Brother's wife is uBPD - managing her alienation and isolation of him is so hard

[Depression = 72% of members]

From the very first day I met my brother's new girlfriend, I felt a strange chilly menacing darkness about her.  She was so different from his previous partner of nearly 8 years. This new girlfriends crazy unstable patterns of behaviour and her cruel, manipulative, controlling and psycho treatment of my brother and our family, made it very difficult for us to understand what her problem was. It was years before we realised that she was likely uBPD / NPD and that this was behind her extreme "fear of abandonment" behaviours (stemming from her childhood).  My brother had met this new person while he was living with his gorgeous, loving and caring long term partner (they had been discussing marriage and were very settled and happy together).  Apparently new girl stalked him relentlessly, even calling him at home in the middle of the night asking him to come and assist her as her car had "broken down" etc, etc.  Anyway new girlfriend love bombed him to the max, he ended up cheating on his partner by running into the arms of the GFH (girlfriend from hell) - who became the WFH (wife from hell….) and is now the MFH (mother from hell). 

Over the past twenty years we have witnessed him change from a funny, happy, amiable, sweet, genuine and loyal person, someone who enjoyed his life - into a fearful, egg-shell walking, dishonest, miserable, abusive, mean-spirited, angry, selfish and negative individual. He is totally enmeshed and co-dependent to the point that he only repeats whatever nasty stuff comes out of her mouth.  He is so brainwashed he believes all her illogical perceived dramas and insists that our family have said things and done things to slight her (none of which is true).  I am her main target, my brother and I always had a good relationship.  She has done everything in her power to destroy that.  She has long shopping lists of grievances and resentments going back decades which she holds against both myself and our elderly widowed mother.  She monitors all my brother's communications - his mobile phone calls, reads his emails, texts are answered by her pretending to be him (these texts come from his phone number).  My brother's uBPDwife keeps tabs on where he is using an app to track his mobile phone. Its now impossible to see him without her always being present.  Weeks and months can go by and we aren't able to communicate with him.  She also makes it difficult for us to see the children. On occasions when I try to take them on an outing - usually some issue with the arrangements means I will get messed around and let down at the last minute.  The children have mentioned to me on several occasions that they are scared of mom.  uBPDw has been ramping up and recently cut my brother off from several of his good friends and now he is only "allowed" to see one or two of her approved friends.  I have learnt all I can about PDs, also reading these web sites (which are such a help) to try and somehow disengage, manage the loss, the grief, the anger and the heartache. 

My brother is now no longer himself, its as if his soul has been "excised".  I continually wonder what it must it be like to have to hate the people in your life who love you the most in order to keep your partner from losing the plot.  Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation and has managed to come out of it? any support would be welcome….

[Four Winds]

From the very first day I met my brother's new girlfriend, I felt a strange chilly menacing darkness about her.  She was so different from his previous partner of nearly 8 years. This new girlfriends crazy unstable patterns of behaviour and her cruel, manipulative, controlling and psycho treatment of my brother and our family, made it very difficult for us to understand what her problem was. It was years before we realised that she was likely uBPD / NPD and that this was behind her extreme "fear of abandonment" behaviours (stemming from her childhood).  My brother had met this new person while he was living with his gorgeous, loving and caring long term partner (they had been discussing marriage and were very settled and happy together).  Apparently new girl stalked him relentlessly, even calling him at home in the middle of the night asking him to come and assist her as her car had "broken down" etc, etc.  Anyway new girlfriend love bombed him to the max, he ended up cheating on his partner by running into the arms of the GFH (girlfriend from hell) - who became the WFH (wife from hell….) and is now the MFH (mother from hell). 

Over the past twenty years we have witnessed him change from a funny, happy, amiable, sweet, genuine and loyal person, someone who enjoyed his life - into a fearful, egg-shell walking, dishonest, miserable, abusive, mean-spirited, angry, selfish and negative individual. He is totally enmeshed and co-dependent to the point that he only repeats whatever nasty stuff comes out of her mouth.  He is so brainwashed he believes all her illogical perceived dramas and insists that our family have said things and done things to slight her (none of which is true).  I am her main target, my brother and I always had a good relationship.  She has done everything in her power to destroy that.  She has long shopping lists of grievances and resentments going back decades which she holds against both myself and our elderly widowed mother.  She monitors all my brother's communications - his mobile phone calls, reads his emails, texts are answered by her pretending to be him (these texts come from his phone number).  My brother's uBPDwife keeps tabs on where he is using an app to track his mobile phone. Its now impossible to see him without her always being present.  Weeks and months can go by and we aren't able to communicate with him.  She also makes it difficult for us to see the children. On occasions when I try to take them on an outing - usually some issue with the arrangements means I will get messed around and let down at the last minute.  The children have mentioned to me on several occasions that they are scared of mom.  uBPDw has been ramping up and recently cut my brother off from several of his good friends and now he is only "allowed" to see one or two of her approved friends.  I have learnt all I can about PDs, also reading these web sites (which are such a help) to try and somehow disengage, manage the loss, the grief, the anger and the heartache. 

