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Author Topic: Resolve  (Read 582 times)
ynwa
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« on: January 18, 2017, 02:49:00 PM »

So, I'm struggling a bit the last few days.  I found myself today looking at the holes in the wall covered by pictures and a calendar. I looked at the scar on my arm. I feel so divided and unsure that I'm ready to move on.  So I remember that every time we talk nothing gets resolved, tools or no tools, BPD traits or not, I'm never going to see a true apology or even an attempt at compromise.

I also see someone running not just from me but themselves. It's unfair, to have gotten through the worst moments with her, to just have her walk away. 

I'm using the tools, leaning on friends. And I can't blame the BPD, it's a crutch. I feel like I fooled myself, and she wasn't there for a long time.  And I'm clearer, I'm more present. Mostly, I admit because she isn't here making me feel useless and badgering me about not being supportive and doing anything for her.  I know this isn't true, that more than likely I could never do enough.

But in these quiet moments, I want to hold her and smile again.  I know at this point, it's on me to get rid of these feelings. But everything I do is colored by her absence. The smallest things get grouped into this feeling.  Like losing a tape measure, and the shower head breaking off in the wall.

I go out and take photographs and see they are empty spaces, quiet landscapes.  It hurts to ask to get together with people because I can't even form a plan and it ends me tagging along on their ideas.

I was supposed to have a partner, someone who had my back.  I fell in love with a selfish, little girl who hurt me to make herself feel better. My friends say I have to use her abusive ways and keep that as seeing it as her only truth. 

I'm not built to walk away from someone I love.   I can't get angry and let her know how much she has hurt me, because she wants that. It would only give her proof of the projection she out on me.

This has to stop.  I'm struggling with it, but I know I'm doing the right thing for me.  Today it just feels so wrong.
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« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2017, 03:04:57 PM »

this is a beautifully and honestly expressed statement of palpable pain and i thank you for sharing it.

from my view, it is the sound of progress, processing, inner strength, and certainly resolve.

im sorry to hear youre struggling, processing is painful. what can you do for you today?

hang in there.
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« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2017, 03:42:01 PM »

I don't have very much to say, as I've been struggling a bit myself this week.  It's a tough journey.  I have found the hardest part to be letting go of my attachment to the person I thought she was and how I thought she felt towards me.  My story is complicated and won't bore you but I sure wish there was an easier way to detach from the disillusionment (I don't even know if that makes sense!).  

Hang in there!  Time does help some.  And you're doing everything right... .
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« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2017, 05:06:24 PM »

It's unfair, to have gotten through the worst moments with her, to just have her walk away.

You say this like what you went through was the worst, like you got over it, and earned a reward, something better with her that was scheduled next, if only... .

I wouldn't argue with the unfair part though. 
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« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2017, 05:27:17 PM »

you are not alone in what you are feeling this week.  You make headway only to be pulled back in.  I've know my uBPDw for 40 years.  My quieter times when I close my eyes... .I still see her smile.  then reality comes back, I re-enforce the boundaries, acknowledge my responsibilities to myself and others, and see the light at the end of the tunnel.  It continues to be the hardest thing I have ever been through... .ever... .
Hang in there, and keep moving forward.  you can do it because you know you have too.
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2017, 07:24:25 PM »

She left a year and a half ago and this last weekend I removed the refrigerator photo of her and I and my family from our last holiday together.  

It had been there for so long and I knew I wasnt ready before now even though I had moments of feeling like I was holding onto a dead person.  

I had some nice sunset photos and a picture from T'giving at a friends.  It was just time.  You will find new pictures for the empty spaces on your wall when it is time... .
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« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2017, 12:06:58 AM »

Excerpt
But everything I do is colored by her absence. The smallest things get grouped into this feeling.
What you're saying is so loud and clear. Every single thing is colored by the fact that he isn't beside me. After all the adventures we shared, everything seems so bland without him. Yet I'm sure he's still having a great time with my replacement.

Like you, I'm doing great. I'm moving on, getting out there, doing stuff and my therapist says I'm making great progress. But it's just not enough yet.

