Exploded on me out of the blue, comparing me with an ex

[Hlinthewiking]

Hi guys  .

This is the first time I'm posting about someone other then my exBPDgf outside of the Dating forums.

I'v been going out with a person with Bipolar 1 and BPD for close to a month now. Initially she seemed a lot different from my exBPDgf because though she had more problems then her, she accepted her BPD, apologized for her tantrums and seemed to "act in" instead of "acting out", I didn't see it as a big issue, as long as she didn't blame me, respected and apologized when or if she treated me wrong.

Things started to aggravate since last week, she seems to be in a bad mood, very depressed, which comes from her still not fully controlled Bipolar 1. Yesterday, I asked her a question I'v been wanting to ask since the first time we'v had sex, but it was a delicate issue, she's told me about past sexual abuse and about her self destructive actions, as in lots of party drugs, tobacco and alcohol abuse in the past. I had noticed she had lots of scary scarring near her anal cavity and I was very concerned on what that was, but waiting until yesterday to ask about it. I was very worried about it and yesterday I found a breach on which I though I could ask nicely about the case while providing support, she of course was not comfortable talking in the matter, but seemed calmer then I anticipated, I also thought it was from forced abuse, she said she didn't want to talk about it, but it was just from consensual rough sex, it scared me deeply when she said it, because it's not something accidental or minor, it's horror film stuff, she probably needed multiple hospital procedures and stays, I was in awe another human being could do that to someone and feel pleasure about doing so, she simple said she didn't feel much after being drunk.

After that she got a bit shut down, was trying to blame me, didn't let me get close, compulsively said she had to smoke, I tried to provide support, but it didn't work, I just gave her some space and let her smoke her cigarette, later on I apologized for bringing that subject up, but also explained I had no idea what it could have been and I had waited almost a month to ask about it.

After that things were fine, she invited me to stay on her uncles house in the beach with her family on Sunday, I got a bit worried, I not only don't know her for that long, but she also said her family was crazier then her and abused her all the time, her mother is also Bipolar and her cousin has something serious, but she didn't specify, only that he showed her gay porn since she was 6yro, I'm not comfortable about being in a city I'v never been before, with people that I never met who also suffer from serious conditions, I'm a bit OCD and this situation brings me no control, I told her I was not comfortable with it, but I would think about it.

She slept with me yesterday, today I drove her to work, we were fine, she said she already missed me, that she loved me... A couple hours later, she sends me huge text, saying she's mad at me, that I remind her of someone who hurt her in the past, who was also a pain, with clothes, beauty products etc... (I'm metrosexual and I take very good care of myself), which I told her is part of my personality, which I claim a bit OCD, I'm a perfectionist, she carried on saying that that person was making excuses, not wanting to meet her family or going to the beach with her and that if I wanted a "Eff" Buddy I should go tell her already so that she didn't loose time with me.

I responded with an even bigger text myself, pissed, telling her she should apologize, that she had came with that out of the blue, telling her I was doing my best to help her because I cared for her, but that she had to respect me and I wouldn't accept her using her problems to disrespect me and trump my boundaries. I also mentioned that if I didn't wasn't considering something serious, I wouldn't care as much as I'm about her well being and I wouldn't have brought up monogamy myself.

I'm already seeing major red flags in this relationship, but I'm not sure if this is because she's nervous about a relationship and because the Bipolar is bad or because she's starting to like me more, hence making the BPD worse. She really seems different from my exBPDgf, she seems to show empathy and remorse.

I also feel bad about feeling angry and having to give her that reply I just did, but I'm trying to keep up my boundaries this time around. I'm not what to do, I really want to help her and I was also happy on how she was handling her BP and BPD with me, always separating her problems from me and not making me the issue.

Any advice?

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[Grey Kitty]

she accepted her BPD, apologized for her tantrums and seemed to "act in" instead of "acting out", I didn't see it as a big issue, as long as she didn't blame me, respected and apologized when or if she treated me wrong.

Apologizing for tantrums is better than not doing so, but tantrums really aren't appropriate at all!

These things seem like acting out to me:

A couple hours later, she sends me huge text, saying she's mad at me, that I remind her of someone who hurt her in the past, who was also a pain, with clothes, beauty products etc.

she carried on saying that that person was making excuses, not wanting to meet her family or going to the beach with her and that if I wanted a "Eff" Buddy I should go tell her already so that she didn't loose time with me.

I was also happy on how she was handling her BP and BPD with me, always separating her problems from me and not making me the issue.

Sounds like she's not doing as good a job of this as she did at first.

My advice to you is that you need to be able to enforce boundaries, protect yourself, and not let yourself get provoked into saying things you regret in these situations.

Well, that, and if you don't feel comfortable spending a weekend with her FOO, you can stand firm about it, and tell her you won't be joining her that weekend.

You could offer to meet her family members in a lower impact setting, perhaps a shorter time like a meal or a birthday party or something if it comes up... .or maybe wait 'till you know a bit more about some of them?

[Herodias]

"I'm already seeing major red flags in this relationship"

Trust you gut... .what does it tell you? Go with that. It is scary to be back out there and we have to be careful not to bring in "ghosts" of the past. But we now have new knowledge of people and how relationships should be if we want to be happy. Learn to trust your own feelings. Do what's best for you and try to stop walking on eggshells. You may not be ready for this... .take it slow.

[Hlinthewiking]

  Grey Kitty I agree with you 100%. I think I have been doing a good job enforcing boundaries, but it's still "unnatural" to me, I have to kinda focus and really work hard to keep telling myself that I have the right to do so and I'm not doing anything wrong in protecting myself and what I feel is right.

  Herodias So far I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells in this relationship, I'm actually trying to "force myself" to be at ease and comfortable to say what I want to say and do what I want to do. At the same time that she's taking responsibility for her actions, she's got more serious problems then my ex and it's scary to me, like the other time when we were together, I was cooking and she said she was seeing a black rabbit in the other room next to the kitchen, I took her like you would take a child and I showed her that there was nothing there, she still was frightened and so was I since I'm not used to that.

After I made this post, we spoke, she apologized, said she wasn't well, that she regretted what she had said to me and that I didn't HAVE to go thru all this, that I deserved someone better, she apologizes multiple times in fact. This is a bit why I think she's so different and more manageable then my exBPDgf, she doesn't seem to hold a lot of grudge and things get solved much easier.

I'm also very concerned with her well being, she said herself yesterday that if she isn't better in a week, she will commit again... .She's talking about suicide in a regular basis, she's BP1 w/ Rapid Cycle, so she goes from depression to mania multiple times a day and her manic episodes are always dangerous and she's always having self destructive behaviors, on top of all that, she's anorexic and bulimic, I'v got a nutrition degree and I'v been helping her with that the best I can, but sometimes she just pops laxatives and tells me she was feeling fat... She's 16% bf, which is below chart athleticism, almost essential fat for women (12%>, she's very skinny and pretty, still somewhat healthy looking, but borderline, so that's distorted self image.

[Grey Kitty]

A month sounds like a pretty new r/s. Do you have separate houses/apartments? And if so, are you spending most nights/days together at one of them or the other?

[Hlinthewiking]

  Grey Kitty

She works until late hours and she lives pretty far from me, so we need to schedule the days we see each other, usually she sleeps a couple times a week on my place. I haven't been to her house for 2 reasons, it's really far, she comes to see me by train and because she also lives with her bipolar mother that refuses to get treatment or be medicated, she frequently seeks me out for help to endure abuse from home or telling me her mother is walking around the house screaming.