Ex GF Probably Half Border but in Love. What to do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First of all apologies for the English Mistakes:

The reason because I have decided to write this post is because I would like to know if my ex GF is a Border or not.
She told me to be in a 100% healthy status, during 2 years of living together, I did not notice anything wrong. Things changed after she got  back to her mental sick mother... .

I really would like to get back to her asap but I want to make sure the relationship will not end in the same way. I know a lot of therapist refuse to work with borderline patients and some others believe they can rescue them so sometimes is better to leave especially if it is not the form of love we deserve!

Nov 2013: I met this wonderful charming, smart, independent lady on the train, we had a nice conversation, we exchanged our phone numbers;
Mar 2014: She got in touch with me: we started texting / calling every day;
Jul 2014: Relationship, Intimacy, Activities, Fun, etc.
Nov 2014: We moved together in a small apartment
Nov 2014 - Nov 2015: Honeymoon, passion, pure love, emotions, top life, spending all days and nights together, wonderful life. Planning everything together, enjoying etc.
She told me that it was the first time in her life that she was completely in love. I think she was telling the true!
Nov 2015: She relocated and moved to his family in order to support her old parents (the mother is mental sick), she was pushing me because she wanted to relocate with me together. I was not ready as I had different plans and I was working in a different country.
Nov - Jul 2016: I tried in all possible ways to stay with her and support her; I have been traveling a lot in order to stay with her. I have given up my entire carrier and friends, it was never enough... .On the other hand, she was always super busy, she never had time for me, and she was always complaining I did not have enough time.

She did not have any energy, she was living at home with her sick mother so I can really understand that it was not easy at all... .

First Abandonment Case
Jun 2016: I went to her house in the morning, it was a surprise, she was there with a friend discussing about what to do with her mother. Her mother was not taking any pills, so he was completely out of control (they had to call the police with the ambulance... .). I stayed with her for the entire day, in the night she asked me to visit her again, I went there for a few hours but I did not want to sleep at her place because that day was really enough for me. She was feeling really bad that night... .After that moment everything changed... .
I can remember during the summer she was asking me many times about future together, living together, etc.
She is 38 years old, I am 5 years younger, she tried to talk to me many times about it but I did not have the right answers at that moment, I am more pragmatic and visionare.
Jul 2016: My birthday was a flop. She used to buy me expensive nice goods, this time she did a wood gadget by herself, no celebration, nothing. She asked me to visit an apartment where she wanted to relocate with me even if I was not ready to do it.  I can really understand that she was stressed but at least a bit more warm... .
Aug 2016: She went back to our apartment, she told me she wanted to spend a few days alone. It was the third time she was asking me to stay alone in the apartment; she was always complaining that it was too small for two (I agree). I was a little bit frustrated so I postponed paying the lease.
She ended up the relationship in a very brutal way by saying that I was abusing this situation because I did not pay any lease and I have never had time for her. Furthermore, I contacted on Facebook a lady living close to us for asking if she saw my GF. My EX GF was completely crazy and started telling me I am am seducer, abuser, etc.
She putted all my things into the basement and she forced me to bring the keys to her daddy (which I did) and to pick up all my goods within a few days. After that day, everything changed, I did not have any idea what it was going wrong, she blocked me everywhere, I had to send her many Emails. She never told me about the real reason.
During the entire month we exchanged Emails, I told her about my emotions, she told me it was my fault, she lot weight because of me etc. Everything was  caused by me... .She never considered that living in the house with a mental sick mother can cause those troubles.
Sep 2016 after 1 months of no contacts (I was really freaking out), I went to her house and she had organized an ugly show with his daddy. He is very old and ill; he was screaming on me... .she was sitting in her room listening all the show and then she was crying and told me to leave.
Oct 2016 she provided me a VERY confused letter speaking about her difficult life, emotions, our faults, our needs etc. She wrote that I should save myself and leave her… She stated that I was when you see that the person you love is hurting you, it is better t leave. ... She ended by writing that this year was a big battle for our love and future.
Oct 2016 I asked her to tell me frankly that she does not love me anymore. She said emotions are not the problem, emotions are there; the main problem is the vision of life, commitments, etc.
Nov 2016 we had a Pizza together and she told me that during the summer, she lost 15 kgs, she could not eat anymore and that she want for many hours to the psychoanalyst because I have told her many times that she as completely unstable. She never told me about this doctor before. She stated that she is someone who suffer of "codependency" and that we have two different personalities... .I asked her if she is narcissist or border but she was immediately telling me that I am the one LOL. I do not know if she tried to make this kind of mirroring projection of her problems on me... .