Excerpt
I have found the hardest part to be letting go of my attachment to the person I thought she was and how I thought she felt towards me.
I agree. After everything we shared, how did he walk away and how is he with someone else now? We were meant to be together weren't we? He said our relationship was like no other. It def wasn't for me. And he feels irreplaceable.

I shared every single thought, every single memory with him and now he's not even a part of my life. I've never shared so much with anyone and frankly i don't see it possible to share so much of myself with anyone else in the future. From where I stand now, the mere thought is exhausting!

I can still see the way he'd look at me, like I was the only person in the world. His friends used to tell him when she's around, it's like she's the focal point in the room and we could walk past you and you don't even know we're there. That's how intense his obsession for me was. And I loved it.

So NC, moving on, getting help, working on my codependency... .yet there's still a huge void and I don't see it being filled anytime soon.

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ynwa
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« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2017, 09:17:01 AM »

Thank you for the kind words.

You guys mention voids and places you don't think you will ever fill?  That is just not true. You have compassion and empathy for others, and for yourselves.  I'm no different a person than I was before her.  The strength and patience we have doesn't just go away. Whether codependence or blind love, we gave.  And we must give that to ourselves.  Time is a ass, taking things away from us, yet putting things ahead of us we can't yet reach.

But we also have right now. 


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« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2017, 09:25:48 AM »

Feel what you feel, but do whatever is really going to make your life better.
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ynwa
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« Reply #9 on: January 19, 2017, 05:49:39 PM »

I can't completely detach. We share friends, share an apartment, though she's not living here, her stuff is, and probably will be for awhile. Her cat is here.  I'm planning on trying to change the lease over to me at the end of the month.

But emotionally, I'm being honest.  She is abusive. She is violent. She gets blackout drunk.  I didn't want an award for taking it.  I wanted her to see me accept her, stupidly thinking I might have been the first one to not leave.

Her traits led her to attack my imperfections when hiding hers. It was unbalanced.
But no different than anyone else's story on here.

I don't call or text unless it's necessary. I cannot bring myself to change status on social media yet.  I have put photos away, and moved somethings. 

The stupidest thing is dealing with the landlord tommorow and not being sure if I should tell him she's gone or not.  If I lose the apt., I'm out of work for a shoulder injury for 5-6. I tha and cannot secure a new lease easily or even move out without tons of help.  I'd have to take a step back, possibly even in with my parents. 

It never ends. And I want to so badly call her and ask for her help, have her hear me crying and wake her up.  But I don't, I hope it never happens.  I cry to myself or my friends, even to my mom. 

I'm proving to myself everyday by doing this I am stronger.  Trying not to make things better so that if she ever came back I'd be able to... .  and that's where I stop.  No more for her.  No more drunken rages, or belittling me.  No more. 

I'm not even 2 months into her moving out. We've never gone more than a week without taking in 3 years.  I know she is much as habit to me as love.  Time is a ass.   I'm trying to recharge.  I'm finding outlets and things to do, but being off work has created a big space in everyday.  I put the phone away and iPad down more and more and just do something but it's hard.

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RAPIDclassic1

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« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2017, 07:26:27 PM »

I can't completely detach.

Wow, there it is (for me also)... .for me and my ExBPD, the last vestige of online interconnectedness is our common bank account.  I log in just see her spending her (our) money.  I need to... .almost daily.  It's hard to let it truly go, at least for me.  She can abuse and defame and control and still, there I am, peeking in.  I guess a form of attachment to reality that never existed but the sooner this last technical connection is closed, the sooner I can move on.  Little steps... .
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ynwa
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« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2017, 04:55:44 AM »

Hello Rapid. 

