Hi TDeer,
How did you first learn about your in-law's BPD?
The behaviour of my BPD was always there. But I twigged when my BPD was hitting my son and blaming it on him. She did this to me as a child, my friends told me she was weird and strict and aggressive, but as kids we automatically trust our primary care givers, and we have nothing to compare it against. Seeing it as a parent, I instantly knew it was very wrong.
Or did you know a diagnosis already while the pwBPD was in their neurotic phases instead of their psychotic phases?
Its is incredibly rare to get a diagnosis unless someone is young. Even then a BPD will probably not accept it. My BPD & NPD were so enabled, had such a strangle hold on our household. Even now my sister refuses to look at this, because our childhood was to painful, and she has dealt with it her own way (religiously).
How did your spouse teach you how to deal with your in-law pwBPD?
This forum, books and a Therapist taught me. My spouse is the avoidant type. So she just does “medium chill”. Meaning she basically doesn’t speak other than being Polite. Tries to close every conversation down. Shows no emotion. But this comes naturally to her, due to her childhood. If you do his with a BPD, they tend to ignore you. They need to provoke emotion, in order to manipulate you.
How would you recommend teaching your spouse to deal with your pw BPD in-law?
There are tried and tested techniques, such as medium chill. I learnt these all off this website. They are quiet specialist techniques, so you need a specialist website like this. So medium chill (explained earlier) is one. But here are some communication techniques:
Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) How would you recommend your spouse dealing with your in-law pwBPD?
Personal choice. My sisters hubby struggles to deal with most people, so he avoids contact with some well thought out excuses. My partner is very good at dealing with BPD, but she avoids conversing, does the medium chill thing. I on the other hand was the scapegoat, so was never allowed to avoid, so I use the following:
How would you prepare your spouse before special occasions?
By choosing a system that works (such as the ones listed here) and practising it.
How would you include your pwBPD into anything that isn't about them since they crave being the center of attention so much that they act out if they're not the center of attention?
The more you understand about BPD the better you can manage it. So they want attention – so control that attention, or they will grab it. So for example at a wedding, give them a special job and ask someone to mind them. But also accept, they may well go off on one. We can not change the behaviour of someone with BPD.
There isn’t a quick fix to any of this, and if you find one, you’ll make a lot of money. The damage that can be done to children of BPD was probably laid over 16 years of your life, and that sort of conditioning/brainwashing, takes time to reverse. So may I ask what you have done to recover from your childhood ? How did your childhood effect you ?
