It's getting harder not easier

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So, I have commented on other's posts here, with many others who seem to be in the same boat.  And I realized that I shouldn't be posting on their's because I am no help, I am just feeling the same pain.  
I honestly can not understand WHY I am feeling worse as time goes by rather than better every day, like my friends seem to think I should be.
I've been NC for almost 2 months now. I guess I just wish I knew where his head was at, if he has any regrets etc. I've thought about sending him a letter, but not sure if that would open a can of worms that I don't want.
I almost feel like a failure because I could never make him believe how committed I always was! He NEVER had any reason to ever feel the jealousy he had. Now, I am hurting from trying to figure out if he ever did truly love me? Although he would say over and over how much he did and how there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for me. Well apparently there was... he wouldn't stop yelling and accusing and thinking awful things of me, and calling me terrible names.
I think it's just awful that I have to remember the terrible things to attempt to push out my want for him.  
I feel like I want to have my last say with him.  That there are things that I have learned and need to say now that I have stepped back a little. That there are things that were left unsaid. I don't know if that would help me or not, or just bring me more misery. My last contact with him, he was in a very paranoid state, thinking I was out to physically hurt him and braking into his house. Really bizaar stuff. So, I don't know if I sent him a letter, if that would calm him or make him worse with his thoughts. I just didn't want it to end like that.

I am dreading Valentine's Day!  First for the obvious reason that I will be alone, and second because I will have the memory of last Valentine's Day, which was God awful! Over 15 hours of rants, fear, accusations & verbal & emotional abuse.
So, this all begs for me to ask once again... .WHY do I miss him! Why can't I talk about him without crying! I wish I could just stay angry and bitter... .I am so much more constuctive when I am in that mode, rather than just pushing thru my day and life in a sad fog.
I've mentioned on other posts... .not sure if anyone else has or is experiencing this. But when my friends tell me I gotta get out there and start dating, and I feel I cannot even think of doing such a thing, as I feel I will be in constant comparing mode.  But mostly... .I have fears now of my future... .will my next guy be abusive as well?  Obviously when I started dating my ex, he didn't start out screaming at me and calling me names... .he was charming and generous.  I just don't ever want to have to go thru anything like this ever again... .which is yet another reason that I am so screwed up with the thought of still morning him!
I honestly think I am feeling worse now, than when I first started NC. I read the 5 stages of Detachment... .and I think I am still at stage 1.  Shouldn't it be getting easier... .even a little.

[Roselee]

So, I have commented on other's posts here, with many others who seem to be in the same boat.  And I realized that I shouldn't be posting on their's because I am no help, I am just feeling the same pain.  
I honestly can not understand WHY I am feeling worse as time goes by rather than better every day, like my friends seem to think I should be.
I've been NC for almost 2 months now. I guess I just wish I knew where his head was at, if he has any regrets etc. I've thought about sending him a letter, but not sure if that would open a can of worms that I don't want.
I almost feel like a failure because I could never make him believe how committed I always was! He NEVER had any reason to ever feel the jealousy he had. Now, I am hurting from trying to figure out if he ever did truly love me? Although he would say over and over how much he did and how there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for me. Well apparently there was... he wouldn't stop yelling and accusing and thinking awful things of me, and calling me terrible names.
I think it's just awful that I have to remember the terrible things to attempt to push out my want for him.  
I feel like I want to have my last say with him.  That there are things that I have learned and need to say now that I have stepped back a little. That there are things that were left unsaid. I don't know if that would help me or not, or just bring me more misery. My last contact with him, he was in a very paranoid state, thinking I was out to physically hurt him and braking into his house. Really bizaar stuff. So, I don't know if I sent him a letter, if that would calm him or make him worse with his thoughts. I just didn't want it to end like that.

