help me understand

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I recently have begun the steps to remove myself from a BPD relationship. I call it that, however, she has not fully acknowledged. things got messy. infidelity. and patterns which left me feeling like i never actually had a hold on the relationship like i wanted. it never felt quite complete. words exchanged were the opposite. i believe there was and is still love.  80 percent of the time together was good. i hung on to that. simply for my love and desire for partnership with her.  please someone help me understand the actions of going to be intimate with a stranger while involved in such a bond with someone. i know there was love between us. or was i just like all the others? 

[planet]

I recently have begun the steps to remove myself from a BPD relationship. I call it that, however, she has not fully acknowledged. things got messy. infidelity. and patterns which left me feeling like i never actually had a hold on the relationship like i wanted. it never felt quite complete. words exchanged were the opposite. i believe there was and is still love.  80 percent of the time together was good. i hung on to that. simply for my love and desire for partnership with her.  please someone help me understand the actions of going to be intimate with a stranger while involved in such a bond with someone. i know there was love between us. or was i just like all the others? 

[heartandwhole]

Hi planet,



I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well between you and your partner. It very difficult to make a decision to leave. These kinds of relationships can feel very intense and deep. You are not alone! 

What steps have you taken to leave the relationship, planet? What kind of contact do you have with your partner?

When you can, tell us a bit more about what happened to bring you here. We have been through similar situations, and understand.

heartandwhole

[planet]

i feel pretty alone. thanks for your support. for the second time, i have had limited contact. blocked numbers and spammed email. i know it is for the best for both of us.  i sent an email to her family as a way of closure for me. declaring my thoughts, telling them some of the behaviors that i experienced recently and urging them to seek BPD treatments. she herself has acknowledged patterns of behavior, however, her family is in denial. its a mess. and i have come to a place where i would need much of her family support to continue. and that will not happen. pretty sure mom is some level of BPD herself, so my email was sort of an insult. i am seeking closure and processing that i know i wont ever get. so i came here for information. others with similiar relationship endings. it sucks.

[heartandwhole]

so i came here for information. others with similiar relationship endings. it sucks.

It really does suck, planet. I've been there. As have the members on this board. I'm sorry it has come to this. You've found a great place for support here. It can be hard for others to understand that these kinds of breakups don't feel like "normal" breakups. At least that was my experience.

How long has it been since the breakup? Was it mutual?

heartandwhole

[planet]

one year ago. the exit of hers to another happened. much in the same way i entered her life with a triangle... in april i ended contact. in an attempt to "try something different" i recontacted her and layed out BPD heavily. i bought her books on recovery, offered to go to counseling, and maintained surfaced leveled contact. she is in AA with ups and downs on sobriety. i supported that.  there was drama around that several times. in know that substances are a strong crutch for her to curb emotions.  she never denied this in words and in fact acknowledged the BPD traits. ___... its so obvious... she recently enamored someone else, another triangle, and i found out. my guess is that its her way out. her way of justifying that i cant give all of what she needs.  difference is... this time, i came here.
im pretty fresh in my hurt. i can forgive her only knowing some of the things i have learned about BPD. it leaves me saddened. there was much about our partnership that was positive and i saw a potential. its sad she cant meet me half way. but i have to save myself and hold onto my own dignity. im going to visit here and seek responses that reinforce my thoughts. my feelings are not trustworthy at the moment.

[heartandwhole]

planet,

You will get more replies from other members who will share their experiences and hard earned wisdom, but I wanted to let you know that I was hurting badly after my breakup, too. The pwBPD whom I was involved with was diagnosed. This article really helped me understand what I had been dealing with:

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

Hang in there. Things really DO get better.

heartandwhole

[ynwa]

Hey Planet,

I read your posts, and i wanted to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You have come to the right place to find support and help.

It's not easy going through what you did, and I see you taking great steps to move forward.  

You made a great decision to put yourself first, and take care of you. Stepping away from her issues for awhile, is ok. It really is. Can you tell us what you do to relax or things you do just for yourself like hobbies, working out? Going out with friends?  The link heartandwhole gave will give you some perspective. 

Your feelings will ebb and flow, and you might feel overwhelmed. That's ok too, it's going to take some time to work it out and find balance.

[planet]

yes. i know that any recovery blends a balance to getting support from others. i am in a time of isolation. not healthy. i have a good network of supportive friends who i have confided in. i have interests of things to do. i feel doubled over in my gut right now. i just bought a house and have tons of projects to do, i have three teenagers who need my attention, i have elderly parents. i think the reason i re contacted her was to share the house with her. she was a catalyst in me leaving my emotionally stunted marriage of 20 years. it is ironic that here i am, without her. and it is ironic that i got here without her... .while being with her. amazing. i am trying to be patient with myself. and things did not work out the way i intended for us. the idealization was strong. and it gave me energy. i appreciate your supportive responses. and i would like to use this as an anchor and keep my logical thoughts intact.