Email from sister

[AnnieOz]

Hi, thankful to have a place to get insight, or, at the very least, contact with people who understand. 

My sister has exhibited signs of BPI as long as I can remember.  Things finally got bad enough with my parents that I was prompted to do some research; when I read about BPD it fit her to a T. 

I recently received an email from her in which she said I didn't care, I don't call back soon enough, and/or she never hears from me.  (I may not always call back within 24 hours, but she has no basis for the other things, although they may seem true to her) 

She said if we can't have a "normal, regular sisterly relationship" she doesn't want one at all.  I don't know what she means by that, and know if I ask her answer will be filled with blame and anger.  She said to email back or if I don't want a relationship to not reply (she never hears from me anyway, that sort of thing).  I sent an brief email saying I had a medical situation (true) and was not able to reply at that time, but that I would as soon as I could. 

Sadly, at one point this would have been a dream come true.  After all the years of her anger, blame, rage and self victimization it would be such a relief to have her out of my life.  The problem is that she has an important family heirloom in her possession she has agreed to give to me.  (I would like to have it to make sure it stays in the family.)  We live in different states, so it's not like I can just pop over and get it, and it's too big and has too much sentimental value to risk shipping.  I know it's not right to pretend to want a relationship just to get the item, and it feels odd to write her about the item without resolving the relationship.  I could write her and say I hope she doesn't go back on her word to give me the item and then hope for the best.   I thought about having someone go pick up the item for me, but  I don't think I want to put anyone in that position. 
Neither of us have any children and the only other relative we have is an elderly aunt who lives in another state.  She is single, has one friend who will not want to be involved and doesn't know any of my friends. 
My husband has said if need be we will jump on a plane, rent a vehicle, get the item and drive home. 
I'm 57 and she is 68. 

Any suggestions on what to do are welcome.

[AnnieOz]

In reading this I realized most of my focus was on the family heirloom. 
Although I haven't had much of a desire for a relationship with her, something is stopping me from ending it.  At first I thought it was because of the family heirloom, but now I'm not so sure... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome AnnieOz:  
I'm sorry about your sister and the current problem you have with her.  I hear that you want the heirloom, but you aren't sure you want to continue a relationship with your sister.
 

She said if we can't have a "normal, regular sisterly relationship" she doesn't want one at all.  I don't know what she means by that, and know if I ask her answer will be filled with blame and anger

Unfortunately, her "normal" won't likely match your "normal"
 

She said to email back or if I don't want a relationship to not reply (she never hears from me anyway, that sort of thing).  I sent an brief email saying I had a medical situation (true) and was not able to reply at that time, but that I would as soon as I could. . .  Although I haven't had much of a desire for a relationship with her, something is stopping me from ending it.  At first I thought it was because of the family heirloom, but now I'm not so sure... .
 

You don't have to make a final decision right now.  Level of contact is a personal decision. Some people move back and forth, between limited contact (LC) and no contact (NC). We can't stereotype anyone's behavior (BPD or not).  :)o you think if you pulled up to your sister's house with a truck, that she would let you in to pick up the heirloom (if the current choice is to sever all further contact?)

Have you drafted a possible response?  Whether you send it or not, it can be therapeutic to write out a draft of a response.  I was coached to use "I" Statement.  One way to soften things you want to relay to your sister is to present them with "I" statements:

Here is a sample template:

Situation 1:Enter whatever may apply to a situation.  One example would be name calling.
Feeling: I feel ________
When You or When: ______________
Because: ____________________________
Sample Statement:  I feel angry and frustrated when you call me a name, because it only causes harm and doesn't resolve anything.

Do you think you will feel guilty, if you make an effort to salvage a relationship with your sister right now, in view of the heirloom  situation?

[AnnieOz]

Thank you for your response. 

Agree, her normal and mine are likely two different things.  Initially I thought I would ask what her definition is, but realized it will probably be everything I'm not or am doing.  So I'm not going to ask her that. 

I never really considered that I don't have to make a decision right now, but that's true.  Takes some of the pressure off. 