I am dreading Valentine's Day!  First for the obvious reason that I will be alone, and second because I will have the memory of last Valentine's Day, which was God awful! Over 15 hours of rants, fear, accusations & verbal & emotional abuse.
So, this all begs for me to ask once again... .WHY do I miss him! Why can't I talk about him without crying! I wish I could just stay angry and bitter... .I am so much more constuctive when I am in that mode, rather than just pushing thru my day and life in a sad fog.
I've mentioned on other posts... .not sure if anyone else has or is experiencing this. But when my friends tell me I gotta get out there and start dating, and I feel I cannot even think of doing such a thing, as I feel I will be in constant comparing mode.  But mostly... .I have fears now of my future... .will my next guy be abusive as well?  Obviously when I started dating my ex, he didn't start out screaming at me and calling me names... .he was charming and generous.  I just don't ever want to have to go thru anything like this ever again... .which is yet another reason that I am so screwed up with the thought of still morning him!
I honestly think I am feeling worse now, than when I first started NC. I read the 5 stages of Detachment... .and I think I am still at stage 1.  Shouldn't it be getting easier... .even a little.

[jonmnemonic]

Roselee, you need to cut yourself some slack.  It's hard when your friends/family are telling you that you should be moving on already when you clearly aren't ready to.  Depending on the length and severity of the disorder in your relationship, you might find that more issues come to the surface as time goes on.  The best way to get over the relationship is to work through your feelings.  Sit with the feelings when they come and acknowledge whatever it is that you're feeling and also try to pinpoint what exactly is making you feel that way.  2 months of NC isn't a long time when you've been in a mindfrack of a relationship.  It takes time to heal and contacting your ex will most likely set you back.  Writing a journal or even writing "that" letter to you ex (without sending it) can be helpful.

Dealing with your own issues and understanding what attracted you to and kept you in a disordered relationship will help you prevent entering that type of relationship in the future.

[vanx]

Roselee,

Wow, this really struck me

So, I have commented on other's posts here, with many others who seem to be in the same boat.  And I realized that I shouldn't be posting on their's because I am no help, I am just feeling the same pain.

I feel the same way often. It may not make you feel better about your current pain, but you should know that just you being honest about this fear helped me. I think being stuck in a similar place and talking about it is really helpful, so thank you for writing about what you're feeling!

Likewise, I don't feel like a dating expert myself, but I would say I know what you mean about not feeling ready. Sometimes, it's good to push ourselves to get out there, but also, sometimes it's good to listen to ourselves. Maybe you just need more time to heal and that's okay?

I agree with jonmnemonic about thinking over our own attraction to the r/l. You deserve to be in a place where you can make new choices that are good for you! I think we'll know when the time is right, even if we are a little nervous.

I also agree that 2 months isn't a long time for healing from big emotional upset. Please be patient with yourself. Honestly, even my therapist gave me a hard time about taking a long time to let go, but she didn't understand what the BPD-Non experience is like. We here do!

[bus boy]

Hi roselee, when someone beat down by alcohol walks into his first AA meeting he/she probably feels they could never help anyone but think of a person who is sober for several months and having a rough time feels like giving up and getting drunk, sees the poor sick soul at the meeting and sees where a drink will take him/her and gets the strength to stay sober for another day. That broken person helped beyond his wildest dreams. I find these boards are the same at first we are broken, mentally, emotionally, spiritually we post we reply we read that one word from someone just as broken and it gives us the strength to make it for the next hour or day. We don't feel so alone when we read our story. Something you post or reply might click with someone who is on the verge of another recycle. So often on here, I was uplifted by someone's words who were hurting as much as I was and every time we feel a little better we heal a little more.

[Roselee]

Thank you for the reply's!  You all have made today a little easier for me! 

 

[Sunfl0wer]

Just want to say something I have said a bit, but not here, so maybe helpful.

For me, healing and grieving was not at all a linear thing.  It happened for me in waves, doses of realizations hitting me in the face, processing then subsiding, only to be hit with another wave of realizations and grief.

The fisrt few months of detaching were by far, the hardest.

Part of me struggled with my heart wanting what it wanted which was the illusion and hope of what we could be.

The first few months were the hardest as denial was an easy coping method.  My T had me read the book on Magical thinking.  Part of me felt like things could be back the way I imagined them.

Then there were so many layers of things for me to grieve.  It happened over the course of a year or so.