My brother is now no longer himself, its as if his soul has been "excised".  I continually wonder what it must it be like to have to hate the people in your life who love you the most in order to keep your partner from losing the plot.  Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation and has managed to come out of it? any support would be welcome….

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Four Winds:  

I'm so sorry about the situation with your brother and SIL.  The situation is heartbreaking.  My sister appears to have BPD (high functioning).  Her son, my nephew, married a woman who appears to have BPD as well.  Many of your accounts are similar.  The courtship was similar and my nephew's wife trapped him into marriage with a pregnancy.  His wife had already had children with two other men.  My nephew was warned by one baby daddy, so he has to own the fact that he didn't take precautions.  

Have you ever had some time alone with your brother and made an attempt to gently approach the situation, perhaps telling him how much you miss him.  Perhaps your brother is codependent, what's you take on that?

I am her main target, my brother and I always had a good relationship.  She has done everything in her power to destroy that.  She has long shopping lists of grievances and resentments going back decades which she holds against both myself and our elderly widowed mother.

Sounds like you are SPLIT black.  It must be very frustrating for you and your mom. I'm split black by my uBPD sister, so I have a little taste of what you are dealing with.   They seem to fabricate a situation, blame you for it and then go through a list of everything they hate about you.

Unfortunately, you can't change your SIL or help your brother, if he doesn't want it.  The only thing you can do is manage the way you interact with them and then react to them.  You will find that you need to be careful with social media.  You, also, have to be careful to NOT disagree or debate anything with either of them.

Setting boundaries and mastering some communication skills, can make things better for you.  You will need to keep your opinions to yourself and not argue.  It may make you feel a bit mindless and robot like, but it's a safe position to take.

If you go to the very top of this page, you will see a wide green band.  There is a "Toolbar" menu inside the green band.  The lessons there, can be a good place to start learning or refining some skills.  Boundaries and validation are good skills to master, as well as VARIOUS COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

This can be a good place to practice some strategies and communication skills.  Check out a lesson or two and let us know what you think.  It can take some practice and time to master some skills, so don't give up.

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry for your situation. You could be writing about my father, whose situation was similar to your brother's. I don't believe things started out that way, but slowly, over the years, my mother seemed to gain more and more control over his relationships with his family and with me. For some reason, female relatives were more of a threat to her. I know this sounds strange- you are his sister and I - a daughter, but affection to us triggered my mother.

I know you see your SIL as the bad guy here. I also see my mother that way- and she is more difficult than my father, but co-dependency in the partner is a less obvious aspect of the relationships. They fit together hand in glove. In a way, the co-dependent partner is addicted to their spouse, and just like an alcoholic is powerless over drinking- even to the detriment of themselves and family- they keep on choosing the drink until they gain the will to stop.

I think for this to happen, the person has to "hit bottom". Unfortunately you can not make your brother see the light and change. You can let him know you love him, you are there for him.

Is there ever a way to speak to him alone? Does he work? My mother listened in on my phone calls with dad and read his e mails. I loved it when I called and she was out of the house. I don't think you should say something about the SIL- chances are he will tell her what you said. But calling him to let him know you are thinking of him and love him will leave that door open for him to contact you if he so chooses.

[Turkish]

Hi FW,

When the kids mention they are scared of their mom do they elaborate?

T

[Four Winds]

Hello, thank you for the responses, its so helpful to connect with others experiencing similar stories. Sorry to hear about Nibbler's sister and nephew and also Notwendy's father, both such heartbreaking family situations.  Yes, I see my brother as very co-dependent, it seems he cannot accept that there is a problem - he is very protective of her and tries to cover up her behaviour with multiple excuses, he will twist the truth happily creating a false storyline to try and portray her as the opposite of what she is and will always instead try to place the blame onto others. He knows deep down inside something is not right with her but he doesn't know what to do about it.  At this stage he doesn't want to know as that would mean he will have to face up to the situation (particularly having children to worry about)- so he lives in a very confused state, zoning in and out of reality depending on what her moods and behaviour are at the time.  So yes, I would say that he has a bad addiction, certainly he becomes very unstable emotionally when anything upsets his uBPDw. 

Its virtually impossible to see him alone, she makes sure of that.  The few times I talk to him without her listening in (when he is at work), I have learnt never to discuss the SIL as this will instantly create a heap of abuse from him if he thinks I am being in anyway critical.

I send him little messages from time to time just to let him know I am thinking of him and missing him.  I am extremely cautious with social media and have kept a very low profile to avoid problems.  I know I can't change the situation and have instead tried to change the way I deal with it.  To this end I have applied medium chill, grey rock tactics and find they do work very well - (in the limited time we spend together) I have become the most boring person ever.