I am not a Doctor but I spent a lot of time trying to collect information about Borderline Personalities:
Indicators of BPD:
- Mother Mental Insane (Bipolar, schizophrenia). Maybe genetic?
- Fear of Abandonment: previous relationship ended in the same way. One day she was at home and her mother was freaking out. She asked the boyfriend to visit her; he could not visit her as he was working full time. After that, she left.
- When she left her EX BF, she has a very good friend (No romance). Same with me, she has a 55 years old male colleague (For sure just a normal friendship, no intimance!)
- Emotionally (only during the last year) very unstable, tired, sometimes depressed, apatic (I have to say that she is a Doctor working on human being so I can imagine it might be stressful)
- When the mother was freaking out, she got frequently vomit attack, one time we went to the hospital but the doctor did not find anything.
- Told me many times that I have given her the feeling of being inappropriate... .
- A lot of male friendships
- Manipulative behavior
- At the very begin, we had an emotional “Desensibilization” process
- Used to know 50-60 years old men’s on business trip, play with them (flirting), texting and then blocking them everywhere
- Issues with female friendship
- Used to speak while she was sleeping
- Was looking at me like as a man, someone who has to support here all the time, someone who has to provide her all the necessary energy
- Was not really interested in my life, job, hobbies, emotions.
- Was screaming on me outside when I tried to speak with her. She used the same words his father told me.
- At the end of the relationship, she was trying to insult me or hurt me
- After the end of the relationship, once I tried to get in touch with her, she was blocking me on Whatspp, Viber, etc.

A lot of points in common:
-   Romantic, lovely, passionate, uncomplicated and easy
-   Supporting me with some tasks
-   Perfect Lover
-   Dreamer, smart, clever
-   Good Life plans, living an easy life, enjoying emotions, share moments, not interested in money or material staff
-   Sensible and Emotional


Situation  from Nov 2016 - and and 2017: I sent her my best wishes for the New Year. She was happy to hear me, I asked here if she is willing to have a normal relationship with me. She told me that she is still sick and that she will need a few years for a full recovery because this relationship was extremely intense.

What is your opinion on this?

As I told you, if this drama has been caused by her difficult familiar situation, I would go back to her. Otherwise I do not want to deal with Borders.How to make sure she is not sick?

[stevelover84]

First of all apologies for the English Mistakes:

The reason because I have decided to write this post is because I would like to know if my ex GF is a Border or not.
She told me to be in a 100% healthy status, during 2 years of living together, I did not notice anything wrong. Things changed after she got  back to her mental sick mother... .

I really would like to get back to her asap but I want to make sure the relationship will not end in the same way. I know a lot of therapist refuse to work with borderline patients and some others believe they can rescue them so sometimes is better to leave especially if it is not the form of love we deserve!

Nov 2013: I met this wonderful charming, smart, independent lady on the train, we had a nice conversation, we exchanged our phone numbers;
Mar 2014: She got in touch with me: we started texting / calling every day;
Jul 2014: Relationship, Intimacy, Activities, Fun, etc.
Nov 2014: We moved together in a small apartment
Nov 2014 - Nov 2015: Honeymoon, passion, pure love, emotions, top life, spending all days and nights together, wonderful life. Planning everything together, enjoying etc.
She told me that it was the first time in her life that she was completely in love. I think she was telling the true!
Nov 2015: She relocated and moved to his family in order to support her old parents (the mother is mental sick), she was pushing me because she wanted to relocate with me together. I was not ready as I had different plans and I was working in a different country.
Nov - Jul 2016: I tried in all possible ways to stay with her and support her; I have been traveling a lot in order to stay with her. I have given up my entire carrier and friends, it was never enough... .On the other hand, she was always super busy, she never had time for me, and she was always complaining I did not have enough time.

