Push pull?

[Aesir]

My ex would say that she wanted a closer relationship and advance it to the next level (marriage) in time. But... When I got closer and tried to move the relationship forward she would make up excuses and back track. In the end she of course blamed me for the entire course of the relationship and for it's lack of progress.  I could only do what she allowed me to do and after a while I gave up.

[heartandwhole]

Yes, Aesir, the push-pull dynamic did a number on my head and heart, too. It likely comes from the abandonment-engulfment feelings that are repeat cycles for many with BPD.

It's very understandable that after awhile you gave up. Did you feel like you couldn't do anything right? How do you feel about having given up?

heartandwhole

[Aesir]

Yes, Aesir, the push-pull dynamic did a number on my head and heart, too. It likely comes from the abandonment-engulfment feelings that are repeat cycles for many with BPD.

It's very understandable that after awhile you gave up. Did you feel like you couldn't do anything right? How do you feel about having given up?

heartandwhole

I felt confused and that I was doing something wrong.  After I gave that aspect of the relationship up gradually I felt the relationship was ultimately doomed. Mainly because she was increasingly demanding but at the same time she was not putting enough into the relationship to make it work. That's emotionally and financially.

After the final surrender... I feel drained and somewhat unworthy. I tried to do the right things but it was like I was treading water but not going anywhere.

[Larmoyant]

After the final surrender... I feel drained and somewhat unworthy. I tried to do the right things but it was like I was treading water but not going anywhere.

Aesir, you have described this perfectly. This is what led to the end of my relationship. He asked me to marry him, then failed to make plans and instead put many obstacles in the way and blamed me for them. This pattern repeated throughout the relationship. It was incredibly painful and took me a long time to understand the reasoning behind it. As heartandwhole says it was likely part of her fear of abandonment-engulfment. Once I learned that it helped to depersonalise it a little. It wasn’t you.