Don't exactly know how to proceed

[Pelican Tharsis]

I am having a hard time in my marriage. My wife has BPD and we constantly argue. I am currently seeing a therapist because I Can't tell if the problems are really my problems or if they are her problems. I know I am not perfect. I have low self esteem and self confidence issues, but I am always the only person in our marriage that ends the argument and tries to make peace. I have done so much to demonstrate my commitment to her. She is on all my accounts and retirement, while I am on none of hers. I have always given money and offered her support in any way, but i never get the same in return. She is a very well paid programmer, but i shoulder the bulk of our finances. I am so drained and beyond my limits. And my fear is that when I try to help myself then my wife will overstep the boundaries of our marriage. I am not sure, but I wonder if she has narcissistic traits as well because every time I try to explain how I feel, then I am completely ignored or dismissed and it becomes my problems. The only time I have any real reaction or result from her is when I lose my temper, then I am the bad guy, all the time!  Which, I know there is no excuse for losing my temper, but I feel so manipulated and dominated. I have never felt so lonely and traumatized in my life and I am a combat veteran! I need help and advice. I don't know if it will ever change or if it will ever get better.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Pelican Tharsis, 



I'd like to welcome you to BPDFAMILY. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through difficulties. A pwBPD know how to push our buttons and will push every one of them, don't be hard on yourself. Think of it this way, we're not skilled professionals in personality disorders, a professional may deal with a pwBPD a few hours a week whereas we have to deal with it 24 / 7/ 365.

I can see how frustrating that would feel when you're the one that's trying to make the peace and your wife is trying to break boundaries. Your website has social impairments and it is up to the non to coach and lead, you can try a different approach. You don't have to emotionally rescue your wife, you can let solve some o her own problems, BPD is a persecution complex and the person believes that their circumstances are cause externally by others and through their own choices and actions.

For example, your wife will cast herself as victim almost always and will cast you as persecutor and sometimes rescuer, remove yourself from this dynamic by not participating in it, and it will reduce the emotional distress for you by stopping the drama.

It helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You'll find that you'll fit right in here, you're not alone.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist‎


PS The lessons on this board is on the far right margin ----------------->