She did not have any energy, she was living at home with her sick mother so I can really understand that it was not easy at all... .

First Abandonment Case
Jun 2016: I went to her house in the morning, it was a surprise, she was there with a friend discussing about what to do with her mother. Her mother was not taking any pills, so he was completely out of control (they had to call the police with the ambulance... .). I stayed with her for the entire day, in the night she asked me to visit her again, I went there for a few hours but I did not want to sleep at her place because that day was really enough for me. She was feeling really bad that night... .After that moment everything changed... .
I can remember during the summer she was asking me many times about future together, living together, etc.
She is 38 years old, I am 5 years younger, she tried to talk to me many times about it but I did not have the right answers at that moment, I am more pragmatic and visionare.
Jul 2016: My birthday was a flop. She used to buy me expensive nice goods, this time she did a wood gadget by herself, no celebration, nothing. She asked me to visit an apartment where she wanted to relocate with me even if I was not ready to do it.  I can really understand that she was stressed but at least a bit more warm... .
Aug 2016: She went back to our apartment, she told me she wanted to spend a few days alone. It was the third time she was asking me to stay alone in the apartment; she was always complaining that it was too small for two (I agree). I was a little bit frustrated so I postponed paying the lease.
She ended up the relationship in a very brutal way by saying that I was abusing this situation because I did not pay any lease and I have never had time for her. Furthermore, I contacted on Facebook a lady living close to us for asking if she saw my GF. My EX GF was completely crazy and started telling me I am am seducer, abuser, etc.
She putted all my things into the basement and she forced me to bring the keys to her daddy (which I did) and to pick up all my goods within a few days. After that day, everything changed, I did not have any idea what it was going wrong, she blocked me everywhere, I had to send her many Emails. She never told me about the real reason.
During the entire month we exchanged Emails, I told her about my emotions, she told me it was my fault, she lot weight because of me etc. Everything was  caused by me... .She never considered that living in the house with a mental sick mother can cause those troubles.
Sep 2016 after 1 months of no contacts (I was really freaking out), I went to her house and she had organized an ugly show with his daddy. He is very old and ill; he was screaming on me... .she was sitting in her room listening all the show and then she was crying and told me to leave.
Oct 2016 she provided me a VERY confused letter speaking about her difficult life, emotions, our faults, our needs etc. She wrote that I should save myself and leave her… She stated that I was when you see that the person you love is hurting you, it is better t leave. ... She ended by writing that this year was a big battle for our love and future.
Oct 2016 I asked her to tell me frankly that she does not love me anymore. She said emotions are not the problem, emotions are there; the main problem is the vision of life, commitments, etc.
Nov 2016 we had a Pizza together and she told me that during the summer, she lost 15 kgs, she could not eat anymore and that she want for many hours to the psychoanalyst because I have told her many times that she as completely unstable. She never told me about this doctor before. She stated that she is someone who suffer of "codependency" and that we have two different personalities... .I asked her if she is narcissist or border but she was immediately telling me that I am the one LOL. I do not know if she tried to make this kind of mirroring projection of her problems on me... .

