Anxiety about him coming back and can pwBPD accept responsibility on their own?

[thefinalrose]

Lately I've been anxious about the possibility of my ex contacting me again. (Please do not tell me to cut all possibilities of communication; I do not believe in that). For over a year I've thought about what I would say to him if he came back, what on earth could I even possibly say after what he's done? It's run the gamut from showing him I'm hurt and angry to simply sending him his own text messages as evidence of his deplorable behavior and compulsive lying to trying to calmly explain that his behavior was hurtful and explaining my point of view. But everything I could possibly say he would be able to twist around just like he's twisted around everything I've said in the past to make it look like everything was my fault. I believe I've settled on not speaking to him unless he offers a sincere apology and shows me he's done a lot of introspection about his own behavior.

Problem is, pretty much everything I read about borderline leads me to believe that borderlines are completely incapable of accepting responsibility for their own behavior and having a mature discussion about issues in the relationship and genuinely apologizing and making right what they've done wrong (insomuch as that is possible). I should not have to tell him that his behavior toward me has been completely abhorrent - from the constant cheating to the lying and breaking promises to the accusations to the physical abuse and more. I would think any reasonably intelligent adult would be able to look at their own behavior and realize that their behavior is wrong and offer a sincere apology?

The possibility of him coming back is anxiety provoking for me. I very much want him back, to have a discussion with him and fix the relationship, but not if he's going to put words in my mouth and blame me for everything or else coming trotting back and pretending like nothing happened. I'm not sure if he's even capable of really looking at his behavior and owning up to it... .

[ateu]

"But everything I could possibly say he would be able to twist around just like he's twisted around everything I've said in the past to make it look like everything was my fault. I believe I've settled on not speaking to him unless he offers a sincere apology and shows me he's done a lot of introspection about his own behavior."

In my experience, you are very insightful here. It is hard to accept that maybe we never could have a healthy discussion with them about what happen, but maybe we have to live with that fact.

In my experience, they can "seem" normal, and at some point have an almost normal discussion about a relationship and which borders to set. But as soon as they get out of balance in some way all bets are off. And when asking them about the previous agreement, they always have some explaination: "you were too cold/distant/needy/selfish", thus I needed "to cheat on you/lie to you/emotionally blackmail you" etc. and etc.

Whether they know, somewhere deep inside, that they are treating us bad, I don't know. I think their feelings overshadow everything. I.e. if they felt abandoned - you did actually abandon them. If they felt threatened by you - you did really threaten them.

Just my experience, but I think we might be better of giving up the thought of having a real closure. Their reality is twisted. It's sad but it's true. I am trying to do some de-briefing with objective persons and I am feeling more and more confident that my relationship was not healthy. And I am also working every day to get rid of the need to need an explaination for someone who is not healthy and probably never will be enough to see our relationship through like adults.

Don't doubt in yourself, and talk to others. I know it hurts and we want back the best times with our ex's... .but it just hurts us again to hope for the (almost) impossible.

Stay strong!

[earlyL]

Hi,

I agree with the above, I don't think there is ever the possibility of having the discussion and honesty that I would need in order to take my exBPD back. I am struggling too with this concept right now as I know deep down I would want to give the relationship another chance, but I also know it would not be healthy and why do I not have the respect for myself to move on. I have found the most helpful thing is to talk to friends and be open about what has happened. The more I say the things that have happened out loud the more I realise how insane it is,  it makes it so much more human than how it seems in my head. It is sad, and I am still hurting but I am coming to terms with the fact there is no future for us, because she can't give me what I need to be in a healthy r/s.

LW

[ateu]

"I have found the most helpful thing is to talk to friends and be open about what has happened. The more I say the things that have happened out loud the more I realise how insane it is"

I second this one. I just remember I had an epiphany after I admitted to a friend that he had left a big butcher knife in the bathroom just to threaten me that he would cut himself with it. After that, he hit a hole in our bedroom door and broke his hand, because he wanted to scare me. "Look what you made me do!"

