Detaching issue ...

[iceonthehorizon]

Hi good people on the forum,

 Myself and uBPDexgf have broken up a number of times over the last few months. This led to us having some massive stupid arguments and yes I recognized the BPD traits. Even though I knew about them and tried to use methods to keep the arguments civil the goalposts were always moved, the points I made were totally ignored if it showed she was wrong and she always blamed me for everything.

So move forward to now, we have broke up (for good perhaps) and this is what I find so annoying. The logical part of my brain is saying move on, the emotional part is saying well... .hang on wait I don't want to let go. 
I have to say is very tiring, it's like a game of tennis in my head that never seems to end...

Has anyone else found this when moving on from your exBPD, the emotional part just is weak and tries to hold on. I wish I could just feel comfortable moving on but that emotion just keeps me held back. I have goals and plans for the year ahead and this is already putting those plans into jeopardy.

I'm looking to let go, this is just getting in the way... .

Advice would be welcome?

[ynwa]

Hey There Icenthehorizon,

It's no easy thing moving forward from a relationship that puts you through a roller coaster of emotions right?  That game of tennis explanation is fantastic and I've been there too.  I'm going to give you a link to read but I also want to ask, are you building a support network of friends and family?  Doing things that are fun and different?  Just going out for a walk and clearing your head, going to the gym?  maybe watching a funny movie and laughing?

It's going to take time to process and work out how you are feeling.  Take that time to allow yourself to feel but not get stuck. 

Let me know what you think of the link?

Thank you for sharing and read on ok?

YNWA

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56295.0

[iceonthehorizon]

Thanks Ynwa,
 
 I am tired of that feeling of not letting go fully when I really want to. I have spoke to many people and what I've realised is that I have a lot of the answers already, I think most of us do have the answers it is just we struggle to accept the actual reality that we are in unhealthy relationships and we have given control of our happiness and sadness to these people.

It seems it is a multi stage process of even just realising what the hell we have got ourselves into. I bet like myself most non's realise very early on that something is not right but we just turn off the warning bells and continue getting deeper into the fog not realising the danger we are in. It's the classic sticking a frog in cold water and then heating it up. It really is like we just aren't aware that we are in danger. Eventually unlike the poor frog something deep in our brain triggers the amygdala  finally wakes up and kicks in... .

I really do feel for all people who have had to go through this, it is incredibly hard for people who have not experienced this to realise just how hard getting out of these relationships are. I had my ex disappear (that's when i learn't about BPD) and then re-appear later and I got sucked backed in, why , because deep down I wanted to be sucked back in. The next breakup was far worse, so anyone who thinks they want to go back... .Good Luck, you are the frog climbing back into the hot pan of water. Please for your own sanity if you have escaped from these toxic relationships look at why you got sucked in while you are running at full pace in the opposite direction.

[iceonthehorizon]

Hi infjEpic,

 I spent a long long time believing it could work out, I am a very determined person and usually when I put my mind to something usually I can figure out a solution. It took me time to realise this intractable problem was something I was never going to get a solution to and that has been the hard part for me to accept.

I don't feel the guilt or shame as I know I did everything humanly possible to make it work. In my case the uBPDexgf just cannot understand how her reality of the world hurts those closest to her and she was very emotionally abusive/ manipulative. I have never been sure if she new exactly what she was doing or if it just came naturally to her without realising how stupid it was. There were physical abuse from her a few times and my personally property was also destroyed.

My brain new very early on that something was not right but the love bombing stage silenced all the bells, as in most cases she was very very beautiful.

[ynwa]

Hey Ice,

I am tired of that feeling of not letting go fully when I really want to. I have spoke to many people and what I've realised is that I have a lot of the answers already.

This is not uncommon and it takes time.  :)etaching and removing yourself, doesn't mean you don't still care and love the person. In most cases love itself is not the issue.  :)etaching with compassion for yourself and the other person works best.  Shutting off your feelings entirely is not easy. Working with them is finding the balance.