Her Greatest Fear Came True

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 I apologize for this mess of a story but I'm on an iPad.

I met my Exgf in April of 2012 when she was 30 years old, never married with no children. I was 11 years older than her and she didn't mind. We were in a LTR/LDR for 5 years, her in the UK with me in the US.  I was married at the time but separated from my uBPDw and fully intended to get a divorce (a 20 year nightmare).

 My gf was hard to read at first and didn't communicate or express interest. Her friend would interpret how she felt toward me, after I almost walked away from the situation. I thought it was bizarre at that age not being able to express her feelings.

 It was an awkward start to our r/s but it managed to bloom quickly. After about three months dating we became more intimate. She told me she was a virgin, (I have doubts about that now) and I going was to be her first and last sexual partner. Sex was frequent and enjoyable but not as romantic as I would had expected. I thought it was inexperience on her part because It felt mechanical. I now think based on her oral skills and her telling me she hated the taste of someone coming in her mouth she had at least some sexual experience. I never pressed her about past sexual relationships at let it go. She introduced me to her parents and they seemed lovely. Before I went back to the states she insisted we go to Prague on holiday for a week. It was like I was living in a dream, everything was perfect.  I went back to the States and within four weeks she insisted on coming over and meeting my parents. I didn't mind after all I was separated and living alone, it seemed logical. She met my parents and they liked her and she seemed to like them too.

 I didn't tell my gf I was married out of fear she would end our r/s. I know it sounds ridiculous but I truly felt like she was the one. I was sure I'd get a quick uncontested divorce and be on my way. I was diagnosed with PTSD taking SSRIs as a treatment. I wanted to get a divorce but getting my act together was impossible due to the zombie effect of those drugs. My job was incredibly stressful, my parents were ill and in crisis and I was an only child. It was physically and mentally debilitating being on the SSRIs, everything seemed overwhelming. None of that mattered because I was in love and i felt like I could make it through anything.

The LDR was exciting, we called each other on Skype, texted, emailed. Sometimes if I was unable to contact her she would leave frantic messages on Skype.

 "have I been dumped"? ":)o I look like a fool"? Do I sound like a fool"?
Several deleted messages I'm sure were inflammatory.

About one or twice a month she'd have a meltdown and burst into tears over seemingly nothing. Occasionally she would breakdown at work and cry all day in the ladies room.

  Pressure from Herr was stressful but not a time to hit the brakes, I took it as a good sign. I decided to retire and move to the UK. I had spinal surgery first and needed to recover before leaving. While convalescing, I tried to get a divorce through an online source like legal zoom.  I told the wife and she exploded saying she wouldn't sign anything. PANIC... .I locked up from stress. Meanwhile, my gf buys an old cottage in a nice village, she was very aggressive in moving our r/s toward marriage.

 She and I set up a date for me to come over and I lived with her for four months.  Her parents were older for her generation both around 74. Her mom was 40 when she was born and she was the only child. Discovered her mom was an alcoholic and my gf was very afraid of her.  My gf is very close to her parents to the point of spending Fri-Sun every week with them. It was too much in my opinion and unhealthy. Her mom does all her finances and controls her banking. Her mom said I was a Saint for putting up with her and that it was always "her way or the highway."

My gf told me her longest r/s before meeting me was 18 months. That r/s ended in her being dumped in a town 6 hours from home with her bf driving away (she called her dad to pick her up). She was particularly distraught over the incident and didn't want to talk about it. I never brought it up again because she seemed upset about it.

I had to return to the states because my mom had a medical emergency. Before leaving my gf said "you better not let me down" "I'll kill myself or quite my job and move in with my parents." I told her I wasn't going to here that kind of talk and dismissed it. She insisted we get engaged before I left, so I asked her to marry me. Immediately she posted our engagement on Facebook. I came back to the US, stressed as ever.

Fast forward to November 2015, I had a breakdown because of the time crunch and not having the divorce taken care of. I contacted her and told her I was married and wanted to breakup. I was embarrassed and felt extremely guilty, I ruined her dreams. She had a meltdown insisted on an explanation of why I didn't get the divorce. I apologized and said I still wanted to marry her. I asked her if I got the divorce would she still marry me.  She said get the divorce and we'll think about getting married. It was like a switch cut off, I was somebody else. She never attempted reconciliation.

