Having a hard time feeling love and connection in adulthood.

[Still breathing]

Hey guys!
So first, I'm way grateful for this site. And I'm grateful for all those who responded to my first post. I'm hoping to find a lot of healing from this group.
Has anyone struggled connecting and feeling love for and from people as an adult? I was abused by my BPD mother growing up. No contact with her now. But it's like I feel numb to everyone. It makes me hate life. Any experience with this?
Also... .does anyone crave to be nurtured and cared for? It's like I never had that from a parent and now all I want and desire is for someone to love me unconditionally and to take care of me. Specifically a woman. Any experience with this as well?

[Turkish]

My experience led me to feel the opposite: one,  that I can take care of my life (myself) far better alone; and two,  that maybe I'm not deserving of love (so one comes in handy). I've actually felt even anger when people have done nice things for me.  Truthfully,  this a my side of the dysfunction with my uBPDx (which triggered her, of course). Maybe this is my BPDishness.

My BPD mother was an orphan by 14, and emancipated herself at 16 from the guardianship of her older sister and husband.  My mother was fiercely independent,  but due to depression, PTSD and BPD,  both her and my childhood were in turmoil.

I wish I could feel vulnerable enough to take care of me... .no,  care for me,  but I only trust myself in this regard.  I'll admit that this isn't healthy. 

[Notwendy]

I have a hard time feeling close to people. I am afraid that if I leaned on them, they would let me down.

I'm pretty sure this is from having parents who weren't there for me emotionally.

[allthesame]

I know exactly how you are feeling... .I also suffered from a mother with BPD... .I feel like I'm not worth loving, and the people in my life who claim to, I'm in constant fear they will leave me or hurt me so I never truly let my guard down.  It does leave me feeling empty or broken, like I'm not good enough for others to truly love me... .I can't tell you how many times I've had the thought "She's my mother, shouldn't that grant some amount of love... .and why I am I not good enough for her to love me"

I know that trust is one of my number one issues from growing up with a BPD parent.  I'm still coming to terms with how to heal myself and regain trust.  I'm seeing a therapist which helps and I am in a 4 year long relationship which I'm trying to open up more and more to him.  I think this is the underlying cause of a lot of our conflicts and I hope that if I can heal from it, it will just make our relationship that much stronger... .but that's a lot of hope, and I still have a very pessimistic view when it comes to love and myself.

I would recommend a therapist and checking the links out on the right side of the screen (if you haven't already) they have some good tips to help you through the healing journey. If you can find someone else to try and trust more, it might be helpful also.

I don't really know you, but I 100% believe everyone (including you) is worthy of love... .it's just hard for me to include myself in that statement as I'm sure you understand.  Just know, I think you're worth loving you just have to find the right person to trust and to heal your own negative thoughts (as do I).