Her never ending anger and depression

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I use to marvel at my ex capacity of being angry all of the time.  She used the phrase "Just pisses me off". ALL of the time. Her anger was either with herself, the world or her family and of course me. Her depression was bottomless too. Sometimes I would see a upswing but it seemed overly exaggerated or even manic. The day before our final argument she was giddy and laughing out load to things on the tv that were not THAT funny. I just looked at her.  The next day... .

[Aesir]

I use to marvel at my ex capacity of being angry all of the time.  She used the phrase "Just pisses me off". ALL of the time. Her anger was either with herself, the world or her family and of course me. Her depression was bottomless too. Sometimes I would see a upswing but it seemed overly exaggerated or even manic. The day before our final argument she was giddy and laughing out load to things on the tv that were not THAT funny. I just looked at her.  The next day... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi Aesir,

The swings and about faces with regard to feelings was a huge challenge for me in my relationship. In my experience, it chips away at our ability to see things clearly.

Have you seen this:


Diagnostic Criteria 301.83 (F60.3)

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects,and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
• Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
• Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
• Chronic feelings of emptiness.
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
• Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

In my relationship, however, pwBPD hardly ever expressed anger toward me, although he later told me he felt it.

heartandwhole

[Aesir]

Hi Aesir,

The swings and about faces with regard to feelings was a huge challenge for me in my relationship. In my experience, it chips away at our ability to see things clearly.

Have you seen this:


Diagnostic Criteria 301.83 (F60.3)

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects,and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
• Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
• Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
• Chronic feelings of emptiness.
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
• Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

In my relationship, however, pwBPD hardly ever expressed anger toward me, although he later told me he felt it.

heartandwhole

Her behavior certainly fit the criteria.  Her anger and outrage was far in excess to certain situations she faced. I would wonder what did I do that was so wrong? Sure I messed up at times but it was not worth going ballistic over either.

[Mutt]

I would wonder what did I do that was so wrong? Sure I messed up at times but it was not worth going ballistic over either.

I think that many of us on this board can relate with that confusion. I recall the way that I looked at her or a sigh triggered her. The term walking on eggshells is a suitable term and that's how I often felt, I felt like if I opened the door when I returned home from work I was walking walking landmines, what is it going to be today? What's going to trigger her?

It's a serious mental illness, heartandwhole gave you criterions, it's also a distorted belief system, I think that it helps to have a strong sense of self and separate yourself from your ex or get untangled.

There are only two things that we can control or thoughts and feelings,your exes irrational thoughts and behaviors is transference, reliving unresolved core wounds from her past in the present. Read about the disorder, there is logic to her behaviors, depersonalize it.