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Author Topic: its finished but its dragging on  (Read 329 times)
dejavooh

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: January 18, 2017, 12:39:31 PM »

Hi ok shortish version. I've had a relationship with my now ex-partner for the last four years. Its followed the cycle of several break ups and getting back together. Last summer I left the flat we were living in together, moved out still paying most of the bills and rent. Somehow; not sure why, we ended up back together in Sept. She is a teacher but has been in and out of work for a long time. I end up the provider. She usually falls out with the school and leaves or is asked to leave. The black and white nature of this condition means that grey areas don't exist so bad communication creates chaos in her mind. You are also hero or villain, no inbetween

About two years ago she had 18 months intense  MBT therapy which did make a real difference. She mentalised more and things were great, no more 2/3 day disassociation episodes or intense feelings. There was still the odd blip but overall fine. We moved into our house in Sept , she wasn't working at that time so I paid for everything she literally has no money. In Nov she had a new contract at a local school. She liked it, seemed happy and it was a ten minute journey to work. Our relationship, however, began to nosedive. She seemed permanently pissed off at me. We'd gotten engaged about a year ago, god knows why? Her anger took very little to ignite. if we disagreed on something it would escalate so quickly before I knew what was happening I was being told to leave, I was a liar because I didn't really want to get married etc etc. Endless accusations we couldn't go for more than 10 days without a fight. It was exhausting. I still loved her I suppose because I was always waiting for the overwhelming love and tenderness that she was capable of giving me. Our sex life became non existent, she said it was menopausal. I was lucky to get a peck on the cheek!

It came to a head at Xmas after a row she told me to leave and that I wasn't going to be there. Eventually she went off to stay with her kids and I had a peaceful Xmas. In order to cope with the confusion and general malaise that Iv'e felt I was seeing a therapist. Our sessions were usually all about our relationship. In times of stress he encouraged me to write down my feelings and I did that and it usually worked. It was stream of consciousness stuff with no editing just thoughts on a page.
I took the dogs for a walk. Whilst out I received a text to say shed read my journal, full of not very nice things about her, and she was putting my belongings outside the door and I was to go somewhere else for a while. I was mortified. I knew what I had written. It wasn't nice but it wasn't there for anyone but me.Luckily I had somewhere to go for a week. On returning she was actually quite nice to me. That changed within 3/4 days to just shouting whenever I opened my mouth. She is trying to find somewhere to live. She is an undischarged bankrupt so not easy. However she insists on staying put, we have joint tenancy. Isn't prepared to contribute and now I find out, it wasn't difficult, that she is internet dating and has been on date already. I'm no fool. Going out dressed to the nines wearing an excessive amount of perfume does rather give the game away! I confronted her. More shouting and pushing. She will do what she wants with whoever she wants but it was a drink with a work colleague. She is an accomplished liar.

Now she hates her job and wants to leave she isn't supported enough.

What's odd is how I feel. When I wasn't here I was actually quite content. The dating thing has really hurt me. Of course I realise she is looking for someone else to listen she has very few friends as she has pissed them off so much. she isn't aware of the consequences of her words and deeds, but its really shaken me. Its not the thought of her with another man, It's being treated with utter contempt and hate that is so hard to take. I cant throw her out or tell her to leave and having my nose rubbed in it is painful.

I'm aware that I haven't painted a rosy picture of my ex. However when she chooses to be she is warm , very loving, great company but that side of her is available so rarely now its become impossible to continue. We have an endless cycle of good times/bad times and it just isn't going to get any better.

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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2017, 02:05:38 PM »

Hi artietripp,

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that, I can understand how painful it is when our gf or wives are dating others in the open. I can relate with your story.

Excerpt
Our relationship, however, began to nosedive. She seemed permanently pissed off at me. We'd gotten engaged about a year ago, god knows why?

As you probably already know, splitting is a primitive defense mechanism for a pwBPD that protects the ego from anxiety and stress, intimacy triggers the disorder. At the onset of the relationship we were put high on a pedestal and the fall can be long, a pwBPD will split people that they care the most about black.

Excerpt
I still loved her I suppose because I was always waiting for the overwhelming love and tenderness that she was capable of giving me.

Many of us on this board including me wanted our ex partners to return to that idealization phase.

Excerpt
Its not the thought of her with another man, It's being treated with utter contempt and hate that is so hard to take.

It sounds like you were a pretty good provider for her when times where lean for her, I can see how that would hurt when vitriol is directed our way, it's heart breaking when the person we loved the most turn into the person that hate us the most.

I'm glad that you have found us, you'll find that you'll fit right in here, I encourage you to write and to check other threads around the board, you'll probably see many things that you can relate to. Read as much as you can about BPD, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time

From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle


PS You'll find the lessons on the right side of the board  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
dejavooh

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2017, 09:31:14 AM »

That was a great reply and really useful. I'm having such a problem detaching from her. I just can't understand how I can still have such strong feelings for her when a large parts of our relationship are dysfunctional and difficult. My rational self says great she doesn't want you she's moving out, eventually, you can move on. I know her to well though and she is dragging her feet hoping to be "saved".My heart just doesn't agree. I'm almost certain she's spending the weekend with a guy she met online. What does that say about me? I read some information regarding my" lost child" and her "wounded child" here but I cant seem to find it now but I know it resonated with me.
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2017, 12:25:32 PM »

Excerpt
My heart just doesn't agree. I'm almost certain she's spending the weekend with a guy she met online. What does that say about me?


It says that you're not the only one. Many members on this board pined for their exes after horrible or many break ups with a pwBPD, I pined for my ex too. I recall the pain I felt when my ex wife left, I felt like a pane of glass shattered into a million pieces and there was pain that surfaced that wasn't from r/s break-up it was childhood wounds and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to put myself myself back together. Everyone heals differently in their own, it helps when you have a whole village of people to help you.

In some relationships, the idealization phase is the partner being in lonely child stance and the Borderline being in abandoned child stance.*Both need saving* Both need attachment to stave off the pain of being alone.  This is one type of bonding seen in this community.


Is this what your looking for?
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