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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: BPD Final breakup  (Read 1047 times)
KarmaBabyX

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« on: February 19, 2017, 05:07:48 PM »

Hey everyone.
This is my first post.
I am in love with a man who I have a history with and who has treated me extremely badly, our relationship has now come to a final end. He has BPD with NPD traits and it was a very complex relationship because of this. I feel like I am separating his behaviour from him, and making allowances for his personality disorder. Because of this he has crossed many lines and made my life very difficult. I really just need to stop loving him as he isnt good for me. I have tried to help him but he isnt very interested in that and hasnt been making improvements, things have gotten very aggressive recently. I need to learn why this has happened and get over him. I am replaying everything in my head everyday and it just doesnt make sense. I know that this is the norm with these relationships, that people are left with PTSD after them, but I just cant seem to shake this love I have. He has treated me very badly, with the push pull dynamic, the trust issues, projection, splitting, major projection (he would play mind games and then accuse me of being the one doing that) He would accuse me of lying for weeks, get angry and aggressive for no reason etc etc yet still I miss him?
Our chemistry was amazing in the good times, it made me feel more alive than ever.
Now after months of him being paranoid that I would cheat on him and being nervous when I left the house because of that abandonment fear, he has "met someone else and they have a great connection" out of the blue?
Wtf happened our chemistry and devotion to each other?
Was I only drawn to him because I had an abusive childhood?

I just feel so fragile and so betrayed.

He has ruined my life.
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Keef
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated since late November 2016.
Posts: 143


« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2017, 06:23:02 PM »

Hello KarmaBabyX,
Welcome

This is my first post.
I'm glad you've made the decision to reach out. You've come to the right community.

I'm very sorry that you've been through this. Let me start here:
He has ruined my life.
While you're bound to feel this way, I sure did three months ago after having been discarded, it isn't really true. I can imagine it feels as if your ex owned you while you were in the relationship. You may have felt your power slipping through your fingers. Now that - if I get it right - you have separated, opportunities of a whole new life lie before you. Your goal now should be to heal, something your ex won't achieve by jumping from relationship to relationship.

It seems you've been reading quite a lot about the consequences of being involved with a partner with a personality disorder. It also seems you know yourself quite well. Be thankful and kind to yourself, many here, myself included, feel as if they've been robbed of their self after the breakup. The impact of such a relationship can be grim.

Are you seeing a therapist? It is of course important to repeatedly go over things on your own in your mind. But it also brings the risk of getting stuck. Could you describe your tools for detaching yourself from the thoughts of your ex?

He would accuse me of lying for weeks, get angry and aggressive for no reason etc etc yet still I miss him?
I hear those question marks. I know where you're coming from KarmaBabyX. It's baffling to be in this position. Have you read about 'trauma bonding'?

These things, and others you have mentioned in your detailed post, will clear up eventually.

Do keep reading the posts of others. And do keep posting. We are here to help, we know what all of this feels like!  

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infjEpic
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: In a new relationship
Posts: 245


« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2017, 07:30:51 PM »

Hey everyone.
This is my first post.

Welcome

Excerpt
I am in love with a man who I have a history with and who has treated me extremely badly, our relationship has now come to a final end.

This won't make much sense right now - but you are probably not in love with him.

In Endocrinological terms - you are addicted to adrenaline, serotonin and oxytocin.
Right now - you are experiencing withdrawal.

This is part of reason you feel so bad right now.
There are other reasons of course - betrayal, abuse and others. But the reason I mentioned this - instead of the betrayal and the abuse - is because you should understand that these are very powerful forces.
Very powerful.
But they not enduring forces.
 
The intensity of the pain you feel right now will lessen. And quite quickly.

That does not mean that the pain will disappear. It will not.
But hang in there right now - because it will become much less intense. And sooner than you expect.

Excerpt
He has BPD with NPD traits and it was a very complex relationship because of this. I feel like I am separating his behaviour from him, and making allowances for his personality disorder.

This is very natural.
It's difficult to accept that someone who professes to love us can be so callous.
Separating the person and the disorder - is a coping mechanism.

But this person, is both the good and the bad.
It's important that you accept this reality - because you must protect yourself, from any attempts he may make to recycle you into another relationship with him (which is very common in these disordered relationships)
 
Excerpt
Because of this he has crossed many lines and made my life very difficult. I really just need to stop loving him as he isnt good for me. I have tried to help him but he isnt very interested in that and hasnt been making improvements, things have gotten very aggressive recently.

I need to learn why this has happened and get over him.

What are your current beliefs as to why this happened?

