I feel like I need to be convinced she won't come back.

[Rhomer]

Hello all, sorry to repost again so soon. I've found that posting here has helped take the urges away to contact my ex, but I hope I'm not doing anything wrong or selfish.

I'm worried how much my healing is being mired by my holdout hopes that my dBPDex I was with for 4 continuous years will return to me. She left to pursue polyamory but still "loves me deeply" and on Christmas Eve called crying hoping I would come back and attempt to be part of some non exclusive relationship. I wasn't having any of that and eventually I cut off communication. Its now been about a week.

While I feel like I've been making some progress in detatching, I know I've been keeping holdout hope of her coming back as a crutch. In doing a lot of research about BPD and using this website, part of the problem is that I am using the information as a means of keeping that relief. Seeing the polls on how few BPD relationships have only one breakup, looking at many sources saying that BPD and polyamory are a disaster together, that she will evetually recycle me etc. etc.

I suppose I know deep down theres a part of me that is making this post right now still fishing for that validation. At the same time, there is a part of me that wants to get told hard arguments why she is very likely never coming back with the hopes it will shut the other side of me up. I know I should be trying to just focus on myself, but it feels like I need to make an active effort to put that hopeful side of me down. If I don't try to crush that hope, I'm worried it will just comfortably stay there as an emotional foundation I don't want to admit too, causing me long term harm.

[Larmoyant]

I'm worried how much my healing is being mired by my holdout hopes that my dBPDex I was with for 4 continuous years will return to me.

If I don't try to crush that hope, I'm worried it will just comfortably stay there as an emotional foundation I don't want to admit too, causing me long term harm.

.

Hi Rhomer, I wouldn't try to crush that hope but instead try to understand it. You’re holding onto hope because you are hurting and looking for ways to ease the pain. Hope is a useful way to sooth ourselves and detract from the pain of the break-up, of feelings of rejection and hurt. I understand this as I did it myself for a long, long time. I clung to anything that gave me hope. Learning about the disorder, reading posts on how to save a failing BPD relationship, etc. Similar to what you’re doing. It’s completely understandable. We’re emotionally tied to the people we love and when the connection ends we fight to hold on because they’ve become a part of us. Our identify is tied to theirs. This seems especially true when we love a pwBPD who has an unstable sense of self and so forms intense attachments with others. We become enmeshed and it’s hard to detangle ourselves from that.

It takes time for hope to dissipate, but it will.  It’s very, very early days for you and 4 years is a long time. Give it some time. You are showing signs of strength keeping to your own values and not being persuaded by hers. This is a very important step in detaching.

Keep reading and posting Rhomer and don't worry about how much you post. As much as you need to. We’re listening.

[FSTL]

Oh, wow !

Mine asked for Polyamory as well. She still does!

It's all about boundaries, and congratulations for sticking with yours and NOT accepting something that is below your values. I briefly accepted her proposal because I was in a week state emotionally. But, like so much else, it had to be on her terms. She wanted to be able to see people, but then got really upset when I saw other woman. Borderlines are not difficult to manipulate because they are so emotional, and of course she eventually came back to an exclusive relationship (SHE insisted upon it). But now I realise that she only came back because of the manipulation, not because she had changed or her feelings for me had changed (they're always there). What it did do was push her polyamory away from an open arrangement to a hidden one... .which clearly suited her just fine as I was exclusive to her.

So, based on my BPDx, I would say that yours may very well come back, but then I would question why you want her to? She will still be BPD. Mine is in treatment, she is dealing with some of her symptoms, but the underlying issues are still there.

Another poster made the issue about understanding why you want them to come back, and I agree you should focus on that. Reading this message board is part of that, so I wouldn't feel bad about joining the community here. I always feel better after reading others as it validates my feelings and helps me understand them.

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel some hope/longing from time to time. But it has certainly decreased as I have come to accept who she really is and therefore understand what I am really hoping for. I know I can't have a healthy relationship with her and therefore don't want to be with her. It really is like an addiction and ought to be treated as such.

