BPD Mother held me back in school twice wasted years of my life

[ijustwantpeace]

I have come to realize that my mother intentionally sabotaged my school and worked to de-stabilize my life.  She held me back in school twice, destroyed all my confidence and self-esteem and interfered in my life whenever things started to get better. 

I am know I am not the only one had a crazy ass BPD mom sabotage their life, but it does not make the pain go away.  How can someone be so messed up that they would destroy their child the way my mother wrecked me?

So much wasted life due to having weak boundaries and poor interpersonal skills in my own life.  Until a couple years ago I didn't even know what a boundary is.  My life is  so different from people who come from functional families that it is very hard for others to even wrap their head around this illness.  It is like the boggy man, but real.  I can relate to those people who were held captive for 20 years in a torture dungeon.     

How do you even explain the sheer brokenness of this to someone who came from a functional family? 

After discovering at 44 there is nothing wrong with me except being raised by a BPD mother I don't know where to go from here?

[muff]

Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you. I didn't understand what was going on with my mother until I was 49, so you've got me beat there. 

I suspect that maybe you were a scapegoat child for your mother. Did you have a "golden child" sibling? I was a golden child for the first 49 years (only child, actually) but my mother decided my boyfriend at the time would become her preferred golden child, and she relegated me to scapegoat. She then systematically destabilized my life primarily by destabilizing my relationships with my ex-boyfriend and kids. She didn't succeed with my  kids, but did with my ex-boyfriend, who is still her adopted golden child. (She always wanted 9 sons, and got instead, a daughter, so she's happy now.) I think BPD mothers tend to destabilize their scapegoat and promote their golden child because they project themselves onto the golden child and want to be part of the golden child's success.

I can't advise you on how to cope with this kind of thing. I'm still trying to figure that out. But you are among friends, and more importantly than that, friends who "get it." Sending you a virtual hug.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Ijustwantpeace:    

Sounds like you have put some pieces of the puzzle of your past together.  At what ages did your mom hold you back in school?  I can see how that must have made it difficult for you.

Have you looked at the Survivor's Guide in the right margin? What step do you think you are on?

Are you in therapy?  Have you been in a situation recently where you tried to talk to someone about your past?  

[Panda39]

Hi Ijustwantpeace,

You are not alone.  My SO's uBPDxw did something very similar with their older daughter.  At the time they were divorcing mom had primary custody of their 2 daughters and D20 (then age 15) was just entering High School. 

D20 was talked into "Homeschooling" using an on-line school.  This was against the wishes of her father, and the advice of her school principal and teachers.  D20 was the Golden Child who was very enmeshed with her mother and parentified and she was also struggling herself with the divorce of her parents.  So on-line school it was... .but it became the school that never was.  First came a million excuses why D20 couldn't get started... .the school was supposed to supply a laptop (I think this was part of mom's reason for on-line school, a free laptop! Yay!), but the laptop was late getting to them, then it was the laptop arrived but the power cord didn't work, then it was the internet didn't work... .you get the picture.  D20 never did any schoolwork at all.  Dad offered solutions to every "reason" mom gave that D20 couldn't do her schoolwork, mom's sister even offered to have D20 over to her house to study, dad was so upset that he considered reporting his own daughter truant so someone would make her go back to school. D20 lost her entire freshman year at high school... .0.0GPA. 

Some of this was D20's decisions... .you know those not so bright ideas that a 15 year old can have, I mean what kid wouldn't want to miss school and have your parent's permission to do it.  She was also stuggling with the divorce.  But much of what was going on was becoming her mother's caretaker, filling in the void that was left when her dad left, mom playing the victim to the hilt, mom alienating their father to the point of false accusations of child abuse... .lots of dysfunction.  I've often described her mom as both overly indulgent (daughter is in pain because of the divorce she shouldn't have to deal with the stress of school!) or neglectful (not making her daughter go to school) neither of those choices was good for D20. 

After that year the divorce slowly made it's way through the court and to look good mom pushed daughter back to regular school (dad was ultimately awarded Education decision making).  D20 unfortunately then realized that the only person she hurt was herself.  She was behind the eight ball... .would she graduate with her class or would she need an extra year of school? She's a smart girl and hardworking, she graduated on time but that 0.0 really affected her GPA and made her college choices limited.