Excerpt
I am replaying everything in my head everyday and it just doesn't make sense.

You have been in a relationship with a person who is disordered.
Right now, it will not make sense.

Their mental state lies on the borderline of sanity and insanity.

The most important thing you need to understand right now - is that this is not your fault.



Excerpt
I know that this is the norm with these relationships, that people are left with PTSD after them, but I just cant seem to shake this love I have. He has treated me very badly, with the push pull dynamic, the trust issues, projection, splitting, major projection (he would play mind games and then accuse me of being the one doing that) He would accuse me of lying for weeks, get angry and aggressive for no reason etc etc yet still I miss him?

Miss him yet, probably have a sense of relief not to be subjected to the callous abuse anymore.
It's very disorienting and confusing, isn't it?


Excerpt
Was I only drawn to him because I had an abusive childhood?

I will make a distinction between 'drawn to' and 'tolerated/stayed with', because the distinction is important in BPD relationships.

What were the reasons you were drawn to your ex?
What do you feel were the reasons you tolerated the abuse?

Have you been in other relationships, which you considered abusive?
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KarmaBabyX

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2017, 05:48:27 PM »

Hello KarmaBabyX,
Welcome
I'm glad you've made the decision to reach out. You've come to the right community.

I'm very sorry that you've been through this. Let me start here:While you're bound to feel this way, I sure did three months ago after having been discarded, it isn't really true. I can imagine it feels as if your ex owned you while you were in the relationship. You may have felt your power slipping through your fingers. Now that - if I get it right - you have separated, opportunities of a whole new life lie before you. Your goal now should be to heal, something your ex won't achieve by jumping from relationship to relationship.

It seems you've been reading quite a lot about the consequences of being involved with a partner with a personality disorder. It also seems you know yourself quite well. Be thankful and kind to yourself, many here, myself included, feel as if they've been robbed of their self after the breakup. The impact of such a relationship can be grim.

Are you seeing a therapist? It is of course important to repeatedly go over things on your own in your mind. But it also brings the risk of getting stuck. Could you describe your tools for detaching yourself from the thoughts of your ex?
I hear those question marks. I know where you're coming from KarmaBabyX. It's baffling to be in this position. Have you read about 'trauma bonding'?

These things, and others you have mentioned in your detailed post, will clear up eventually.

Do keep reading the posts of others. And do keep posting. We are here to help, we know what all of this feels like!  


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KarmaBabyX

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2017, 06:24:46 PM »

Thank you for the very interesting replies.    I am still learning how to navigate the site so bear with me.

I hadnt heard of trauma bonding, that is very interesting.  The chemical explanation is a good way of looking at it in different terms also.   Thought


I have started online counselling to get over the trauma of it all, but I am still breaking down in tears almost everyday... .I feel that (whether accurate or inaccurate) that it was his love for me that drove him insane. Which is why is it so hard to accept, it is a tragedy... .  Love shouldnt drive people APART?
IS this accurate?  It's the way it feels, but maybe I am being wishful and ignorant. 

I treated him like a king, maybe I was just too nice... .then after me looking after him and giving him everything he desired in the relationship, and walking on eggshells to protect his fragile feelings and sense of paranoia, he turns around afterwards and says that he was miserable the entire time?  What an ungrateful kick in the teeth!  Saying that I was abusive etc etc  (and every other name and accusation under the sun) Provoking me and taunting me and getting violent, then when I finally react he accuses me of being the angry one?  What planet are these people on? The distorted view he has of me and of how I treated him is literally scary.

I find it hard to understand why they cant see that they are projecting EVERYTHING... .it does not make sense to me. He does something nasty then accuses me of being the one doing it,  he cant ever see what he is doing?  Is it not just an act?

I once found myself in an abusive relationship before this and had zero trouble in leaving, and had no desire whatsoever to go back.  But this person has had a hold on me since I first met him 15 years ago. 
I just love everything about him-except this illness.

But surely even someone who isnt well mentally cant be stupid enough to not realise how much he is destroying someone, and even goes out of his way to be as nasty as possible to seemingly make me suffer?
A 5 year old would have more emotional intelligence than this.
Why me... .
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marti644
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 313


« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2017, 06:45:36 PM »

Hi Karma, hang in there and welcome to the family. I echo others here when I say you have taken a huge step by coming here and telling your story. Please read other posts. You are not alone and I can tell you how much this forum has improved my own mental health. For now, I suggest you focus on the last sentence of your latest post "A five year old would have more emotional intelligence than this. Why me?" Rooted in that comment and question is your starting point.
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KarmaBabyX

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2017, 07:06:35 PM »

For now, I suggest you focus on the last sentence of your latest post "A five year old would have more emotional intelligence than this. Why me?" Rooted in that comment and question is your starting point.


