will my ex with BPD ask for me back?

[diffey_09]

so just around a month ago on dec 29 my girlfreind broke up with me, saying that she didnt want to be tied down and that i blamed her on everything and tried to make her feel guilty (even though i wasnt trying to do that i was just hinting to her im not alright please be there for me because recentley she told me dont tell me about your problems because it makes things worse for me, anyways my problem was my grandmother was dying). anywho about 2 weeks from the break up on my birthday i wrote a huge apology to her saying i apologise for all the things is "suposedly" did that i honestly and truthfuly did not and she just pushed me away even more.

i have depression myself and tried killing myself around 3 times over her 2 times of those three i was drunk. then on around the thrid week of our relationship her co-worker messages me over facebook attacking me saying you wasted 5 months of her life and all and i just explained all that she did to me and my ex got on and told me she cheated on me with one of the guys i trusted her talking to.

 just a simple summary of what she did to me was she cheated on me, ended up loving another guy she talked to, insulted me daily, never spoke to me, became an introvert and didnt want me over at all, she hurt me daily, she lied about loving me, she lied about caring about me and there is still alot more i can say (as a boyfreind i would treat her like a princess i would wake up to her calling me at 3 am beause she had a night mare, i would send paragraphs to her every second night on why i loved her and appriciated her, i used all my money on buying her things, i would spend all my time thinking about only her, i would always be there for her no matter what time or reason, i was polite, i never swore at her, i always waited for her, i opened doors for her, i gave up my dream of being a pro fighter jsut to have the supposed "family" she wanted with me bassicly i gave it my all).

but my question honestly is will my ex come back to me when she had done all those things will she realise that she hurt me badly and that all i did for her was good and i just wanted to be there for her? from my perspective i know i need to get over her but i just want to know so she can finnally stop treating people horribly.

(if it is useful one of my best mates, C.,  was her ex best freind and my ex ended up hurting her and they stopped being freinds but my ex wrote an apology to C. about 6 months later and C. and my ex were best freinds for about 2 years my ex and me were togetheer for 5 months)

ill also be honest i miss the old her at the start of the relationship, i do mis her and being there for her but if we were to get back together i would have to lay down some restrictions this time because she should know she cant cross a boundary. sorry im just a very forgiving person if you can talk me out of doing it then please do thanks.

it would be much appriciated if i get a response as soon as possible

[gotbushels]

Hi diffey_09 

Good question.

Good summary of where you are.

My ex also didn't want to be "tied down" as you describe. My ex also acted as though I blamed her for many things.

It's an honest description of where you are with your depression.

There's a lot of undesirable events that occurred between you and your ex. Many people treat cheating as a deal breaker. The same goes for loving another guy. Being subject to abuse is never easy--being in a relationship with someone who does this is even more difficult. You can question this aspect of it by starting with, "Is it necessary?"

Can you describe more about her desire of creating this family despite her desire to not be "tied down"?

Yes, if you miss the start of the relationship, I think that's common to very many of us here. I miss it sometimes. I remember the good times. I have wanted it so much sometimes that I have to consciously go through steps to get to not wanting such a relationship anymore. It's strange but that's what I really want: to be okay with wanting just specific parts, but after all choosing not to be in the relationship.

Where are you with setting boundaries and acknowledgement?

[diffey_09]

im setting boundaries cause i am extremley scared of her hurting me againa dn her tlaking to other guys was the whole reason behind bassicly all our fights.
im acknoledging her and forgiving her like this because im that stupid type of person that does that because they think the partner will change and everything will be fine, i hate it when people take adavantage of m forgivness and trust

but can you honestly awnser the question will she get back together with me? wether or not she does or not or my feelingds for it ar irrelevant i just want to know for the sake of knowing and hopefully being prepared for it with the desicion i make
e reply btw
thanks for th

[diffey_09]

bassicly i honestlydont know to awnser your question through the first 2 months of the relationship we were giving names for the children we wanted and she would go for pregnancy tests and i would be holding her hand hoping there was no baby but wishing there was and so was she (of course there was protection involdved). then bassicly all of a sudden she started asking for threesomes, or me to watch her and somone else ___, or add nother person i guess it was because she grew bored of me for no reason and i dont know why i think it was because the guys she would always talk to anyways but thats what i think she meant by being tied down because she wants to ___ other people.

