ENABLERS in the form of family/friends? Tips to deal with them?

[jasbjj]

I am convinced my wife is borderline, BUT her parents, with whom she is extremely close, do not do her any favors, as they spoil her rotten (she is 33 and her father still pays her car insurance) and make excuses for her irrational behavior.  A few years back we had an argument at her parents' house which lead to her slapping me in the back of the head.  Neither of her parents reprimanded her and when I brought it up to her dad, his response was "jasbjj, look at her, and look at you, do you really think she could harm you?" completely missing the point.  Her mother is a spoiled housewife who contributes nothing to society and lives on facebook.  Every time we fight, her mother takes the liberty to text me short novels on how I need to shape up and make her happy because she's a good mom and works hard, etc.  Not once have I ever heard either of her parents tell her that she needs to control her emotions, especially her anger, better.  They treat her with expensive dinners, vacations, etc. and subconsciously make her think that hedonism is the key to happiness.  Unsurprisingly, her #1 complaint about me is that I don't make enough money.

I have tried to talking to both of her parents rationally about her anger issues but I get nowhere.  We have literally followed them around the U.S. because she is so co-dependent on them.  Does anyone have similar stories regarding enablers?  Any advice on how to talk to them without them becoming defensive?  I feel like if her parents were out of the picture then many of her BPD traits would be diminished.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mmcnulty]

Enablers are gonna enable, whether they have money or not.  DV is NEVER ok.  Never.  Parents, by and large, are going to love their kids, and find ways to show it, e.g., paying car insurance.  This is the place to read and learn and make a plan to create the life you need - with her or without her.  You don't get to decide for her.  You only get to decide for yourself.

[jasbjj]

Its funny because, for the most part, I have created the life I need.  I try not to take anything I have for granted and try to be mindful of what I have every day.  I am very independent and have a multitude of different hobbies and passions.  If she were to leave me tomorrow, I would only be devastated because my two sons would have to grow up in a broken home.  Aside from that, I don't have trouble attracting the opposite sex and I know what I want in life so I would be fine.  However, I am choosing to stick this out for my sons, and as a married couple, most decisions need to be mutually agreed upon.  So when I want to do X as a family and she wants to Y, and her parents are agreeing with her that she needs to do Y, I feel powerless.

[livednlearned]

That's a tough dynamic, jasbjj!

Have you read about Karpman drama triangle? It's pretty common in dysfunctional families (mine has it mastered).

In the drama triangle, there is a victim, rescuer, and perpetrator. It sounds like anytime you have a healthy boundary, your wife becomes the victim, which creates a rescue role for mom and dad.

Here's some helpful information about it.

The way to win at the drama triangle is to not play the game 

Which is hard, and takes some practice. The other people in the dynamic will likely get irritated when they sense you aren't engaging because they need you to stabilize the triangle.

LnL

[jasbjj]

That link was very helpful.  Thanks!

[waverider]

Trying to change the dynamic between her and her parents is futile, the more you try the more they will turn on you. The more energy you will spent and more frustration you will feel.

Stepping out of that dynamic and not responding or justifying their input. I put myself in the mindset of talking to a child who is telling me that their invisible friend agrees that she needs a new dolly. You dont argue about the validity of the recommendations of the invisible friend, you make your decisions based on your own reality.

eg if your wife hits you in her parents house you respond as you would elsewhere. Her parents opinions are not relevant, as they are not respected by you. You deal with your reality.