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Author Topic: This just doesn't makes any sense - 2  (Read 2896 times)
FallenOne
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« on: January 17, 2017, 12:08:56 PM »

If they weren't sexually abused then how do you explain them developing BPD?

Is all of this madness really just from neglectful parents?


Prior:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304431.0
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« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2017, 12:35:45 PM »

Also when my ex would push/ pull with me she had told me she didn't know how to love!

The similarities are astounding. My ex also said that she had difficulty in loving others, errr, and then said 5 minutes later that she thought that she did love me.

So what was real and what wasn't - I have no idea.

If they weren't sexually abused then how do you explain them developing BPD?

Is all of this madness really just from neglectful parents?

This is the right question, and I can't answer you. All I do know is that my ex said that she really hated her mother and indeed was still punishing her to this day, even though my ex is now 50 years old.

I also was never allowed to meet her mother, so maybe that's all nonsense too. Who knows.

Scarily my ex said that she had legally gained control of her mother's finances (through power of attorney) and used to just gave her mother enough money to get by day to day... .a bit like pocket money. Unless that was a lie too?
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« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2017, 12:43:35 PM »

Is all of this madness really just from neglectful parents?

not exactly. if you check out the Parenting board, it is hardly full of neglectful parents. in some cases, parenting styles and a childs personality may not mesh. sometimes its a predisposition, coupled with an invalidating home environment - even with parents who love their children whole heartedly.
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« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2017, 04:05:21 PM »

I honestly don't see any end to possible supply sources.

My ex always has multiple on the go at once
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« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2017, 11:52:08 PM »

why mess with them? the relationship (and messing with each other) has ended. heal and move on  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

A pwBPD already has enough mess, no need to add to it. Once removed has given excellent advice, heal and move on.
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« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2017, 03:52:11 AM »

If your EX is truly cluster B you are completely wasting your time and energy. You cannot teach a Cluster B a lesson. You cannot make them understand, feel, or have empathy for your emotions.  She violated every boundary you had by cheating on you,, lying to you, and whatever else this particular cluster B witch did to you, and her response is to tell YOU that you have no heart.

Let me help you out with one simple phrase, it is all about her, it is all about her, it is all about her.
Once you accept this simple phrase as the reality of dealing with a Cluster B sink in as the truth only then will you realize how much you are completely wasting your time.
Any contact, "revenge" or weak manipulation attempts you make such as sending her a picture to make her jealous only serve to make her dislike you more,  she will just use them to justify her awful behavior t words you.

"SEE, he has no heart!  Good thing I lied to him, cheated on him!"

You are completely wasting your time. You absolutely cannot give a cluster B a "dose of their own medicine"  She doesn't even operate on the same level of concscience that you do.

Would you try to teach a Rabbit Trigonometry?
Do not waste your time on any more "Lessons"
Love yourself, cut the cluster B witch out of your life forever.
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« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2017, 04:59:07 AM »


What if they run out of "sources" and they end up committing suicide?

Matt, What if she truly did care about you and it overwhelmed her so she had to leave. Then finding out you had died because you want to play a game on her led her to commit suicide? would you feel like you won? I doubt it. Sure these people can do terrible things. My ex sure did during the break up. That doesn't give me or you the right to do terrible or bad things. If you loved this person, you'd understand they are troubled and you'd wish them the best. Loving someone means being able to let them go. However I always look for the best in people and am still hung up on mine.

You're bitter and I get it you want her to feel the pain you feel. The best way to do that is to live the life you wanted to live with her independently.
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« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2017, 10:42:39 AM »

My ex hasn't contacted me yet (just posted about me online so that's fun), but she did say she might talk to me in "a decade maybe" when we finally stopped talking. If she did ever call I'd be scared to pick up, let alone try anything like this. I know she's always going to out maneuver me and manipulate anything I say to her advantage.  
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FallenOne
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« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2017, 11:27:27 AM »

Matt, What if she truly did care about you and it overwhelmed her so she had to leave. Then finding out you had died because you want to play a game on her led her to commit suicide? would you feel like you won? I doubt it. Sure these people can do terrible things. My ex sure did during the break up. That doesn't give me or you the right to do terrible or bad things. If you loved this person, you'd understand they are troubled and you'd wish them the best. Loving someone means being able to let them go. However I always look for the best in people and am still hung up on mine.

