I just wonder if this was normal and wanted to get a perspective from you guys about how you are grieving your losses.
Hlinthewiking
Yes, you are normal. Grieving the loss of a r/s, even a dysfunctional one, is difficult. IMO, compared to other r/s', grieving a BP r/s has been multiples more painful.
I think there is something about this r/s style that plugs into early childhood stuff for us non's. We get something from it that other r/s' do not give us and though the waters are turbulent, they are also comforting at some level of our psyche.
I think there are 2 parts to the process - both difficult. One, just letting go and acknowledging,as you have done, that it was not good for us. Second, figuring out what about the r/s has us so hooked. Again, both hard to do and both take time.
There is no "right" way to grieve and it takes as long as it takes. Having this site helps us not to get stuck in that process and provides some insights into what got us locked in to begin with.
I was supposed to go away for Xmas and never did as it was my one year divorce anniversary and I just wanted to sleep - and so i did. Feeling better now but it can be changeable. And like you, I still love her and have times that I wonder if the best has already come and gone.
Overall this is what I can definitively say; over time the grieving is less frequent, less intense and less duration when it happens. I can still get waves that wash over me, but they recede quicker than before.
You are on course to recover. How long has it been for you?