Do you think it's wise to let the bank account stay this way?  Think about at least starting a new account and start putting your money in that account moving forward?
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« Reply #12 on: January 20, 2017, 08:22:08 AM »

Not wise, it's part of the game of keeping her calm and connected while we disengage in all other ways.  It's a bit machiavellian on my part and a bit self effacing.  It's a small amount compared to the damage she could do if prompted to go full bore with her lawyer.  My job is to stay calm and suffer small injustices while this gets sorted, not easy to do but I think it's saving us around $40K each.  Anyway, I don't mean to take over your thread and my example shows that sometimes there can't be total disengagement for valid reasons.
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ynwa
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« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2017, 09:19:07 AM »

I too am keeping the peace as it where. And we share experiences, this thread is as much yours and mine or anyones.  I let my ex keep a key, as her cat and everything she owns is here.  Once I switch the lease to my name, I'm not going to be worried about things.  I never put my name on the lease, in stupid thinking that it gave her independence,  and we moved in together same day.  It never seemed important to me, but I know now.

You sound like you have as much in place as you can. 
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« Reply #14 on: January 20, 2017, 10:24:34 PM »

I also see someone running not just from me but themselves. It's unfair, to have gotten through the worst moments with her, to just have her walk away.  

Are 100% certain about your last statement? If so, why do you believe this? I ask because I truly believe had I not filed for divorce from my wife and left my home, it/she would only have gotten worse. I can imagine far far worse. I have to meet with her and our attorneys in a few weeks and the thought has occurred to me that she could do something very violent. I'd actually prefer that she be frisked before we meet. When I see her at the courthouse I know she has gone through metal detectors and security screening. So I do imagine much much worse things. I got out before she was able to follow through with her threats. It's been worth every penny I've had to spend.

The more I understood BPD, the more I stood up for myself and my rights, the more unglued my wife became. I wouldn't wish the disorder upon anyone. I truly believe she is very unwell. But I am a human being with value and dignity and am very happy to have regained both. And not by being with someone else or even contemplating that happening down the line. The freedom to regain self-respect, take care of myself, rebuild my health and well-being, regain friendships surrendered to her disorder and the isolation that she ensnared me in... .this is normal. This is who I am. I could never be myself had I stayed with her.

I like me. A lot. I don't like her. I don't miss her. I don't miss what she did to me. Yes, I once loved her. But those days are a distant memory and I don't waste my time reminiscing at all.

Wishing you well.
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ynwa
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« Reply #15 on: January 21, 2017, 06:03:33 PM »

It's unfair. That she cannot see I was there for her all along.
But I'm not going to get better, and would have gotten worse.

It did.  Every rage got worse, to the point I was bloody and almost arrested before they saw her and realized she was the one.  I'm far better off without her.

It doesn't mean I don't miss her.  But yes, the more I stood up for myself, like you said, the worse it got.  The more I asked her to stop drinking, the more she drank. The more she attacked. The more she ridiculed. 

Her traits rule her. But right now, she is acting the angel somewhere. Until she cycles again. 
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« Reply #16 on: January 21, 2017, 06:31:33 PM »

YNWA... .I feel your pain man. I get every emotion that you are going through. Mine didn't bloody me up but she might as well have. I was bleeding on the inside on a daily basis.

I have my bad days too. We are still in contact and seeing a therapist so I have a little "dose" of her and have not had to detox fully yet. I do miss her around but I don't miss the fights and feeling of dread. My home is more peaceful and orderly. Cleaner. Neater. Just plain awesome really. Focusing on doing some home improvement projects has really helped. Having something, anything to do, staying busy is the key. Check out Mark Manson on the internet. He has some really good articles and wrote a few books. I found him because another poster on this site mentioned him. And he is to the point and kinda funny too. His mantra is to stay as busy as possible.

I also find myself in limbo sometimes. Just putting in neutral emotionally. Not moving forward nor backwards. Can't stay there forever but nevertheless I have days like that. Maybe it is to re-charge?

What I know and what none of us can avoid is that it is a PROCESS. That means something different to each one of us. Yeah. It is easy for our friends to say "just move on", etc. etc. but it takes some time putting their memories behind us.

My uBPDw destroyed our framed pictures around the house before she moved out. I figured that would happen. I told myself that last time that she did that ( yes she has done it more than a few times) I would NOT replace them. And I haven't but I wish they were there. I wish they would have never been destroyed in the first place. I wish our relationship was not destroyed by BPD. I wish a lot of things but that doesn't mean that they are going to change.