You're bitter and I get it you want her to feel the pain you feel. The best way to do that is to live the life you wanted to live with her independently.

No, I would feel terrible if she did that and the guilt would consume me... I already feel guilty from breaking up with her in the past. I don't want to cause her any harm. I just want her to acknowledge that I exist. She got a restraining order on me over nothing and I don't understand the level of hate that is being sent my way. Maybe her love for me did overwhelm her, or maybe not, I don't know... Maybe the relationship was too much for her to handle right now... I don't know the answers to this either and it's just speculation. But, it's really difficult not even having someone you were with for 4 years even acknowledge that you exist and that you did a lot of wonderful things for them.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #9 on: January 19, 2017, 08:45:19 AM »

I'm curious, but since they take no time to reflect, grieve or work on themselves after the relationship fails, and they move on to your replacement right away, do they carry the baggage of your failed relationship over to the new one and does it have negative effects on their new relationship?

I know that if I moved on to a new relationship while I was still dealing with the thoughts and emotions of my failed relationship, it would probably get in the way of the new relationship and cause problems in it.

Is this the same for BPD's? Since they take no time to learn from the mistakes they made, are they just going to plague their new relationship with our replacement? Is our replacement in a sense just a rebound relationship?

Is this replacement more about love or just more about their current needs that they have that they felt you couldn't meet at the moment?
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« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2017, 10:11:19 AM »

Matt,

 I think it would help if you stop thinking in terms of a healthy person (you) having a relationship with a monolithic robot.

 If you set aside the fact that she has BPD, and just look at the dynamics of a failed relationship where one person wants to go and one person wants to stay, you'll get an answer to your question.  She grieved the relationship during the relationship, and when the two of you split, her focus was on her new life.  Your focus, because you didn't grieve, because you were not leaver, is on the loss of the person.  This is the age-old story of love.

Not everything a BPD partner does is pathological. The eat, breathe, walk just like other humans.  They are highly unpredictable beings, just as you are, and as I am.

 Will really help to look at what happened in your relationship first in terms of normal pathology of two people.  Once you understand that, then you can start to look at how the tendencies of a person with this disorder influenced things.  And, you can look at how your own tendencies influenced it - many of us did dysfunctional things in the relationship too.

Don't buy into the urban legends that permeate the Internet - the negative or the positive.

To answer you question. Your gf likely grieved when you broke up with her when she was vulnerable (hospitalized). The getting together months later was likely a "rebound" - she was reaching out to you to resolve a painful breakup. When she started to resolve it, the resentment took over and she left. This is a pretty normal reaction. Whatever happened in the relationship was most likely dwarfed by the bedside breakup in the same way an affair will dwarf all the other wrongs in a failing relationship.

I suspect where the BPD is most coming to play is in her current efforts to become someone different to better reflect the people she is hanging out with. That is a BPDish type of thing. She is also likely trying to put your relationship in the past because the painful emotions of it are so overwhelming to her that she is running from them. Remember, you said she had PTSD.

Is her current relationship love or a rebound and is her life affected by the pains of your relationship with her... .No one can know, but it sounds like she is desperately trying to bury pain, more than she is trying to find herself. We are all capable of this - peBPD, more so.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2017, 11:14:45 AM »

To answer you question. Your gf likely grieved when you broke up with her when she was vulnerable (hospitalized). The getting together months later was likely a "rebound" - she was reaching out to you to resolve a painful breakup. When she started to resolve it, the resentment took over and she left. This is a pretty normal reaction. Whatever happened in the relationship was most likely dwarfed by the bedside breakup in the same way an affair will dwarf all the other wrongs in a failing relationship.