[jasmine-1234]

I'm really sorry this is happening. My ex BPD (male) had similar behavior. He gave me a ring after 2 months... .he did help me quite a bit helping me with some construction work, so I felt indebted to him.
And yes, be careful with the money... .they have poor impulse control.  I paid for more and more things, and in the end, when he smashed my laptop into bits, I actually paid him to move out. I was so beyond the last straw, he told me I used him etc etc and that I should give him money because I took everything? (which is strange because he lived in MY house and I paid for almost everything).  I had $900 in the bank and I gave him $800 to move out. I have no idea why I did that. I just new it had to be over.  Besides that I had to spend $1800 to buy a new laptop that I needed... .

Please get support here, and read about the disorder.  I wouldn't consider getting back together with her unless she is willing to work on it and get professional help, even then you have to be ready to deal with her and uphold strong boundaries.  I could not do it... .

[earlyL]

Hi diffey_09 

 I have wanted it so much sometimes that I have to consciously go through steps to get to not wanting such a relationship anymore. It's strange but that's what I really want: to be okay with wanting just specific parts, but after all choosing not to be in the relationship.

Where are you with setting boundaries and acknowledgement?

Hi

Can you expand on how you went through those steps, I could do with any suggestions on how to keep moving forward with not wanting the relationship. It isn't on offer at the moment, but I keep feeling like I do want it, and yet my partner cheated, which is a deal breaker for me, but I can't seem to let it go yet.

LW

[Rhomer]

but can you honestly awnser the question will she get back together with me? wether or not she does or not or my feelingds for it ar irrelevant i just want to know for the sake of knowing and hopefully being prepared for it with the desicion i make

Hey diffey,

I'm sorry you're going through this, I've been going through a similar situation as well. My BPDex gf of 4 years cheated on me and left stating that she couldn't do monogamy and while she still loved me deeply could only be with me if the relationship was not exclusive, which I could not accept. Its been a little over 2 months and since then I've still been asking myself the same question you are, will she come back?

From my experience posting and reading these boards, the best answer I can give you is the one you probably already know, which is that nobody knows. There is a good amount of information here that shows that BPDs commonly recycle relationships and that around 75% of these relationships have more then 1 breakup. However, BPDs are all individuals and there is no guarantee what they will do or what will happen. Some are never heard from again, some just try to keep you emotionally invested, and yes, some will want you back possibly weeks, months, or years later.

But in the end, we simply don't know. My advice to you would be to focus on living under the assumption that she will not come back as best you can. Not only is this a very real possibility, it will also help put your mind in the right place in the event that she does try to become a part of your life again. It won't be easy, I know I'm still struggling to detatch myself from relying on hope she will come back, but I think its our best option as it doesn't leave our future so dependant on something we cannot control.

[gotbushels]

Can you expand on how you went through those steps, I could do with any suggestions on how to keep moving forward with not wanting the relationship. It isn't on offer at the moment, but I keep feeling like I do want it, and yet my partner cheated, which is a deal breaker for me, but I can't seem to let it go yet.

Glad to. I think it'll be easier for you because you have a deal breaker.

I've found this works for me when I'm re-dwelling on the positives too long.

Consciously set yourself the tasks of (1) stepping back, (2) seeing the desirable amongst the undesirable, and (3) get to "I don't want a life with this person". Simple.

Obviously, these steps are shortcuts I took later. Three keys to this are here. First, be prepared for your own wanting when it comes up. Second, put in the time and effort to know solidly why your "I don't want a life with this person" is there. These reasons will hopefully naturally emerge when you are going through steps of recovery (right sidebar). The stronger your whys here, the more compelling your "anti-impulse control" is. Write them down in a place you can refer to easily. I kept mine in my phone. They don't need to be articulate, they just need to be there. Third--this is logistical--consciously choose to break the train of thought. This is a key because if you keep trying to "out-think" the idea--I found and believe--you will get stuck. Think it through enough to get self-satisfied--then at the future times, trust the effort you put in that prior time. The strong point of this key is that it allows you to circumvent the natural compulsion to ruminate on your want. I.e., it deals with how good it can feel to keep fantasising about how "great" things were.

An analogy that might help is if you like chocolate cake. (1) Step back you see it's just one fraction of the cake. (2) Then you see parts you don't desire, e.g. other slices like raw aged whitebait. Then hopefully you'll naturally move toward (3) "I don't want a life with this person".

You can use things you dislike for the other slices, e.g., prairie oyster or cured shark.

The strength of this is also its catch. Your step (2) is only as strong as your personal inventory has been. It's hard, but it gets easier. I hope this helps.  

If you want to talk more about this, do start a new thread in Detaching or Self-Awareness.