I have been reluctant to say this, it sounds so dramatic - but it is like she is dead to me now. It's not the kind of memories I have had after more or less normal relationships.
Hi Keef, I don't think what you are saying is dramatic at all. This is part of the "lifting of the curtain" effect that many of us go through. We think we are in relation with a person that loves us as and has some hang ups or perhaps that we have a couple of hang ups. Then we find out that; though the person loved us, there were many other variables included in their ideas of love that we could not comprehend or see. Once these awareness's permeate our memories of the r/s, the originating memory begins to change, and as you say, dies.
For me, I have had to re-catalog reams of information about the years we spent together. What I had previously interpreted as loving gestures, became in a more informed way, a knowing that she could not get too close and always needed to be in control. The memories of, being pushed to be a better person so that we can have a better life together, became, this woman was pushing me so that I would not get too close (hard-stop). Not to say that she didn't love me, just that she couldn't have an intimate r/s with me in the way I imagined that we were having.
Of course, this creates a sense of dull lifelessness about our memories and even our selves. A feeling of depression and at some level a sense of catastrophic failure to see/acknowledge what was right in front of me.
Recovery from a r/s with a pwBPD is a process. Understanding where they were coming from, re-cataloging memories, recasting truths, and refining this as many times as needed. It is hard. Yet, we could not live the misconceptions that we wished were true, no matter how much we desired them to be so.
All I can say is, you are not alone; take the time to grieve and heal. You don't have to ever repeat this again...
JRB