I'm thinking I might email her and say something like anything that bothered her was not intentional on my part (I'll say it better). 
Then I'll tell her my husband and I are going to be in the area in the next month or so and are wondering what a good time to pick up the trunk (heirloom) is.  I'm not going to ask about picking it up, she did agree, and I'm going with that.  Maybe I'm naïve, but it was so clear when we talked that I was going to get it I think she will recognize that and not try to fight it. 

She is moving out of the country so I need to make sure I get out there before she leaves.  Her house may take a while to sell, but I don't want to take any chances. 

I may feel guilty -- I'm hoping if I get the trunk I might be able to think clearer about whether or not I want to salvage the relationship. 
I can't help thinking that even if the relationship is salvaged now, it will only be a matter of time until this happens again.  Sometimes I feel like I'm Charlie Brown and Lucy is holding the football.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey AnnieOz    
 

Agree, her normal and mine are likely two different things.  Initially I thought I would ask what her definition is, but realized it will probably be everything I'm not or am doing.  So I'm not going to ask her that.  

Sounds like a good decision  

I never really considered that I don't have to make a decision right now, but that's true.  Takes some of the pressure off.

It feels good to take the pressure off. If she is moving out of the Country, you will likely have lower contact because of that situation.

I'm thinking I might email her and say something like anything that bothered her was not intentional on my part (I'll say it better).  

Using some VALIDATION could be helpful.  Validation isn't about agreeing with someone, but acknowledging their feelings.  
 

I can't help thinking that even if the relationship is salvaged now, it will only be a matter of time until this happens again.  Sometimes I feel like I'm Charlie Brown and Lucy is holding the football.

Take it a step at a time.  It should be a more comfortable situation to try and make up, before you visit to pick up the heirloom.  At least, if you can smooth things over and look at things as work in progress.

Try not to worry too much about the end result.   You could evolve to very LC or NC, after she moves.  I think you would appreciate a low conflict situation, when you pick up the heirloom.

Try not to worry too much about the end result.

[AnnieOz]

I've realized I probably should have posted the actual email and my initial response in the first place, might make it easier.  So, here you go: 


Sister's email
I have thought long and hard as to what to do so I have decided, in my best interest, to write my thoughts.Life here is making me, literally, sick both mentally and physically so I have tried to find a way to get back to Germany.But,seeing is that you do not care, this is about us and not what I do. I have tried so many years to get close to you and the folks without success . They are tgone so I have decided, for my health and well-being to tell you this:
If we cannot have a sort of "regular or normal" sisterly relationship then I do not want one at all. You need not call or anything until you decide what you want. If I do not hear from you, I will know what you want. I never hear anyway, you never return calls until YOU want to.
I wish you and John all the best.

My response:
I'm sorry to hear you aren't doing well.  I'm sure living in a country you despise is hard, and recent events probably haven't helped. 
 
In the last week I've had a medical setback and am not able to respond to your email as I would like, but I did want to write and let you know I will write again as soon as I can. 
 
Thanks for reading this; I'll write again as soon as possible. 

-------------------------
The medical setback I referred to was in reference to a serious auto-immune disease I was diagnosed with a few months ago.  I've been working with my doc on finding effective treatment; just prior to her email I heard from the doc that medication I was on did not seem to be working and we would be trying something else.  In addition, the pain was ramping up again.  Previously I had no idea what chronic pain can do to one's mind, but holy cow. 
I did tell my sister in one of the last phone calls I made to her about the diagnosis. 

I do think I'm focusing too much on the end result and wanting to know what's going to happen now (control issues much?).

Perhaps I should focus on smoothing things out for now so it will be less stress for everyone involved when we do have contact. 

Ok, now how do I smooth things out?  

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey AnnieOz:

Thanks for sharing the emails. It can be hard to decide how you feel about anyone who has treated you badly.  It can be hard to move past anger and sometime hate, and to progress to a point of forgiveness in our heart.  It's okay, if you are still reconciling your feelings.  It could be helpful for you to check out the Survivors Guide, to the right of this post.

I'm thinking it might help to share a little more with your sister about your auto-Immune situation, and add some validation.  If you can add some level of positive feelings (i.e. I care for you, I love you, etc), that could be a positive.   

