Looking for advice with elderly parents and BPD brother

[daisymydog]

Hello All:

I am returning to this wonderful helpful site after a long absence. Saying hello, and also hoping for advice. I appreciate any and all!  Sorry to be so long-winded with this, I'm in one of those BPD situations that makes my thoughts go around like goldfish in too-small bowl!

I'm a middle-aged woman (non-BPD) who has been NC with my BPD brother for nine blissful years. Now my elderly parents are getting sick and need surgeries and care. Not sure how to handle their care with my BPD bro in the picture, and I'm looking for advice from anyone who has been through it. They live in the same state, and I am far away.

How did you handle your parent's going into assisted living, passing over control of their finances, and eventually dealing with estate issues with a BPD sibling around?

Here are the players:

me: happily married, I've built a very pleasant life a good 3000 miles from the family dysfunction.  My husband has significant health issues, so I don't want to burden him with visiting my family.

mom: getting dementia, in denial about it. Denial is her go-to coping mechanism, always. Anxiety issues, light-hoarding, often narcissistic. Failed to protect me from Dad, bro, other abusive men. Possibly abused herself as child. Still, in many ways a good mom, much better than she had herself. I hold her no ill-will now, and want to make sure she has decent old age.

dad: going blind, needs open heart surgery, may die any day from weak blood vessels. Maybe 2 years to live, tops. I think he had/has BPD as well.  As a younger man alternated between rage and pathetic tears, threatened to kill us and/or suicide, beat me a couple of times, had bouts of paranoia, moments of pyschosis, suffered from extreme depression, and was just generally a real treat! I believe he is now on medication. Still bitter and kooky, but no longer a threat.   I hold him no ill-will, but no real love, either. Still, willing to help him with his last years, within healthy limits.

bro: a few years older than me. Large, scary, threatening when last I saw him. Rages, threats, shows little remorse or empathy, picks certain people to victimize, idealize others, has sent me  hundreds of pieces of hate mail and threats for going NC, has moments of pyschosis, in one of which he "pretended" to stab me to death with a pair of scissors (forced me to my knees, pulled back my hair to expose my neck, then repeatedly stabbed towards my heart while screaming obscenities about how much he wanted me dead). 

bro's family: he has married an extremely young woman that I've never met. But her FB page describes a couple of road rage incidents involving the two of them chasing other cars at high speeds or leaping out to threaten people, while having their three young sons in the car. The police always seem to just "show-up" somehow in these stories, and annoy her by asking her to "calm down".

So, the questions are:

1) I haven't visited my parents since my bro moved nearby, for fear he would show up and attack me. Now I want to see them before they die.  I've explained to them I don't feel safe with bro around, and they tell me that "he's better" which I don't believe at all.  I'm thinking of hiring a bodyguard in case kooky bro shows up. Has anyone tried this? How did it go?

2) I want to get my parents into assisted living near them, and seem to be making headway. Should I just move them in someplace without bro's knowledge? Or try to involve him somehow so he feels it's his idea. They report he is in denial about their health needs.  Strategies?

3) Should I film all encounters via FB live? He behaves much better with witnesses. Anyone tried this?

4) Dad tells me he's too blind to pay bills, and mom forgets if she's done so. He says he honestly doesn't know if house, car, insurance are being paid. Has anyone tried professional service to help with that? How can I make sure my bro doesn't take over and rob them blind?

5) Should I only communicate with bro via lawyers? Has anyone tried that?

and finally,

6) Has anyone tried all they could for their parents, but finally just had to leave them in the BPD siblings hands? My mom still believes my bro to be a golden child, and I worry she will just blithely entrust herself to him and end up neglected or abused.

Thanks to anyone who read all that!

Daisy (not real name, sorry!)

[valet]

Wow. First off, congratulations on taking control of your own life and getting yourself as far as you could from that situation. There aren't many people that would make those choices given the chance.

It sounds like you have a pretty good lay of the land here. Is there any way you could get some lawyers involved and get a PO against your brother? From what I'm reading he seems like the main source of conflict in this situation—and it doesn't look like a scenario where you'd lack the evidence to get him barred from seeing you. Considering his tendency to act better when 'being watched', this could be the ultimate boundary. Anything that you can do to keep him away so you feel safe taking care of business would be my very first priority in your shoes.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Daisymydog:   

I'm glad you have had some peaceful years away from your BPD brother.  Sorry about the situations your are facing with your elderly parents. 