Give me your solid opinion on this... Was the relationship doomed from the beginning or did I myself doom the relationship when I left her in the hospital? Do you think the relationship would have continued to be rocky and eventually ended anyway (prolonging the inevitable) or was leaving her in the hospital really the end of it?

Remember, she didn't leave constantly like this until AFTER I went back to her AFTER I left her in the hospital. Up until this point, she was clingy and regardless of what happened did not leave...
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« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2017, 11:47:41 AM »

We talk about the BPD spectrum (ranging from traits, to disorder, to severe disorder) and your ex was hospitalized twice in a year. That suggest severe. Most exs here are on the lower end - pre-clinical. The disorder was a huge barrier to having a stable relationship.

Independent of that, breaking up with someone in the hospital, during the death of a parent, beating a child, having an affair - these are often non-recoverable events in relationships.

So, both are true.

I get why you are struggling with this. The last thing any of us want to hear is that we were left behind for good reason. Many members struggle with this very thing.

And I think a lot of us want a free pass. I didn't create this (relationship problem). As hard as we try, we don't ever convince ourselves - because in reality its a lot more complicated.

To me, I hear a guy struggling to understand some basic aspects of human nature. I'd might shift myself in that direction because it will help you going forward.
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« Reply #13 on: January 19, 2017, 01:56:04 PM »

I think they carry the baggage. However not in the way that's normal.

I think they use it for them being selfish. By that I mean, wow my ex was such a bad person because a,b,c. Man I'm so terrified of my ex, please new boyfriend protect me from my hurt and pain.

Meanwhile the real victim, us, is trying to pick up the pieces and are confused because we tried our best and wasn't a bad guy/chick at all. Then have to deal with the pain of them leaving, replacing, and painting us blacker than black.


So, back to the point. Yes they carry the baggage. However not in the same way most would, but for selfish reasons of getting attention.
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« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2017, 02:39:59 PM »

Man I'm so terrified of my ex, please new boyfriend protect me from my hurt and pain.

This happens a lot. Do you think it is a true belief or a manipulation or situation dependent?

Is it reasonable to be terrified if a partner broke up while you were in the hospital?

Hard questions... .
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FallenOne
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« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2017, 02:48:46 PM »

I'll admit I still feel guilt over breaking up with mine while she was in the psych hospital, but I was also pushed to my limit by her behavior and if I had broken up with her outside of the hospital, bad things might have happened... .It would have been a chaotic breakup.

But, at the same time, I still wish the relationship hadn't failed, and I feel like my choice to breakup with her in the hospital is why she kept leaving after going back to her  a few months later.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2017, 02:56:41 PM »

This happens a lot. Do you think it is a true belief or a manipulation or situation dependent?

Is it reasonable to be terrified if a partner broke up while you were in the hospital?

Hard questions... .

Mine did this with her ex's when she first got together with me, as well as her family members throughout the relationship any time they did something to make her angry or didn't support her.

It's hard to tell whether or not it's a manipulation tactic or if it just comes natural... Part of me believes that she was doing this because she wanted it to support her victim role, but also seemed to want to turn me against (or at least make me angry at) her family and/or ex's...

Part of me also thinks that her distorted thinking and her way of distorting memories of what REALLY happened (not what they think happened) makes them believe that they really were wronged somehow (in their mind)... .

Thoughts?
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« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2017, 03:35:33 PM »

Mine did this with her ex's when she first got together with me, as well as her family members throughout the relationship any time they did something to make her angry or didn't support her.

It's hard to tell whether or not it's a manipulation tactic or if it just comes natural... Part of me believes that she was doing this because she wanted it to support her victim role, but also seemed to want to turn me against (or at least make me angry at) her family and/or ex's...

Part of me also thinks that her distorted thinking and her way of distorting memories of what REALLY happened (not what they think happened) makes them believe that they really were wronged somehow (in their mind)... .

Thoughts?