I am not a Doctor but I spent a lot of time trying to collect information about Borderline Personalities:
Indicators of BPD:
- Mother Mental Insane (Bipolar, schizophrenia). Maybe genetic?
- Fear of Abandonment: previous relationship ended in the same way. One day she was at home and her mother was freaking out. She asked the boyfriend to visit her; he could not visit her as he was working full time. After that, she left.
- When she left her EX BF, she has a very good friend (No romance). Same with me, she has a 55 years old male colleague (For sure just a normal friendship, no intimance!)
- Emotionally (only during the last year) very unstable, tired, sometimes depressed, apatic (I have to say that she is a Doctor working on human being so I can imagine it might be stressful)
- When the mother was freaking out, she got frequently vomit attack, one time we went to the hospital but the doctor did not find anything.
- Told me many times that I have given her the feeling of being inappropriate... .
- A lot of male friendships
- Manipulative behavior
- At the very begin, we had an emotional “Desensibilization” process
- Used to know 50-60 years old men’s on business trip, play with them (flirting), texting and then blocking them everywhere
- Issues with female friendship
- Used to speak while she was sleeping
- Was looking at me like as a man, someone who has to support here all the time, someone who has to provide her all the necessary energy
- Was not really interested in my life, job, hobbies, emotions.
- Was screaming on me outside when I tried to speak with her. She used the same words his father told me.
- At the end of the relationship, she was trying to insult me or hurt me
- After the end of the relationship, once I tried to get in touch with her, she was blocking me on Whatspp, Viber, etc.

A lot of points in common:
-   Romantic, lovely, passionate, uncomplicated and easy
-   Supporting me with some tasks
-   Perfect Lover
-   Dreamer, smart, clever
-   Good Life plans, living an easy life, enjoying emotions, share moments, not interested in money or material staff
-   Sensible and Emotional


Situation  from Nov 2016 - and and 2017: I sent her my best wishes for the New Year. She was happy to hear me, I asked here if she is willing to have a normal relationship with me. She told me that she is still sick and that she will need a few years for a full recovery because this relationship was extremely intense.

What is your opinion on this?

As I told you, if this drama has been caused by her difficult familiar situation, I would go back to her. Otherwise I do not want to deal with Borders.How to make sure she is not sick?

[heartandwhole]

Hi stevelover84,



I'm sorry to hear about your relationship breakup. That is very hard. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have had a really difficult year, with a lot of stress for both of you.

You've come to the right place for support. The members here understand what you've been going through, and the site has lots of tools and resources that can help.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious disorder, and must be diagnosed by a professional. These kinds of unstable relationship issues can happen due to anything from immaturity to stress to mental illness, so we can't know exactly what is going on. That said, your story sounds very familiar—many of us have experienced similar behaviors and reactions. We don't necessarily need a label, the behaviors speak for themselves.

Do you have supportive friends and family? What feelings are you dealing with right now?

It sounds like your girlfriend needs a break for the moment. It's a good time for you to learn all you can about BPD and yourself. Read the articles here, take very good care of yourself (eat well, sleep, exercise) and then when and if you decide to try again with your girlfriend, you'll know much more and feel stronger.

Here is an article that will help illuminate the way many BPD relationships start:

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

Was your relationship like that?

Keep posting. It really helps. We are here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Reforming]

Hi stevelover84,

First of all welcome to BPD Family.

I'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time, but I'm glad that you found your way. This is great community which offers a lot of support and information for those experiencing relationship problems similar to yours.

Only a skilled professional can diagnose a personality disorder and unless she is willing to seek professional help she won't get one.

I understand your desire to try and understand the underlying dynamic here but you can't force this to happen.

Some of your ex girlfriend's behaviour does seem consistent with borderline personality disorder but nobody here can diagnose your ex.

There are many members here who have had or are having relationships with partners that would be defined as subclinical. This means that they don't meet enough of the criteria to be diagnosed as suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder but they still exhibit behaviour that can be extremely challenging and even destructive. It's possible that your ex may fall into this category.

There are also clearly other environmental factors that could be contributing to your situation. It sounds like she is dealing with a lot right now and these life events could certainly be triggering some of her behaviour.  

You obviously care a great deal about her and you're trying to understand that dynamics of your relationship and find a way forward.

What outcome are you hoping for here?

Thanks for sharing your story

Reforming

[Mutt]

Hi stevelover84,



I'd like to join heartandwhole and Reforming and welcome you. 

