Help me stand strong

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have no desire to ever get back with ex.

However, I am in a position where it kills me to see him suffer and struggle. He was recently thrown out of where he was living after the guy he was living with was arrested and taken to jail.

I told him he could store his stuff in the garage and that was it. He wanted to sleep on the couch. I said no. He wanted to sleep in his van in the driveway. I said no. He ended up sleeping in his van in the parking lot of a store. I let him come over the next day and get ready for work. He talked about how cold and miserable he was. I didn't react or say anything. I stood strong.

He pawned something and was able to get enough money to rent a hotel for a couple of nights. He just started working but his paychecks haven't started coming in. He is working with an apartment locator to get an apartment.

He is telling me that the kids and I mean more to him than he ever realized. He is telling me that he is more miserable than he has ever been because he realizes what he threw away. And on it goes. I spent several years giving him chance after chance. I spent a lot of years having sympathy and compassion for him. I have stood by him through thick and thin for almost 18 years. Now, that he is homeless, he realizes what he had. When he had a free place to live, he wasn't saying those things. He was still chasing women on the internet. Now, he expects me to believe him and trust him. I don't believe him or trust him for one second. I think that he is trying to bamboozle me and tell me what he thinks I want to hear so I will cave and let him come home. I am NOT going to cave. I am going to stand strong even if that means that I have to post here or bug all of my friends. I can't cave.

I have absolutely zero romantic love for this man at this point. Most of my weakness comes from seeing him as a human being that is struggling. I feel horrible for having to be so mean to him. It kills me to know that he spent a night sleeping in the cold in his van. I hate this yet know that this is what I must do to protect myself and my kids. Tell me I am not being mean or horrible or uncaring. I gave my life to this man for 18 years. This is killing me inside yet I cannot show it to him or the kids. I have to put on my big girl panties and stand strong.

Thank you for reading! Any words of encouragement or support would be much appreciated. I know I will get through this. It is tearing me up inside to be in this position. Ex is not creative or resourceful. He can be scared of his own shadow at times. I know how horrible and scared he must feel right now. And I am not backing down.

[vortex of confusion]

I have no desire to ever get back with ex.

However, I am in a position where it kills me to see him suffer and struggle. He was recently thrown out of where he was living after the guy he was living with was arrested and taken to jail.

I told him he could store his stuff in the garage and that was it. He wanted to sleep on the couch. I said no. He wanted to sleep in his van in the driveway. I said no. He ended up sleeping in his van in the parking lot of a store. I let him come over the next day and get ready for work. He talked about how cold and miserable he was. I didn't react or say anything. I stood strong.

He pawned something and was able to get enough money to rent a hotel for a couple of nights. He just started working but his paychecks haven't started coming in. He is working with an apartment locator to get an apartment.

He is telling me that the kids and I mean more to him than he ever realized. He is telling me that he is more miserable than he has ever been because he realizes what he threw away. And on it goes. I spent several years giving him chance after chance. I spent a lot of years having sympathy and compassion for him. I have stood by him through thick and thin for almost 18 years. Now, that he is homeless, he realizes what he had. When he had a free place to live, he wasn't saying those things. He was still chasing women on the internet. Now, he expects me to believe him and trust him. I don't believe him or trust him for one second. I think that he is trying to bamboozle me and tell me what he thinks I want to hear so I will cave and let him come home. I am NOT going to cave. I am going to stand strong even if that means that I have to post here or bug all of my friends. I can't cave.

I have absolutely zero romantic love for this man at this point. Most of my weakness comes from seeing him as a human being that is struggling. I feel horrible for having to be so mean to him. It kills me to know that he spent a night sleeping in the cold in his van. I hate this yet know that this is what I must do to protect myself and my kids. Tell me I am not being mean or horrible or uncaring. I gave my life to this man for 18 years. This is killing me inside yet I cannot show it to him or the kids. I have to put on my big girl panties and stand strong.

Thank you for reading! Any words of encouragement or support would be much appreciated. I know I will get through this. It is tearing me up inside to be in this position. Ex is not creative or resourceful. He can be scared of his own shadow at times. I know how horrible and scared he must feel right now. And I am not backing down.

[FindingMe2011]

Sounds like your doing fine to me. His behavior has landed him here, and Im glad to hear the strength in your words, keep saying them. Your dependency issues, will have you second guessing yourself.stay strong
wish u well peace

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you BeenThereB4!

I sure don't feel like I am doing fine. 

I so badly want to rescue him him and help him and I know that it isn't good. He is acting so nice and so pathetic and so remorseful.