I grieved for the loss of my SD.
Then I grieved for the loss of his family as my own
My identity as a couple
That we were never going on a road trip or vacation again...
... .and so on.

One grief would hit me, resolve a bit, only to be smacked by another loss that hadnt occurred to me like when school started for kids in my neighborhood, my maternal ways longed to help SD with her schedule and classes and such.  Then as his mom's b day passed, well, I felt pained.

My T asked when it was I was really sure there was no turning back and it was over?  I was shocked.  I always thought that when we split in Jan or so, that is when it "was over." Yet, in my head, there was still hope.  I was still in my head working at fixing things and loving him in ways.  It wasn't until I began making my own life, and had moved out of our shared space, and was in my own place a few months before I really really grasped there was no turning back.  That could be a difference of like 6 months if you consider detaching from when we verbally said it was over or when in my head I knew I was already living my own new life that didn't have him in it.

It has been two years... .
It IS ok
It IS easier
It is not even close to being in my awareness usually, got lots of other things happening.

Yet, those first few months of feeling torn and not know which direction to go or waiting for my heart to catch up with my mind... .that felt excruciating.

[infjEpic]

So, I have commented on other's posts here, with many others who seem to be in the same boat.  And I realized that I shouldn't be posting on their's because I am no help, I am just feeling the same pain.  
I honestly can not understand WHY I am feeling worse as time goes by rather than better every day, like my friends seem to think I should be.
I've been NC for almost 2 months now. I guess I just wish I knew where his head was at, if he has any regrets etc. I've thought about sending him a letter, but not sure if that would open a can of worms that I don't want.
I almost feel like a failure because I could never make him believe how committed I always was! He NEVER had any reason to ever feel the jealousy he had. Now, I am hurting from trying to figure out if he ever did truly love me? Although he would say over and over how much he did and how there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for me. Well apparently there was... he wouldn't stop yelling and accusing and thinking awful things of me, and calling me terrible names.
I think it's just awful that I have to remember the terrible things to attempt to push out my want for him.  
I feel like I want to have my last say with him.  That there are things that I have learned and need to say now that I have stepped back a little. That there are things that were left unsaid. I don't know if that would help me or not, or just bring me more misery. My last contact with him, he was in a very paranoid state, thinking I was out to physically hurt him and braking into his house. Really bizaar stuff. So, I don't know if I sent him a letter, if that would calm him or make him worse with his thoughts. I just didn't want it to end like that.

I am dreading Valentine's Day!  First for the obvious reason that I will be alone, and second because I will have the memory of last Valentine's Day, which was God awful! Over 15 hours of rants, fear, accusations & verbal & emotional abuse.
So, this all begs for me to ask once again... .WHY do I miss him! Why can't I talk about him without crying! I wish I could just stay angry and bitter... .I am so much more constuctive when I am in that mode, rather than just pushing thru my day and life in a sad fog.
I've mentioned on other posts... .not sure if anyone else has or is experiencing this. But when my friends tell me I gotta get out there and start dating, and I feel I cannot even think of doing such a thing, as I feel I will be in constant comparing mode.  But mostly... .I have fears now of my future... .will my next guy be abusive as well?  Obviously when I started dating my ex, he didn't start out screaming at me and calling me names... .he was charming and generous.  I just don't ever want to have to go thru anything like this ever again... .which is yet another reason that I am so screwed up with the thought of still morning him!
I honestly think I am feeling worse now, than when I first started NC. I read the 5 stages of Detachment... .and I think I am still at stage 1.  Shouldn't it be getting easier... .even a little.

Said it before and will say it again - these relationships are like War - unless you've experienced it for yourself, you just will never be able to relate/understand.

I can relate to everything, every fear you have listed here.
You are not broken.
You just need time.


Shouldn't it be getting easier? Well... .for me, I think it got harder and harder for the first 2/3 months, got to my lowest point, suicidal.
Then I found a really good counsellor.

All I can say is that - the pain you are experiencing right now - is actually a normal part of the recovery process.
I promise you - you will get through it.

