How can I convince her to start therapy

[Depression = 72% of members]

She blames me for all the stress that she creates for us.
So she wants to send me to the doctor instead of her.

My most important question: how can I get her to go into a therapy?

[RaHa]

She blames me for all the stress that she creates for us.
So she wants to send me to the doctor instead of her.

My most important question: how can I get her to go into a therapy?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vanx]

RaHa,

I'm sorry this is going on right now, but glad you're here. As you talk with others here or read the boards, you may find a lot to relate with. I know what's it's like feeling like a lot of the responsibility is on you.

I don't feel qualified from my own experience to answer your question about therapy, but I would say it can be tough to get another person do therapy. Has it ever come up before? Are you more interested in her going? You two going together?

In the meantime, for general conflict, check out this link--it could help you get some ideas about "stopping the bleeding" to try to keep things from getting worse. A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

We're here for you, so keep posting.

[Mutt]

Hi raHA,



I'd like to join vanx and welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. Probably 90% of what a pwBPD projects is about themselves and it has nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally, become indifferent to the behaviors, you neither like it or hate it.

To answer your question about bringing up therapy, may will say that it's not a good idea because probably won't be well received but if you choose to go that route I'd approach it differently and here's why. BPD has a pretty much big stigma attached to it, many pwBPD have an underlying clinical depression. Depression and anxiety in today's society is viewed differently than BPD, generally it's widely received. That being said, you could tell her that you think that she may be depressed and should see someone, that could get her foot in the door and get things moving in the right direction.

I think that a trap for many non's is thinking that we can control a pwBPD but it may work for a little while but things go back to the way that it was. I suggest to take the focus off of trying to get her to therapy and shift that focus on you. There are two things that we can control our thoughts and our feelings we can't control someone else. vanx gave me a pretty good link that I read 4 years ago, my ex and I used to have terrible fights and it we jus , back and forth hurting each other I followed the advice in that link and managed to end the conflict 

[ortac77]

Welcome, and in my experience it is hard to get a pwBPD to engage in therapy. My partner was diagnosed about 3 years ago and has a psychiatric nurse assigned to him by the local mental health team.

There have been quite a few failed attempts to get him into therapy, he stated CBT but stopped after 2 sessions and last year DBT was offered but so far he is not taking it up. In the meantime I have been seeing a therapist because I knew I needed help with the effects his moods and behaviour have on me.

I agree that you cannot control another person or make them do something however earnestly you believe it would help but that does not stop the frustration I can feel!

I try to detach, it is not always easy because with a BPD partner you can slowly feel any sense of 'partner' slipping away, so I struggle with it. Also because I am coming to recognise how my co-dependency has ruled so much of my life although I agree that w e can only control ourselves that doing so requires a lot of help and I am more than aware that I too at times sit on the edge of depression - when one has envisaged a future together it can be hard to review what I have to change - including the thought that perhaps I am now having to just move forward on my own.

Wishing you the best

[RaHa]

Thanks for your comments.

Here some more details:  she thinks I must go to therapy. I read now some more information and it seems clear that DBT and other therapies make no sense if the patient is not fully committed.

I started looking now for a self-help group and found one for non-BP starting in March.  I will join... .

So based on what I read and hear here what I can do is learn to deal with it (using tools) and get support myself rather than trying to think she will do a therapy.

Seems a temporary solution and maybe a longer one too. Friends of course think this is crazy and strongly advise to divorce before it gets worse and before I ruin myself mentally, physically and possibly financially as well... .

She blames me for all the stress that she creates for us.
So she wants to send me to the doctor instead of her.

My most important question: how can I get her to go into a therapy?