Then she had the wonderful horrible first semester away at college.  D20 was accepted to a private liberal arts college out east (not remotely close to inexpensive).  D20 was eligible for financial aid and received some small scholarships but was short $30,000 for the year.  Her mom (who did not work and was living off of $1,200 a month alimony) told D20 that she would pay for it from a "Family Trust" D20 really wanted to go away to school, but also knew her mother had issues with money (stealing, borrowing from people and not paying them back, making "business deals" that fell through and a history of being arrested for fraud) so D20 asked for proof of this money and was given proof that she believed to be true, wanted to believe to be true, needed to believe to be true.  Again dad advised against this college adventure with her mother (and because he was supporting everyone he had no way to financially help)but D was 18 now and could legally make her own decisions. 

D20 went out east to school, was successful in her classes, made new friends, was doing everything you should do your first semester away at college.  D20 paid her portion of the tuition with grants, loans and scholarships.  Mom's payment was over due... .promises to pay... .more over due... .more promises.  D20 came home for Christmas and was asked not to return and because she was the student she was now saddled with $15,000 of debt for the unpaid semester.  This is when she virtually stopped talking to her mother.

Dad being smart got D20 looking at local schools that she could afford, he didn't let her sit and feel sorry for herself he got her moving.  She has a year and a half left to go before she graduates from her local state university.

My thoughts on why her mother did these things.  Fear of abandonment (which at the heart of BPD).  Fear when her husband left her that her children would too, her own selfish need put her own needs and anxiety before the needs of her daughter, creating an "us" against dad mentality to keep her enmeshed and codependent.  Later with college trying to be the "hero", the "supermom" that makes her daughter's college dream come true, the supermom that looks like she has it all together when in reality she is a hot mess.

There is no rational reason why her mother did this and there is no rational reason your mother did it to you... .BPD is not rational.  BPD is fear, anxiety and dysfunction. 

As painful as it this is for you the good news is you are becoming aware and once you become aware you can work to correct the things that might not be working well.  I believe you like my SO's D can forge ahead and create a new and better life for yourself. 

I also want to suggest therapy it's a great place to get all of this stuff out (you always have us too) it's a place to learn new ways of doing things, of working through the dysfunctional thoughts or behaviors that you have learned and to learn healthier ways to live and have better relationships. 

I would also encourage you to take a class at your local community college see for yourself how smart you are because I bet you will be successful.  Turn off that inner critic (is it your mother's voice?) and show yourself what you can do.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Turkish]

My mother floated holding me back in 8th grade because I wasn't making straight As, which I should have been according to her. This leaving aside that we were living on a barn with no electricity or indoor plumbing.  Abraham Lincoln educating himself by kerosene Kemp lamp I was not,  sorry.  And this didn't take into account the emotional abuse, nor the smacking. 6 months before I turned 18, we were back in a real house (a cab over camper as a stop over). I moved out on my 18th birthday and never spent another night there. 

What are you doing now on your life for you,  and do you feel that you are your own person apart from someone else expecting you to be someone else?

[ijustwantpeace]

Hey Ijustwantpeace:    

Sounds like you have put some pieces of the puzzle of your past together.  At what ages did your mom hold you back in school?  I can see how that must have made it difficult for you.

Have you looked at the Survivor's Guide in the right margin? What step do you think you are on?

Are you in therapy?  Have you been in a situation recently where you tried to talk to someone about your past?  

It started in Kindergarden then again in the second grade.  Even after getting excelling in math she still held me back.  When ever I would make progress it would trigger her BPD and then she would create cahos.  She was so afriad of loosing me and others that she just f'up my life.  No wonder I told her that after high school I wanted to move to the west coast, start a new life and never let her see my kids.

Time after time she was there to screw up my life.  Got to give her credit for her persistence.  If she had applied all this destructive force to something good who know what the outcome could have been.  I never married and had a terrible time with relationships due to my lack of boundaries and poor interpersonal skills.

I have upgraded my social skills, but at 44 I don't even know what to expect to get out of life.  There were very few periods of stability and no pool of happy memories to draw on.  At times I have hated her guts, but made peace with her.

[ijustwantpeace]

My mother floated holding me back in 8th grade because I wasn't making straight As, which I should have been according to her. This leaving aside that we were living on a barn with no electricity or indoor plumbing.  Abraham Lincoln educating himself by kerosene Kemp lamp I was not,  sorry.  And this didn't take into account the emotional abuse, nor the smacking. 6 months before I turned 18, we were back in a real house (a cab over camper as a stop over). I moved out on my 18th birthday and never spent another night there. 

What are you doing now on your life for you,  and do you feel that you are your own person apart from someone else expecting you to be someone else?