How did you handle your parent's going into assisted living, passing over control of their finances, and eventually dealing with estate issues with a BPD sibling around?

My uBPD sister really went off the rails and painted me black, when our parent's health began to fail.  Collectively, we dealt with their hospitalizations, which occurred within a week of each other, to both their deaths (within a 6-month period).   Our parents didn't share the specifics of their trust with us, but we were both "Co" everything (medical POA's for both, financial POA's for both and then on the trust).  Oh joy, what a living hell that was.

Who is currently named as financial POA, medical POA, trustee of a trust, or executor of the estate?

So, the questions are:
1) I haven't visited my parents since my bro moved nearby, for fear he would show up and attack me. Now I want to see them before they die.  I've explained to them I don't feel safe with bro around, and they tell me that "he's better" which I don't believe at all.  I'm thinking of hiring a bodyguard in case kooky bro shows up. Has anyone tried this? How did it go?

Things are always better with a witness.  If you don't have a friend or relative to act as a witness and have the means to get a bodyguard to make your feel safe, then I'd say get a bodyguard.

2) I want to get my parents into assisted living near them, and seem to be making headway. Should I just move them in someplace without bro's knowledge? Or try to involve him somehow so he feels it's his idea. They report he is in denial about their health needs.  Strategies?

I was in a "no win" situation with my sister.  Our mom transitioned back and forth, from multiple hospital stays to skilled nursing facilities (during a 5-month period).  I let my sister make the first choice for the skilled nursing facility.  I'm glad I did.  Of course, she made nasty comments, indicating I didn't care about our mom, etc.  The reality was, the hospital discharge happened in short order (unexpectedly) and my sister lived closer to the skilled nursing facility options.  I'm so glad I let my sister decide, as there were problems with the facility that she choose.  If I had influenced the decision in any way, it would have been far worse for me.

In my experience, you will have problems with your BPD brother, no matter what you do.  If you include him in on the decision on where your parents are placed, it could make things easier for you.

My sister choose the first Skilled Nursing Facility for our mom and our mom contracted MRSA while there.  My sister made a unilateral decision to approve a room change for my mom while at her last Skilled Nursing Facility, which led to her being put into a room with a patient who was  had Influenza A.  Well that led to our mom's last trip to the hospital, a third round of sepsis and her eventual death.

My sister made all the decisions that I could have been blamed for.  I just kept my mouth shut, for the most part.  I don't play the blame game.  My sister was critical of most situations.  She hated the palliative doctor, when we were approached about withholding some care for our mother.  She hated the supervising nurse at one facility and referred to her as stupid.  Wow, it was quite a rough ride.   My sister even tried to blame me for my dad falling and breaking his neck. 

I wish I had some magic words of advice. I think the impending loss of a parent (s) brings on fear of abandonment and then strong BPD behaviors.

3) Should I film all encounters via FB live? He behaves much better with witnesses. Anyone tried this?

I don't know about FB live.  I'd hate to stream and share anything on FB.  I'd definitely take the opportunity to use an audio recorder and video recording when possible, but I'd try not to flaunt it.  What can or can't be used in a court setting, depends on where you live.  At your parent's home, I'd record first, then worry about what can be used in court later. 

4) Dad tells me he's too blind to pay bills, and mom forgets if she's done so. He says he honestly doesn't know if house, car, insurance are being paid. Has anyone tried professional service to help with that? How can I make sure my bro doesn't take over and rob them blind?

If you have a financial POA for your parents, or are listed on their accounts, you could do something like online bill pay.  You can set your parents up with an email address and have most of their bills sent electronically to that address.  You can just go in and retrieve the bills each month and then pay them electronically from their bank account. 

You can do a lot electronically these days.  If your parents have money for a professional service, then that could be an option.

5) Should I only communicate with bro via lawyers? Has anyone tried that?

It depends on how much money you want to spend.  I'll spare you the pages of details, in regard to my sister, but she lawyered up, after we sold our parent's house. 

