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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: This just doesn't makes any sense - 3  (Read 3574 times)
FallenOne
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« on: January 22, 2017, 10:28:58 AM »

There were a few times that I left mine, which were usually following a blowup from an argument where I just left. The few times that mine left me though, I was always blindsided by it and never saw it coming.

But she had a pattern of certain things that she said when she left...

"I love you, you're intoxicating, but you're not good for my mental health"

"I need to work on my mental health" "We can't be together, I need to work on myself"

"My main concern right now is my mental health"

"I can't be with you right now, maybe someday"

What do you all see here? Did she just feel like she was too overwhelmed to handle both her own problems and the relationship at the same time? Is that possibly what this meant?

Why the "maybe" and leaving the door open?

Did any of your ex's say things like this when they left?


Prior:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304431.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305602.0
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2017, 10:39:47 AM »

Seems like lots of pwBPD, even if they cannot handle the intimacy of a relationship, they are constantly seeking parental love or unconditional love from all persons or are hating the person, feeling them to be "unsafe" with their emotions.

Often when there is a split up and one is mad at the pwBPD, the pwBPD lure the other back, so that things are not left on the other persons terms, but left on the pwBPD terms.

Meaning... .
They rather not do anything to provoke being rejected or abandoned
They rather leave than be left even if they have to create a recycle to get opportunity to be the dumper rather than the dumpee.
Even after a break up, they often still want to be loved and desired, and may state things in an ambiguous way so that the other person may still be allowed to desire after them now, or at some point. 

I think the book title that states this well is: I hate you, Don't leave me.

That kinda captures it all.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2017, 11:56:42 AM »

reading between the lines, it also sounds like you would take her reaching out as an indication she sees you in a positive light?

It would just be nice to know that she remembers me in a good way and doesn't see me as just all bad.

But mostly, I am wondering if she will ever change her mind and revoke the order before it expires.
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2017, 02:21:48 PM »

Oh yes, ex told me that a lot towards the end.

He was in a program for SA and he would tell me, "I can't work on our relationship right now. I have to focus on my issues." It would infuriate me because we had been married for 15 or 16 years at that point. We have four friggin' kids together! You don't get to take time off for mental health. Being a parent is a 24/7 job. Alas, he is off rediscovering himself and "healing".

It would baffle me that he would use his program and recovery as an excuse to be rude and disrespectful to me. I remember thinking, ":)ude, I am NOT asking you for a major effort here. I am just wanting you to be a little bit nicer and show me a little bit of consideration. When I challenge you on something, don't call me a b***h." That seemed like too much to ask because it detracted from his "healing". His healing and his mental health became an excuse for everything. I think he was just too overwhelmed with life because he doesn't have very good coping skills. He is easily overwhelmed.

Most people told me that I wasn't asking enough of him. Yet, he acted like I was asking for the moon. It boils down to the fact that he WAS overwhelmed. It didn't matter that I wasn't asking for much.

It was like he would use his "healing" or whatever it was he was doing as an excuse. It would make me so mad. I wanted to scream at him, "What about MY healing? What about the pain that I have endured because of the stuff you have said and done to me?"

He would spout off stuff like, "Everyone in the program says that you have to give it a year before you can make any kind of decision about the relationship." I allowed myself to be put off like that for a couple of years. I am finally the one that said, "No more." I feel like he kept things in that ambiguous state so that he didn't have to work at it. By keeping things in limbo, he was able to avoid grieving the loss of the relationship. And, he could keep some kind of hope that I would still be there.

I don't think I made any kind of real progress until I decided that I was done. He didn't leave me. I kicked him out. If I hadn't kicked him out, he would still be here and he and I would still be doing a dysfunctional dance with him waiting for him to s**t or get off the pot.

I feel like he left the door open in case he couldn't find anything better. That sucked and it hurt. I felt like I would do if he didn't find anything better. Now, I have closed the door. I am done.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2017, 02:46:30 PM »


His healing and his mental health became an excuse for everything. I think he was just too overwhelmed with life because he doesn't have very good coping skills. He is easily overwhelmed.

Same here... Exact same things. She would use her mental health condition to avoid looking for jobs, avoid going to school, avoid going out with me, avoid trying to get back custody of her son... Everything... Everything in life that she wanted to avoid or get out of doing, her mental health was always the reason... Yet she would talk about how these were huge goals for her, yet she would never do much to attain them.

She was also overwhelmed with everything... Normal day to day tasks that we all do overwhelmed her. She was very impatient with things and got frustrated very easily and would sometimes give up on things.

