My marriage is failing

[Married2Many]

Family, I need your help. I (23) have been with the love of my life (26) for almost three years. We have been married a year and have known each other for ten years. Things haven't been great recently. He's become rude, distant, verbally abusive and just... .not like himself at all.

He has ADHD, depression, and undiagnosed BPD and I suffer from PTSD and anxiety. with this mental issues come great struggles. But this is to the point where I need to reach out. When we are talking on the phone while he or myself is at work, it's fine. Once we are together, that's when things get messy.  

For example, today he asked about a co-worker who lived near us giving me a ride home. Now, I have only been at this job for a few days, so I don't know anyone very well. Keep that in mind.

Him: Can she give you a ride?
Me: She doesn't have gas.
Him: You have money you can give her. Why doesn't she have gas?
Me: I do, and. I can ask her for a ride. I don't know why she doesn't have gas. I don't know her life story.
Him: Did she spend all her money? Does she use it all on her husband?
Me: I don't know.
Him: Why don't you know?
Me: (clearly frustrated) Why are you asking a stupid question that doesn't matter?
 
After that, he proceeds to say I am mean because I called his question stupid and that I am getting mad at him for no reason. I drop it and just go back to work since my break ended. Things stay weird and distant. He "jokingly" says I am mean and an a*shole. This is one thing I BEG him not to do. Name calling is very triggering to me. He never listens.

Fast forward to when we got home. He asks if I can cook him something. I agree, but the gas stove isn't lighting. He tells me to use a match to help light it. I do, and burn myself. I asked for his help at that point and he very commonly decides "he's not hungry anymore." Here's the last conversation we had.

Him: I'm not hungry, forget it.
Me: All I am asking is that you light the stove for me.
Him: What kind of f-ing idiot burns themselves?
Me: Please, stop the name calling.
Him: (proceeds to call me things like dumb bi*tch, c*nt, ect)
Me: ... .Nevermind. Goodnight.
Him: Good. You can't deal with verbal abuse, you f-ing p*ssy?

When I asked him about why he treated me like that over text while he's in the other room, he just says "cuz u wild, child."

I don't get it. Please believe me when I say this is not my husband. This is not the person I fell in love with. This isn't the first time he just verbally triggers me knowing that he's doing it, either. Is it the BPD? He just shifts in tone, the way he speaks. It's like a completely different person. Bringing up the issue either makes him laugh it off or ignore it.

Have any of you experienced the same thing? How do I even begin to save the relationship?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Married2Many,



I'm sorry to hear about this change in behavior from your husband. That is understandably upsetting. I know in your shoes, I'd feel confused and anxious.    I'm glad you reached out, because the members here can relate to what you are going through. You are not alone.

Also, the tools here can really make a difference in your relationship. I encourage you to take time to read all you can on BPD and communication skills. It really helps to get an overview. And even if your husband doesn't fall under the diagnostic criteria of BPD (only a professional can diagnose), the tools you learn here will help in your relationship. In fact, they will help in all your relationships, from family to friends to colleagues.

What kind of treatment are you (both) getting right now? Do you have understanding friends and family whom you can lean on if you need support?

Here is an article on one of the many communication skills available to bring more harmony into your interactions. Perhaps you are already using a form of it? :

Communication Skills: Validation

Keep posting and let us know how we can best support you. 

heartandwhole

[Lockjaw]

I am sorry but there is no excuse for him to call you things like that. My ex wife and my GF both had hubs that called them names like that. It's very hurtful.

I have been divorced twice. My first wife cheated, and we were not unhappy. Not done. You know? That one hurt. My second wife was a very bad decision on my part. We were done for a long time before she left. I had shut down, turned myself off, and was on meds that made me basically numb.

I lost over 7 years of my life with her. I am 50 now.

I say this to give you something to think about. If this is the best its going to be, maybe you need to consider your options, you are young, and you have a lot of life ahead of you. I would hate for you to wake up at 50, like I have, and realize you lost a bunch of years that you can never get back.

If you can get him to see a therapist with you, that would be a good start.

If you decide to leave, spend some time with a good therapist, get your self esteem restored to where you are confident in yourself, and then you will be ready for a relationship.

Good luck to you.