Premeditated destruction...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well, after first mediation and legal visits it looks like uNPD/BPDstbexw knew what she was doing.  She came in so smug, tight dress and all her ducks in a row. She never put me on her house, I put her on mine, paid off her preexisting debt with my equity (her idea), she made all her payments out of a separate account to make sure she never commingled funds, etc. etc. and after ONLY 2.5 years together I have no claim to equity in her house, I've paid off her preexisting debt and she could get 50% of 12 YEARS of equity I've built in my house. She also making other financial claims etc. all of which could leave me and my boys and she threatened early on, ":)on't push me or I'll take everything and make sure you end up crawling into and apartment scraping together the last of your pennies... ."

I thought it was bad... .but this isn't anything like I thought it could be... .it had to be premeditated as she had to do so many things just right to have all of these things fall into place... .our mediator is a retired family court judge and like he said, just because it's legally right doesn't make it morally right... .

I was so happy to get away from this woman when I finally said no to the abuse and now this... .it all seems like a horrible dream... .something out of a movie about a sociopath... .and to think all I wanted to do was help her and her children and now I have been smeared beyond belief in my community and stand to end up destitute... .after 48 years on this planet to think it only took 2.5 years to ruin my life... .

NS

[NewStart]

Well, after first mediation and legal visits it looks like uNPD/BPDstbexw knew what she was doing.  She came in so smug, tight dress and all her ducks in a row. She never put me on her house, I put her on mine, paid off her preexisting debt with my equity (her idea), she made all her payments out of a separate account to make sure she never commingled funds, etc. etc. and after ONLY 2.5 years together I have no claim to equity in her house, I've paid off her preexisting debt and she could get 50% of 12 YEARS of equity I've built in my house. She also making other financial claims etc. all of which could leave me and my boys and she threatened early on, ":)on't push me or I'll take everything and make sure you end up crawling into and apartment scraping together the last of your pennies... ."

I thought it was bad... .but this isn't anything like I thought it could be... .it had to be premeditated as she had to do so many things just right to have all of these things fall into place... .our mediator is a retired family court judge and like he said, just because it's legally right doesn't make it morally right... .

I was so happy to get away from this woman when I finally said no to the abuse and now this... .it all seems like a horrible dream... .something out of a movie about a sociopath... .and to think all I wanted to do was help her and her children and now I have been smeared beyond belief in my community and stand to end up destitute... .after 48 years on this planet to think it only took 2.5 years to ruin my life... .

NS

[LilMe]

NewStart,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am coming out of a similar situation. I gave up my home, a successful business, everything I own but a few of my clothes, and even my children. I loved him. I trusted him. He knew exactly what he was doing. It ended in him crushing me in court a week before Christmas. I also had the flu on court day and felt like I was dying.  I turned 50 last week.

Life goes on. I now live in a crappy rental house and am working as a waitress. But I am starting to have peace and am rebuilding my life with my children. I have learned hard life lessons and am learning my part in this happening. It will not happen again.

You are good and strong and you can come out of this stronger and wiser, NewStart. Sadly, many of us can relate and have been in situations similar to yours. Keep posting and know that we are here for you. 

[NewStart]

Sorry to here about your situation LilMe, kind of make mine pail in comparison.

For me the financial piece is hard as I've worked so many years to just hand it away to what amounts to a crook, but what is maybe even harder is the fact that she's turned so many of my neighbors and community against me... .I'm so confused right now because I don't know what I did wrong... .to think of all of the things that she has said and done and in the end, I end up the bad guy who deserves to lose everything. 

Just have to keep my chin up as it's not over yet, who knows maybe in the end I will keep a little more that I think and will be able to rebuild myself in the community... .I said I wasn't going to go here, but I REALLY hope she repeats this again so I truly know that it wasn't just me.

Things will get better for you LilMe, time is the key!

NS

[LilMe]

Thanks NS,

I know what you mean about turning people against you.  In some ways that is harder than the rages and abuse.  My uBPD has done the same.  We live is a small community so it is extremely painful.  I am shunned at church.  He used his connections in the legal system against me too.  I have evidence of his rages and abuse and it is all I can do to not make it public, but I will be the bigger person, if it kills me.  He did this to his ex-wife too, but it was 20 years ago and she is now demented and in a nursing home, so no one remembers.

After court I saw the clerk and she apologized and said she had never seen anything like it.  She couldn't believe what had happened in the courtroom.  And she only saw the tip of the iceberg.

And after all this, I still miss him and feel bad for him.  Ugh, I still have a lot of work to do on myself.

Hang in there NS.

[NewStart]

Not sure why LilMe, but feeling super down today... .maybe more than I have in my life... .the other night after she destroyed me in mediation she drew me back in at home that evening... .hugs, kisses, apologies... .just enough to draw me out... .to say I still cared for her etc.  The very next day, she was 10 times worse... .once again played.

Feeling like zero today... .

[LilMe]

We all have good days and bad days.  Some days I think, "Ok, I can do this."  Other days I feel horrible and burst into tears for no reason.

We have children, so I have to interact with my uBPD twice a week or more.  Sometimes he is mean and horrible.  Other times he tells me I am beautiful and he misses me.  We had a period of a few weeks of no contact and I felt so much better.  Hopefully when this is all done you can go no contact and it will help.

Try to find someone you can talk to and/or do something physical like a walk.  It does help.  I couldn't have made it without friends and family to talk me out of my really low places and encourage me.