If she did leave because she felt too overwhelmed with both the relationship and her own problems, then that was a stupid choice on her part, because I didn't expect her to give me any special treatment and I would have supported her and stood by her, and I would have put my own needs aside (yet again) for her during this time... So I don't know why she would have felt she needed to either work on herself OR the relationship, but not both... .So confusing
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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2017, 03:24:15 PM »

HI Matt, the turbulence started after we moved in together. It bumped up quiet a bit after we married than right crazy out of control after she got pregnant and crazy after our son was born. Xw put crazy unrealistic demands on me and when I couldn't meet those demands Xw pulled the pin.
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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2017, 05:10:32 PM »

Mine was very caring and the first to offer support if someone was sick or something bad happened. I got laid off while I was dating mine and she was super supportive and a source for optimism. I got a new job soon after and had to work in the UK for a week. She cheated on me with her ex while telling me how much she missed me etc... .

I'm not sure if being supportive was just another item in their manipulation toolbox or that in that particular moment they are really nice people. Mine would turn into another person depending on who was in front of her. Was like if I left her vision, I might as well have never existed. Sometimes I think she wasn't lying when she was telling me certain things, but had some kind of mental block on them.

For instance - I wanted her to prove that she had not cheated on me... .So, I asked her to do this: Text your ex-bf this question: ":)o you remember the last time we kissed " ... .she showed no hesitation or worry and happily did it. About a min later, his texts comes back " Of course, it was just a couple weeks ago when you came over." .She seemed sincerely shocked.
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« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2017, 05:30:49 PM »

Hi Matt,
   Question: did your ex file the order after you started posting on these boards?

I ask this because I see a lot of me in you, especially in the early stages of a breakup. I completely understand how hard this is and what you must be feeling.

You need to stop wondering if she will come back. I know it's hard. Mine hasn't said a word in two years and made me look insane to close associates, friends and family.

Partially I was. I was obsessed in clearing my name which only made me look more guilty.

Would you honestly take her back after a restraining order?

Think about it. Why would you even want to have contact?

After my final break I realized this person caused so much collateral damage in my life if I ever took her bank I'd lose ALL the people who stood by me, my credibility and possibly my life.

She isnt worth it.

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« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2017, 05:50:51 PM »

NC is an interesting ball of ideas.
When a pwBPD does it is usually a form of abuse/punishment or it could be that they can't deal with the pain of you. Or something in between.
Usually when Non's go NC it is so they can disconnect and reconnect with themselves.
This is all very simplistic.

I think for both parties the breakup is especially grievous. It may appear different but the pain is equally real.
I believe that both parties start to come to their senses around the 6 month mark.
And usually by 9 to 12 months one might try to undo the damage. Whether this is your or them; undoing the restraining order.
There is a good amount of healing then, but the key is not to mistake the healing (from both sides) and a reinitiating of the relationship. 

In the early bit, I can't stress enough; connect to friends and family. Go out and breathe the air.
It is okay to dwell. But think of it as a long road you both traveled and you hit the dead end. It is okay to think about the road and the journey.
Now it is time to start thinking about a new destination. Friends and family can help.

You post a lot of good questions. Good luck to you.
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« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2017, 06:32:53 PM »

Mine was very caring and the first to offer support if someone was sick or something bad happened. I got laid off while I was dating mine and she was super supportive and a source for optimism. I got a new job soon after and had to work in the UK for a week. She cheated on me with her ex while telling me how much she missed me etc... .

A lot of those suffering from BPD have abandonment issues. She probably did miss you intensely - BPDs can find being on their own terrifying - so she tried to soothe her feelings of abandonment by hooking up with an ex.

Excerpt
I'm not sure if being supportive was just another item in their manipulation toolbox or that in that particular moment they are really nice people. Mine would turn into another person depending on who was in front of her. Was like if I left her vision, I might as well have never existed. Sometimes I think she wasn't lying when she was telling me certain things, but had some kind of mental block on them.

Unstable sense of self or (uncertainty about who you are) is another BPD trait. This lack of a stable self means they often mould themselves to suit the people around them. Object constancy - an inability to maintain an internal image of someone when they're no present - is another trait. My ex used to joke her out of sight out of mind feelings.

Someone suffering from borderline doesn't chose these behaviours and they can actually cause them a lot of pain but they can be very confusing and difficult for their partners.