Thanks Turkish!  I still struggle making "selfish" choice that will benefit myself only and not others.  I don't think of mom and have my own personality separate from her.  I just can't deal with her same as my cousin can't deal with his BPD dad.  I am learning to separate my emotions from others and not try to save everyone, but still at working at it.

I just can help everyone anyhow.  Looking forward to peaceful simple life.  Hopefully I will be able to sell my house and buy a cabin in the wood and retire young and enjoy the rest of my life.

It would be nice to find someone special, but could take it or leave it.  Getting too dam old to care about the corporate treadmill.  At my age it is not realistic to work my way up the ladder anyhow.  Best I think I can do is a roof that is paid for and a business of my own.

[ijustwantpeace]

Hi Ijustwantpeace,

You are not alone.  My SO's uBPDxw did something very similar with their older daughter.  At the time they were divorcing mom had primary custody of their 2 daughters and D20 (then age 15) was just entering High School. 

D20 was talked into "Homeschooling" using an on-line school.  This was against the wishes of her father, and the advice of her school principal and teachers.  D20 was the Golden Child who was very enmeshed with her mother and parentified and she was also struggling herself with the divorce of her parents.  So on-line school it was... .but it became the school that never was.  First came a million excuses why D20 couldn't get started... .the school was supposed to supply a laptop (I think this was part of mom's reason for on-line school, a free laptop! Yay!), but the laptop was late getting to them, then it was the laptop arrived but the power cord didn't work, then it was the internet didn't work... .you get the picture.  D20 never did any schoolwork at all.  Dad offered solutions to every "reason" mom gave that D20 couldn't do her schoolwork, mom's sister even offered to have D20 over to her house to study, dad was so upset that he considered reporting his own daughter truant so someone would make her go back to school. D20 lost her entire freshman year at high school... .0.0GPA. 

Some of this was D20's decisions... .you know those not so bright ideas that a 15 year old can have, I mean what kid wouldn't want to miss school and have your parent's permission to do it.  She was also stuggling with the divorce.  But much of what was going on was becoming her mother's caretaker, filling in the void that was left when her dad left, mom playing the victim to the hilt, mom alienating their father to the point of false accusations of child abuse... .lots of dysfunction.  I've often described her mom as both overly indulgent (daughter is in pain because of the divorce she shouldn't have to deal with the stress of school!) or neglectful (not making her daughter go to school) neither of those choices was good for D20. 

After that year the divorce slowly made it's way through the court and to look good mom pushed daughter back to regular school (dad was ultimately awarded Education decision making).  D20 unfortunately then realized that the only person she hurt was herself.  She was behind the eight ball... .would she graduate with her class or would she need an extra year of school? She's a smart girl and hardworking, she graduated on time but that 0.0 really affected her GPA and made her college choices limited.

Then she had the wonderful horrible first semester away at college.  D20 was accepted to a private liberal arts college out east (not remotely close to inexpensive).  D20 was eligible for financial aid and received some small scholarships but was short $30,000 for the year.  Her mom (who did not work and was living off of $1,200 a month alimony) told D20 that she would pay for it from a "Family Trust" D20 really wanted to go away to school, but also knew her mother had issues with money (stealing, borrowing from people and not paying them back, making "business deals" that fell through and a history of being arrested for fraud) so D20 asked for proof of this money and was given proof that she believed to be true, wanted to believe to be true, needed to believe to be true.  Again dad advised against this college adventure with her mother (and because he was supporting everyone he had no way to financially help)but D was 18 now and could legally make her own decisions. 

D20 went out east to school, was successful in her classes, made new friends, was doing everything you should do your first semester away at college.  D20 paid her portion of the tuition with grants, loans and scholarships.  Mom's payment was over due... .promises to pay... .more over due... .more promises.  D20 came home for Christmas and was asked not to return and because she was the student she was now saddled with $15,000 of debt for the unpaid semester.  This is when she virtually stopped talking to her mother.

Dad being smart got D20 looking at local schools that she could afford, he didn't let her sit and feel sorry for herself he got her moving.  She has a year and a half left to go before she graduates from her local state university.

My thoughts on why her mother did these things.  Fear of abandonment (which at the heart of BPD).  Fear when her husband left her that her children would too, her own selfish need put her own needs and anxiety before the needs of her daughter, creating an "us" against dad mentality to keep her enmeshed and codependent.  Later with college trying to be the "hero", the "supermom" that makes her daughter's college dream come true, the supermom that looks like she has it all together when in reality she is a hot mess.

There is no rational reason why her mother did this and there is no rational reason your mother did it to you... .BPD is not rational.  BPD is fear, anxiety and dysfunction. 

