I've fled and have my children with me, now he's trying to send lies to welfare

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I fled my husband of 18 years just this past December. I thankfully was able to come to my dad's house out of state, and filed a police report immediately.  My children are with me.  I have a divorce lawyer.  I also have a protective order for me and the children which he was served when he drove out here to bring me my son.  In 2012 he started accusing me of adultery, there was emotional/mental/and physical abuse and it had increased over the past year, I'm so thankful I was finally able to leave.  I had not cheated at all.  For 4 years this went on, then he began chanting bible scripture at me literally for hours, and I snapped under the pressure and lied and made up some crazy stories which seemed to satisfy him.  They are outrageous stories which he even made me go to the police with, only at the sensitive crime unit I couldn't keep up the stories and I broke down after 5 minutes and told them the truth that these were lies, and spoke with the advocates for a few hours. This happened twice during 2016.  My husband refuses to believe the stories aren't true, even though he KNOWS they aren't!  Or does he?  AND NOW, he's contacted the court here - which they took none of it.  BUT NOW he's contacted the child welfare department here and is sending them all this garbage I wrote under psychological manipulation, pressure, and fear for my physical/emotional well being.  And I'm just worried1000 that he'll succeed in convincing them or ANYONE that it's real and he'll take my children from me (and him!) and have me thrown in jail and the kids put in foster care.  AHH!  I just discovered this today because I have a phone still from our small business so I can see all the emails that come in and some that go out, and I just turned it on today after a few weeks of having it off.   And I've been reading some helpful books which suggested this forum, and I don't want to panic.  My lawyer, when I first hired her almost a month ago, said she would object if he brought this up in court, etc.  But I'm still worried 1000! And he sent copies of all the papers to my lawyers office and to the court!  And I start feeling like I might have some mental issues because I even wrote what I wrote! But I'm willing to go to a psychologist, he's not, he refuses any sort of medical treatment.  I would bring it up that I thought he should go to the doctor for his physical health and mental health but he'd refused.  Why is he doing this? I mean it's just really over the top!  My husband and our whole family were talking about (studying with bible scripture) adultery and ALL the possibilities and ALL the possible negative scenarios at the start of 2016.  He's expert in talking about ALL the Worst Possible Scenarios.  So when I snap and write a fictional story which included some of these worst case scenarios he jumped right on it!  Even though I told him over and over that it's not true and he just says "well nobody's perfect" or threatens me that me and the children would have a bad day if I didn't "tell him" or "write it".  And I feel like he did this on purpose to me!  Like he knew I'd snap and do what he said!  And he'd lie and say he wouldn't tell the children what I was writing, and he did.  And he lied and said he wouldn't tell anyone, and he did.  Just on and on and on.   It's not like he's new to the bible.  He had visions when he was a teenager, then God commanded him to begin a publishing mission, then he did put that into motion, and calling himself a minister and a shepherd.  And then I came along about 18 years ago really excited to be a part of his mission, then we "fell in love" and got married.  Then we had our daughter  , then we had our son  , I had noticed he was pretty rough on the reps of our small paper (now there are no reps left), but I held on "for our family".  I gave him the benefit of the doubt on his stories about his ex.  I swallowed my pride on his treatment of our neighbors.  I made no friendships at all, I attempted not to make any connections, and I succeeded... .there is literally no one I would make contact with from that city at this point since I've fled.  The physical abuse of me on and off I was too overwhelmed and embarrassed to tell my parents.  In 2012 after he accused me of adultery and threw me around the house, a few days after that I and my children went to see my parents (a planned vacation) - but he forced us to come back early, and then he questioned me for hours, made me stand on my feet all night questioning me, humiliated me, it was just going on and on. This sort of treatment lasted for months.  A few months later he said I wasn't "getting it" and hit me over the head really hard with a notebook over 100 times, the next morning my head was swollen a lot and he didn't let me go to get medical attention and hid me from the children.  Then about a month or two after that incident my breast was really swollen and I went to the doctor then, and was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer!  And my mom was diagnosed with cancer at the same time!  Then for the entirety of 2013 I was in chemo/radiation/surgery, etc ... .and you know what?  This is crazy, but I was RELIEVED to have this diagnosis - after what I was enduring in my own household!  And he went with me to EVERY SINGLE appointment and I was thankful for that - however, looking back, this made me unable to reach out to the health care professionals about my family situation!  Only one or two times during that year did he bring up the accusations of adultery.  But after the treatment, any time he was upset about anything he'd blame me and bring up the adultery accusations and how he would find out who it was!  Then my mom died in 2015, and he really began to pick up steam, and at the very start of 2016 he began his planned attack on my psyche.  I believe it was planned. But after reading these different books on personality disorders I'm not so sure.  I was not allowed to read these books before, or research it online.  It was a very controlled environment, and if I went outside of it I'd regret it. I believed I was loyal to him.  But he turned it all upside down!  And I feel like I let him! By not reaching out sooner to my parents!  So I could have not even been so manipulated as to write these crazy stories! But here I am worried he'll convince someone and they'll take my kids away!