Excerpt
For instance - I wanted her to prove that she had not cheated on me... .So, I asked her to do this: Text your ex-bf this question: ":)o you remember the last time we kissed " ... .she showed no hesitation or worry and happily did it. About a min later, his texts comes back " Of course, it was just a couple weeks ago when you came over." .She seemed sincerely shocked.

I know this isn't funny but it's so surreal it made me laugh. I can imagine it must have been very difficult for you

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« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2017, 07:39:38 PM »

Wow... .mine was not there for me either, although I think that was most acute when I was doing something she herself didn't like about herself. I remember once I was so down I was almost suicidal. Her response was to tell me off for being such a killjoy.

On another occasion, she spent two days with anxiety (me doing all I could to comfort her) but then got very upset and ultimately broke up with me because I was down for an hour following some bad news.

She herself was so depressed she was on anti-depressants, yet couldn't stand to see it in me.

I think it was because she hated seeing herself.

Tthe turbulence started as soon as we started messaging each other. She would get offended very easily. Then she wouldn't get serious, yet would be upset at any sign I wasn't there for her. After 4-5 months we had our first breakup. I had to beg her to come back, she spent 2 hours "testing" me before holding my hand and telling me she missed me.

That cycle then repeated itself for the rest of our two years together.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2017, 09:38:43 PM »

Hi Matt,
   Question: did your ex file the order after you started posting on these boards?

I was posting here for advice before all of this happened. But I wasn't posting often until now.

She isnt worth it.

It's so depressing for me because we made so much progress and came so far, invested four years, and it ended over something so stupid that could have been resolved so easily... That's what I'm struggling with.

I also feel like I will never find someone else and that the damage is too great to find anyone else.
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« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2017, 10:39:51 PM »

Seems like lots of pwBPD, even if they cannot handle the intimacy of a relationship, they are constantly seeking parental love or unconditional love from all persons or are hating the person, feeling them to be "unsafe" with their emotions.

Often when there is a split up and one is mad at the pwBPD, the pwBPD lure the other back, so that things are not left on the other persons terms, but left on the pwBPD terms.

Meaning... .
They rather not do anything to provoke being rejected or abandoned
They rather leave than be left even if they have to create a recycle to get opportunity to be the dumper rather than the dumpee.
Even after a break up, they often still want to be loved and desired, and may state things in an ambiguous way so that the other person may still be allowed to desire after them now, or at some point. 

I think the book title that states this well is: I hate you, Don't leave me.

That kinda captures it all.
Yup! 100% agreed! I feel this is what my ex did with me.
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michel71
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« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2017, 10:55:29 PM »

I find that pwBPD have a lot of excuses for EVERYTHING.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #14 on: January 22, 2017, 11:13:24 PM »

Everything in life that she wanted to avoid or get out of doing, her mental health was always the reason.

If it wasn't his mental health, it was his physical health. I could ask him for help on something small and I would get, "Let me go to the bathroom first." By the time he got out, I had it done. Or, he would be too tired or too this or too that.

Excerpt
She was also overwhelmed with everything... Normal day to day tasks that we all do overwhelmed her.

People used to get on my case because our yard would go without being mowed for long periods of time. They would ask ME why he hadn't done it. People would ask ME to explain his behavior because they didn't understand how a man could do so little so regularly. I was in a no win situation. There was one time when there was an issue with some shingles that needed cleaned up from a roof replacement. I dug my heals in and refused to do it. Usually, I would do stuff just so people would stop asking me about stuff. The shingles were a year long battle. He would say it was too hot. Then winter came and it was too cold. Our oldest daughter stepped in and did it. He helped her a little. She and I ended up doing it together. It was so ridiculous. In hindsight, I can't believe I tolerated so much.

Excerpt
If she did leave because she felt too overwhelmed with both the relationship and her own problems, then that was a stupid choice on her part, because I didn't expect her to give me any special treatment and I would have supported her and stood by her, and I would have put my own needs aside (yet again) for her during this time... So I don't know why she would have felt she needed to either work on herself OR the relationship, but not both... .So confusing

Instead of asking why she left, maybe you should be asking yourself why you were so willing to put your needs aside for her. I know what it is like to want to do that. I did it for close to 20 years. I kept thinking that things would get better when <fill in the blank> happened. It could be job related, an illness, or something else. It seemed like there was some kind of reason to explain his behavior. Once one reason would be resolved, another would pop up. It was exhausting.

At some point, all of those unmet needs will sneak up on you and bite you in the butt.