As painful as it this is for you the good news is you are becoming aware and once you become aware you can work to correct the things that might not be working well.  I believe you like my SO's D can forge ahead and create a new and better life for yourself. 

I also want to suggest therapy it's a great place to get all of this stuff out (you always have us too) it's a place to learn new ways of doing things, of working through the dysfunctional thoughts or behaviors that you have learned and to learn healthier ways to live and have better relationships. 

I would also encourage you to take a class at your local community college see for yourself how smart you are because I bet you will be successful.  Turn off that inner critic (is it your mother's voice?) and show yourself what you can do.

Take Care,
Panda39

Panda39,

I am working to get situated financially and cut all ties with her.  It is the best decision for me.  Even when she is acting normal I can never trust her.  She lets me down 100% of the time.  There is no stability for anyone around her.  Then when she has her episodes or get "triggered" it can go on for days.  I don't care whose life she screws up anymore just so long it is not mine.

I wish I had trusted my instincts when I was 18 or 19 moved away and never talked to her again.  Most successful people I know ditch their families if relations are not optimal.  I only have people in my life that add to my life now that is it.

I wish someone would write a book about mothers that do this stuff.  I had to parent my mother and provide for all her emotional needs too.  It really screwed me up for women.  I did not know how to have normal healthy interactions, or how to deal with female emotions.  I know now that my mothers emotions are not normal and not all emotions are bad.

Still I am smart enough to spot a BPD woman a mile away.  If on your first encounter there is massive oversharing that is a good indicator that they at least have some BPD traits.

[ijustwantpeace]

Hey Ijustwantpeace:    

Sounds like you have put some pieces of the puzzle of your past together.  At what ages did your mom hold you back in school?  I can see how that must have made it difficult for you.

Have you looked at the Survivor's Guide in the right margin? What step do you think you are on?

Are you in therapy?  Have you been in a situation recently where you tried to talk to someone about your past?  

Step 13  I accept that I have the right to be who I want to be and live the life I want to live.

[Panda39]

Step 13  I accept that I have the right to be who I want to be and live the life I want to live.

YES! 

Panda39,

I am working to get situated financially and cut all ties with her.  It is the best decision for me.  Even when she is acting normal I can never trust her.  She lets me down 100% of the time.  There is no stability for anyone around her.  Then when she has her episodes or get "triggered" it can go on for days.  I don't care whose life she screws up anymore just so long it is not mine.

My SO's D20 will occasionally respond to an email from her mom, that's it.  Her mother putting her $15,000 in debt was her deal breaker.  The other D15 still talks with her on the phone.  She rarely sees her mom either (D15 has her own story). With help from her dad and a therapist she now understands that her mom is mentally ill, she is more wary about all of those fantastic promises, and she is better able to set boundaries.  Even with these boundaries their mother can still occasionally create chaos.  I've been involved with the girl's dad for 6+ years and their mom still makes all the same promises she did 6 years ago (a lot of magical thinking) she seems stuck like a broken record... .after the college fiasco she was still trying to send D20 to another college  , she tells the girls that she is buying a house, that she is sending D15 to camp for the summer, that she's buying a car.  Since the girls have begun having limited contact she now uses the promises of gifts to pit the girls against each other.  Usually the gifts don't actually materialize but when they have they have been returned.

How much contact you have with your mom is completely up to you it can be at varying levels, it can be not at all, it can continue with good boundaries, it can change as your situation changes with your mom it doesn't have to be all or nothing forever, contact with your mom can be a fluid thing.  Both of my SO's daughters still keep a little line of communication open I think because she is still their mom and there is alot of guilt for them around completely breaking the tie all together. You need to do what is right for you.

I wish I had trusted my instincts when I was 18 or 19 moved away and never talked to her again.  Most successful people I know ditch their families if relations are not optimal.  I only have people in my life that add to my life now that is it.

It's hard to trust your instincts when you are raised to focus on someone elses emotional needs and not your own and most likely made to feel guilty for trying to put yourself first.  Don't beat yourself up use the past to learn from but keep moving forward.  I'm so glad you are bringing supportive people into your life that is a really good thing and understanding that you deserve that kind of person in your life is really important.

I wish someone would write a book about mothers that do this stuff.  I had to parent my mother and provide for all her emotional needs too.  It really screwed me up for women.  I did not know how to have normal healthy interactions, or how to deal with female emotions.  I know now that my mothers emotions are not normal and not all emotions are bad.