SAMPLE OF POSSIBLE COMMENTS TO MAKE IN AN EMAIL:
I'm sorry if my last email response may have seemed distant to you.  I was so overwhelmed with my auto-immune condition, I retreated into my shell.  (Share some details of your auto immune condition and what you went through to get things stable )  Perhaps, I should have shared my struggle with you, but I didn't want to burden you with my troubles, as I know you have your own struggles to deal with.

I care about you and I really want to visit you, before you move.  I'd love to take you out to your favorite restaurant for dinner.  We can pick up the heirloom, during our visit, and get it out of your way.  Preparing to move and sell your house has to be stressful.

When can we come visit you? 

Again, I do (care about you, love you, want a relationship with you, etc.)

END SAMPLE

I think she needs some level of warmth.  What can you offer in that regard?  Can you say that you want to work out a relationship?  Can you say you care for her or love her?  Since she is moving, this could be your last ditch effort to set the stage for the future, after you sister moves.  I think you are willing to accept a future outcome of NC, but if you genuinely try for one last effort for a better outcome, then you might feel better about a possible future of NC.

[AnnieOz]

Do I understand correctly that my email response sounded distant?  That's good feedback because I didn't think that at all. 
"It can be hard to decide how you feel about anyone who has treated you badly".  Exactly!

I need to make sure I'm coming from the right place --  not a place of stubbornness -- it's so easy to recall all the abuse and hateful treatment.  When I consider it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her and her condition it's easier to process.  I don't think she is happy and I've only known of a short window of time when she was.  It must be terrible to always be so unhappy and unsettled.   

I'm not able to tell her I love her; I'll think about saying I care about her.  Maybe I really need to work on forgiveness before my next response. 

It is helping to process through writing, both this and otherwise, and I appreciate your feedback. 

[AnnieOz]

And you are correct, this might be a last ditch effort. 
I think I would feel better in the future if I knew I had done everything possible. 

[AnnieOz]

As you can tell from her email, she believes (on some level) that I am to blame for any problems in the relationship.  If she continues with the blame I don't feel comfortable agreeing because it wouldn't be sincere (or accurate).   I can respond generally that neither one of us is perfect and all we can do is look forward.  She is like a dog with a bone when it comes to blame though. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

As you can tell from her email, she believes (on some level) that I am to blame for any problems in the relationship.  If she continues with the blame I don't feel comfortable agreeing because it wouldn't be sincere (or accurate).   I can respond generally that neither one of us is perfect and all we can do is look forward.  She is like a dog with a bone when it comes to blame though.  

Validation isn't about agreeing.  You don't want to validate the invalid.  Validation is just acknowledging someone's feelings. i.e.  "I can understand how you might feel abandoned".  It doesn't mean that you agree that the feelings are justified, just that you acknowledge them. For a person with BPD, feelings are reality to them.

You aren't going to change her,  all you can do is change the way you interact with her and react to her.  Commenting that, "neither of us is perfect", will likely set her off.  The harsh reality is that when you are dealing with someone with BPD or BPD traits, you aren't likely to be on even footing when it comes to emotional intelligence.  

If there is a specific issue that you have to deal with, then you deal with the issue (i.e. name calling, getting too physically close in a moment of rage (appearing to be ready to hit you, etc.).  After an episode with  my sister, during her emotional dysregulation, she called me an "F"ing "B" and rushed towards me - appearing as if she could easily hit me.  Her come back to me a few days later was, "well, you aren't perfect either".  It wasn't productive, in any way. It was invalidating to me at the time.  Had I said that to my sister, I know the outcome wouldn't have been pleasant.

Below are links on Validation, from various perspectives.  The most important thing is to not invalidate.  

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

VALIDATION - LEVELS OF VALIDATION

[Fie]

Hello AnnieOz 


NN gave you some good insights ! 
I think you are right and once you will have gotten the heirloom you will see more clearly to which degree you still want a relationship with your sister.

I understand you cannot tell her that you love her. You said you'd think about saying you care about her. How about saying you care about your relationship with her ? Maybe this sounds more authentic to you ?

