Hey everyone.
This is my first post.
I am in love with a man who I have a history with and who has treated me extremely badly, our relationship has now come to a final end.
This won't make much sense right now - but you are probably not in love with him.
In Endocrinological terms - you are addicted to adrenaline, serotonin and oxytocin.
Right now - you are experiencing withdrawal.
This is
part of reason you feel so bad right now.
There are other reasons of course - betrayal, abuse and others. But the reason I mentioned this - instead of the betrayal and the abuse - is because you should understand that these are very powerful forces.
Very powerful.
But they not
enduring forces.
The intensity of the pain you feel right now will lessen. And quite quickly.
That does not mean that the pain will disappear. It will not.
But hang in there right now - because it will become much less intense. And sooner than you expect.
He has BPD with NPD traits and it was a very complex relationship because of this. I feel like I am separating his behaviour from him, and making allowances for his personality disorder.
This is very natural.
It's difficult to accept that someone who professes to love us can be so callous.
Separating the person and the disorder - is a coping mechanism.
But this person, is both the good and the bad.
It's important that you accept this reality - because you must protect yourself, from any attempts he may make to recycle you into another relationship with him (which is very common in these disordered relationships)
Because of this he has crossed many lines and made my life very difficult. I really just need to stop loving him as he isnt good for me. I have tried to help him but he isnt very interested in that and hasnt been making improvements, things have gotten very aggressive recently.
I need to learn why this has happened and get over him.
What are your current beliefs as to why this happened?
I am replaying everything in my head everyday and it just doesn't make sense.
You have been in a relationship with a person who is disordered.
Right now, it will not make sense.
Their mental state lies on the borderline of sanity and insanity.
The most important thing you need to understand right now - is that
this is not your fault.I know that this is the norm with these relationships, that people are left with PTSD after them, but I just cant seem to shake this love I have. He has treated me very badly, with the push pull dynamic, the trust issues, projection, splitting, major projection (he would play mind games and then accuse me of being the one doing that) He would accuse me of lying for weeks, get angry and aggressive for no reason etc etc yet still I miss him?
Miss him yet, probably have a sense of relief not to be subjected to the callous abuse anymore.
It's very disorienting and confusing, isn't it?
Was I only drawn to him because I had an abusive childhood?
I will make a distinction between 'drawn to' and 'tolerated/stayed with', because the distinction is important in BPD relationships.
What were the reasons you were drawn to your ex?
What do you feel were the reasons you tolerated the abuse?
Have you been in other relationships, which you considered abusive?