Why wasn't he saying and doing these things years ago? Oh right, he wasn't doing it years ago because he had no reason to do it. I would fall for his empty promises time and time again.

[Aiming4Kindness]

Your strength is so incredibly inspiring!  You just gave me even more resolve to follow through on my plans to end my relationship. 

I have no doubt that you'll continue to stand strong. You can continue to do this.

[vortex of confusion]

Your strength is so incredibly inspiring!  You just gave me even more resolve to follow through on my plans to end my relationship. 

It took me a couple of years to get here. This didn't happen overnight. I got here with the help of some wonderful friends and the support of this forum. And, lots and lots of soul searching about what I want moving forward.

When I found these forums in 2014, I was a complete mess. I was on the staying forum and was convinced that I just had to figure out how to fix myself so that I could continue in the relationship.

The biggest challenge is getting out of the fog and seeing things for what they are rather than how you want them to be.

I also have a family member that keeps telling, "Oh, you don't know what will happen. He could get his act together and you might get back together in a couple of years."      No wonder it took me so long to get here!

[KateCat]

My county has a walk-in office for emergency temporary services (hotel vouchers, etc.) Anything similar in your area?

Seems like he'd be the kind of client they'd find it gratifying to work with. He's already on his way to a job and an apartment and just needs a bridge to get there.

[FindingMe2011]

I sure don't feel like I am doing fine.  grin

I so badly want to rescue him him and help him and I know that it isn't good. He is acting so nice and so pathetic and so remorseful.

Why wasn't he saying and doing these things years ago? Oh right, he wasn't doing it years ago because he had no reason to do it. I would fall for his empty promises time and time again.



Allow that feeling to show yourself,how you lie to yourself... .understand how you got there

pwBPD traits count on, your life mission to rescue... .if not you someone else will volunteer... .I learned this the hard way. As much as I wanted to, I couldnt be emotionally responsible, for 2 people, wish u well peace

[vortex of confusion]

My county has a walk-in office for emergency temporary services (hotel vouchers, etc.) Anything similar in your area?

I am pretty sure there is stuff like that. I know he found a counselor through some kind of crisis center. I am trying not to get too involved in what he is doing.

He's already on his way to a job and an apartment and just needs a bridge to get there.

He has two jobs at the moment. This all happened in the last week or two. He got a part time job and then he was called back to his old full time job. He just needs a place to stay until he can get an apartment. I am going to suggest an extended stay hotel.

[FindingMe2011]

It took me a couple of years to get here. This didn't happen overnight. I got here with the help of some wonderful friends and the support of this forum. And, lots and lots of soul searching about what I want moving forward.



I also have a family member that keeps telling, "Oh, you don't know what will happen. He could get his act together and you might get back together in a couple of years."      No wonder it took me so long to get here!

I can so relate to these 2 statements... .I did/still do refer to it as the JOURNEY. Good for you

One of the sobering unforeseen educations... .I can see how dysfunction, jumps from generation to generation  

[GaGrl]

He needs to be in a tough situation long enough for it to sink in. He's still at the bargaining stage, thinking he can manipulate you.

[ynwa]

Hey Vortex,

Very happy to see you handling this with compassion and honesty. It seems clear you are t going to fold, and in a short while he will be a bit better off and you will be even more clear.

You got this and more!

[Grey Kitty]

You already know what to do, so I'm not going to tell you more about that

I so badly want to rescue him him and help him and I know that it isn't good. He is acting so nice and so pathetic and so remorseful.

How well did "pathetic and remorseful" work with you back before you kicked him out?

If he was rewarded by you... .or his FOO before for this kind of thing, he'll probably keep pulling it out.

[vortex of confusion]

Very happy to see you handling this with compassion and honesty. It seems clear you are t going to fold, and in a short while he will be a bit better off and you will be even more clear.

My compassion is in short supply this evening. He is texting me like crazy and I am having a difficult time NOT responding. I went down the rabbit hole for a little while and then sent him a message that I was blocking him. Then he sent me an email. I responded to him and then tried to find a way to block him there too. I don't have the energy for this.

I was a jerk and told him to go talk to his girlfriends instead of me. That was a bit provocative but his pattern is to lie about having somebody on the side. He accused me of being like my mom.   

He is clearly struggling and wants to engage with me however he can and I don't have the energy for it.

[vortex of confusion]

How well did "pathetic and remorseful" work with you back before you kicked him out?

If he was rewarded by you... .or his FOO before for this kind of thing, he'll probably keep pulling it out.

