiar. I've done my best to distance myself from it. For example, when my Mom starts saying stuff about my Dad, I no longer listen. I either get off the phone or change the subject.

I have talked to my therapist about boundaries and how to set them. She agreed with me that cutting my mother out of my life completely would probably cause more drama than being subtly distant. So, I'm going to minimize contact as much as possible. We're already planning to be out of town next Christmas, so my husband, daughter and I will be out of dodge. My daughter will be at her father's house this weekend, so it will be easier for me to go to my Mom's to open presents. (I can leave easily without having to explain the situation to my kiddo.) I don't intend to take my daughter to my mom's house for a very long time, if ever, and I want to create distance in that relationship so my Mom can't cause drama between my daughter and I when my daughter is older. (My Mom likes for everyone to be isolated and dependent on her, and I don't want her to start using those tactics on my daughter.) My therapist suggested meeting somewhere neutral like a restaurant or park if they insist on seeing the kiddo, and I think that will work.

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