[ynwa]

Hey Roselee,

Have no doubt, you are not alone in feeling this way. And sharing your feelings, and helping others is something I've seen you do.  And done well.  :)on't be so hard on yourself, you have more strength and kindness to give.  

Holding yourself back because of doubt is not uncommon.  I suggest you opening your front door and yelling to the world,  I'm here, and I'm awesome and how do you like them apples.

While your friends words don't seem right, they are behind you.  They can't really know how you feel until you tell them.  That you might not ready to jump out there, and maybe ask them to just lightly nudge you.

You got this Roselee, it might not feel like just now, but you have got it in you to get through it.  

[Savannahcat]

Please read gameover's post at 2:40 today.  I was on the boards in 2011 and totally understand how you are feeling but it will get easier when you get out of the FOG (fear obligation guilt).  Gameover's post is 100 percent spot on.  Your 2 months is just the beginning.  There is a wonderful life out there for you if you will only give yourself some time, NC is the answer. 

[love4meNOTu]

Hi Roselee-

I had a similar reaction after the final break as well.

I had dreamed of breaking free from how I felt in his presence. I felt numb, suppressed, afraid, angry... but more than anything I felt as if my soul was dying if I spent another day in that relationship.

When it was over, I mourned so deeply I wailed. Dream of a future life with this person was dead and gone.

I had so many bills to pay, and the stress of the financials was sickening. I had to pay - literally - to get free.

I slid downhill for many months. 4 months after the divorce was a low point for me, I was so depressed I could not function.

And then... .I got angry. That phase lasted quite a while and was quite alarming. I felt so much suppressed rage, but I cannot tell you how helpful that stage was for me. It lifted me out of that depression.

I did so many things with that anger/ energy. I painted almost every room of my house! I stopped therapy because she couldn't get through to me anymore (I was too angry) and I was able to function at work so well. I don't think I've ever been as productive, the neurons in my brain were finally firing again.

I was so afraid of that anger and it was by far the most healing of all the stages... except for the one I am in now.

Freedom is when you finally get to the other side of what happened to you in this relationship. I hold my loved ones tightly now, where before I wonder if I didn't take a lot of the good in my life for granted.

Eh, with all that said, I just wanted to say that for me the process was NOT linear. I fully expected to be in anger/ denial initially but then to go to depression/ grief. Other way around for me.

May I say just one other thing. It's been two months since your break up. This process takes time for a reason. I wonder now if I hadn't experienced all that pain and anger - would I be the more resilient person I am today? After all the  negative experiences in my life it sure makes me grateful for the days that are good.

Did I appreciate the good days like I should have? Did I miss out on some of the joy of life perpetually waiting for the next day to be better, when I had the power all along to make this day perfectly fine?

And lastly... you will feel better. You will find your ground and not feel so lost. The pain eases with time. You are gonna be ok.

L

[Roselee]

All your stories that you have all shared are inspiring for me... .and I do appreciate it! 

I was thinking back to when I first met my ex, I met him thru work, and remember thinking that I thought he may have been attracted to me, but he had a girlfriend at the time.  I remember the feeling when he first ask me out (after his breakup), how excited I was. I wish I could go back to that person I was and scream at her to remind her of the flag that I "knew" was there.  But I also remember the person I was then, so hopeful and ready to have a man in my life again. 

It had been over 2 1/2 years since my last relationship that ended tragically with his self-induced death. I learned after that, that my part in that relationship had basically become keeping him alive, literally, each day. I mourned the tragedy of it. But when I met my ex, I really felt that was where I was supposed to be, with him.  Fast forward 6 years, for my ex to spurt at me "no wonder that last guy killed himself, and you're divorced". So when Love4me, posted that feeling during the relationship of dreaming of a life free and free of his pain and hurt.  I can relate 100%.

The other night I was crying in my bathroom, and I saw myself in the mirror, and was reminded of the many other times I had been crying in that same bathroom and then fixing my face in that same mirror so my daughters would not notice. The tears were of a different meaning, but due to the same man!  Quite surreal for me.