Sorry you are feeling so low. Take it one hour at a time if you have to.
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ynwa
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« Reply #17 on: January 22, 2017, 09:20:56 AM »

Thanks Michel,

It's not a question of feeling low.  It's a question of realizing my life goes on, without her. I've been having some anxiety, which normally I can deal with.  What I'm learning is to catch it early, and I didn't when I started this post. 

I'm trying to be mindful with a distracted mind.  I have not completely stopped seeing her smiling and a part of my life.  But more and more I see her as a cold and impulsive person. Self involved and angry.  In moments of anxiety, I long to have her there (even with as little actual support I would get) it was familiar.

But my anxiety is because of her, these feelings in me didn't really exist before her, certainly not to this extent.

I never planned on living alone, certainly not for this reason.  But if I was still with her, I'd be just as alone.

Traits or not, she will always be impulsive and sad.  She will always force her ways on people.  She won't stop drinking, she won't seek help.
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ynwa
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« Reply #18 on: January 24, 2017, 05:47:33 AM »

Revisiting this.   One week, no direct contact or phones.  Some shared media stuff in support of friends.

I have so much to say to her. So many loving things I could do. But, I'm sticking with my last words. She will always be impulsive and sad. At best. She will always try to bring me to her levels. She will always be in her head want more and not see me as an equal.  I don't know if I could forgive her what she's done, I know I could accept it.

And I know these are all in my head.  I've found a sweet spot of bittersweet and optimism about the future.  I'm in this forum because it's best, but I still feel the pull of possibility.  But I also see a life holding someone's hand through the simplest moments and having to do the hardest ones totally alone.

I can comfortably see I am not the angry one, the sad one, the one that let her down.  She does that herself.  It works for her to feel that way.  Impulsive and sad.  Never stop and work on the mistakes, never accept responsibility.

I'm no where near considering actually meeting someone, but I do have concerns about the insecurities carrying over into a new relationship. But if I pick right they will actually hold my hand through them.

I saw my actual prognosis report for my shoulder surgery yesterday.  It's going to be tough, and I'd thought she would be there.  In the end, I see more and more she let me down, not the other way around.  I'm going to need help, and this board is part of it.  My friends, some of them have already stood up and offered.  I know if I ask more they will to.  I am depressed, and it's better.  I know that's the source of my anxiety and thinking.  As it gets better so do I.

But my heart is if not broken, very much lost.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #19 on: January 24, 2017, 12:25:44 PM »

I have so much to say to her. So many loving things I could do. But, I'm sticking with my last words. She will always be impulsive and sad. At best. She will always try to bring me to her levels. She will always be in her head want more and not see me as an equal.

That's what you gotta do. Figure she won't change. And move forward with your life.

Consider unfollowing her on social media, if not blocking for a while--those reminders probably won't help you heal and move forward.

And if you can't stop that tiny bit of hope that she might, remember this--if she *DID* change, she could tell you. In fact, she probably would want to apologize for her behavior, instead of trying to recycle you or play push-pull games.
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« Reply #20 on: January 24, 2017, 12:48:54 PM »

And if you can't stop that tiny bit of hope that she might, remember this--if she *DID* change, she could tell you. In fact, she probably would want to apologize for her behavior, instead of trying to recycle you or play push-pull games.

What if my ex did this, does it mean she has changed while with the replacement?
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« Reply #21 on: January 24, 2017, 01:22:42 PM »

What if my ex did this, does it mean she has changed while with the replacement?

Asking "If my ex did ABC, does it mean DEF?" is a good way to chase your tail and drive yourself nuts if it is a hypothetical question.

If she is actually reaching out to you in a new and different way, please give us details; we might help you figure out what it means if anything
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ynwa
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« Reply #22 on: January 24, 2017, 02:18:55 PM »

Hey so mad,

Are you asking if someone with BPD can make amends? Perhaps.  Can you you take it as a sign of change?  Not really.  My ex can be an angel when she wants or needs to be.  But I've seen her throw an ironing board at my head.