When you don't know what you don't know it's hard to fix things, it sounds like you are developing a good awareness of where you need/want to develop better ways of doing things and that's awesome. Take that new self-awareness and work with a therapist to move into the direction you want to go.

There is actually a book you might want to check out... .
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson

You might also want to check out the book review board on this website for more reading on BPD and related topics.  I found getting an understanding of what was going on behind the chaos created by SO's uBPDxw was really helpful for me.

Still I am smart enough to spot a BPD woman a mile away.  If on your first encounter there is massive oversharing that is a good indicator that they at least have some BPD traits.

This is a good thing because many of us can end up in unhealthy relationships that look an awful lot like the dynamics we have in our FOO (family of Origin).  I'm hearing a lot of self realization on your part which is hard and which is awesome you are on the path to healing.   

Panda39

[Notwendy]

I was "slow" to catch on to the big picture too. Although I knew my mother had issues as a kid, she blamed me for them and told me I was the cause of all the problems in the family. When I went to college, I assumed that my family would be happy and normal now that I was not living at home.

When I spoke with my parents on the phone ( which was long distance back then so we didn't speak often or for long) they acted as if everything was fine. If mom's behaviors were there when I visited, well ,the reason was always assumed that it was me.

It was only until I raised my own family that I realized just how warped my mother's behavior was. I was basically a good kid, but kids are kids. They get tummy aches and throw up, they have tantrums, they can talk back as teens. All of this isn't reason for a mother to rage at them or blame all her problems on them. My mother still tells a story that I threw up on her "on purpose" as a toddler. What toddler does that?

So, your mother may have caused you harm these past years, but the good news is that, you can fix this- with counseling, support, and some hard work. We don't have to deny who we are, or our past, but we can learn to function in emotionally healthy ways. The work is worth it and I hope that you can embark on this path as well.

[Turkish]

S7 told me last night that two years ago (from what I could determine), he was sick and kept throwing up. His grandma told him that if he threw up again she'd make him eat it. I asked him if she were joking, but he said she was serious. I have a twisted sense of humor, but it wouldn't cross my mind to say something like that to a sick child.

[ijustwantpeace]

I was "slow" to catch on to the big picture too. Although I knew my mother had issues as a kid, she blamed me for them and told me I was the cause of all the problems in the family. When I went to college, I assumed that my family would be happy and normal now that I was not living at home.

When I spoke with my parents on the phone ( which was long distance back then so we didn't speak often or for long) they acted as if everything was fine. If mom's behaviors were there when I visited, well ,the reason was always assumed that it was me.

It was only until I raised my own family that I realized just how warped my mother's behavior was. I was basically a good kid, but kids are kids. They get tummy aches and throw up, they have tantrums, they can talk back as teens. All of this isn't reason for a mother to rage at them or blame all her problems on them. My mother still tells a story that I threw up on her "on purpose" as a toddler. What toddler does that?

So, your mother may have caused you harm these past years, but the good news is that, you can fix this- with counseling, support, and some hard work. We don't have to deny who we are, or our past, but we can learn to function in emotionally healthy ways. The work is worth it and I hope that you can embark on this path as well.

Thanks notwendy!   The thing that is getting to me is that I can finally see how messed up my thought processespecially and decision making has been due to being raised like this.  I am learning how complex life truly is.  My boundary issue have really limited  my sucess, and now that I don't  have to deal with that as much life looks a lot more promising.  Also, understanding  that we as people are all individuals  with different life experiences, skills, and strengths makes all of this much easier to deal with.  I am starting  to feel like it is OK for me to live a happy life and not worry  so much about others.  Besides if I am all messed up with confusion how can I help anyone?

[Notwendy]

We can help others- in our own way. I think the confusion is that we were raised to be emotional caretakers of our mothers, so we tend to feel responsible for other people's feelings- but this isn't our responsibility and it isn't helping them.

I think checking in to my own resentment is a good measurement of whether I am helping voluntarily or being co-dependent. If I feel good about helping- I probably am. If I feel resentment- or FOG- that is something to pay attention to.

I don't think being raised by a BPD mom makes us not capable of helping another person. I agree that we have to take care of ourselves before we are able to take care of someone else. It isn't your responsibility to worry about someone else.

But at some point- when we can, it feels good to help. It could be something as simple as sending a cheery card to a friend, volunteering a few hours in a soup kitchen, tutoring a child in school- whatever your talent is- you can use it to help others. I think this can be a really good feelings. Yes, first take care of you- but don't underestimate your ability to do good things for others too.