Oh yes, I am so very guilty of rewarding him for being pathetic and remorseful. I am so very guilty of reaching a snapping point and saying something ugly and then feeling bad and letting him off the hook because I feel bad for my bad behavior. I could feel myself going down that path tonight so I blocked him for now. I can't deal with him. I just can't.

[Soulcrushed4]

Stay strong.

I've let my ex sleep in his van before. It was horribly painful and I felt guilty but had to keep reminding myself that he put himself in that position. Everyone has their own priorities in life. 
He opted to blow his money or not work enough hours and liked to blame it on me when he couldn't pay rent or couldn't find a new place or had to leave a place.

I learned that there are shelters and resources. Also he never had a problem finding a couch to sleep on.
It never seemed to bother him much as it gave him yet another sob story to tell everyone to garner sympathy.

[vortex of confusion]

I've let my ex sleep in his van before. It was horribly painful and I felt guilty but had to keep reminding myself that he put himself in that position. Everyone has their own priorities in life.

I have to remind myself that I shouldn't feel guilty. He didn't feel bad or guilty when he encouraged me to go be with a strange man in a motel room. Nope, he wasn't concerned for my safety for one second. When I was sitting in the bath tub crying and telling him that I didn't want to go through with it, he patted me on the back and encouraged me and said how much fun it would be. Yeah, he can sit in his cold van and friggin' cry me a river. (Yes, I am feeling very angry tonight.)

It never seemed to bother him much as it gave him yet another sob story to tell everyone to garner sympathy.

I find it interesting that he wasn't showing nearly as much remorse or upset BEFORE he got kicked out of where he was living. He seemed content to let things ride. Now he wants to tell ME that I am being abusive because I keep telling him to go talk to his girlfriend instead of me. I have asked him several times when he is going on about this or that. "Where are all of those women that you said were better than me? Where are all of those people that inspired you and floated your boat? Why are you coming to me and not them?"

[vortex of confusion]

Just when I start feeling sympathy for him he says stuff like this:

"I know you don't trust me, but aren't there other ways to express it? It was the mode of expression, not the idea behind it that I noticed."

Nope, doesn't hear a friggin' word I say. Only notices that he doesn't like my mode of expression.   

[Soulcrushed4]

I hope I didn't imply you have any reason to feel guilty. You don't and neither did I.

I too was accused of being abusive for my reactions to my exes serial cheating, pathological lying etc.

Our exes sound eerily similar. Mine never gave a damn about my pain or discomfort or tears but look out of things weren't smooth sailing for him.
For all you know he is crashing elsewhere and just stuck on the usual standard interaction pattern - mine often was tugging on my heart strings all the while the issue at hand had been taken care of by one of his other enablers.

That's the good thing in a way that you are angry. I had to hold on to my anger for a time to stop being a part of the cycle. It tends to be easy as if your ex is anything like mine if the feigned remorse or attempt to guilt or make you feel bad doesn't produce desired results then there are a bunch of other tools used to bait/engage.

I hope having blocked the texts and emails you are able to find a bit of a reprieve.

[Grey Kitty]

Then he sent me an email. I responded to him and then tried to find a way to block him there too.

Technology is your friend there. You can create rules or filters in your email to work like blocking him. You could have it automatically delete emails... .or just have them get archived or stuffed into a folder where you can look later when you aren't as worried about reacting to him if you don't want to delete them.

I hope I didn't imply you have any reason to feel guilty. You don't and neither did I.

And remember--sometimes you FEEL guilty, even if there isn't a valid reason behind it. Even when you are doing the right thing.

Err... .it isn't just possible that you feel that way, it might be likely. Don't you have a long developed pattern of feeling guilty any time you stand up for yourself.

[vortex of confusion]

I hope I didn't imply you have any reason to feel guilty. You don't and neither did I.

Oh no, I didn't think you were implying that at all. I was typing that "out loud" so that I could remind myself of some of the horrible things he has done. I know me. If I don't remind myself of the pain and hurt, it is way too easy for me to get caught up in feeling bad or guilty. I must remind myself that I am doing the right thing for the right reason. This isn't me trying to be mean or vindictive. I am trying to do what is best for me and the kids.

I too was accused of being abusive for my reactions to my exes serial cheating, pathological lying etc.

I don't think it is possible for me to understand how ex could do the things that he did and then get upset with me for reacting and NOT being okay with it. I don't know how many times lately I have reminded him of the things that he has done to me. I feel like I am reminding him too often. It seems like that is the only thing I can do when he starts acting like I am being horrible or mean.

For all you know he is crashing elsewhere and just stuck on the usual standard interaction pattern - mine often was tugging on my heart strings all the while the issue at hand had been taken care of by one of his other enablers.

