Hoping to Turn Things Around

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm writing this from the couch at 3:45 AM. I strongly suspect my wife has BPD though it hasn't been officially diagnosed. The woman I married was loving and kind but lately it seems like the smallest thing can trigger a full on rage tornado. She will ruminate over perceived transgressions for days at a time, just getting herself more and more revved up. The behavior comes in waves, moving from target to target. When one situation finally seems to have settled, something new starts up a new cycle.  One of the most heartbreaking parts of it is that our oldest, who is 3, seems to trigger my wife acting out. The toddler is a "spirited" child with a beautiful heart but, like many toddlers, she has poor impulse control. My wife is constantly calling her a brat, cursing at her and taking out her negative feelings on her.  She is fiercely protective of our youngest, 6 months. The baby is cosleeping with us, which keeps the wife up all night and is not helping the baby learn to sleep on her own. When the baby woke up tonight at 3 AM, it became a bunch of "You never help with anything, I'm always exhausted because of the kids" and when I suggested that it's past the time when the oldest was sleeping in a crib it became "well you always take up all the room in the bed so I'd just be sleeping horribly anyway" only with lots of swearing and personal attacks thrown into the mix, hence why I removed myself and am doing this on the couch at now 4 AM.

On a very positive note, she recently began seeing a psychiatrist who also provides psychotherapy although the focus is currently on depression and anxiety. I am hoping that whatever else is driving the extreme aggressive behavior, BPD or otherwise, gets addressed and I'm hopeful that this board will be a good resource in navigating whatever is going on. After all, the woman I love is somewhere under whatever this dark cloud is and I'm hoping to figure out how to improve our relationship. It's just hard when I feel like a punching bag all the time.

[Bernini]

I'm writing this from the couch at 3:45 AM. I strongly suspect my wife has BPD though it hasn't been officially diagnosed. The woman I married was loving and kind but lately it seems like the smallest thing can trigger a full on rage tornado. She will ruminate over perceived transgressions for days at a time, just getting herself more and more revved up. The behavior comes in waves, moving from target to target. When one situation finally seems to have settled, something new starts up a new cycle.  One of the most heartbreaking parts of it is that our oldest, who is 3, seems to trigger my wife acting out. The toddler is a "spirited" child with a beautiful heart but, like many toddlers, she has poor impulse control. My wife is constantly calling her a brat, cursing at her and taking out her negative feelings on her.  She is fiercely protective of our youngest, 6 months. The baby is cosleeping with us, which keeps the wife up all night and is not helping the baby learn to sleep on her own. When the baby woke up tonight at 3 AM, it became a bunch of "You never help with anything, I'm always exhausted because of the kids" and when I suggested that it's past the time when the oldest was sleeping in a crib it became "well you always take up all the room in the bed so I'd just be sleeping horribly anyway" only with lots of swearing and personal attacks thrown into the mix, hence why I removed myself and am doing this on the couch at now 4 AM.

On a very positive note, she recently began seeing a psychiatrist who also provides psychotherapy although the focus is currently on depression and anxiety. I am hoping that whatever else is driving the extreme aggressive behavior, BPD or otherwise, gets addressed and I'm hopeful that this board will be a good resource in navigating whatever is going on. After all, the woman I love is somewhere under whatever this dark cloud is and I'm hoping to figure out how to improve our relationship. It's just hard when I feel like a punching bag all the time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[heartandwhole]

Hi Bernini


You've definitely found a community that can support you as you deal with your relationship. I'm glad you reached out. Feeling like a punching bag is so hard, and with young children in the mix, it must be doubly difficult, as naturally you want to keep stress levels down.

I'm happy to hear that your wife is seeing a psychiatrist. Even if she doesn't meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD, the tools and resources available here can help tremendously. And most importantly, members here are, or have been, in similar situations and understand what you are going through. There is hope!

How is your oldest child coping with this behavior? Do you have a good support system yourself, e.g., friends, family, a therapist ?

Here is an article that speaks to BPD and high-conflict relationships that you may find helpful:

I Think It's BPD, but How Can I Know?

Keep writing, and let us know how we can best support you.

heartandwhole

[Fie]

Hello Bernini  

Welcome !
You are in a tough situation. Congratulations for reaching out. I am sure you will find a lot of support here, as everyone here understands the dynamics of BPD.

The toddler is a "spirited" child with a beautiful heart but, like many toddlers, she has poor impulse control. My wife is constantly calling her a brat, cursing at her and taking out her negative feelings on her.

While for 3year old's it's normal to have poor impulse control, for adults it's not. Great that your wife is in therapy. In  the meantime please try everything in your possibility to make it clear that it is absolutely *not* done to curse your children. My BPD mum used to call us names. I can assure you it hurt me, also in the long run.

While for adults it's a personal choice to be with a BPD, for children it's not. Please make sure you do everything you can to protect your children. It would have made the world of a difference for me and my sister if only our father would have stood up for us. It would have taken only *one* person to make our lives different. He never did it. So the behavior of my mum was considered normal. We all lived in a big bubble lie. And  we wear the consequences of it up till now. What your children need is you clearly putting out your boundaries. They need to hear that you are not ok when she calls them names. If they don't hear you say it's not ok, than they will believe what she's saying. And that's detrimental for their happiness, now and later.
For every time your wife calls your child names, it needs to hear someone else say that what she's saying is *not* true, and that she is the one having a problem saying horrible things. Every time.

No one, during my whole childhood, told me the behavior of my mum (not only namecalling of course, you are well aware of the dynamics of BPD) was not normal. So I thought it was being the abnormal one. This influenced me in literally every domaine of my life.

Of course the main idea is not to talk bad about your wife. She's the mum of your children and they need her.
The dad of my daughter is I believe autistic. Some time ago she started complaining to me 'why is he never complimenting me ? Why is he never listening when I talk to him ?'  My ex married, his wife told my daughter that 'all dads are like that'. Wrong. Entirely wrong. My daughter was starting to believe it was her. That she did something wrong. (They also told her, you are not talking loudly enough, that's why he doesn't hear you, etc)
So one evening I sat her down and I said : look, you have to know, your dad has something in his brain that is not wired correctly. When he's not listening, that's not normal. And it is *not your fault*. It is because of *him* and you can't change him, never. But he loves you very much, and that's the most important thing.

She was very disappointed that evening and slightly angry about the 'there's something in his brain' part. But the truth is, this was for me the only way to make sure she would realize it's not her. No point in lying. Lying and covering up is what made my childhood horrible.

Since a few days after that conversation, she has calmed down a lot. The relationship with her dad has improved a lot also. She now accepts that he sometimes just doesn't hear her. She knows it's not her fault and this gives her peace of mind. Sometimes she even jokes about it 'heheh, he didn't hear me again'. She just accepts him.


I have talked about the influence of my BPD mum to my therapist.
She said well, children can deal with a lot, but the minimum they need is one person who they can turn to. Whatever happens between your daughter and her grandma and between your daughter and her dad, if she knows she can turn to you and talk freely, she will be ok. She only needs one sane person who sticks with reality and who's completely honest, and she'll be fine.

Well this one person in your situation is you. Your wife is BPD, so you as well as your children bear consequences sadly enough. But you can do a lot of damage control by being the sane one. By being the honest one who points out unsane behavior when he sees it. That is a huge task, I know. But the fact that you are on this website tells me you can do it.

Please tell me what you think.