Yeah I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I reflect on some of the things that happen, and find evidence of where it could be manipulative. However, at the same time I hear constantly that it's natural, and it's just a way to avoid shame... Then they kinda get caught in the tide and it ends up getting to the point where they end up making you all black, and feel justified on causing chaos.
Also, the new boyfriend/girlfriend I find tends to unknowingly enable the behavior.
In the end, the BPD gets the validation they want, and has someone to confirm their distorted view.

I think, either way they feel they were wronged. Whether it is distorted memories or a trigger. They feel, in their mind, that we deserve it. It's scary tbqh.

I always find it fascinating when mine has moments of clarity, starts idolizing, and realizes how horrible she's been. Doesn't last too long however.
Since mine has new supply, I don't see mine having a moment of clarity again. Who knows. Not the first time I've been surprised. I expect it would only happen if the new supply is painted black.  
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« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2017, 03:37:33 PM »

I genuinely believe they believe what they say.

At the end of our relationship after goading and poking me so I blew up on her my ex ran out of her flat into her neighbour's (who she then started (was already?) to date) saying I was being violent towards her. I don't think I have to tell anyone here that I've never ever raised a hand to anyone and violence is simply not in my nature. But because I lost my temper and shouted at her, she then had all the justification she needed to paint me black.

Now 10 years on and she's back, she's telling me she's scared of her husband (alluding that he's violent towards her) - I know she's not been happy (surprise!) in this relationship for years (and I know he drinks a lot and gets wasted all the time - I'm guessing because he's so miserable) and she's now trying to paint him black in the hope I'll step in and save her. Knowing what I do know of her, she'll have pushed all his buttons and whatever's happened behind closed doors she's using again as justification to paint her partner black. And due to the bullying nature of these people I'm also guessing there's no truth in him being violent as the BPDs like people who have weaker boundaries and are more likely to lie down and take it.

However, as with a lot of these BPDs they have limited memories and she doesn't remember I've been on the other end of her accusations so I'm immune to her drama, however I do recognise she genuinely believes what she says. And it's scary because I know for a fact there was simply no basis whatsoever for the things she accused me of.

They seem to be completely blind or have a genuine mental/emotional/social black spot for their own actions and so after pushing and goading their partner and the partner reacts in a negative way they then see themselves justified to accuse.

They know all their rights as an individual but none of their responsibilities to those who they interact with.  
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« Reply #19 on: January 19, 2017, 03:44:49 PM »

Part of me also thinks that her distorted thinking and her way of distorting memories of what REALLY happened (not what they think happened) makes them believe that they really were wronged somehow (in their mind)... .

i think its good advice to take BPD out of the equation here.

how many of us have ever behaved in a manipulative fashion? we werent necessarily conscious of it, but if called on it would probably admit it. whyd we do it? not necessarily because we had bad intentions, but more or less because it worked.

im not saying thats necessarily the case here. victimhood tends to come from a pretty strong conviction, and is often part of the belief system of a person with BPD.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #20 on: January 20, 2017, 08:35:36 AM »

They seem to be completely blind or have a genuine mental/emotional/social black spot for their own actions and so after pushing and goading their partner and the partner reacts in a negative way they then see themselves justified to accuse.

Mine would do/say things that she knew would upset me or hit a nerve and she would keep poking at me until I exploded... .Once I exploded or defended myself, I was the bad person suddenly... .Sound familiar?
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FallenOne
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« Reply #21 on: January 20, 2017, 09:02:52 AM »

Did any of your ex's say "I love you" excessively? As in multiple times a day or more.

Mine started saying it after about two weeks into the relationship...

And once it started, she said it constantly. If I ever didn't say it back, she glitched out, started to worry and became insecure as if I didn't love her...

If I said it back in a way that sounded unenthusiastic, this also made her worry...

Did anyone else experience this?
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« Reply #22 on: January 20, 2017, 09:49:38 AM »

Yes.
Word for word.
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« Reply #23 on: January 20, 2017, 09:57:22 AM »

Did any of your ex's say "I love you" excessively? As in multiple times a day or more.

Mine started saying it after about two weeks into the relationship...

And once it started, she said it constantly. If I ever didn't say it back, she glitched out, started to worry and became insecure as if I didn't love her...

