Seeking help to better communicate with my mother

[butterflychick]

My mother was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager. She refuses treatment because therapists haven't helped her in the past. My stepfather passed away 10 months ago. She also refuses to go to grief support groups. The grief of losing her husband mixed with her BPD behaviors have made everyone in my family extremely worried about her. How can we communicate with her and get her the help she truly needs? There is so much more as I am sure you all can understand. My mother is the classic example of someone with BPD so there is always a conflict but my main concern is that she gets mental healthcare for her grief.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome butterflychick:  
I'm sorry for the loss of your step-father.  I can understand that it must be a difficult time for your BPD mom.  Which of her current behaviors cause you the most worry?  :)oes she seem to have a current or past problem with suicidal ideation?

One approach to help get your mom into therapy is to not mention her BPD, but to focus on the grief aspect.  Perhaps, trying to convince her that she could have a more positive therapy experience with her current situation and with a therapist that deals with grief.  You can't force her if she doesn't want it.  

Other than family, does she have support from friends or perhaps a religious community?

One skill that can be helpful to use is VALIDATION  (don't invalidate)

The excerpt below is from an article on working through grief by creating rituals.  You might find some ideas that perhaps you or other family members could prompt your mom to do.

Creating your own personal rituals to remember your loved ones allows you to access and work through your grief in a safe and constructive way. Some people plan rituals in honor of a loved one’s birthday or an anniversary. Others choose to express their grief through small daily or weekly rituals. A ritual can be as elaborate as a public memorial service or as small as a quiet moment alone with your loved one’s picture. Some examples of small rituals include:

• Lighting a candle at certain, special times of the day or week to remind you of your loved one (for example, at dinnertime to represent sharing meals with him or her)
• Creating a memory scrapbook and filling it with photographs, letters, postcards, notes, or other significant memorabilia from your life together
• Spending time listening to your loved one’s favorite music or creating a special mix of music that reminds you of that person
• Watching his or her favorite movie
• Planting a tree or flowers in your loved one’s memory
• Making a donation to a charity that your loved one supported
• Visiting your loved one’s burial site
• Carrying something special that reminds you of your loved one that you can take out and hold when you feel the need
• Creating a work of art in your loved one’s memory
• Preparing and eating a special meal in honor of your loved one
• Developing a memorial ritual for your loved one on special days or whenever you wish

[Panda39]

You could try using SET (Support, Empathy, Truth).

Example: Mom I really care about you and have been worried because I can see that you are struggling with the loss of (stepfather).  I know you loved (stepfather) very much and miss him.  I think it would really help to work through the grief process if a professional was involved for help and support.  Would you consider seeing a Grief Counselor? I'd be happy to help you find someone.

Something like that anyway in your own words.  Try and use "I" messaging so she does not feel blamed or get defensive.

Here are a couple of links related to SET and communication... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

Take Care,
Panda39

[butterflychick]

Thank you for your responses Panda39 and Naughty Nibbler. We had dinner last night and after dinner she was supposed to go to her first widow's support group meeting (set up by my aunt of course). She found a reason to be upset, storm out of the restaurant and not go to the meeting. She has an extensive support system. Myself and my husband, my 3 sisters and their spouses along with my 3 aunts and her best friend. She refuses help but then says that no one is there for her. She is never happy with the amount of time we spend with her. She has stopped going to church since my step father's passing. I am not worried about her ending her life. She talks about how much pain she is in but says she doesn't need help.  Sometimes I feel like I am dealing with a toddler. Thank you for the links to the SET and VALIDATION information. I have always used those communication techniques with her although I am sure I could do a better job.
Our current conflict is that my family went to Disney World with my inlaws. She is upset that we didn't invite her or pay for her to go. I took her flowers to work and told her I was sorry she felt left out but I didn't think she could get the time off work since she just started a new job. She says since she took me on vacation when I was a child it's my turn to pay for her to go now. I was flabbergasted.  The truth is I didn't want to invite her. She would have ruined the entire trip with her random outbursts. 
She is also always upset that I have a wonderful relationship with my Dad. She is jealous and says that I love him more and treat him better. She also makes little effort to contact me or be involved in the lives of my children. I tell her all the time that I want nothing more than to have a meaningful relationship with her but I need her to give a little too. She could call me once in awhile or check in on the kids. She says she can't because she is just trying to survive.
Having a BPD Mom is exhausting. I have thought many times about ending our relationship but I could never leave her to my sisters to deal with. That would be just plain cruel.

[Panda39]

... .I took her flowers to work and told her I was sorry she felt left out but I didn't think she could get the time off work since she just started a new job. She says since she took me on vacation when I was a child it's my turn to pay for her to go now. I was flabbergasted.  The truth is I didn't want to invite her. She would have ruined the entire trip with her random outbursts... . 

This is what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) it sounds like you didn't buy into it which is good.

More info on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

[Fie]

Hello Butterflychick  


Welcome ! Here you will find people who understand because they are in the same or in similar situations.

Having a BPD mum is hard work, I can testify.


You are talking about wanting to help your mum. What do you do for self care ?

I have thought many times about ending our relationship but I could never leave her to my sisters to deal with. That would be just plain cruel.

In my opinion everyone is free to make choices. If you decided to have LC or NC (low contact or no contact) with your mum, that would be completely justified. The only thing you should make sure of is, that *you* are happy. If for you being happy means still having some form of contact with your mum, that's perfect. Then you can decide to learn more about communication skills and so on.
If you feel that you are not happy having your mother in your life, than it's completely justified to see her less/to not see her. Also, NC does not have to be forever. You can resume some form of contact any time you want, f.e. when you feel stronger.
Also your sisters are adults able to make choices. They are also under no obligation to see your mum. You should make the choices healthy for *you*, they will make the choices healthy for them.

What do you think ?