So, I am hopeful that this awful feeling of loss will fade.  That I will grow back to the independent strong woman I know I am. That my feelings and thoughts, of why he continued to say awful things, mock me, gaslight me, and accuse me... .why did he continued to do so, when he knew it was hurting me so terribly.  I think that is why I stayed as long as I did, because no way could any "healthy" person ever talk to another human being like that, especially someone they said they loved forever, and wanted to grow old with.  No way. There had to be something wrong, no one is that mean.
That is what I am stuck processing now. I've learned so much here about BPD.  It is still baffling to me that the BPD person themselves does not even fathom that there's a problem, or if they do, of course it's short lived.

Yes, I will continue to tell friends that I am not ready to date at all... .that I need to sit on the bench for a while, and watch.  Part of the whole dating pattern is telling of your past relationships... .and quite honestly, I don't feel that I have a very good resume there, and it's not something I want to discuss with anyone new any time soon.

Thank you all again, for helping me thru my day!   

[Tobiasfunke]

I don't know if anything I post on here helps anyone but at the very least I read the posts I relate to. I definitely relate to feeling like it's getting harder some days. This place is basically the only place I go the understands or can relate remotely to what I've been going through. Any contribution is appreciated. I hope you feel better today

[Keef]

I hear you Roselee. I'm quite low right now. You're not alone in this struggle to move on and make meaning of what you can, processing what is gone and trying to fit in with the future.

It is so frustrating at times. To quote Sunfl0wer:

Yet, those first few months of feeling torn and not know which direction to go or waiting for my heart to catch up with my mind... .that felt excruciating.

Take care!
Keef

[Roselee]

Yes... .that Quote from Sunflower, does indeed ring true!

I've mentioned before, the maddening circle of having to re-live the hurt received, so as to justify that the right decision has been made.  Dealing with something that you know will be better, yet hurting so bad now.

I have been reading and reading everywhere and anywhere I can find to try to understand more about how the mind of an abuser or BPD works.  One such clip pretty much summed up my relationship for me, and I now keep it on my person for when I do feel these hard low times, as a reminder.  I'd like to share it... .it really hit home with me, and has helped put my mind in perspective again. Maybe it will help others:

From the book by Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

"The abuser's mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum.  When he's in the mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier.  Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault.  He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive.  As so many partners of my clients have said to me, "I just can't seem to do anything right."  At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him.  When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal.  He seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but loveable.
Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back.  The beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees.  Sooner or later though, the shadow comes back over him, as if it had a life of its own.  Weeks of peace may go by, but eventually she finds herself under assault once again.  Then her head spins with the arduous effort of untangling the many threads of his character, until she begins to wonder whether she is the one whose head isn't quite right."

This quote and this forum, have both helped me through my days!

RL

[earlyL]

I hear you Roselee. I'm quite low right now. You're not alone in this struggle to move on and make meaning of what you can, processing what is gone and trying to fit in with the future.

That is exactly how I feel,' processing what is gone and trying to fit with the future' even trying to hold a conversation with a friend about something other than my ex partner can be exhausting. This forum is such an amazing place to come to and be able to be understood so freely. Small steps.

[lovenature]

Recovery isn't linear Roselee, I too felt worse after some time than when I first went NC; I think we are relieved to finally make the decision to leave and be done with it, then as the FOG clears and we learn more we realize how painful things really were.
Friends who haven't lived through a BPD relationship can't possibly fathom what it is like no matter how many normal relationships/breakups they have had. They typically want to help but end up causing more pain by invalidating what you have been through.

Keep going one day at a time!

[Roselee]

Lovenature... .yes you are right!

Initially, I was happy just to be able to breathe again, and not have to worry that because I need to make a stop on my way home from work, and the explanation that would need to go along with that. To be able to just go to bed if I'm tired, and not explain why I'm tired. To be able to make a decision about anything... .and realize that it is truly my decision (and also should have been).  These were my initial reliefs.  Then like you mentioned my FOG would creep in and hover there.

