Confused

[AliasBristow]

Hi everyone,

So I am a little confused about something my BPD ex said to me and I just want to get other people's opinions on it.

After trying for a month to get her back, I have finally realised it isn't going to happen. I had to have a discussion with her about money - that topic is inevitable. I first brought it up last Sunday when I saw her in person. I was very nice about it, tried not to make a big deal but just said I think we should be going at least 50/50 (so far she had kept everything except a sum of money that she gave back to my parent's which they had given us for our wedding). She went off her face at me. Said these things always come down to money. I apologised and said it just needs to be spoken about and dealt with. She wasn't happy but she said she would give me something back. Over the week when I was thinking about it more, I calculated exactly how much I should be getting back, so I emailed her. Once again, did it in a very nice and clear way. Her response began with "I was just starting to recover emotionally from Sunday just this evening and now this". And then she went on to argue against everything I said. She believes she had given me money already (not the money from Sunday) to help pay the rent of the house I am stuck in until the lease runs out because she got to walk away from it. But she never gave me money so I don't know why she thinks she has! She was even using petty excuses such as she has filled my car up with petrol a few times (this happened in the first year of our relationship when she didn't have a car so I drove us everywhere! And it literally happened two or three times).

Anyway, I tried responding but once again she was arguing. So I said this "you know what... .I give up. There's not even any point in trying to get through to you. It is just money. Keep it." I sent this late last night. This morning she sent me this "You don't get to give up just like that" ? I was mind boggled! What on Earth did she mean by this? I was so tempted to email back and say that she was the one that gave up on the relationship but I knew that would be a bad move. So I left it for about 45 minutes and just as I was about to respond I got another email from her saying she will give me some more money back... .

I am very confused! I don't know if I hit a nerve saying that I give up? Because so far I haven't given up on her. Trying everything I could to save the relationship but she wouldn't have a bar of it. Or maybe after sleeping on it, she realised that she was being unfair? I have absolutely no idea and was wondering if I could get a different take on it?

[ynwa]

Hey Alias,

You did nothing wrong. You had a normal conversation/discussion/argument.  The problem is having expectations. She cannot and will not at times be expected to compromise or be rational.  If you are emotionally charged at say 7, she will be 12. Accept you are a trigger to her.  You might be focused just on the money, and very specific.  She wont see it.

Detachment. Disengage.  Give it space, more importantly give yourself space.  I have been in these moments more times than I can count. And I know what it's like to walk away with literally no idea on what I was trying to say in the beginning.

When I talk to my ex about money or logistics, I keep it simple and quick.  I left x dollars for x bill.  Please pay it. 

Any other conversations are separate.  And I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I can tell you it may or may not get easier dealing with your SO, but even with the tools of detachment and patience, this is going to be a constant in your life.

Give yourself time and space away from her and be honest.  You need to come first,

[AliasBristow]

Thanks ynwa,

We have already agreed not to see each other. And the communication is pretty much non-existent now. I just thought it was important to get the money sorted so there wouldn't be any unfinished business between us and so I can detach. I tried to keep it simple and brief but she turned it into a massive thing. But I am happy with the outcome, so there's no need to contact her further. I am still confused about her comment though! But I accept that I may never find out exactly what she meant by it.

[ynwa]

I am still confused about her comment though! But I accept that I may never find out exactly what she meant by it.

That's a lot in two sentences.  It is why (for me at least) I have to let things go.  I know I have to be responsible for me.  It why I'm on this board, sharing and asking questions.  You are asking the right questions.  Are you really confused by her actions? Or is it your expectations, that she would once, just once react differently and validate your feelings?

[AliasBristow]

I guess I am just hoping that by doing that, she does actually care? Deep down inside she cares but she has become so lost that she can't control it? Either way, it doesn't really matter. We both have our own lives now and I am trying to focus on me!

[ynwa]

Alias,  she might very well be lost. She might have been lost when you were together, as she was before you. Perhaps and more than likely after.

If she cared? She would suddenly change?  They live in themselves too much to care selflessly for too long.  The push/pull is their own sense of self coming and going.  Their actions speak louder than their words. My ex says things that are probably attempts at truth but her actions are louder. 

disengaging from someone you love is at times the opposite of what love has been shown and told to us.  But it is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves.

So, yes maybe she feels something, probably on a very shallow surface level.  She can give you "some" money.  But do you see this as a pattern more and more?  Her making the most simple relationship interactions difficult, freaking out and blaming you afterwards?  In turn did you see yourself falling into your pattern of response, reaction and confusion?

[AliasBristow]

She may come across as extremely selfish at times. And she would even openly admit that. But I truly believe she did care about me. And I guess I do believe that she still does in a way. Things that happen like with what she said the other night, just confirm it. My response to something like this earlier on in the break up was a false sense of hope. But I'm not going to give her that reaction now. I said thank you to her and pretty much left it at that!

[ynwa]

Good for you.  You have experienced push and pull with her.
Are you reading about detachment?

I found this to be helpful before I was able to start really detaching.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries