the shame of not feeling strong enough

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When she broke up with me, she said she needed someone more emotionally stable, and that was pretty legit. I am very sensitive and have a mood disorder. I know the "What it Takes" article here describes that you need to be strong and emotionally stable to be in a r/l with a pwBPD. I can accept this, and I don't want either of us to be in something unhealthy, but between my own shame, her tendency to blame me somewhat, the idea that I am not strong enough, and my psych telling me I scared her away by showing too much vulnerability/a man is unattractive if he is emotional ... .I can accept that all this is a reality, but I am having a hard time accepting myself.

In some ways, I feel that BPD needs in a r/l and social conditioning about being a real man etc align and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere lately. I have had many unsuccessful relationships, and god knows I have my issues, but I have a belief that we are all vulnerable and some candidness about our vulnerabilities is attractive to me. That is part of what attracted me to my pwPBD--her humanity! I could relate. If I am not strong enough to help her feel safe, am I weak? I can accept the truth, I just understand what love is so much less lately... .I mean is it universally unattractive to people looking for deep relationships that one is insecure or vulnerable at times. I know love has to start within--I truly believe that, but how do you not feel unlovable after being rejected for your vulnerability? She had them too, and it felt like we could just be open and work through things.

[vanx]

When she broke up with me, she said she needed someone more emotionally stable, and that was pretty legit. I am very sensitive and have a mood disorder. I know the "What it Takes" article here describes that you need to be strong and emotionally stable to be in a r/l with a pwBPD. I can accept this, and I don't want either of us to be in something unhealthy, but between my own shame, her tendency to blame me somewhat, the idea that I am not strong enough, and my psych telling me I scared her away by showing too much vulnerability/a man is unattractive if he is emotional ... .I can accept that all this is a reality, but I am having a hard time accepting myself.

In some ways, I feel that BPD needs in a r/l and social conditioning about being a real man etc align and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere lately. I have had many unsuccessful relationships, and god knows I have my issues, but I have a belief that we are all vulnerable and some candidness about our vulnerabilities is attractive to me. That is part of what attracted me to my pwPBD--her humanity! I could relate. If I am not strong enough to help her feel safe, am I weak? I can accept the truth, I just understand what love is so much less lately... .I mean is it universally unattractive to people looking for deep relationships that one is insecure or vulnerable at times. I know love has to start within--I truly believe that, but how do you not feel unlovable after being rejected for your vulnerability? She had them too, and it felt like we could just be open and work through things.

[once removed]

i feel for you vanx. partners ive chosen tended to reject me or be put off for similar reasons.

i dont think vulnerability or insecurity are inherently unattractive (of course what everyone is attracted to varies). true intimacy requires vulnerability, as well as knowing we are loved for who we are. fact is, true intimacy is scary for many. it sounds to me (and i may be reading my own experience into yours) that you identified with your exes insecurities, and loved her the way you wanted to be loved?

in my case ive begun to accept that not everyone shares my understanding, thoughts, feelings, in the same way. i cant assume that someone will simply understand me and overlook my neediness, moodiness, whatever. and frankly i had to question why this was a particularly powerful draw for me in the first place, being instantly and particularly attracted to someone because i sensed we shared similar wounds. of course not all of that is conscious, some of it is inevitable, but being conscious of what we are attracted to, and perhaps recalibrating it a bit, can go a long way.

ive also learned that true intimacy is built slowly and over time. in a lot of cases, these relationships had a powerful draw because we sensed intimacy very early on.

I know love has to start within--I truly believe that, but how do you not feel unlovable after being rejected for your vulnerability? She had them too, and it felt like we could just be open and work through things.

it does start from within, though it also comes from seeing ourselves reflected in the eyes of loved ones (do a lot of that!). rejection is sadly a part of life, for everyone and speaking as someone with a sensitivity to it, it is often not personal, just a mismatch.

what builds vanxs confidence and self esteem?

[Mutt]

Hi vanx,

I know the "What it Takes" article here describes that you need to be strong and emotionally stable to be in a r/l with a pwBPD.

You're not alone. I couldn't handle the BPD behaviors from my undiagnosed ex wife. Check other discussions on this board and you'll see similarities with your story in posts from other members. You can be incredibly strong and a pwBPD will still walk all over you. Don't be hard on yourself.

[Aesir]

When she broke up with me, she said she needed someone more emotionally stable, and that was pretty legit. I am very sensitive and have a mood disorder. I know the "What it Takes" article here describes that you need to be strong and emotionally stable to be in a r/l with a pwBPD. I can accept this, and I don't want either of us to be in something unhealthy, but between my own shame, her tendency to blame me somewhat, the idea that I am not strong enough, and my psych telling me I scared her away by showing too much vulnerability/a man is unattractive if he is emotional ... .I can accept that all this is a reality, but I am having a hard time accepting myself.