[FSTL]

Spoiler alert re "House of Cards"... .

Early on my BPDx tried to get me to watch this show, telling me all about the leading couple and their affairs/open relationship. I now wonder if she was testing me and my thoughts on open relationships. After one of our many breakups, she sat me down and we had a nice night, and watched the first couple of episodes. Around about this time she also told me she couldn't be exclusive... .

I really should have seen the House of Cards issue a lot earlier !

[gotbushels]

Seeing the polls on how few BPD relationships have only one breakup, looking at many sources saying that BPD and polyamory are a disaster together, that she will evetually recycle me etc. etc.

I admire your interest in educating yourself. I think it's the right way to go and not a lot of people have the impulse or strength to do it. I think your three concerns here are very relevant to your situation.

It’s very, very early days for you and 4 years is a long time. Give it some time. You are showing signs of strength keeping to your own values and not being persuaded by hers. This is a very important step in detaching.

I'm with Larmoyant on this one. Keeping to your values while under pressure isn't easy. I hope further that you can be compassionate with yourself through this process.  

... .

But now I realise that she only came back because of the manipulation, not because she had changed or her feelings for me had changed (they're always there). What it did do was push her polyamory away from an open arrangement to a hidden one... .which clearly suited her just fine as I was exclusive to her.

So, based on my BPDx, I would say that yours may very well come back, but then I would question why you want her to? She will still be BPD. Mine is in treatment, she is dealing with some of her symptoms, but the underlying issues are still there.

Hi   FSTL   I think this is very well said.

[Rhomer]

Thank you for the support everyone  

It takes time for hope to dissipate, but it will.

Haha, now theres a motivational quote I should hang on the wall. I get what you mean though Larmoyant, the hope will fade eventully if theres nothing to support it, and hopefully it will come hand in hand with detachment.

So, based on my BPDx, I would say that yours may very well come back, but then I would question why you want her to? She will still be BPD.

Ah jeez, now my hopes are going up. The reason I feel I'd give her one more shot is because I'm assuming she is going to experience first hand the problems she will have with polyamory (she is already in a relationship with another guy who is seeing other people) and at least temporarily realize that the insecurities she had during our relationship are still there. She thinks they are gone because her BPD has faded, its almost comical to me. Course then she might come back to thinking shes ready for polyamory again, but I'd be preparing for that day including being ready to break it off for good.

I admire your interest in educating yourself. I think it's the right way to go and not a lot of people have the impulse or strength to do it. I think your three concerns here are very relevant to your situation

I appreciate the compliment, but to be honest the research feels like denial sometimes as it is in part motivated by an urge to find evidence she will come back. As a counter point though, from what I've seen most BPD relationships have recycles/breakup-makeup cycles early and frequently, the fact that it was 4 continuous years until this makes me think this one is for real? At least I feel confident that polyamory will be a disaster for her, would be absolutely amazed if it worked out for her but who knows, maybe she really is over her dependency.

I'm with Larmoyant on this one. Keeping to your values while under pressure isn't easy

Think I was able to hold strong on that one because it felt like calling a bluff. After being frustrated by polyamory talk for awhile from her, on a base "toldja so" level I honestly just want to see her face the music on this.

[vortex of confusion]

The reason I feel I'd give her one more shot is because I'm assuming she is going to experience first hand the problems she will have with polyamory (she is already in a relationship with another guy who is seeing other people) and at least temporarily realize that the insecurities she had during our relationship are still there. She thinks they are gone because her BPD has faded, its almost comical to me. Course then she might come back to thinking shes ready for polyamory again, but I'd be preparing for that day including being ready to break it off for good.

Don't assume anything! Seriously, there is no telling what she will think. Ex and I tried the open thing. I followed the rules and didn't do anything without talking to him first. He posted ads like crazy. Would tell me that he wasn't looking yet was secretly looking. Said he was bisexual and wanted a man and then promptly went looking for women. He would change his mind from day to day it seemed.