As I told you, if this drama has been caused by her difficult familiar situation, I would go back to her. Otherwise I do not want to deal with Borders.How to make sure she is not sick?

As previously stated we're not doctors and cannot diagnose, many of our members pwBPD in their lives are subclinical, what we can do is look at traits of the BPD type, a couple of things that stand out for me is a martry complex and emotional immaturity but emotional imatturity is not limited to the disorder.

We can't tell you what to do or diagnose her, I think that you're contemplating being with her and you want re-assurance that she's not BPD, am I correct?

The tools that you learn here can be applied to r/s's beyond BPD, they be used in other romantic r/s's, you don't have anything to lose, you have everything to gain, I'll leave you with a couple of links.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

[stevelover84]

Hello Reformind, Hello heartandwhole!

Thanks so much for your answer and support.

I was reading the article you suggested me, I have to tell you, there are many common points.

Love - the Vulnerable Seducer Phase
I do not think he wanted me to save her. She contacted me after 6 months, at the very begin, we had a perfect balanced situation, she was even offering me to stay at her apartment etc. The start of our relationship was quite normal. She admired me but I never felt myself as a hero or idealized.
She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.
Yes, it was exactly my situation.

Love - the Clinger Phase
Not really. I was the one taking decisions for everything, restaurant, outfit, daily routine, etc. As I said, problems arise when she got back to her parents house (where the sick mother live). During the last year, she was depressed, anxious, detached and indifferent, vulnerable and hypersensitive.
She complained that I never had time to stay with her and that I was not helping enough. I am a business owner so as you can imagine, I have been really busy but I always tried to find a few hours for us. I noticed something started to change when she was trying to hurt me for stupid things or my personal decisions.
At the same time, she got many vomit attacks when she was alone, I had to run to her place and stay with her before she fell into sleep.
I remember she wanted to relocate with me because she could not stay at her place. She told me that another man would have organized everything in order to rescue her from that situation in her parents house. I told her I was missing a lot of 2 years of living together but that we cannot just relocate because of the temporary problems with her mother, it is an important decision!

Yes, Sex was really incredible, it was the first time she felt those intensive emotions.

Love - the Hater Phase
She blocked me in August 2016 for more than one month, we could just exchange a few Emails, nothing more… From that moment, she started to see me as the cause of everything. I am the one not supporting her, she lost 15 kgs because of me, etc.
She stated that I was the reason because she was crying on a daily base, she tried to speak to me many times because she wanted a change but I never took her arguments in a serious way. She also accused me of having an affair with our neighbor, I just asked her on facebook if my GF was at home or not… OK I left some Likes on Facebook just to attract her attention and check her message box.

I have a few open questions:
- She told me that the psychoanalysis identificated herself with a codependency personality and that she is NOT mental sick. True or not?
- She admitted to have fear of abandonment and that the only think I would have to do in order to stay with her for the entire life was "love", "care" "support".
- She admitted that the last relationship ended in the same way. There was also a third party (friend) during the transaction phase.
- She told me many times that tihs 55 years old friend is willing to make everything for her, support her, love her, give her energy and attention and that I should be the same... .

Back to your questions, the first day of the year, I sent her a SMS asking if she want to go into a good friendship with me. She said that the relationship was too intensive and she needs a lot of time (probably 1-2 years) in order to take enough distance from our relationship and that she wants to focus only on her health and healing.

It is very interesting what you are saying about the "subclinical cases". If you were me, how could you double check if she is suffering of BPD or not?

[stevelover84]

Hi Guys!

I just went to her place because I have to ask her if she got some post for me. I did not have any other way because she blocked my number everywhere.

She came out of her house, she was extremely thin.

We started to speak about my problem with the post. She suddenly started to cry. I asked her what was going wrong, she  said that "our relationship was not based on love, because if you love someone, you would never leave the other person in the middle of the storm... .". We could not speak more but she asked me again to break all contacts and let her go.