I have no reason to believe that he has any other enablers besides his mom. I complain about the women he was chasing yet forget that very few, if any, stuck around for very long. Most of them ditched him rather quickly.

That's the good thing in a way that you are angry. I had to hold on to my anger for a time to stop being a part of the cycle. It tends to be easy as if your ex is anything like mine if the feigned remorse or attempt to guilt or make you feel bad doesn't produce desired results then there are a bunch of other tools used to bait/engage.

I held onto it for a while too. As things settled down, I was actually feeling less angry and more at peace. This latest stuff has me needing to be angry again.

Oh yes, ex is really good at acting like he is full of regret and remorse. It is funny that he didn't tell me that he realized how much he missed his family until AFTER he found himself homeless.

[vortex of confusion]

or just have them get archived or stuffed into a folder where you can look later when you aren't as worried about reacting to him if you don't want to delete them.

Been there done that!  It is all going into the spam folder so I can look at it when I want to and I want receive any notifications.

Err... .it isn't just possible that you feel that way, it might be likely. Don't you have a long developed pattern of feeling guilty any time you stand up for yourself.

Guilty as charged! Yep, I do have a long pattern of feeling guilty about standing up for myself. When I do get to a point where I stand up for myself, I know that I have a tendency to go a little bit overboard to make my point.

[FindingMe2011]

Guilty as charged! Yep, I do have a long pattern of feeling guilty about standing up for myself. When I do get to a point where I stand up for myself, I know that I have a tendency to go a little bit overboard to make my point.

             
            I relate to alot of what you say. I hear the sincerity,effort,and honesty,(as you know it today) and relate well, when u speak of children being involved. The real sufferers, because they have no voice. I see you pouring out your truth, and gaining knowledge (not many do this honestly) keep it up. Having the ability to change ones TRUTH, is hard, at least it was for me, and done many times, through out my recovery. There is only so much, one can take in, at a time. Learn to have patience for YOU. ACCEPTANCE will follow

           I may be getting the wrong impression(I havent read many, but plan to) but you speak as though his behavior came out of nowhere. If you have studied the illness, you would understand, that it was there long before you, and will be there, after you, unless HE does something for himself,by himself. Even then there is no guarantee. If he were a paraplegic, would you understand he cant help you unload the car?
       
           I understand analyzing him, the relationship , the kids and whatever else, is a necessary part of processing this whole thing. But understand the true healing comes, when you get to YOU... .WISH U WELL PEACE,keep it up

[vortex of confusion]

I may be getting the wrong impression(I havent read many, but plan to) but you speak as though his behavior came out of nowhere.

It depends on what day you approach me as to whether or not I think it came out of nowhere. 

A lot of his behaviors were there but were mild and were annoying yet easy to overlook. The behaviors increased over time as the demands of being an adult increased. And, I spent a lot of time listening to his words rather than looking at his behaviors. Adjusting to watching his actions rather than listening to his words is a big adjustment for me. It is very confusing to have somebody proclaim their undying love for you and then do the things that he did.

If you have studied the illness, you would understand, that it was there long before you, and will be there, after you, unless HE does something for himself,by himself. Even then there is no guarantee. If he were a paraplegic, would you understand he cant help you unload the car?

I understand the illness. I understood a lot about it before I ever knew there was a word for it. I grew up with some very disordered people. They were the witchy type so it was easy to spot. I knew how to ride out their dysregulations. I knew how to deal with them. With ex, I feel like I was blindsided because he is more waifish and hermitlike. I can't even really think about it in terms of what he can or can't do right now. If I think of him as a paraplegic or some other helpless person, that will weaken my resolve. I know me. I know that I will give in, not because I want to be in a relationship with him, but because he is a human being and I don't want to see him suffer especially because I know that I have the ability to say one thing and he will be safe and happy again.

       

true healing comes, when you get to YOU

Exactly! That is why I am trying to identify and focus on my weaknesses without regard to what he is or isn't doing or whether he is BPD or has had an alien invade his body.  Trying to stand strong is about me and what I need to do. It is about NOT getting caught up in his words of regret or remorse. It is NOT being moved by knowing that he is struggling. It hurts like hell to sit on the sidelines and see him like this. He is a human being and I would feel bad for anybody that was in his position whether it was his fault or not.

[AustenJ]

I know I fell in love with my ex because I was driven by my compassion for her and her situation. Our compassion is a weakness when it comes to borderlines... .we want to rescue, help, fix---especially when our ex is in a weak moment... .been there, done that. But we must protect ourselves and our children going forward. It has helped me to write down and reflect on all the horrible things my ex put me through when I think about showing her compassion... .where was her compassion for me when she was screwing all those other guys... .unprotected sex... .it's just a matter of time before she picked up an std... .