If I said it back in a way that sounded unenthusiastic, this also made her worry...

Did anyone else experience this?


My experience was different.  My ex would not say it unless she was prompted.
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« Reply #24 on: January 20, 2017, 10:44:39 AM »

 Two weeks into relationship... .maybe three, she tells me she loves me... .via text msg, on her way back home from my place... .yeah, a text msg... .these daze, its I love you, I don't know what I would do without you, to... .(split black) I hate you, I loathe you, I am getting a divorce from you, we are at mile marker 9+ years now, six years married... .we were both previously married, me 21 years, her 20 years... .
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« Reply #25 on: January 20, 2017, 01:21:38 PM »

I was with mine for 4 years. After 7 months of heaven, the trouble began to manifest itself as some anger problems. At first I thought she had anger management problems... It started as impatient reactions to things. She was very impatient with daily tasks, her responsibilities, and me... Then the mood swings started...

After 9 months, the random outbursts of anger began turning into arguments that were blown out of proportion and escalated. This led to a few breakups.

It continued like this for the next few years. Sometimes there were periods of at least a few months where barely anything happened that were pretty good times.
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« Reply #26 on: January 20, 2017, 02:00:49 PM »

At the time it was kind of different. Our relationship started out long distance. So I attributed the strange 6 hour phone calls and hundreds of emails everyday to the distance.
The more flags that appeared I will still able to dismiss them.
Then after we moved in together the problems were attributed to health conditions, or being unemployed or going to school.
Aspergers diagnosis which I think now was BS I think her diagnosis was worse.
There was always an excuse for her behavior.

It wasn't until it was all over the BPD came up for me.
Every day it becomes clearer and clearer that this was her problem all along.
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« Reply #27 on: January 20, 2017, 02:13:44 PM »

Mine was good for the first 4 months.

Then I got emotional one day, and she broke up with me.  It always seemed like everytime I had a break down she left me.

I wonder if she thought that was a sign of abandonment.  She told me she left people before they could leave her.  It was only fair to her I guess.

I got back together with her the same day she broke up with me then we were good again for another 3 months.  I maybe accused her of not loving me because she would always put me in lose lose situations so she left me again.

Then off for a couple months and back on as friends with benefits.  Then I had another breakdown and she left a few days after that.
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« Reply #28 on: January 20, 2017, 02:24:06 PM »



Then I got emotional one day, and she broke up with me.  It always seemed like everytime I had a break down she left me.



I will add my ex was never there for me either. I could not have an off or down day.
Had to be up and on all the time for her. Completely rock solid stable.
It became a way of life. burring my own feelings and being there for her.
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« Reply #29 on: January 20, 2017, 02:33:35 PM »

Opposit for me.

I would always say it too much.  Then she would never say it back after a while. I think she became annoyed by that.

We started saying it after the first month.
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« Reply #30 on: January 20, 2017, 02:34:17 PM »

Then I got emotional one day, and she broke up with me.  It always seemed like everytime I had a break down she left me.

Then off for a couple months and back on as friends with benefits.  Then I had another breakdown and she left a few days after that.

What do you mean by breakdown? What kind of breakdown?
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« Reply #31 on: January 20, 2017, 02:39:34 PM »

I will add my ex was never there for me either. I could not have an off or down day.
Had to be up and on all the time for her. Completely rock solid stable.
It became a way of life. burring my own feelings and being there for her.

I got the same thing from mine... When I was pissed about something, she thought it was her fault or something that she did, and wouldn't believe me when I said it wasn't her causing it... Sometimes she left the house when I got upset, or would get snippy and pissy... I was having a bad day a few days just before the most recent breakup a month ago... I woke up in a bad mood one day and a few days later she left me... I also had to be on my best behavior all the time.
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« Reply #32 on: January 20, 2017, 02:40:31 PM »

What do you mean by breakdown? What kind of breakdown?

I would just be having a bad day and need a shoulder to cry on so a i would go to her for comfort.  She would tell me it's ok to cry, but then pull a 180 and leave me.