In the middle is like I said, an impulsive and sad girl.  But for you, do you really think some magic stick hit her on the forehead and she is all fixed?

Have you once on this board heard that?  She might have felt that way, that day, that little bit of time. But there was probably something else in her life causing it.

Like grey kitty said, let us know what felt different. 
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« Reply #23 on: January 24, 2017, 03:31:35 PM »

Like what RAPID says, I feel I am suffering small injustices in the process of divorcing my BPD wife in order to keep it from blowing up into some longterm battle.

I have a restraining order preventing me from entering my home (she filed a motion after I left - why did I leave? Because she threatened to make false allegations of DV against me to make me lose my job, and I happen to like my job). Then she filed a temporary spousal support order, which was also granted, so I am paying $1600 a month to not live in my home (I bought it prior to the marriage and only my name is on the dded).

In five months of separation, she has made zero noticeable progress in taking any responsibility for the divorce. According to her, it is all my doing, all I ever did was take advantage of her (despite my having paid 90% of the bills and having my bank account drained in the process). She remains a victim in her mind, despite the horrible way she treated me throughout the 4-year marriage. And there's no amount of money that will ever fill that hole she has inside of her.

So I just stay out of the way, I don't interact with her, dropped all social media, have her email and phone blocked, and let my lawyer advocate for me. I relieve my stress through walking and talking. It's amazing how many cool nonBPD people there are out there that I can talk to now that I don't live with the isolation she imposed.
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« Reply #24 on: January 24, 2017, 03:32:10 PM »

Well early december she reached out and apologized without trying to recycle or anything. She admits her part in the fall of the relationship and said we had good times. She said she is also working on herself. She said the reason for her behavior was stress.
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« Reply #25 on: January 24, 2017, 04:06:35 PM »

She remains a victim in her mind, despite the horrible way she treated me throughout the 4-year marriage. And there's no amount of money that will ever fill that hole she has inside of her.

So I just stay out of the way, I don't interact with her, dropped all social media, have her email and phone blocked, and let my lawyer advocate for me. I relieve my stress through walking and talking. It's amazing how many cool nonBPD people there are out there that I can talk to now that I don't live with the isolation she imposed.

Teacher, I feel you on the isolation and her victim mentality.  Im sorry you have to face this, and see you standing up in an honest and true way. 

It's time and patience that will see it through for you. 
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« Reply #26 on: January 24, 2017, 04:10:36 PM »

Well early december she reached out and apologized without trying to recycle or anything. She admits her part in the fall of the relationship and said we had good times. She said she is also working on herself. She said the reason for her behavior was stress.

What do you think it means? 
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« Reply #27 on: January 24, 2017, 05:48:03 PM »

Well early december she reached out and apologized without trying to recycle or anything. She admits her part in the fall of the relationship and said we had good times. She said she is also working on herself. She said the reason for her behavior was stress.

Sounds like pretty normal/reasonable efforts to get back on friendly terms with an ex to me.

How do you feel about being friends with her now? Are you interested?
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« Reply #28 on: January 24, 2017, 05:56:07 PM »

Well shes in a relationship with the replacement and i dont want to put any type of strain on the relationship so ive just been gray rocking it. It does seem like she is being friendly and handling things in a healthy way which makes me wonder if she is different now
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« Reply #29 on: January 24, 2017, 07:09:26 PM »

She couldn't be in a good/healthy relationship with you, and that ship has sailed.

Ruminating about whether she is capable now won't get you anywhere useful.

Meanwhile... .you said you didn't want to mess up her current r/s, and I commend that. But what does that really mean for you? My thoughts: Don't stalk her Bullet: completed (click to insert in post) Don't flirt with her Bullet: completed (click to insert in post) Don't engage if she flirts with you Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

If being civil or friendly with another guy messes up her current r/s, that's NOT your problem, and you don't have to walk on eggshells to avoid it. *IF* there is a problem like that, it is her job to ask you to stay away (and yours to honor the request).

So... .do you WANT to be friends with her again?

Or would you just rather be civil if you run into her, but keep her at a distance? This is a choice only you can make, based on how you feel about her.
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