Stay strong for yourself and for your family!

[Sunfl0wer]

He is a human being and I would feel bad for anybody that was in his position whether it was his fault or not

So gonna admit I only skimmed the thread so apologies if I am not grasping or am restating what has been said... .

Helps me to think of the golden rule and treat another how I would want to be treated.

So there is no way in the world I would want someone spending time with me because they pity me, feel bad for me, etc but aren't really gaining other social/ emotional things from the interaction except getting to be a helper (soother) to my poor pathetic soul.

So yea, I recently felt bad for some dude cause he seemed pathetic in wanting a date... .yet man, I would never have self respect to think to just date him for that reason.  (Yet I'm sure you do got more reasons as he is father of kids, etc)

I would only be able to have a relationship if I felt I too was gaining socially/emotionally as well, and not just to make me feel like I made some "donation" to their well being.

I mean, ya wouldn't even get your name on a plaque for a pew or a bench for such donation!   

[vortex of confusion]

where was her compassion for me

Thank you! I keep having that thought too. Where was his compassion for me during all of those times when he was telling me how some other woman floated his boat and inspired him.

Where was his compassion for me when I was tired and not getting any sleep because I was caring for our children? He couldn't even watch the kids long enough for me to get a nap some days.

Where was his compassion for me when I needed him to be my person?

[vortex of confusion]

So there is no way in the world I would want someone spending time with me because they pity me, feel bad for me, etc but aren't really gaining other social/ emotional things from the interaction except getting to be a helper (soother) to my poor pathetic soul.

I am the same way. That would irk me to no end.

Yet I'm sure you do got more reasons as he is father of kids

We have 20 years of history together. That isn't easy to overlook. He was my best friend for a whole lot of years. He and I have weathered a lot of storms together (literally and figuratively). It is so much more than seeing him as a pathetic human being. At one time, I saw myself growing old with him and sitting on our porch together in our rocking chairs singing and being silly together. Now, I am having to stand strong and let him figure stuff out for himself. I know that if I was in a bad place, I would want somebody to help me and support me. I know that he is alone right now. He doesn't have many friends and he is not one to reach out for help. He would more than likely reach out to strange women on the Internet than go to somebody other than me or his mom.

[FindingMe2011]

If I think of him as a paraplegic or some other helpless person, that will weaken my resolve. I know me. I know that I will give in

     That would be EMPATHY and something BPD can only mimic, not feel. It puts them closer to death, in some respects. Would/Does denying your empathy, which Im sure you exude(because your here) make you true to yourself? Theres nothing wrong with it, until it becomes self harming/defeating. Maybe work on boundaries, for yourself, and others?

[Sunfl0wer]

Idk, for me, I am more comfy in a helper role, so when someone seems like they need me, kinda hits my attachment feelers in a stronger way.  Yet I am trying to recognize this as I end up in situations having to be "the strong one" and such.  It is hard for me to say no when I feel like I know I can help a person and they may need some talent, or resource for helping that I know I have.

So flipping the situation around to see what I actually expect of folks if the shoe were on the other foot, helps me stay a bit balanced. (Cause when I don't, I end up giving too much sometimes)

Anyways... .
When my ex and I were splitting, I thought I couldn't do it, couldn't make it or figure out many things.  Turns out, extreme discomfort and feeling like ya got no other choice but to pull yourself up by the bootstraps is the mother of invention, motivation, and what have you.

Anyway, just saying, he may not need you, He may figure it out, idk.
Hope you can find peace to take care of you first however it goes, ... even if he fails.

(Not saying you should help him, or not help him, idk, just saying you gotta live with yourself no matter how his life goes, it is his life)

[vortex of confusion]

     That would be EMPATHY and something BPD can only mimic, not feel. It puts them closer to death, in some respects. Would/Does denying your empathy, which Im sure you exude(because your here) make you true to yourself? Theres nothing wrong with it, until it becomes self harming/defeating. Maybe work on boundaries, for yourself, and others?

I don't feel like I am denying my empathy. I feel it intensely. I am choosing not to act on it. I feel like I am recognizing it and honoring it by acknowledging that this hurts like hell even though I know that it is right thing to do. Doing the right thing isn't necessarily the easiest thing to do.

I am making a very conscious decision to stand strong and NOT give in because I am aware that it would be self defeating. Talking about it here and dealing with the internal struggles here and with close friends is how I am handling it.