I will reflect on that... .

This quote on emotional intelligence is so true, "People with low emotional intelligence have little insight into how their own emotions might lead to problems. When things go wrong, their first instinct is to blame others. They often blame characteristics of the situation or the behaviors of other people for their actions. They might suggest that they had no other choice for what they did and that other people are simply not understanding their situation. This tendency to not take responsibility often leaves them feeling bitter and victimized."
The "Why me?" part though... .maybe I thought my love was enough. Enough to take away his insecurities. Enough to keep him happy, us happy. And that we were meant to be together... .that one big love... .

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KarmaBabyX

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2017, 07:09:41 PM »

Did he target me because I am softhearted and wear my heart on my sleeve? 
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marti644
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Posts: 313


« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2017, 07:13:21 PM »

Karma, I highly suggest you read more into the traits of BPD and how emotionally intelligent/mature they are. Understanding the disorder helped me understand the incapacities of my BPD-ex. Later I was able to answer the "why" question, your on the right track. Hang in there!
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marti644
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 313


« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2017, 07:16:58 PM »

Karma, that is a good starting point to answering the question. As you learn more about the dysfunctional relationship is with a BPD partner you can also begin to under your role in the relationship. Read about codependency. At this point though it's important to know that it is important to be upset, angry, and sad. This is part of a grieving process and it's important for you to feel these feelings, and not repress them. When I first came on the forum I found it very helpful to read many other stories. Lots of insight here.
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KarmaBabyX

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2017, 07:34:09 PM »

Yes, Ive read many books on BPD, stunted E.I. and other traits.
I thought if I read enough, helped him enough and loved him enough that we could beat it... .but he got worse and worse... .I later found out that people understanding them actually freaks them out :/
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vortex of confusion
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2017, 08:45:14 PM »

Yes, Ive read many books on BPD, stunted E.I. and other traits.
I thought if I read enough, helped him enough and loved him enough that we could beat it... .but he got worse and worse... .I later found out that people understanding them actually freaks them out :/

Welcome to the forums!

I have been out of a relationship of almost 20 years for about a year now.

It does get better with time. You can't love them enough or help them enough. Before I found out about BPD, I had this false notion that I just had to fix myself enough. I felt like I was broken because I couldn't love him enough or help him enough. One of the things that I realized is that ex is the type of person that will take and take and take. He doesn't seem to have any concept of what is normal. I fell for a lot of it because I knew that my sense of normal was skewed due to the my dysfunctional family of origin.

He didn't come with all of the big glaring red flags that I did. From an observers stand point, he was the perfect all American boy from the midwest that played football, was in scouts, etc. and so on. He had a wonderful resume. Me, not so much. I come from a family that puts the FUN in dysfunction.

Thinking about him as a 5 year old may or may not be helpful to you. The reason that I say that is because ex and I went to ONE counseling session together. I sat there and told her that I tend to view ex as a petulant child because that is how he acts more often than not. She told me to take him out of that box and she told him to step up and take some initiative. When I took him out of that box, I stopped being so loving and so understanding. He is a grown up and I needed to see him as a grown up, which meant that I should expect him to treat me like all of the other grown ups that I knew. He didn't get a special pass. It IS okay for me to want better. It IS okay for me to be hurt by his behavior.

It doesn't matter if his behavior is the result of a disorder, immaturity, or something else. I spent a lot of time researching and asking questions trying to fix myself or him or the situation. I think I was doing a lot of that as a way to run from the pain. No amount of understanding the WHY is going to change the fact that it hurts like crazy when somebody that you love treats you that way. I don't care why he did the things that he did. It happened and it hurts and I can't fix him.
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KarmaBabyX

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2017, 04:40:00 AM »

Yes Vortex, you have described exactly what is going on.
Thank you,  it is good to hear other peoples stories, each point of view helps.  It is hard to stop analysing it and move on.
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SuperJew82
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« Reply #13 on: February 21, 2017, 02:24:26 PM »

A note on the online therapy: I have done this as well, and it is helpful ( I use talkspace ) but nothing takes the place of seeing a real life traditional therapist. That has helped me out most of all.

This messageboard is a fantastic place to get support and to learn from others who might be wiser or more experienced than ourselves.

So many times have I read one of infjEpic's or another valuable contributor's post twice just to help sort out what I am feeling.
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