There was one guy that I talked to quite a bit and I am sure he thought I was nuts because whenever ex would say that he was done with the open stuff, I would tell the guy, "Hey, my husband wants to try to work on things. I need to focus on him." I made ex a priority until it became obvious that his on again off again had nothing to do with how he felt about me. It had nothing to do with him wanting to keep our family together. It was all about him and the fact that he couldn't get anybody to stay around longer than a few e-mails.

Don't rely on her for anything. Decide what it is you can tolerate and what it is that you are willing to do and then stick with it. My problem wasn't the open part as much as it was how he went about it. It was not open. It was him lying. It was him not letting me know what he was up to. It was him trying to butt into my side relationship and demanding details to satisfy his own voyeuristic creepiness. He tried to blame my upset on me having a double standard. Nope, I didn't have a double standard. I lived up to my side of the bargain. He did not. He used it all as an excuse to demean me and treat me with more disrespect than ever.

I honestly just want to see her face the music on this.

Seeing ex face the music doesn't feel nearly as good as I thought it would. He is being kicked out of the place where he was staying. He has to be out tonight and has no place to go. I told him he could store his stuff in my garage but that he can't sleep on the couch. It really bothers me to see him have to deal with this stuff. I know that he doesn't have the coping skills to handle some of this stuff and it worries me. At the same time, he brought most of this stuff on himself because of the poor decisions that he has made over the years. Seeing him face the music is not nearly as satisfying as one might thing. It friggin' hurts because not only do I see him suffer but I have to resist the urge to rescue him. THAT is painful!

[gotbushels]

The reason I feel I'd give her one more shot is because I'm assuming she is going to experience first hand the problems she will have with polyamory ... .

It seems from here that this is a trial and error period. I don't know what her reason is for multiple partners.

What was the key reason for each of your distinct wants about the quantity of partners?

She thinks they are gone because her BPD has faded ... .

I don't think BPD fades on its own.

I appreciate the compliment, but to be honest the research feels like denial sometimes as it is in part motivated by an urge to find evidence she will come back.

More than one motive doesn't disqualify the value of you going in the right direction.    Not only that, but I think the majority of us here had some wanting that our partner would return and we would have some kind of happy relationship. Despite the non community having partners with BPD, I think this specific wanting is quite human.

As a counter point though, from what I've seen most BPD relationships have recycles/breakup-makeup cycles early and frequently, the fact that it was 4 continuous years until this makes me think this one is for real?

I'm guessing your thinking is that if x years pass before the pattern of recycles, then it will increase your chances of having a successful relationship. I don't know. I'd be interested in hearing what others have to say about this.

[Rhomer]

What was the key reason for each of your distinct wants about the quantity of partners?

The quote I always remember from her is simply  "I want both." She doesn't want one most important person, she wants to have romantic relations with multiple people and doesn't have any real plan for that. A lot of this seems to be a result of her wanting to step out sexually. I had been helping her with sexual trauma over the course of the relationship, now that she is doing better (according to her) she is being adventurous I guess and doesn't want to be limited to one partner.

She says she wished I would have tried to find other partners to prove she would be okay with it, but that just isnt me right now. I like having a most important person, and I like standing up against temptations for them. Its a security feeling I like to both give and receive. I'm really doubtful she has faced up to the insecurities that come back from being in a poly relationship. She was terrified of me cheating, finding someone better, liking someone more, etc. for the majority of the relationship.

I'm guessing your thinking is that if x years pass before the pattern of recycles, then it will increase your chances of having a successful relationship.

It's more that I'm suspicious she is not a recycler, but I guess I do seem to be her first real love. I would imagine that if she was a breakup/makeup cycler it would have happened already, but maybe our relationship was just strong to have made it this far. She hasn't recycled the other two relationships she has been in the past, but neither seemed to be very strong and both of them ended up abusing her. I think she is high functioning, but maybe going downhill since we left college. I'm worried about her, shes lacking life direction and her symptoms such as self harm are getting worse. She was talking to me about checking herself into a mental hospital 6 months ago, but despite that thinks she has been less BPD since college. So yeah, I'm feeling like its trial and error time for her, but I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up just struggling hard with polyamory for years because she doesn't think she has any other option.