I didn't understand why ex continued to seek other women. I was there. I was real. I had proven to him time and time again that I wasn't leaving. I had proven to him time and time again that there wasn't much I wouldn't do for him. All I wanted was a little bit of respect and consideration. Ultimately, I decided I couldn't do it any more. He used my devotion/loyalty/stupidness/blindness as an excuse to NOT do a darn thing different.

What was so great about her that you were willing to put your needs aside for her? (I have asked myself that question too many times to count.)
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« Reply #15 on: January 22, 2017, 11:15:36 PM »

I am coming to terms with the answer to that last question. What was so good about her... .? It wasn't her... .it was the idea of her.

Could that be the same for you?
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FallenOne
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« Reply #16 on: January 22, 2017, 11:55:33 PM »

What was so great about her that you were willing to put your needs aside for her? (I have asked myself that question too many times to count.)

Because when she wasn't going through something, she met my needs quite well... She only had a problem with meeting my needs, when she currently had needs... Her needs always came before mine it seemed. But when she didn't have anything going on, oh my, I was showered in a lot of attention and admiration... And the sex was fantastic. That's what I was afraid of losing... That's why i stuck it out for so long... Because I was always waiting for that time when she would put her focus on me.
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« Reply #17 on: January 23, 2017, 08:10:57 AM »

Because I was always waiting for that time when she would put her focus on me.

Did you enjoy the roller coaster ride?

Ultimately, that is what it is. It is a roller coaster ride where you are waiting for the highs. Over time, the highs got lower and lower until they became almost non-existent. When I tell people about some of the stuff that has happened, they paint ex black for me. I can't seem to get people to understand that he wasn't and isn't a monster. He used to be pretty awesome. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't think he was awesome.

Do you think there would ever be a time when she would go a significant period of time without something going on? Were you wanting to spend the rest of your life on that roller coaster ride?


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FallenOne
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« Reply #18 on: January 23, 2017, 08:35:03 AM »

Did you enjoy the roller coaster ride?

No... But I was willing to tolerate it...

Do you think there would ever be a time when she would go a significant period of time without something going on? Were you wanting to spend the rest of your life on that roller coaster ride?

Yes. There were significant periods of time where she has nothing going on with herself and was fairly balanced, but it never lasted more than a few months at most.

I would have yes... .She was the love of my life and this has not been easy to deal with.
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« Reply #19 on: January 23, 2017, 08:46:45 AM »

But I was willing to tolerate it.

Tolerating something isn't the same as enjoying it. Simply tolerating something can often lead to resentment in the long run. There were a lot of things that I could tolerate for love. At the end of the day, it wore me down.

Excerpt
Yes. There were significant periods of time where she has nothing going on with herself and was fairly balanced, but it never lasted more than a few months at most.

I know. I have been there. I have been in that place where I thought I was strong enough and patient enough. I have been in that place where I would have tolerated pretty much anything because I loved ex and we had kids together and blah, blah, blah. I don't know what changed in me to help me get over that. I think it was time and realistically seeing that if I didn't do something different, I would spend the rest of my life on that roller coaster ride with him. There might be great time and there might be not so great times. The roller coaster ride tends to get one in the mind set of walking on eggshells and trying to do whatever you can to get the person back to that good spot. I am so tired of living like that.

Excerpt
I would have yes... .She was the love of my life and this has not been easy to deal with.

Break ups aren't easy. Love is illogical at times. Hang in there! It will get better with time even if it doesn't feel like it. There are still days when I wonder, "What the heck have I done?" I know ex would be back here in a heart beat. I can't do that myself no matter how alluring.
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« Reply #20 on: January 23, 2017, 08:50:31 AM »

I have so many stories from that relationship are stranger than fiction. After being NC for nearly two months, the fog is finally lifting - and after you mentioned it was humourous, I admit laughing a little bit at the whole story felt kind of good. (:

I now have a sense of calm in my life and I'm starting to see all the things I have neglected while in this year long panic attack of a relationship.

 My relationship with her was a rollercoaster of recycling. I have honestly never seen someone lie so much before in my life. As a fixer, I wanted to understand everything, provide support, and make things better. Being in a situation where I would appear to have made some progress and put her on the healthy path, only to realize that the cycle would start all over again - was very painful.

While reading someone's post a week or so ago, I had a bit of what one could consider a "flashback" of a couple of events that transpired. I immediately recognized my high anxiety state that at one point in time was the normal for me, and I now have a better appreciation of my progress to my baseline.