In some ways, I feel that BPD needs in a r/l and social conditioning about being a real man etc align and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere lately. I have had many unsuccessful relationships, and god knows I have my issues, but I have a belief that we are all vulnerable and some candidness about our vulnerabilities is attractive to me. That is part of what attracted me to my pwPBD--her humanity! I could relate. If I am not strong enough to help her feel safe, am I weak? I can accept the truth, I just understand what love is so much less lately... .I mean is it universally unattractive to people looking for deep relationships that one is insecure or vulnerable at times. I know love has to start within--I truly believe that, but how do you not feel unlovable after being rejected for your vulnerability? She had them too, and it felt like we could just be open and work through things.

The BPD condition has a way of wearing you down both mentally and emotionally. You will NEVER be a good man in their eyes. Something will always be amiss due to their black and white thinking. My ex used to make snide comments and indirect insults on what a "real man" would or should  do.  Her idea of what a good man was always slanted on HER needs. Thus blaming me for not doing EVERYTHING  for her. Even when I thought I was doing a good job there was always a problem.  She never once thought that perhaps her actions or non action  were contributing to the problems.

[Reforming]

Hi Vanx,

Thanks for sharing your feelings.

I'd like to chime in with once removed and mutt and say that having a healthy relationship with someone suffering from BPD presents huge challenges for everyone. I would accept that there are few of us who enter these relationships with higher emotional intelligence and healthier relationship skills but the vast majority of us don't. In fact it's frequently our insecurities and vulnerabilities that draw us into a relationship with someone who is disordered and keep us there... .

The good news is that there is a lot to learn from the experience. With time and effort emotional intelligence can be increased, relationship skills can be improved and we can evolve.

It takes courage to be vulnerable but it's also equally important to be able to meet your needs. When we learn how do that it gives us a confidence and self reliance that others are drawn to...

I would add one last thought. One of the most destructive consequences of NON - BPD relationship is the NON internalising negative feedback or judgements that come during devaluation. Borderlines hypersensitivity gives them a finely tuned awareness of the vulnerabilities and weak spots of others. When they paint their partners black or become punitive they hone in on these and use them to project their own shame and sense of inadequacy onto their partners. There may be grain of truth in their observations but there's also a lot of distortion.

You acknowledged your vulnerabilities and you were willing to try and build a relationship  - ultimately she wasn't and rather than acknowledging her own deficits she chose to focus on yours. We all need stable partners. Can she offer that to you or someone else?

Good luck

Reforming

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Vanx,  Those w/BPD like to foist responsibility for the b/u on the Non, i.e., you.  Don't fall for it!  Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it, so don't take this sort of thing to heart.  Many women would be delighted to meet someone sensitive, so don't beat yourself up!  In my view, the man your BPD Ex seeks does not exist.  Suggest you continue to Be Yourself.  If the real you didn't do it for her, that's her problem, not yours.

LuckyJim

[vanx]

Wow! Thank you all so much. I was having a rough few days, but reading your responses has really helped me and just made me feel so supported and understood. I'm so grateful for this forum because even my T who I've seen for years hasn't been able I don't think to help me fully get what's going on with me and I feel stuck because I know there are important things I have to learn from this to really understand.

I had been taking many years off from dating and asking to meet someone who would challenge me and help me grow. Well, haha, things didn't go exactly like I had in mind, but I am trying to be grateful for still meeting exactly who I'd been asking for, but yeah, I know the lesson isn't to beat myself up more for the things I've beat myself up for way too much already! So that's it isn't it, that like you said, Awareness, that I/someone in my position is getting a message he or she has work to do to attract healthy love, and yes, to work more on honoring, maybe identifying/solidifying your own needs.

Once removed, that is exactly it. I know I need to love myself more, and it has been a challenge for me. To feel close to someone I really like, and to see she was a lot like me maybe, it was so simple and easy to give compassion to her, and it helped me love myself. The rejection was very heard to bear, as many can relate, and I've lost a lot of what was already a little fragile. Feeling like I failed to show her enough compassion felt likewise like a rejection of myself on my end. So much old pain came up, but I won't try to chase it away. I'll try to listen and learn (and have some fun and relax too haha). Anyhow, thanks everyone so much. I feel a lot better just to be understood. To be honest, I was worried about posting on here because I felt so weak, but everyone really helped me feel better. I can't thank you all enough!