[Rhomer]

Thank you for the continued support vortex!

Seeing him face the music is not nearly as satisfying as one might thing. It friggin' hurts because not only do I see him suffer but I have to resist the urge to rescue him. THAT is painful!

To be honest, right now I'd love to try and rescue her one more time if she would agree to another shot at exclusivity. What I could definitely see be painful is seeing her continue to struggle hard while still being stubborn or being unable to see how her choices are hurting her.

Decide what it is you can tolerate and what it is that you are willing to do and then stick with it.

I think I got a general idea of what that is for me, thus why I haven't been involved in any polyamory with her. What I can't tolerate is her changing her mind repetitively based on how confident she feels. I need to be able to rely on her too, and if we ever have a future relationship I am going to make that a forward focus that she is aware of.

[vortex of confusion]

To be honest, right now I'd love to try and rescue her one more time if she would agree to another shot at exclusivity. What I could definitely see be painful is seeing her continue to struggle hard while still being stubborn or being unable to see how her choices are hurting her.

Oh yes, it is very painful. I have watched ex do this time and time again. He can't see how his choices have hurt him. He is essentially homeless and spent last night sleeping in his van in a parking lot. I could have rescued him and let him sleep on the couch. I chose not to do it. Rescuing him would have pretty much let him continue to live in a world where he doesn't see the consequences of his decisions. It would have sent him the message that he doesn't have to change or do anything different because I would be there to pick up the pieces and rescue him.

Here is the thing, ex would agree to pretty much anything that I wanted and would then do whatever he wanted anyway. I felt like I was going crazy because of how he would tell me what I wanted to hear and then NOT follow through. So, even if she agreed to exclusivity, it isn't likely that it would last very long.

I think I got a general idea of what that is for me, thus why I haven't been involved in any polyamory with her. What I can't tolerate is her changing her mind repetitively based on how confident she feels. I need to be able to rely on her too, and if we ever have a future relationship I am going to make that a forward focus that she is aware of.

Sigh. . .if you can't tolerate the mind changing, then you need to walk away now. I am saying that from experience. I tried to get ex to make up his mind and stick with something, anything. There was one time when we were having a discussion about who/what he was or wasn't doing. He said, "I swear, I am not doing anything right now. I am no posting ads, blah, blah, blah." I told him, "How is that supposed to be comforting? You may not be doing that right now in this very moment but that could change 20 minutes from now." That was his pattern. He would tell me something and be super certain of it and then 20 minutes or a week or two later he would change his mind. And then, he would get mad because I didn't trust him or believe what he said.

Ex was very aware of my need for some kind of certainty. Being aware of it is very different that actually doing anything about it. Ex was very convincing that he had made up his mind and THIS was the right answer. It is really, really easy to get caught up in that stuff when he is being so certain and is saying all of the right things. Don't rely on her for anything. If you can't accept her as she is right now, then it might not be a good idea to even try.

Thinking that she can be exclusive or make up her mind and stick to it is magical thinking. You have to decide whether or not you can live with that because it isn't likely to change moving forward. Can you be with her and accept that this is who she is?

[Rhomer]

Thinking that she can be exclusive or make up her mind and stick to it is magical thinking. You have to decide whether or not you can live with that because it isn't likely to change moving forward. Can you be with her and accept that this is who she is?

This is probably a great thing for me to hear, despite how much I hate it and want to fight against it. I don't think I know the answers yet for these questions until I'm in the situation, and its too much additional stress for me to deal with for something that I have no idea whether or not I will ever be faced with again. Rest assured if I do get into a situation where she wants to start things up with me again, I'll be posting here about it.