Even if I never find a significant other, I will never be lonely enough to put myself through that. I might be single, but I'm not alone and have good friends that have supported me through everything.  I'm glad I had this experience as I have learned a lot about myself.

I still think about her every day, but I do not miss her at all. I have not lost anything as I never had anything to begin with. I truly feel sorry for her. She did not choose this disease. It's sad knowing that she will never be happy and will never have a relationship like the ones she dreams about. My heart goes out to her, but I cannot help her. Even though she has a clinical diagnosis that I have seen for myself, she still denies it to this day.

I saw her online dating profile the other day and she is actively setting up her cluster of guys. I feel sorry for whoever gets into her path of destruction.

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« Reply #21 on: January 23, 2017, 08:55:23 AM »

My ex was supportive during our breakup, turns out he only did that to hide something else. Someone else he wanted.
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« Reply #22 on: January 23, 2017, 09:11:55 AM »

Everything makes more sense if you understand that everything they do is for themselves.

They must satisfy their intense emotions at whatever cost. They will disassociate from things, forget you exist, break any promise, or betray any trust in the process.

They only exist in the moment. They have every feeling that nons do, but more intense.

 I have no doubt that my ex loved me more than anything - while I was in front of her. The min she ran to another guy, she loved him more than anything and would honestly believe I was the enemy. All it would take was an argument to get her going on that path. She would tell me she was visiting her sister and how much she missed and loved me while in bed with her ex ( I would find the text later ). I'm glad I'm not in that paranoia anymore.

I probably only know about 10% of what she actually did and I do not even want to guess what I don't know. I'm moving on.
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« Reply #23 on: January 23, 2017, 09:21:26 AM »

I have so many stories from that relationship are stranger than fiction. After being NC for nearly two months, the fog is finally lifting - and after you mentioned it was humourous, I admit laughing a little bit at the whole story felt kind of good. (:

I get you. There's can be an absurdity about these relationship that's hard to see when you're in the middle of the chaos but laughter can such a release from the tension and sadness.

Excerpt
I now have a sense of calm in my life and I'm starting to see all the things I have neglected while in this year long panic attack of a relationship.

Good for you. Well done

Excerpt
My relationship with her was a rollercoaster of recycling. I have honestly never seen someone lie so much before in my life. As a fixer, I wanted to understand everything, provide support, and make things better. Being in a situation where I would appear to have made some progress and put her on the healthy path, only to realize that the cycle would start all over again - was very painful.

You seem pretty self aware. Yeah I think when we're seeking validation from fixing others - I certainly did - our perceived failure do this can feel really traumatic.

Excerpt
While reading someone's post a week or so ago, I had a bit of what one could consider a "flashback" of a couple of events that transpired. I immediately recognized my high anxiety state that at one point in time was the normal for me, and I now have a better appreciation of my progress to my baseline.

Even if I never find a significant other, I will never be lonely enough to put myself through that. I might be single, but I'm not alone and have good friends that have supported me through everything.  I'm glad I had this experience as I have learned a lot about myself.

I still think about her every day, but I do not miss her at all. I have not lost anything as I never had anything to begin with. I truly feel sorry for her. She did not choose this disease. It's sad knowing that she will never be happy and will never have a relationship like the ones she dreams about. My heart goes out to her, but I cannot help her. Even though she has a clinical diagnosis that I have seen for myself, she still denies it to this day.

Very healthy and mature conclusions. I would say that she may choose to confront her illness in the future - she may not. Recovery is possible but it has to be self driven and it's a long haul without a guaranteed outcome. The key things is that you have no control over that.

Excerpt
I saw her online dating profile the other day and she is actively setting up her cluster of guys. I feel sorry for whoever gets into her path of destruction.

I agree though I suppose they have their own choices to make too and maybe some of them may need to learn the same lessons we did. The important thing now is you and it sounds like you have grown a lot from the experience.

Good luck and thanks for sharing

Reforming
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anothercasualty
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« Reply #24 on: January 23, 2017, 09:57:55 AM »



Break ups aren't easy. Love is illogical at times. Hang in there! It will get better with time even if it doesn't feel like it. There are still days when I wonder, "What the heck have I done?" I know ex would be back here in a heart beat. I can't do that myself no matter how alluring.

The statement above boils it all down. Breakups aren't easy and love is illogical at times. That whole "head vs heart" thing. Sheesh!
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tryingsome
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« Reply #25 on: January 23, 2017, 10:37:37 AM »

Here is the short and sweet of my experience:

My ex wBPD was easily able to provide support; if I lost my job she was right there giving me comfort. Other instances as well.