By January 2016,  I was divorced and my gf agreed to continue with our r/s and get married. That's what she said but her actions never matched her words. The year progressed with her slowly becoming distant and wanting to become "friends." It frustrated me to the point of eventually ending by going NC. She would string me along and when I wanted to end the r/s she would have a breakdown. She had multiple breakdowns at work sometimes lasting into the weekend for three days. Crying for days and so depressed she could barely function. One occasion I was so frustrated at her distance and never initiating contact,  I told her our r/s was a failure.  I didn't contact her for 12 days. When I got back in touch with her, she was about to go on holiday and said she ran into a wall and knocked herself out.  I found out she lied to her parents telling them I was in England. She also wouldn't tell her mom I was married, too scared.

In September I finally said let's end it and she immediately went ice cold. She told me she was still traumatized by what had happened. Almost 10 months later? I asked her if she would meet me in London and she agreed to 1 hour at lunch only. Her ground rules were to get caught up and to not mention anything that just happened. Again, her way or the highway without compromise. It went well but she seemed unimpressed and insulted me with little jabs. She never initiated any contact after we met and when I emailed her mentioning it was nice seeing her she just said it was nice seeing you too and that's it.

I was so frustrated that she never tried to reconcile and yet would never just tell me what she wanted. Her communication was non existent, I literally had to assume what she wanted. I was so angry, I finally told her I didn't want to see her or hear from her again. I started NC to give her space and for my own sanity, I did NC for 90 days. During that time I had one mysterious call "private number " which is always from Skype. I missed it and never contacted her to see if it was her, it had to have been.  A mutual female friend contacted me saying it was over and she didn't want me, that she wanted something different. All the time she never completely closed the door, just as ambiguous as can be.

  I contacted her around Christmas to apologize for being nasty and wished her a Merry Christmas.  She responded with the same but in a cold way. I haven't contacted her since. 

By mid January this year I considered the r/s over and decided to press on with my life and heal. I went for a walk with a female friend I've known for 25 years and she posted a check-in on my FB timeline. Within 45 minutes I was unfriended by my now Exgf,

I know I did her wrong and have taken full responsibility for it but I never imagined her just disconnecting like she did. Even in some of the worst breakups a gf tries to reconcile at some point. Even if the guy cheated they would try something or communicate that the r/s was over and it was final. It's been the most devastating breakup I've ever experienced.

Am I experiencing a normal reaction to being a slime ball bf or did I trigger her biggest fear... .abandonment?

Am I acting like a BPDex bf?


 

[En1gma]

 I apologize for this mess of a story but I'm on an iPad.

I met my Exgf in April of 2012 when she was 30 years old, never married with no children. I was 11 years older than her and she didn't mind. We were in a LTR/LDR for 5 years, her in the UK with me in the US.  I was married at the time but separated from my uBPDw and fully intended to get a divorce (a 20 year nightmare).

 My gf was hard to read at first and didn't communicate or express interest. Her friend would interpret how she felt toward me, after I almost walked away from the situation. I thought it was bizarre at that age not being able to express her feelings.

 It was an awkward start to our r/s but it managed to bloom quickly. After about three months dating we became more intimate. She told me she was a virgin, (I have doubts about that now) and I going was to be her first and last sexual partner. Sex was frequent and enjoyable but not as romantic as I would had expected. I thought it was inexperience on her part because It felt mechanical. I now think based on her oral skills and her telling me she hated the taste of someone coming in her mouth she had at least some sexual experience. I never pressed her about past sexual relationships at let it go. She introduced me to her parents and they seemed lovely. Before I went back to the states she insisted we go to Prague on holiday for a week. It was like I was living in a dream, everything was perfect.  I went back to the States and within four weeks she insisted on coming over and meeting my parents. I didn't mind after all I was separated and living alone, it seemed logical. She met my parents and they liked her and she seemed to like them too.

 I didn't tell my gf I was married out of fear she would end our r/s. I know it sounds ridiculous but I truly felt like she was the one. I was sure I'd get a quick uncontested divorce and be on my way. I was diagnosed with PTSD taking SSRIs as a treatment. I wanted to get a divorce but getting my act together was impossible due to the zombie effect of those drugs. My job was incredibly stressful, my parents were ill and in crisis and I was an only child. It was physically and mentally debilitating being on the SSRIs, everything seemed overwhelming. None of that mattered because I was in love and i felt like I could make it through anything.

The LDR was exciting, we called each other on Skype, texted, emailed. Sometimes if I was unable to contact her she would leave frantic messages on Skype.

 "have I been dumped"? ":)o I look like a fool"? Do I sound like a fool"?
Several deleted messages I'm sure were inflammatory.

About one or twice a month she'd have a meltdown and burst into tears over seemingly nothing. Occasionally she would breakdown at work and cry all day in the ladies room.