After a chain of events, I refused to accept phone calls, texts or emails from my sister.  All interaction in regard to our parent's trust was in writing, and "return receipt requested" by snail mail. At one point, I retained a lawyer, but I had a horrible experience and fired them.  I'm glad I cut my losses and was actually in a worse position with them as opposed to without them.  I caught on early on that my sister's lawyer's demand letters were aimed to intimidate and scare me.  I took a position a couple of times, that if they didn't comply with a simple and ordinary request (that was routine for processing a trust), they could initiate court action and we would settle it in court.  Some issues continue to drag on, but so far, no court action.

6) Has anyone tried all they could for their parents, but finally just had to leave them in the BPD siblings hands? My mom still believes my bro to be a golden child, and I worry she will just blithely entrust herself to him and end up neglected or abused.

It's hard to make a blanket statement.  I'm thinking your parents will need some assisted living help.  If that is provided by others, then it would be less of an issue.  Overseeing assisted living care can be an issue unto itself.  I can only speak for California.  Even though I went to regulatory website and looked up inspection history and ratings for various skilled nursing facilities, it was tough to get good care, even with the highest rated facilities (with the lesser amount of citations).

[daisymydog]

Hello

Valet:

Thanks for your note.  I'm not familiar with a PO, is that like a restraining order? How would a lawyer help me with that?


Naughty Nibbler:

Thanks for your long and thoughtful response. That situation with your parents sounds like it must have been really, really hard. All the back and forth and emails and lawyers, and yep. Can just picture it.

On your questions:

Will:
I asked my parents about "financial POA, medical POA, trustee of a trust, or executor of the estate" a few weeks ago. Years ago they'd mentioned making my brother executor, over my pleas not to, because he was "older than" me and it would "hurt his feelings" not to be named first. Sigh. Now they say, truthfully, that they don't know where the will is and can't remember their lawyer's name, and she was elderly and retired anyhow, whoever she was. Oh, and they might have made it in another state.

Maybe I can get them to make another? I don't know.

Witnesses:
I have a wonderful, brave cousin who volunteered to visit with me. But she can't be there for every visit, so yes, bodyguard.

Who makes decisions:
I agree it will be worse for me to pick the place. But he'll do nothing until I do something. If I do convince them to move someplace, at least I'll know I did what I could. Chances he'll yank them out of there are high, and move them elsewhere, but at that point I'd just walk away.

Video recording:
Not really wanting to share my family issues with all and sundry via FB, but he is perfectly capable of snatching and smashing any recording device. Maybe I'll look for some other cloud based video storage that saves video securely without broadcasting to the world.

Assisted living regulatory sites:
There are such things? Oh boy! Thanks for the tip. I'll try to find a registry for their state. At least I'll know I did the best I could there. I tried unsuccessfully to get them to my state instead, but they aren't budging. Probably a good thing, since he has a tendency to  ***shudder*** follow them.

Thanks for sharing!

[valet]

Hello

Valet:

Thanks for your note.  I'm not familiar with a PO, is that like a restraining order? How would a lawyer help me with that?

To be honest, I am utterly unfamiliar with how the process works. I've never had to go that route thankfully.

But in short: it's an order of protection, just like a restraining order, barring the person from being near you or interacting with you. You'd have to provide documentation of past violence or threatening behavior if you want to go through the legal system—and a lawyer, most definitely. A lot of legal folks would probably give you a free consultation via phone if you want to pursue this.

Personally I'd prefer to not approach it this way. It seems like a hassle. But scope out the situation a little more. Do you think your parents could give you any information on how he might act, or would you be afraid to place your trust in them?

[daisymydog]

  Valet :

Thanks for your answer.

I am not sure any proof I have of my brother's behavior would stand up in a court of law- it's all pretty old. I would have to wait and document new stuff, because I've been NC with him for so long.

I'm afraid I can't trust my parent's assessment of him. They did listen, recently, when I told them about stuff he had done in the past, and they got upset, cried for me, and apologized for it. That was huge. They asked, "Why didn't you tell us that before?" to which I responded, of course "I did, and you did not listen. But I am glad you are listening now, thanks."

But when I expressed my fears him attacking me, they said, "He's never been violent, and don't worry, he's no longer violent!"  I pointed out those two statements were, ahem, contradictory. At which point my dad said, ":)on't worry, he'd never hurt you because he doesn't want to lose his kids."

Reassuring? No.

Reading this is making me realize, once again, just how nutsy my family is! Oh, it's been a lovely, lovely break from it all, being NC and LC!