He's trying hard ... but I am still unhappy.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there:

After months of struggeling with the question if I should or shouldn't chase the relationship with my uBPD boyfriend, I am still conflicted.

We're together for 7 years and have a child of 3 months. The time of pregnancy was the worst of all. I have recorded some of the discussions we had with my mobile and find them worse than ever. He was extremely belitteling, dominant and passive-aggressive. After the birth of our child, it got much better, but still I am not happy. He's still wanting his way and sometimes uses emotional blackmail to get it.

One month ago I told him I was about to break up (which was true) and realized that at least we had to fight for our family and try our best before we give up. So we're going to couples therapy and work things out. He's trying hard to please me, cooks us dinner, cares for our new flat and our daughter. For now, there isn't much I could complain about.

But apart from that, he doesn't get at all, why I suffer. I am still unhappy. I cannot forget, I cannot forgive and I do fantasize about beeing left alone with our daughter, getting some freedom. I am detached. Unlike him, I do not NOT fight for our family.

I fear ... .
... .that after restoring and reviving our relationship it would all be my fault
... .his behaviour towards me would worsen again
... .constant circular discussions with someone you just can't discuss with ... .ever and ever again
... .our child would suffer from us

So I'd rather go.

Is there any perspective? I don't see any. At best our lives would be mediocre with some ups and downs. I see myself at the end of my life finding out I did it all wrong. I don't want to sacrifice happieness for shallow waters. I'd rather bite the bullet once than to be stuck in something mildly unhealthy my whole life.

It takes courage to leave.
I could make a mistake.
I still don't have that courage.

[SettingBorders]

Hi there:

After months of struggeling with the question if I should or shouldn't chase the relationship with my uBPD boyfriend, I am still conflicted.

We're together for 7 years and have a child of 3 months. The time of pregnancy was the worst of all. I have recorded some of the discussions we had with my mobile and find them worse than ever. He was extremely belitteling, dominant and passive-aggressive. After the birth of our child, it got much better, but still I am not happy. He's still wanting his way and sometimes uses emotional blackmail to get it.

One month ago I told him I was about to break up (which was true) and realized that at least we had to fight for our family and try our best before we give up. So we're going to couples therapy and work things out. He's trying hard to please me, cooks us dinner, cares for our new flat and our daughter. For now, there isn't much I could complain about.

But apart from that, he doesn't get at all, why I suffer. I am still unhappy. I cannot forget, I cannot forgive and I do fantasize about beeing left alone with our daughter, getting some freedom. I am detached. Unlike him, I do not NOT fight for our family.

I fear ... .
... .that after restoring and reviving our relationship it would all be my fault
... .his behaviour towards me would worsen again
... .constant circular discussions with someone you just can't discuss with ... .ever and ever again
... .our child would suffer from us

So I'd rather go.

Is there any perspective? I don't see any. At best our lives would be mediocre with some ups and downs. I see myself at the end of my life finding out I did it all wrong. I don't want to sacrifice happieness for shallow waters. I'd rather bite the bullet once than to be stuck in something mildly unhealthy my whole life.

It takes courage to leave.
I could make a mistake.
I still don't have that courage.

[formflier]

In addition, it takes courage to stand tall for yourself and make choices for yourself about what you will tolerate in a r/s while staying.

Listen, there will be days where he reverts and uses some sort of emotional blackmail... .let him.  It's his choice, not yours.  You be strong enough to go do something else and let him sort our how he will do with your "non participation".

Great job on couples therapy and I'm glad he is responding. 

What are you doing to heal your feelings?

FF

[SettingBorders]

In addition, it takes courage to stand tall for yourself and make choices for yourself about what you will tolerate in a r/s while staying.

Listen, there will be days where he reverts and uses some sort of emotional blackmail... .let him.  It's his choice, not yours.  You be strong enough to go do something else and let him sort our how he will do with your "non participation".

I respond a lot after beeing blackmailed. The new thing is: "If you care for our relationship, then you should ... .xyz " He sais it not in an angry, but in a pleading or injured voice. And then I think, I really should ... .xyz, because I am still there and in consequence should give him a real chance. He asks me to fix things that hurt him. Mostly, I say yes ... .and after a couple of hours I say no. Then he's hurt ... .and I feel guilty. Guilt-talk is a huge thing in our relationship.

And no, I don't manage to stop that feeling or behaviour of mine.

Great job on couples therapy and I'm glad he is responding. 

Thanks. Although I am not sure about it. The therapist doesn't get what's going on between us. She thinks we're two pigheads with communication problems. :-/

What are you doing to heal your feelings?

Nothing. I am detached and don't want to get pulled in again. I am fed up, but I don't feel personally hurt anymore. I can let past things be past, when I think of a future without him. But when I think of a future with him, fear overwhelmes me. I don't want to go through that again.