  Pressure from Herr was stressful but not a time to hit the brakes, I took it as a good sign. I decided to retire and move to the UK. I had spinal surgery first and needed to recover before leaving. While convalescing, I tried to get a divorce through an online source like legal zoom.  I told the wife and she exploded saying she wouldn't sign anything. PANIC... .I locked up from stress. Meanwhile, my gf buys an old cottage in a nice village, she was very aggressive in moving our r/s toward marriage.

 She and I set up a date for me to come over and I lived with her for four months.  Her parents were older for her generation both around 74. Her mom was 40 when she was born and she was the only child. Discovered her mom was an alcoholic and my gf was very afraid of her.  My gf is very close to her parents to the point of spending Fri-Sun every week with them. It was too much in my opinion and unhealthy. Her mom does all her finances and controls her banking. Her mom said I was a Saint for putting up with her and that it was always "her way or the highway."

My gf told me her longest r/s before meeting me was 18 months. That r/s ended in her being dumped in a town 6 hours from home with her bf driving away (she called her dad to pick her up). She was particularly distraught over the incident and didn't want to talk about it. I never brought it up again because she seemed upset about it.

I had to return to the states because my mom had a medical emergency. Before leaving my gf said "you better not let me down" "I'll kill myself or quite my job and move in with my parents." I told her I wasn't going to here that kind of talk and dismissed it. She insisted we get engaged before I left, so I asked her to marry me. Immediately she posted our engagement on Facebook. I came back to the US, stressed as ever.

Fast forward to November 2015, I had a breakdown because of the time crunch and not having the divorce taken care of. I contacted her and told her I was married and wanted to breakup. I was embarrassed and felt extremely guilty, I ruined her dreams. She had a meltdown insisted on an explanation of why I didn't get the divorce. I apologized and said I still wanted to marry her. I asked her if I got the divorce would she still marry me.  She said get the divorce and we'll think about getting married. It was like a switch cut off, I was somebody else. She never attempted reconciliation.

By January 2016,  I was divorced and my gf agreed to continue with our r/s and get married. That's what she said but her actions never matched her words. The year progressed with her slowly becoming distant and wanting to become "friends." It frustrated me to the point of eventually ending by going NC. She would string me along and when I wanted to end the r/s she would have a breakdown. She had multiple breakdowns at work sometimes lasting into the weekend for three days. Crying for days and so depressed she could barely function. One occasion I was so frustrated at her distance and never initiating contact,  I told her our r/s was a failure.  I didn't contact her for 12 days. When I got back in touch with her, she was about to go on holiday and said she ran into a wall and knocked herself out.  I found out she lied to her parents telling them I was in England. She also wouldn't tell her mom I was married, too scared.

In September I finally said let's end it and she immediately went ice cold. She told me she was still traumatized by what had happened. Almost 10 months later? I asked her if she would meet me in London and she agreed to 1 hour at lunch only. Her ground rules were to get caught up and to not mention anything that just happened. Again, her way or the highway without compromise. It went well but she seemed unimpressed and insulted me with little jabs. She never initiated any contact after we met and when I emailed her mentioning it was nice seeing her she just said it was nice seeing you too and that's it.

I was so frustrated that she never tried to reconcile and yet would never just tell me what she wanted. Her communication was non existent, I literally had to assume what she wanted. I was so angry, I finally told her I didn't want to see her or hear from her again. I started NC to give her space and for my own sanity, I did NC for 90 days. During that time I had one mysterious call "private number " which is always from Skype. I missed it and never contacted her to see if it was her, it had to have been.  A mutual female friend contacted me saying it was over and she didn't want me, that she wanted something different. All the time she never completely closed the door, just as ambiguous as can be.

  I contacted her around Christmas to apologize for being nasty and wished her a Merry Christmas.  She responded with the same but in a cold way. I haven't contacted her since. 

By mid January this year I considered the r/s over and decided to press on with my life and heal. I went for a walk with a female friend I've known for 25 years and she posted a check-in on my FB timeline. Within 45 minutes I was unfriended by my now Exgf,

I know I did her wrong and have taken full responsibility for it but I never imagined her just disconnecting like she did. Even in some of the worst breakups a gf tries to reconcile at some point. Even if the guy cheated they would try something or communicate that the r/s was over and it was final. It's been the most devastating breakup I've ever experienced.

Am I experiencing a normal reaction to being a slime ball bf or did I trigger her biggest fear... .abandonment?

Am I acting like a BPDex bf?


 

[En1gma]

Was I painted black after I broke up and told her I was married? Or is it a case of I was duped and the trust is gone? Why the ambiguity? Why not just say we're done/it's over.