[AnnieOz]

Yes, Fie, care about the relationship sounds more authentic. 
Much better.

[AnnieOz]

Yes, I definitely see now that saying neither of us is perfect is NOT the thing to say. 

I feel a sense of stubbornness and maybe hypersensitivity when it comes to the blame thing.  (I see where validating is not the same as accepting blame, but acknowledging her feelings with no negative judgment).

I spent a lot of time in the past tiptoeing around her.  I even started to do it in this instance, and caught myself.  But maybe I need another perspective on this too: 
Long story not as long:  My mother met a wonderful woman who became like family  The woman's 3 kids called my mother grandma.  They were wonderful to mom.  Sister was overseas at the time but mom told her about Lee in general correspondence.  When sister got home she got with Lee and told her that now that she (sister) was back Lee could back off her relationship with mom.  This didn't happen.    It didn't help my sister that mom paid for the 3 kids college (she could well afford it).  Mom asked me (prior) what I thought about her doing it, and I told her I thought it was great.  Sister didn't find out until mom died.  Now that I know more about BPD I realize Lee was a tremendous threat to sister.  Also, it couldn't have felt good finding out something like that in that way, but it was my mom's business and she could tell or not tell who she wanted.  She was afraid of sister because of her level of anger.  Fortunately no physical abuse happened. 
Anyway, fast forward to present day.  When we travel to area where sister lives (not often) we usually stay with Lee.  This is for several reasons -- my husband does not like my sister, I don't like my sister and the bathroom situation isn't very comfortable. I stayed (with a friend)  at sister's house a couple of years ago, but not since then. 
ANYWAY I found myself thinking I wouldn't tell sister where we were staying, even to the point of saying we were going to drive back that day or something. First, that's dishonest, and second, I got mad at myself thinking I'm a grown woman and I can stay where I want.  Sister's house is for sale and she is living in a rental, so it probably wouldn't work to stay with her anyway.  If we stayed with anyone else but Lee it wouldn't be as bad for her, but there isn't anyone else but Lee to stay with in the area. 

Like you said, NN, I could ask when a good time to come is, offer to take her to dinner, and talk about picking up the trunk.  If she asks, I'll be honest about where we are staying  (in a nice way, no emotion). 

Sorry to hear about your sister, sounds like a bad situation. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

 AnnieOz: 

Is it possible for you to stay at a hotel, motel or B&B?

Let us know how things go with the email. 

[AnnieOz]

I never thought about that. Hmmmm

[AnnieOz]

Reading all the info on validation before I do anything. 

[Fie]

But maybe you like staying at Lee's ?
If your sister asked you before you've got the heirloom where you are going to stay, you can always tell her you are considering a hotel (which is not a lie).

[AnnieOz]

Yes, we love staying there.  So comfortable and she is a great cook!  Also, money is a bit of an issue if we were to get a hotel. 
I'm trying to get a balance between wanting to be thoughtful of my sister yet not compromise myself either.  I can think logically that the mental illness is speaking, but then being on the receiving end of her rage, well, it's hard not to take personally.  I am getting better at not taking it personally,  though. 
Boundaries were not used for many years in our family.  Our parents (and myself) did not know how to deal with her.  Now it's like if you let a child get away with things and then try to create a boundary. 
Sigh. 
 

[Charlie3236]

To be honest if she's anything like my BPD little sis, the last thing I would EVER do is mention something that means a lot to you that she has that you want... .I.e. A way for her to control your emotions in some way. I don't know the ins and outs of your particular situation, and they are all different... .But if it were me I wouldn't mention it until the second I was ready to take it. Don't give her time to formulate some plan to use this to torment you further. Just my opinion! Good luck to you!

[AnnieOz]

Charlie3236 yes, on one hand that might be a problem. On the other, when she is confronted with things she has clearly said (like in this case) she will usually go with the original agreement. The agreement has to be very specific, of course, or she will twist it.  What she does a lot is play the victim, so it's quite possible she may throw open her door and say here, take what you want.  Or she could put the one item on the front porch and not answer the door. 
It would be easier if we lived closer, but we are an 8 hour car ride away.