Moving Forward

[Winston26]

Hello all,

I was in a relationship with my now ex boyfriend for about 7 years (he is 21). We grew up together and often times had people telling us how lucky we were to have found each other. He was the sweetest, most loving, generous soul I have ever met and the profound love I had for him was unimaginable. About a year ago, we began to look at engagement rings; however, we both decided we need to finish college and be financially stable before we took that leap. I am aware that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but mine was perfect for me. Unfortunately, I noticed that he began to withdraw from our normal daily life. He stopped wanting to do anything and began sleeping all day long. He lacked happiness no matter what we did, but he continued to tell me how much he loved me multiple times a day. I genuinely thought it was just a rough patch and stress from school until it got really bad. Fast forward to May 2016, when he decided to end our relationship only stating that he was not good enough for me and that I deserve more than he feels like he could ever give me, but again, stated that he still loved me and always will. During this time, I had found out that he dropped out of college after his freshman year due to financial troubles and yet he created a fake life to keep everyone, including me, to believe he was attending college for the last 2 years, when in reality, he was not. This went as far as him creating fake schedules to give me and using social media to showcase him studying/ working on group projects. For quite sometime, he denied everything, but then later admitted that he thought I would leave him if he knew he couldn't afford college. (I come from a healthy middle class family and he comes from a very abusive, dysfunctional, poverty stricken family). He just kept saying he was "working on things" and that he was going to get the help he needed so he could give us a healthier relationship. After about 2 months of not speaking, he reached out to me on day and told me that he had gotten the help he needed and that he was ready to pick up where we left off and build a wonderful future. This lasted for about a week until he detached from the relationship again, only to come back 2 weeks later. At that point we kept in constant contact but he kept saying he isn't ready for a relationship and this would bounce from "You are my entire world and I love you more than life" to "I don't know if I can be more than friends with you." He is overcome with sever guilt after lying to my family and I for multiple years, stealing money, and giving away our dog and says he will never allow himself to love me like he used to because he loves me enough to never want to hurt me again. He often times tells me how worthless he believes himself to be as well. Things got rough when he learned that I had a very innocent relationship with someone else and he kept saying "you left me... .you gave up on me." He has moved from friend group to friend group and has a hard time being alone, but he doesn't spend much time with me in hopes to not get too attached again. He also can not hold down a steady job, always constantly quitting or potentially getting fired. He has no motivation to do anything other than hangout with his friends to keep himself busy and often times uses alcohol to mask his depression and anxiety. There have been a few instances where his life was at risk due to alcohol, though this has cut down since I have been in his life again. It seems to be that I am his strength, but also a trigger point for him. He will get very angry and try to make me jealous if he thinks I am no longer going to be there for him, but has told me he wants me happy because that's how much he loves me. It hurts him when I create relationships with my friends and spend a lot of time with them, even though he refuses to hangout with me, but when we do, it's just like the relationship never ended. He has never been mentally, physically, or verbally abusive to me in any way. He used to worship the ground I walked on. There are spurts where he is the person I fell so in love with, but most of the time it's like his soul is gone and it's just his body. It's so draining because he could love me one day and want nothing to do with me other days and I never know until the first text I send out. He recognizes he needs help and encourages me to be patient with him, but it has been about 9 months now and not too much has changed. I have read so many stories where people with BPD have managed their symptoms and lead very healthy lives and I have heard horror stories. What I want to know is there any hope for a healthy relationship down the line when he gets help? Or is it in my best interest to wish him well and completely remove myself from the relationship? Or should I continue to be a support system, but recognize that there will probably never be a romantic relationship again? First and foremost, his health and safety is number one. Desperately seeking advice. Thank you in advance!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Winsron26,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. There is hope.

It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

I have read so many stories where people with BPD have managed their symptoms and lead very healthy lives and I have heard horror stories. What I want to know is there any hope for a healthy relationship down the line when he gets help? Or is it in my best interest to wish him well and completely remove myself from the relationship? Or should I continue to be a support system, but recognize that there will probably never be a romantic relationship again?

We can't tell you what to do or how the future is going to unfold, but we can certainly help you.

Have you thought about the possibility that he may never get help for BPD? I think that's a common trap for non's, I can relate with that. I kept hoping that my ex would see how she acted and reacted to other and support I and hoped that she would change but I minimized the severity of her mental illness, BPD is a serious mental illness.

There's a lot of pain, distress and frustration attached to hoping that our pwBPD over coming a lifelong metal illness. Now, i'm not trying to discredit people that have worked very hard overcoming BPD, some people do recover from BPD. As you have pointed out some pwBPD are high function or low functioning, there are 14 million people in the US with BPD, they're all are different people, with different BPD traits and severity of the disorder. That being said, everyone has different levels of self awareness, some people have almost no self awareness while other have have lot, I think that you'd have to be aware that there's something off inside and then you'd have to be motivated to change that, some people don't like change at all.

It doesn't mean that we have to like that our pwBPD may never chnage but we can let go of a lot of suffering by not fighting against reality or hoping that our pwBPD will be different but by accepting reality as it is and accepting them as they are. Radical acceptance can be a powerful tool. We can't tell you how to get there because radical acceptance is different for everyone, here's a link on radical acceptance. I hope that helps.

lRadical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)‎