[gotbushels]

Hi En1gma 

Meanwhile, my gf buys an old cottage in a nice village, she was very aggressive in moving our r/s toward marriage.

pwBPDs can be highly aggressive in pursuing relationships.

Her mom does all her finances and controls her banking.

This can show us that this person is not very independent.

Her mom said I was a Saint for putting up with her and that it was always "her way or the highway."

This can show us that her mother, who spent a long time raising her, has an opinion that is consistent with the idea that this person has some difficulty finding compromises. It's also important to recall that this is a description by one person in another relationship. The mother-daughter relationship. The mother is the other party to a set of issues where compromise couldn't be reached. It may indeed be that the mother is also unable to find compromises.

I'd like to help, so let's look at these one by one.

I told her I wasn't going to here that kind of talk and dismissed it.

Just curious--why?

Am I experiencing a normal reaction to being a slime ball bf or did I trigger her biggest fear... .abandonment?

Which part of your story are you asking this question based on?

Am I acting like a BPDex bf?

What specifically is causing you to think this?

[En1gma]

Hi En1gma 
pwBPDs can be highly aggressive in pursuing relationships.
This can show us that this person is not very independent.
This can show us that her mother, who spent a long time raising her, has an opinion that is consistent with the idea that this person has some difficulty finding compromises. It's also important to recall that this is a description by one person in another relationship. The mother-daughter relationship. The mother is the other party to a set of issues where compromise couldn't be reached. It may indeed be that the mother is also unable to find compromises.

I'd like to help, so let's look at these one by one.
Just curious--why?
Which part of your story are you asking this question based on?
What specifically is causing you to think this?

My uBPDex wife attempted suicide at one time. I felt like my gf was trying to manipulate me by claiming she would kill herself.

Is my ex gf is traumatized by me breaking up and not telling her I was married. Her reaction to that incident seems to be an unforgettable/unforgivable action on my part.

I wonder if I'm being BPD by wanting to reconcile and overcome our relationship hurdle. By contacting her and trying to resolve a significant relationship breakdown am I being a crazy bf? She seems to have zero feeling after an almost 5 year history together.

[gotbushels]

pwBPDs tragically have been typically characterised by self-harm and suicide. This has been so prevalent that practitioners sometimes exclude BPD with its absence.

If your gf brings up self-harm, and you've had a history of manipulation by such people, then you're probably going to feel like you're being manipulated. I think it's important to see that your GF and UexBPDW are separate people. Therefore they have separate relationships with you and separate reasons for such an extreme behaviour.

Is my ex gf is traumatized by me breaking up and not telling her I was married. Her reaction to that incident seems to be an unforgettable/unforgivable action on my part.

Some people may consider this lie or omission of fact, irresolvable.

If you want to contact her to attempt to resolve a significant relationship breakdown, I think that's what quite normal humans want. It's easy to see both men and women want this.

Wanting to reconcile and overcome a relationship issue doesn't seem close to BPD traits.

Now, since you're talking about a relationship, which involves two people, then you might consider what she wants. She may not want these things. A person who doesn't want these things may appear to not show much emotion despite a 5-year history.

It's quite usual for a non, after becoming more aware of what BPD looks like, to question "who is the BPD in this relationship?". With this in mind, if this is still concerning you greatly, consider a practitioner's opinion.

While this site is a great adjunct to therapy--you won't obtain a diagnosis here. You've got some experience with Ps given your discussion about PTSD dx and SSRIs. I suggest you research and seek a P that has experience handling pwBPDs. The benefit of such a person to you is not to jump to a diagnosis, but because such a person would be better qualified to speak to you. Moreover, they have specific training that partners of pwBPD--I believe--can greatly benefit from.

I'd be interested to hear others' opinions on your situation.


https://www.BPDcentral.com/therapists/choose-BPD-therapist/
https://dbt-lbc.org/index.php?page=101163
Please vet your own resources.

[hotncold]

I would agree with gotbushels advice. It seems like you may still have some trauma from your previous relationship with your ex wife (her threats of suicide) which may have impacted your more recent relationship.  It does seem as though your exgirlfriend was quite fragile in certain ways and it's maybe normal for you to question yourself since it sounds like you were unable to have a frank conversation (her ground rules) about your feelings and the relationship.  Healthy relationships allow for frank conversations, unhealthy ones don't. Perhaps that is a starting point for you. Beyond that it seems that getting a T would likely help sort out more of your questions and help move you towards a better place. 

[En1gma]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the feedback. I'll contact a T and see what comes of it.