I was not getting much sleep at this time and being with her made things hard. I loved her to death, but then at the drop of a hat I seemed to get emotional. Mostly because lack of sleep.
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« Reply #33 on: January 20, 2017, 03:22:34 PM »

Quoting her:

"I know it's only been a few weeks, but I am in love with you."

It was often, sometimes in our relationship when it was the most appropriate times. Then this past year it was less and less. But even when she went to "leave me" last May and September she said she still loved me. So she never actually left. But this week, she really left me and I realized she hadn't said it to me in probably 2 months.
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« Reply #34 on: January 20, 2017, 05:00:30 PM »

Mostly because lack of sleep.

This is huge! In hindsight, I realize that I was not getting enough sleep. If it wasn't the kids keeping me awake, it was him or, I was staying up to get work done.

It is really difficult to pinpoint when the turbulence started. There were rough patches here and there during our marriage. I feel like I caused most of them because I was wanting and needing more. Usually, it was because I was having a down time and needed some support. It seemed like I had to be the rock. If I couldn't be the rock, then things would get weird. Once I would gather myself and return to being the rock, everything would stabilize.

That was really exhausting. Things took their final plunge when I had pretty much had enough of him being unavailable to help me with basic things. I was tired and I just couldn't keep my head about me any longer. When he was down or having a rough time, I supported him and took up the slack. He couldn't do the same for me.
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« Reply #35 on: January 20, 2017, 05:14:35 PM »

Hi All.

I think I remember someone on this site saying that when a pwBPD says that they love you, what they are really meaning is 'tell me you love me.' That puts a whole new complexion on things for me.

LW
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« Reply #36 on: January 20, 2017, 06:03:01 PM »

I will add my ex was never there for me either. I could not have an off or down day.
Had to be up and on all the time for her. Completely rock solid stable.
It became a way of life. burring my own feelings and being there for her.


Ditto! My ex was very self-centered when it came to supporting through difficulty. She was supportive when a close family member died, but that was the only time that she let me be vulnerable and supported during our 2 years.

And, I figured out we never went beyond three weeks without some sort of fight which would be followed by her silent treatment. I don't miss that crap at all.
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« Reply #37 on: January 20, 2017, 07:34:08 PM »

I see a lot of stories about them not being very supportive of you during hard times and bad days, but expecting your unquestioned support...

Mine definitely needed a constant supply of support, and I gave her a lot of support most of the time... She eventually expected my support though... However, when I was going through a hard time, she was actually pretty supportive most of the time as well...

I had lost a few jobs, father was in the hospital, a friend passed away... I got really depressed and emotional when some of this stuff happened, and she was pretty understanding about it.

Is this uncommon?

Because I'm reading a lot about them bailing on people and being harsh when their partners needed support.
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« Reply #38 on: January 20, 2017, 10:31:46 PM »

Matt,

Yes, I think it happens as a result of their disorder, they don't do it intentionally.  I don't know if you've been able to do much reading here on this web site, but there is an awesome amount of information.  In addition, there are a lot of insightful people who can answer questions you have.  From my personal experience, my husband would feel abandoned (you may know that's a significant source of distress for them) if my attention was diverted to someone or something else other than him.  When I was pregnant he would anticipate abandonment when the baby was born.  When I returned to college to finish my education, he felt abandoned as a result of the time I needed to put into that.  I did not know Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) the time that he had BPD, I couldn't understand the lack of support-I just assumed he was going to help.  I realize now how lousy our communication skills were.  I think the key is to learn how to change your  interaction with them rather than to try to change them.  I don't think I communicated exactly what I needed from him, & I felt a lot of resentment when he didn't try to help.  Don't take things personally, but remember they are disordered, so they put most of their energy towards just surviving in the world.  They may not be capable of anticipating the needs of others like the nons are, due to the disordered thinking. Hope this helps, CM
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« Reply #39 on: January 20, 2017, 10:38:39 PM »

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Cookie Monster 

Well, what I meant to ask is if it's uncommon for them to be supportive when I'm going through a hard time, because mine was fairly supportive.
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« Reply #40 on: January 20, 2017, 11:22:21 PM »

Matt,

I see.  I'm glad she was supportive.  That 's just my experience, so maybe I shouldn't make a blanket statement.  I have read some of the stories you described as well, but I'm sure everyone is different, pwBPD or not. CM
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« Reply #41 on: January 21, 2017, 06:09:48 AM »

Hi Matt,

My ex was certainly capable of being supportive and kind. There were also times - when she was dysregulated or overwhelmed - when she was very selfish and very destructive.

