Officially ended things, though she thinks she did the ending

[Lynn324]

Officially ended things, though she thinks she did the ending. I still felt an urge to reconcile but knew this was best. Shes like for a year we went back and forth. Im sitting there thinking for a  year you were unsure about us. Fora year I went through hell taking what you had to dish out all because I loved you. Shes like its not going to work.  It shouldnt be this hard she said. Im still thinking hecause you made it hard... .You pushed me away... .you woukdnt let me in, you kept me at a distance.
Long story short, Im heartbroken... .  She pushed me away saying we werent compatible. This after of week of me finally taking a week break from her. I just needed time to think. She didnt like that and has officially said shes done and I said yes so am I. We hugged tightly and parted ways. Her final words were this is a small city, Im sure Ill see youvagain... .
How hurtf I an for giving her so much and then her just never seeing it. Why did it take you a year to tell me your not interested... .Just hurting... .Then says Ill see you again, its a small city. 
Im gonna muttle thru the hurt... .But wow I feel completely torn apart.  She did point most of the blame on me which i expected. I know it was just projecting. So hurt though... .She def has strong traits of BPD... .Undiagnosed of course.  Now I just no where to begin... .THANK YOU DUCKS AND A FEW OTHERS a few weeks ago when I was trying to save this... .

[formflier]

   

Please be extra kind to yourself for the next few days!

What can that look like?

FF

[Lynn324]

Im hoping to just do small things. I feel a sense of relief, yet grief at the same time.  Im lost.  Its been so rough for a year. The oddest thing coming from the breakup as how in control she sounded.  Im like wow and how much she was trying to protect her very fragile ego.  She dished it out, I took it and everything she said is everything Ive been asking her to do for an entire year.  She completely flipped it. Almost rehearsed of everything I wanted from her for a year and totally said all those things like she honestly believed its what I did to her.  I thought I was losing my mind... .I loved her more then I cd love someone and the more I loved her the more distant she became. She actually said " you shouldnt have to try this hard, it should just come natural". Im like what the heck, i said thats very true. ( but does she realize shes the one that ruined it)?  So confused... .So hurt... .Why was she turning this completely around?  It ended calmly which im glad, but the hurt... .any thoughts on this? I plan to start drawing and playing more ( my violin)... .TY FF for responding and asking

[earlyL]

i Lynn324,

I totally understand where you are coming from, I have just been through an incredible rollercoaster of six week break up while my exBPD was processing her feelings about the future (she cheated). I stayed around thinking she wanted to make it work, and she has been an emotional mess, apart from a couple of times where she was so calm and said things, which quite honestly I found really patronising, and  as if she knew it was all over from the start. I still can't quite get my head around it, but I remind myself that when she was this calm, collected self, saying quite adult things, it changed the following day to tears and shouting. I think it is so hard to be around that behaviour let alone during a break up. It is all part of the disorder and her feelings in the moment.

I too am lost, and I am glad you are doing some creative things, I need to start that as well, and only just feel I can even concentrate on something else (using this site when I feel sad and emotional again). I think the hurt will be there for a while, I have days where I feel much better but then it comes flooding back, but I think that is normal. Keep posting, and reading, i find it really helps and don't push the pain away too much, try to let it be there and pass. Remember it will pass.

LW