[worried1000]

Hi, I fled my husband of 18 years just this past December. I thankfully was able to come to my dad's house out of state, and filed a police report immediately.  My children are with me.  I have a divorce lawyer.  I also have a protective order for me and the children which he was served when he drove out here to bring me my son.  In 2012 he started accusing me of adultery, there was emotional/mental/and physical abuse and it had increased over the past year, I'm so thankful I was finally able to leave.  I had not cheated at all.  For 4 years this went on, then he began chanting bible scripture at me literally for hours, and I snapped under the pressure and lied and made up some crazy stories which seemed to satisfy him.  They are outrageous stories which he even made me go to the police with, only at the sensitive crime unit I couldn't keep up the stories and I broke down after 5 minutes and told them the truth that these were lies, and spoke with the advocates for a few hours. This happened twice during 2016.  My husband refuses to believe the stories aren't true, even though he KNOWS they aren't!  Or does he?  AND NOW, he's contacted the court here - which they took none of it.  BUT NOW he's contacted the child welfare department here and is sending them all this garbage I wrote under psychological manipulation, pressure, and fear for my physical/emotional well being.  And I'm just worried1000 that he'll succeed in convincing them or ANYONE that it's real and he'll take my children from me (and him!) and have me thrown in jail and the kids put in foster care.  AHH!  I just discovered this today because I have a phone still from our small business so I can see all the emails that come in and some that go out, and I just turned it on today after a few weeks of having it off.   And I've been reading some helpful books which suggested this forum, and I don't want to panic.  My lawyer, when I first hired her almost a month ago, said she would object if he brought this up in court, etc.  But I'm still worried 1000! And he sent copies of all the papers to my lawyers office and to the court!  And I start feeling like I might have some mental issues because I even wrote what I wrote! But I'm willing to go to a psychologist, he's not, he refuses any sort of medical treatment.  I would bring it up that I thought he should go to the doctor for his physical health and mental health but he'd refused.  Why is he doing this? I mean it's just really over the top!  My husband and our whole family were talking about (studying with bible scripture) adultery and ALL the possibilities and ALL the possible negative scenarios at the start of 2016.  He's expert in talking about ALL the Worst Possible Scenarios.  So when I snap and write a fictional story which included some of these worst case scenarios he jumped right on it!  Even though I told him over and over that it's not true and he just says "well nobody's perfect" or threatens me that me and the children would have a bad day if I didn't "tell him" or "write it".  And I feel like he did this on purpose to me!  Like he knew I'd snap and do what he said!  And he'd lie and say he wouldn't tell the children what I was writing, and he did.  And he lied and said he wouldn't tell anyone, and he did.  Just on and on and on.   It's not like he's new to the bible.  He had visions when he was a teenager, then God commanded him to begin a publishing mission, then he did put that into motion, and calling himself a minister and a shepherd.  And then I came along about 18 years ago really excited to be a part of his mission, then we "fell in love" and got married.  Then we had our daughter  , then we had our son  , I had noticed he was pretty rough on the reps of our small paper (now there are no reps left), but I held on "for our family".  I gave him the benefit of the doubt on his stories about his ex.  I swallowed my pride on his treatment of our neighbors.  I made no friendships at all, I attempted not to make any connections, and I succeeded... .there is literally no one I would make contact with from that city at this point since I've fled.  The physical abuse of me on and off I was too overwhelmed and embarrassed to tell my parents.  In 2012 after he accused me of adultery and threw me around the house, a few days after that I and my children went to see my parents (a planned vacation) - but he forced us to come back early, and then he questioned me for hours, made me stand on my feet all night questioning me, humiliated me, it was just going on and on. This sort of treatment lasted for months.  A few months later he said I wasn't "getting it" and hit me over the head really hard with a notebook over 100 times, the next morning my head was swollen a lot and he didn't let me go to get medical attention and hid me from the children.  Then about a month or two after that incident my breast was really swollen and I went to the doctor then, and was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer!  And my mom was diagnosed with cancer at the same time!  Then for the entirety of 2013 I was in chemo/radiation/surgery, etc ... .and you know what?  This is crazy, but I was RELIEVED to have this diagnosis - after what I was enduring in my own household!  And he went with me to EVERY SINGLE appointment and I was thankful for that - however, looking back, this made me unable to reach out to the health care professionals about my family situation!  Only one or two times during that year did he bring up the accusations of adultery.  But after the treatment, any time he was upset about anything he'd blame me and bring up the adultery accusations and how he would find out who it was!  Then my mom died in 2015, and he really began to pick up steam, and at the very start of 2016 he began his planned attack on my psyche.  I believe it was planned. But after reading these different books on personality disorders I'm not so sure.  I was not allowed to read these books before, or research it online.  It was a very controlled environment, and if I went outside of it I'd regret it. I believed I was loyal to him.  But he turned it all upside down!  And I feel like I let him! By not reaching out sooner to my parents!  So I could have not even been so manipulated as to write these crazy stories! But here I am worried he'll convince someone and they'll take my kids away!

[Lifewriter16]

Hi worried1000.



I hear your anxiety. In my opinion, the threat of a child being taken away, is one of the worst things a mother ever contemplates. I understand your fear. I am not a legal expert but I do have four things I would like to encourage you to do.

The first thing is to keep sight of the fact your partner is ABUSIVE and don't get side tracked by debates about what diagnosis fits him. I spent two years down that rabbit hole and it got me nowhere. Abusive men who also have mental health problems are potentially the most dangerous of all abusive men.

The second thing I would like to encourage you to do is to contact an organisation in your locality who provide support for women who have been in abusive relationships. I contacted one 9 months ago and it was the hardest thing that I ever did, but also the very best thing. They can provide legal and practical support and often emotional support.

The third thing I would like to suggest, is that you read the following book: 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft. It is written by a man and debunks many of the myths about abuse and gives lots of advice and assistance to women who have been relationships with such men.

The final thing I would like to mention, is that you resist pressure to return to your husband on religious grounds. Your husband used religion to abuse you and there will be plenty of well meaning Christians who have absolutely no understanding of your situation and who are equally unaware of the true ways of God, who will no doubt put pressure upon you. Give yourself time to see through the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

You have done what you needed to do to protect yourself. The system is often prejudiced against women, so garner as much support as you can.

Lifewriter x