When we first come here most of us are struck by the similarities in our experiences. It can be very soothing to realise that others share many of our experiences.

But when we validate our own perspective by just focusing on our exes dysfunction we can lose sight of  that fact that our exes are all individuals, shaped by a complex interplay of genetics and environment. Some were higher functioning than others, many are undiagnosed and while they may display some BPD symptoms and behaviour - they don't fit all the criteria. Some are diagnosed and working on their recovery, which also presents huge challenges to both partners.

Validating our feelings is an important step in healing but when we just focus on the disorder we can also overlook our own part in what happened. There's reasons for this. Looking at our own behaviour can feel overwhelming when we're struggling to process intense feelings of grief and pain caused by rejection, betrayal or the loss of our relationship. In initial stages of grief it can feel very invalidating to be told that we also contributed to what happened.

But it's always easier to focus on the another person dysfunction and shift all responsibility elsewhere. The uncomfortable truth is that many of us were drawn to these relationships because of our own issues. You have recognised that you felt a strong need to rescue your ex - that you were drawn to her dependency. This was true of me and many others here. What need does that fulfil in you? What's the payoff?

Learning about the BPD helped me but learning more about myself really helped me understand the dynamic in my relationship much better and see it with more compassion.

When I look back at my relationship now I recognise while I could be supportive, kind and loyal I could also be selfish, destructive and controlling. Relationships and the people involved are complex and contradictory - not black and white stereotypes. When I really accepted this truth I realised that I was growing.

Good luck

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« Reply #42 on: January 21, 2017, 10:22:54 AM »

I've been going no contact for a month now. It's hard, especially since I was the one broken up with and at the time I didn't want it to happen. I still think about her daily. It just came out of nowhere overnight, which is what most others seem to experience too...

My no contact is forced though as mine filed a false restraining order which got passed for 18 months. I didn't deserve the restraining order, as I didn't do anything to her other than try to talk to her, but my attorney worked out a deal to satisfy both sides.

Anyway, even though she chose this, will it be harder for her in the long term to stay no contact? For others who have been in this situation, did they revoke the order at some point before it ended? Is there a good possibility that she might have the order revoked before the 18 months is up?
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« Reply #43 on: January 21, 2017, 11:39:20 AM »

it hurts to be cut off, and the restraining order, serious as it is, probably feels like some major and undeserved overkill.

are you wanting to hear from her?
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« Reply #44 on: January 21, 2017, 11:42:29 AM »

are you wanting to hear from her?

Part of me does... Part of me doesn't... What I'm looking to know though is if other people had a similar situation and their ex changed their mind and revoked the order before it was expired... I guess I'm wondering what the chances are of that happening? Since I was painted black at the time she did this, I am wondering if when her replacement pisses her off, she might try to revoke it... Not so much so that I can speak to her, but to know that she doesn't hate me and that she sees me in a positive light I suppose?
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« Reply #45 on: January 21, 2017, 11:51:11 AM »

I got really depressed and emotional when some of this stuff happened, and she was pretty understanding about it.

Is this uncommon?