What do you think does it mean?

Just a way to tell me that I am responsible for not caring enough (Typical of BSD when they have already replaced you with someone else but they do not want you to go... .or maybe a real emotion (not BSD) coming from her soul?

I do not want to overreact but maybe this crying is just part of the last phase of the BSP Process where you do not want your EX to go.

How to know it?

[heartandwhole]

I do not want to overreact but maybe this crying is just part of the last phase of the BSP Process where you do not want your EX to go.

How to know it?

Hi stevelover,

It's impossible to get inside someone else's head and heart, so yes, she may just have cried because seeing you brought up the sadness of losing your relationship and presence in her life.

Please remember that BPD is characterized by patterns of emotional instability, so what might feel very sad one day can change to the exact opposite the next (or even within hours). I wouldn't say that her feelings are not real—they are, in that moment, very real—it's just that they are likely to change quickly to something else, even the opposite. Then that feeling is the Truth of her experience. I know how hard it is for a loved one to navigate—it's one of the reasons my relationship broke down—but it also sounds exhausting for pwBPD. 

Are you feeling conflicted about what was real in your relationship?

heartandwhole

[stevelover84]

Hi stevelover,

It's impossible to get inside someone else's head and heart, so yes, she may just have cried because seeing you brought up the sadness of losing your relationship and presence in her life.

Please remember that BPD is characterized by patterns of emotional instability, so what might feel very sad one day can change to the exact opposite the next (or even within hours). I wouldn't say that her feelings are not real—they are, in that moment, very real—it's just that they are likely to change quickly to something else, even the opposite. Then that feeling is the Truth of her experience. I know how hard it is for a loved one to navigate—it's one of the reasons my relationship broke down—but it also sounds exhausting for pwBPD. 

Are you feeling conflicted about what was real in your relationship?

heartandwhole

Hello, thanks for your comment.

Well, I believe she is probably a subclinical case, she meets 30/50% of the BSD behaviours... .I have to be honest, only the last year I noticed something strange... .so it is quite complicated to tell you how I feel about it now... .

What I can tell you is that the last year she was really living in a difficult environment with her mental sick mother, cancer daddy etc... .

So I cannot really complain about it as I understand the shock after living together day and night 2 years honey moon in 40 sqm flat

Today, her first reaction was very aggressive, defensive, she said that I should not go there as it is an invasion of her private zone. After asking her many times she finally came out, I started to ask for her help in order to get my mail. She was non cooperative and quite angry but then she decided to help me... .After we spoke about the mail she immediately started to cry... .She was extremely sad, she just said that our relationship has been something different from a love relationship because "when you love someone you do not let this person fall down just because she did not have any attention for me". I want to be honest, after living 2 years together, I also had my troubles / stress and not really much time for her problems because I felt she was extracting all my energy ... .we were living in two different countries and once I had a moment I always tried to text her or visit her did it... .I remember she was losing weight month by month and she could not sleep... .she also had some vomit attack... .I associated all those cases with her sick mother... .Infact the worst day was when I left her house after a shocking day at her house... .this was the case of fear of abandonment... .something changed that day (it was exactly the same trigger as with her EX BF)... .

  Once I understood, I started to keep more distance and everything was falling down until some behavioural side  from her side-(a vomit attack,  some loudly discussion etc

On the other hand I shall say that she has never admitted or apologized for anything: I am the cause of not helping enough... .not the right guy... .not helping enough etc etc. She told me that I have to change, she wants a family as she is mature and deserve to have it, she is not ready for my "business venture" all over the world... .she was extremely frustrated, she wanted to live with me again and leave her house... .

At the begin of the relationship she was really in love, she stated that it was the first time in her life really completely in love. this is the true, we were feeling pure emotions like teenagers... .Even when she broke she told me that Love was not the problem... .

[Notwendy]

I agree that we aren't capable of putting professional labels on someone. However, "co-dependency" is a situation that can stand alone, or with a mental illness as far as I know. From my reading, I have seen that both partners of pwBPD and pwBPD can have co-dependent traits.