HOWEVER, if there was any emotional requirement on her end, nope... .nada. The situation was too overwhelming. As long as she did not take any emotional burden, it went smooth.
Hope that helps.
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Lakoda

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« Reply #26 on: January 23, 2017, 11:07:23 AM »

I see a lot of stories about them not being very supportive of you during hard times and bad days, but expecting your unquestioned support...

Mine definitely needed a constant supply of support, and I gave her a lot of support most of the time... She eventually expected my support though... However, when I was going through a hard time, she was actually pretty supportive most of the time as well...

I had lost a few jobs, father was in the hospital, a friend passed away... I got really depressed and emotional when some of this stuff happened, and she was pretty understanding about it.

Is this uncommon?

Because I'm reading a lot about them bailing on people and being harsh when their partners needed support.

I was never allowed to have a bad day. I always had to pretend nothing was wrong even though I was imploding inside. She would take me being upset very personal.

However... .

If there was a loss in the family or a situation with someone in the hospital she was there but barely. Long as I didn't bring her down.

So there is a difference between the two scenarios

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apollotech
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« Reply #27 on: January 23, 2017, 12:52:02 PM »

Matt,

Your ex sounded like, in those statements, that she was emotionally dysregulted, possibly due to engulfment. As a result of that, she put distance between y'all so that she could regain herself. As you said, you always were caught off-guard by this, which is understandable since it was/is based off of her emotional state at the time.

My ex never said stuff like yours, but she's do stuff to place distance between us. Her technique was to start a fight over nothing. Here's an example: we were traveling one time and at the hotel suite she said that my things were taking up too much counter space in the bathroom. The counter was about 8 feet long. My few items--razor, shaving cream, toothpaste/brush, deodorant, etc.--were probably occupying about 1 foot of space, if that. But, she needed distance, so she picked this to launch an argument. There is always BPD reasoning behind the madness. You cannot take what they do and/or say at face value; you have to look at the end results of such statements and/or actions.
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SuperJew82
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« Reply #28 on: January 23, 2017, 01:52:13 PM »

Everybody is different, mental illness or healthy.

If you want a rundown of unhealthy behaviours, here is what I observed:

Her name is Marie, she was very attractive, educated, worked as an RN. 27 years old. Very charismatic and articulate. Rough childhood. Mom was married 4 times. Story of her Mom taking off from her crazy father. Mentions of sexual abuse. She initially painted her family as a big loving group. That didn't last long.

1. Pathological Lying. Big lies, small lies, lies for no reason. During a moment of clarity she told me that sometimes she would tell a lie - and regret she said it right after it came out. She didn't really understand it. She only would come clean if it was strategic. So many things I just brushed off at first should have set red flags off.

2. Substance abuse. She stole my adderall so many times and lied about it. This is what led her to her official diagnosis - I hid mine and forced her to go see a doc and get her own Rx. The doc did a eval and sent her off with a BPD diag.

3. Inability to be alone - no sense of self. She was an RN and when she didn't have to work she would drop off her 3-year-old son and sleep most of the day. She didn't really have her own hobbies, friends, passions. She did want a family.

4. Creating a safety net of backup guys - She would have a couple of guys on the side at all times. Sometimes all it would take is a mild argument to have her wonder off. I found out about at least 3 guys during a year and a half - but I'm quite certain there were more.

5. Personality change when in front of someone else - when she was with an ex during one of our breakups, I was the bad guy. She would even try to convince them to start something with me.

6. When I would break up with her - she harassed/pursued me like no other. I have never seen anything like it, so I thought I must have been special or really meant something to her. Now I know that she prob did this with every relationship.

7. Projection - Pretty much everything she was guilty of, she saw in me. I had a substance abuse problem, I was cheating, etc... .

8. History of rocky relationships - they all seemed to have a crazy ending, not just the " let's go our separate ways " that I have experienced.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #29 on: January 23, 2017, 02:27:20 PM »

and at the same time, that indicates your significance. if she could cope, this wouldnt be necessary. we dont try to erase/remove/evict/provoke someone from our lives who means nothing to us.

If I have a lot of significance to her, then why did she leave me after four years over something so trivial and punish me in such a huge way where I can't even legally contact her?

Why didn't she just try to work it out with me like everything else that we worked through? That is the most frustrating thing to me... We went through so many hard times and survived them, and in the end, she broke it off over something incredibly stupid.
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