Because I'm reading a lot about... .

i think this is the same line of thinking that was mentioned - looking at her in terms of a monolithic robot.

there are millions of people with BPD (approximately 14 million in america) that are all very different individuals. there are millions of stories on this board, too, in which you will find commonality to be certain, but literally millions of behaviors that may be contradictory to, or not apply to your ex. its a bit of a rabbit hole to use someone else, or someone elses experience, as a proxy.

people with BPD can be very caring and supportive, as much as anyone else. they are teachers, therapists, volunteers, caretakers, etc. mine especially loved to take care of sick loved ones, and was perhaps the most thoughtful gift giver ive ever met.

they also struggle with their own emotions and when our emotions are heightened, especially toward loved ones, its difficult to put ourselves in someone elses shoes and show support. we have probably all been there. when im depressed, nothing feels more invalidating or draining than someone dumping their problems on me, and i have trouble conjuring the compassion to even hear them.

does this help?
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« Reply #46 on: January 21, 2017, 11:59:47 AM »

lots of people have had similar situations, but i doubt any of them inform what your ex will or wont do.

Not so much so that I can speak to her, but to know that she doesn't hate me and that she sees me in a positive light I suppose?

so youre wondering if she will ever see you in a positive light? i get that, and in fact i would bet on it. whether seeing you in a positive light will be a fleeting moment, or something more permanent is impossible to say. but i know its pretty surreal to have a loved one see you this way, it hurts to the core.

reading between the lines, it also sounds like you would take her reaching out as an indication she sees you in a positive light?
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« Reply #47 on: January 21, 2017, 12:44:01 PM »

I think the pros here already covered it, but I'll just add personally my ex was one of the most caring people I ever met. I am still learning, but doesn't this apply to the concept of authentic and false selves? Even though all traits our partners are part of who they are, isn't being unsupportive often the defense mechanism too? There were times when my ex was repulsed by my emotions and needs because she rejects those things in herself so badly. I feel her kindness was part of the authentic self she was building, to help others to heal herself.
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« Reply #48 on: January 21, 2017, 12:46:02 PM »

Not to invalidate th crummy aspects you experienced, Matt. People are still responsible for their behavior
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« Reply #49 on: January 21, 2017, 06:37:08 PM »

I guess the answer is that it is a spectrum disorder so it depends on where the person falls on the spectrum. I can tell you that my uBPDw was very supportive in all things that did not involve any dissatisfaction that I might have with her or things relating to her.
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« Reply #50 on: January 22, 2017, 02:16:28 AM »

As others have said its on a spectrum also not every pwBPD has all nine traits so some of the traits that are associated with selfishness may not be in all pwBPD.

I think it depends on how badly negativity affects them. Some pwBPD seem to mirror our moods so if were happy they are and if were sad they are. I don't think this is intentional mirroring but more of a contagious effect that others moods have on them. If they aren't affected that strongly then I can see that they can be supportive but if negativity does affect them then when were having a bad time they will change to that mood and mindset.
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« Reply #51 on: January 22, 2017, 06:29:09 AM »

Hi Matt, I went through a very difficult mental breakdown when xw and I were married, couldn't hold a job, bad depression, drinking, it was a very painful dark spot in my life. This was a result of xw's cruel sinister emotional abuse. She took every chance to abuse me, crush me, treat me like a dog, she looked at me as weak, I begged her for help she just looked at me and laughed. When she left I was an emotional mental disaster. Several years down the road from this mental nightmare I was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor. Xw was very different, her deep down intention was sinister but on the surface it was full of love, I clearly see that she was baiting me, it was the idealization phase, I was convinced we were going to be a couple again, I loved her very much and wanted us to be a family and she knew it. She very cruelty placed this in my lap knowing she was never going to make us a family. When I was discharged from the hospital after 2 major brain surgeries xw left me up in the city 185 miles from home, I had to call my family who I left out of my life and they came to get me. Xw was furious and very abusive but she wasn't done with me, she took me into her home for the community to see, looked after me, gave me all the sex I wanted, fed me, we were a family but xw was only hatching her plan of decietfulness. The devalue and push pull kicked in with her, I was a mental mess, but I got back on my feet asked her to be a couple again go to counselling,  she got into an abusive rant and discarded me in a most sinister way.
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« Reply #52 on: February 01, 2017, 01:21:12 AM »

Staff only

This thread has been locked due to reaching its post limit.  

The discussion is continued here

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305603.0
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