I do know now how painful things really were... .but I am stuck now with trying to understand or know... .WHY and HOW? How can a man who said he would do anything for me, continue to abuse? I know I tried and did all I could to help him and make him better... .but he obviously really didn't love me as he said he did. Why did he continue to make things worse rather than try to make it better after promising he would? It is maddening to me that I just have to chalk it up to a mental disease/issue? My rational brain is trying to figure it all out.  He said he had a vision of living happily ever after with me... .why couldn't he commit to making that work?

Like I've said previously, I no longer discuss this with my friends, because I can't stand hearing "you're better off now" or "things happen for a reason". Well... .I guess I am better off... .I think now, some days, I'm not as broken, just bent. And I guess the "reason" is I know to NEVER change my standards again for anyone ever. So, learning about myself, and again "WHY" did I let that happen, was it just because he came into my life at a vulnerable time, when I needed to have a man in my life?  And the scary thing, is that if it didn't escalate like it did the past 6 months or so of our relationship, I really think that I might still be there trying to be perfect for him, and get him better, and not be his trigger to get him so mad. How pathetic is that?

 The realization that I needed it to get full out insane with accusations, jealousy, ranting, raging and then physical and for it to happen 2, 3 times a week... .often a day... .for me to finally bail, and throw out the white flag.

I am desperately trying to learn to be a "better me" all over again! Because honestly, I don't know who that woman was who put up with that abuse... .I really can't believe it was ME!  And it terrifies me that she may emerge again. I never want to allow anyone to cloud my mind or twist my brain ever again. How did I let that happen to me?

Like everyone says... .one day at a time... .indeed! 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Roselee, I'm sorry to learn that you are in pain.  I suggest letting go of how you "should" feel and instead allow yourself to be present with whatever feelings come up.  You seem to be putting pressure on yourself to feel better when you still feel lousy.  It's OK to feel lousy.  There's no timetable to anyone's recovery.  It takes as long as it takes.  All you can do is be present and acknowledge your feelings as they come up.  Suggest you let go of the rest and just be who you are.

LuckyJim

[gettingoverit]

Hi,
I understand how you are feeling and where you are coming from. I was there too. You have only been out for 2 months. In the whole scheme of things, that really is not a whole lot of time. And yes, you are correct it does get harder before it starts to get easier. That is what time will do, but you have to go through the crap first. These relationships take a huge toll on a person. They make you question everything that you thought you were sure of. They make you question yourself. In order to detangle the truth from BPD crap, you will need time. Time to grieve, time to be angry, time to feel relieved and a time for self reflection. All of this takes you guessed it, time. For some it's longer than for others. That's ok. Everyone works through things at their own schedule. I started dating a year after my xBPDgf and I broke up. Looking back now, I probably should have waited a little longer, because I carried the anger of her betrayal around with me for at least another year or so after that. As someone who has been almost six years out, I promise you in 6 months from now, you will feel much better then you do today and even better in a year from now. It will only be small incremental changes in how you feel, but when time does pass and you look back you will realize that you did slowly but surely move those mountains that you thought you would never surpass. Keep the faith. It does get better.

[Roselee]

Thank you everyone!  And Thank you Gettingoverit for sharing your thoughts and story as well.  For some reason, reading these today, made me tear up some, imagine that... .seems it's all I do. But this time, it was in a thankful way.  Thankful that I am not the only one! 

[Keef]

For some reason, reading these today, made me tear up some, imagine that... .seems it's all I do. But this time, it was in a thankful way.  Thankful that I am not the only one!  

  I really know how that feels Roselee! Let your emotions travel through you, and don't be frightened if it makes you feel overwhelmed! You will feel better as time passes. And right you are - you are not alone  

Have you been looking at the Five stages of Detachment here to the right lately? It can be good to remind oneself of these from time to time. ----->

/Keef

[lovenature]

My rational brain is trying to figure it all out.  He said he had a vision of living happily ever after with me... .why couldn't he commit to making that work?

Your rational brain encountered a mental illness that was irrational; we can only make sense of what stands to reason in actual reality.

He couldn't commit to making it work because of his fear of engulfment along with his opposing fear of abandonment.

Try to start shifting the focus to you Roselee if you feel you are ready, once you learn why you tried so hard to make it work with someone who mistreated you a better way of life will be possible for you.