Just learned about BPD, daughter and wife

[zenolith]

I have been married to the same woman since I was 25, now I am 45 and have just learned that my daughter, and almost certainly my wife, have BPD. My 15 year old daughter is in treatment and has just had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder changed to BPD. During therapy with my wife and daughter, the discussions about BPD, as well as my reading about it, have me convinced that my wife has always suffered with functioning BPD.

I am a pretty confident person, and have sought help for chronic stress, so I deal with this ok, sometimes, but I really struggle with sadness and regret for what I have seen happening to my daughters. My eldest is 18 and very emotionally dependent on her boyfriend (who only wants to smoke weed). My 15 year old is in really bad shape. She and her mother are like buddies and are very deceptive together. At the same time, my wife explodes if I don't back her up when this daughter acts out in a way my wife doesn't like. My little girl has been cutting, attempts suicide and claims that I am her whole problem. My wife says the same, that I am the problem.

The most difficult behavior (from both of them) is the denying things they said or did, or twisting or fabricating things I have said or done. Splitting is really awful too (just learned about it here). My wife often encourages me to do something and then attacks me for doing it days, weeks or months later. She saves up my "crimes" and lists them in detail when she is mad. Then she will change (this often takes a week or so) and be nice. She usually tells me she took an antidepressant and now feels fine, but it's just a reprieve, it always happens again.

I'm rambling, but just wanted to get some of this out and hopefully hear something helpful from someone out there who has dealt with this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

i zenolith,


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I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. I can see how it would feel lonely for you in your family when your family members suffer from BPD . It's difficult to convey the behaviors with friends and family and feel like they hear you. I'm glad that you decided to join us, many of our members can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You're not alone.

‎The most difficult behavior (from both of them) is the denying things they said or did, or twisting or fabricating things I have said or done.

I'm not sure if what I'm going to say is going reflect how you feel, I found it really confusing when my exuBPDw would deny, alter or accuse because there was always a shred of truth attached to her dissociation that i'd second doubt myself, at one point I started thinking that i'm going crazy.

You've checked splitting, i'd suggest checking into dissociation, a pwBPD will alter reality to match their out of place feelings.

My wife often encourages me to do something and then attacks me for doing it days, weeks or months later. She saves up my "crimes" and lists them in detail when she is mad.

It's difficult to problem solve with a pwBPD, feelings = facts to a pwBPD and feelings are followed by facts for non's. We don't need to explain ourselves to others and what can help with ‎minimizing conflict is to not JADE, don't justify, argue, defend or explain. My exBPDw may believe that the sky is red, so be it, here reality is as real to her as our reality is to us, so be it, I won't JADE and when I stopped arguing with her things improved.

‎Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain) ‎

What is your support network like in real life? Do you have a non-judgmental friend or family member that you can confide in? Are you seeing a T? Are you taking care of yourself?

PS You'll find the lessons to the right side of the board  
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[zenolith]

Thanks for your reply. The acronym, JADE, has helped me already!

I wonder if anyone has advice on the issue of keeping personal time from being yet another perceived slight to the BPD wife? I relive stress with intense physical activity and extreme sports. Quiet time helps some, but adrenaline is the only thing that can fully clear my head and make me love life again after a big blow up.

The problem is that my wife complains when I go do these things and says, "You hate me and I have no part in your life." Or she will be spiteful and give me the silent treatment for a whole week before I go on a weekend trip. I have invited her along on very mellow outings, but she gets anxious and ruins the fun with pouting (embarrassing for me) or will become cold and rude with the group. I try to keep her away from my friends because she acts jealous and mean, which is so humiliating.

It's getting to the point where I sometimes need more 'recharging' time than she can withstand and it becomes a vicious cycle of me leaving, her being angry and sad about it, me leaving again... .

[Mutt]

I do strength training and it boosts my mood, alleviates stress and it's time to myself without intrusions. I can see why you'd want to get some advise, I'd pose the same question with the stayers on the improving board, they should be able to help you out  

Improving a Relationship With a Borderline Partner