I have heard that therapists can be reluctant to use the label of BPD. Maybe they are uncertain at first or they think the client may not be as compliant with that label. They may use something descriptive- like depression, co-dependency. It is also possible that someone with BPD might not admit or accept to having that label and chooses to use something else.

BPD can co-exist with depression, co-dependency, and things like substance abuse or eating disorders. Someone with BPD might have some of these other behaviors, or not.

It is hard to know what your ex GF has, but I think that focusing on her behaviors and interactions with you is helpful- whatever label she has or admits to.

[stevelover84]

I agree that we aren't capable of putting professional labels on someone. However, "co-dependency" is a situation that can stand alone, or with a mental illness as far as I know. From my reading, I have seen that both partners of pwBPD and pwBPD can have co-dependent traits.

I have heard that therapists can be reluctant to use the label of BPD. Maybe they are uncertain at first or they think the client may not be as compliant with that label. They may use something descriptive- like depression, co-dependency. It is also possible that someone with BPD might not admit or accept to having that label and chooses to use something else.

BPD can co-exist with depression, co-dependency, and things like substance abuse or eating disorders. Someone with BPD might have some of these other behaviors, or not.

It is hard to know what your ex GF has, but I think that focusing on her behaviors and interactions with you is helpful- whatever label she has or admits to.

Thanks so much for your valuable comment.

The main issue is that if she is suffering of "just" co-dependency and fear of abandonment, there is no reason for me to leave. Otherwise, if she is mental ill (BPD), then it is better to leave it as I do not want to fall into the roller coaster again and again... .

We met each other in Autumn, she started by saying that she went into therapy because she wanted not to rescue the relationship but to understand what was going wrong with her... .She had an hysteric attack in the car so she wanted to understand better this reaction...

According to my EX GF... .The Doctors said:

- We are not compatible because I need a lot of attention and love, to be in the center as I had during childhood and she cannot give me those emotions because her life is extremely complicated and difficult... .
- She had probably some kind o depression because of her Mental Sick Mother, new job, stressful job, responsibilities, etc.
- She suffer of co-dependency and she has to start to say NO and follow also her wishes and needs (Which is the true as she did everything what I wanted for more than 1 year)
- She should focus more on herself etc.
- She admitted to suffer of fear of abandonment;

I asked If she has BSD personality or profile... .she did not say anything and she changed the topic. I will never know if the Doctor detected it or not... .What she told me is that she is a strong woman with NO mental problems but with some particular behaviours.

Now she is in this kind of love and hate,,,. She said she just want to focus on her health and job. No space for guys... .

The fact that maybe she is NOT BSD does not let me close the book... .What do you suggest me to do?

[stevelover84]

Hi,

I just had a 5 hours session with my EX GF.

I went to her house and her parents were extremely nice to me (even considering that the mother is mental ill).

I am extremely confused. We spoke again about everything, from the very begin. I have to admit that a few things were correct, others were just

bull please read               |.



BIG POINTS:

- She did not ask anything about my business, life, family nothing. She even told me I should take all my things from the basement asap because she

closed the contract of the appartment (it has been 6 months I should have already taken the stuff).
The only question was "What did you learn during the last 6 months? She also asked what I have in mind for my future.

- Another VERY important point of discussion was the fact the her parents are both very ill and that I should support all the times until their last

day of life. I told her this is NOT health and correct because we should keep our relationship as a happy island.

A few other points:

- Looked to me a little bit bipolar. On the one side, she was emotional, on the other side aggressive.
- Even told me I have narcisist tendences and that because of that, she was becoming codependent.
- Was complaining about myself and the fact that I have to act like a real man.
- Was telling me many times that she does not feel good and that she need a recovery time.
- Telling me I cannot fullfit all her needs.
- Telling me she still feel love but love is not enough for a mature relationship.

I cannot tell myself if I should stay or if I should go... .Is she BPD or not... .