He could be in a bad mood with me and say "there is no reason I should not break every furniture in your apartment". He didn't... .and next morning as usual he would laugh it off. Tell me he never loved anyone as much as he loves me. He would never break my furniture.

I told this to a friend and she was horrified. She said "what he does is horrible and you must leave before it gets worse."

I was just like "nah... .he's troubled. People have treated him badly. He will be better with me."

Yeah right, he will be better... .And that was just the physical. The emotional was 1000 times worse... .

There is nothing normal in this. NOTHING. Don't except any deep talks or sorting things out. It will never happen.

Best to you

[anna58]

It helps me to hear these responses--don't accept these crazymaking behaviors that leave us feeling sad and confused.
I get so used to the crap my pwBPD doles out that it feels like it is normal. I pretend to family that everything is more or less ok.

When I do admit to a friend what is going on, I feel so sad. Like I let myself be broken by this other person.

I don't think pwBPD can be rational on a consistent basis. That makes my pwBPD nearly impossible to work things out with. He lives in his present emotional state.

Wishing you peace.

[thefinalrose]

My ex blamed everything on me. I was the "crazy" one. I used to snap at him for his behavior and he would tell me I'm "too intense and overwhelming" and went as far as to tell me I'm the one who has borderline. I really began to believe him after a while, and I started bashing myself, and that was more "evidence" that I'm "crazy" and he's done nothing wrong. I still struggle with this, because he told me I'm the unhealthy one all the time. Yet over the entire course of the years-long relationship, he was the one always lying and cheating and blaming me for his own decisions and saying hurtful things and physically pushing me around. For years I never said a word about it or fought back or even tried to defend myself. His behavior was unprovoked... .It's taken me a very long time to get to the point where I am no longer fully internalizing what he's said and done to me... .I mostly got to this point after reading through all of our texts over two years plus really scrutinizing both my and his behaviors ever since I met him in 2009. I don't know if anyone's read my other posts here... .

I try very hard not to think about what he might think, or if he might come back one day. I really love him... .I can't help it. I've tried to make myself hate him. I still can't, even after what he's done to me. I trusted him with very personal, sensitive information after he pressed me to talk to him about it and then he used it against me like a knife after he promised several times he would never... .His behavior has always been very Jekyll and Hyde, I wish so much I had seen it a long time ago. I was always convinced I was the problem... .

[anna58]

The Final Rose: I feel for you. It is so difficult to keep this secret of how we have been treated. I am impressed that you re-read the communications so you could fully understand that it was not your fault. You needed that. Today, I am keeping it a secret from most of those around me, that my pwBPD is still living in my apartment. He should have left months ago. I can't get him out unless I take a drastic measure, which I haven't wanted to do. (That's my issue.)

You say you love him. I understand. I have rarely been closer to anyone than I am to my pwBPD. At times, I see more clearly now that everything he gives has been something he needed. My needs are desperately not met or heard.  It is safe here to say you love him. From a friend in a 12-step for love addiction, I learned that Love is a Choice. I am trying to choose, rather than feel chained to an unhealthy relationship even though I have those feelings of love.  It's not easy.

[ateu]

Today, I am keeping it a secret from most of those around me, that my pwBPD is still living in my apartment. He should have left months ago. I can't get him out unless I take a drastic measure, which I haven't wanted to do. (That's my issue.)

 I have rarely been closer to anyone than I am to my pwBPD.

I don't know whether this speaks to all of you, but anna58, I totally understand. In my case also I end up with someone staying with me that I really don't want to tell I let in my apartment again. But then is the love... .I suppose rationally I get it and it's like you said, we fill some kind of void in their life, but we are also losing ourselves.

Don't think it's worth it. Even though I remember all the good times with love, I always hoped that "he will change, get better". Didn't happen so far... .