Hi SoImNotAlone,
You are NOT alone. My husband and I are undergoing some struggles. I think he has more NPD traits and codependency than BPD, but many of the issues are similar. I, too, am not currently willing to abandon our relationship of a couple decades when I see the pain and hardshiop he hides under his tough exterior. Our kids are also a factor in wanting to stay together.
Without knowing anything about your situation, here are a few thoughts that have been helping me:
- Make sure you get support. My therapist has been great support. Not only has she helped me identufy where I have bene enabling, but helps me practice settting boundaries, determine what are healthy boundaries, and helps me find and deal with beliefs I have that are preventing me from maintaining my boundaries. Having friends I can off-load to (and this board!) helps as well, because expressing aything to my partner about how I feel about our relationship is usually not beneficial and creates backlash.
- Know that as you get better, it will get both better and worse. Nothing changed at all until I started stepping out of the codependency/enabling dance. Once I started that process, I encountered both resistance from my family amd a surprising willingness from my partner to start working on his own stuff. It is HARD to continue healing and improving in this situation, which is why support is crucial.
- Look through the tools on this site. There are a lot of great videos and articles on this site that help with basic relationship skills I never learned growing up (it seems that my mom may be BPD and my dad has at least NPD traits). I am trying to study and implement them one at a time.
No, you aren't alone, and yes, what you are trying to do is very challening.
