I am 32 yeard old and I think my mother is BPD. She is now talking about suicide

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone.

I am already feeling a little better having found this support group. I am 32 years old and I have always had a very difficult relationship with my mother. The entire family struggles with her extreme mood swings, impulsive behaviors, unfair blaming, criticism and manipulation. We are constantly feeling confused, hurt, and helpless. She have always used emotional blackmailing against me. Last Friday she called me screaming and crying, saying my father was cheating her. She did this so many times already, but something new happened this time. She started saying that her life is empty, meaningless, that soon she will write a letter to us and kill herself.

As you can imagine, I am feeling angry at her, feeling manipulated and feeling afraid at the same time. I can't stand this emotional roller coaster anymore, and I have no energy anymore even to try to protect her or go to her house and talk.

If anyone here has some words for me or have been in this situation, I would appreciate some help as I don't know what to do.

Thank you.

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi everyone.

I am already feeling a little better having found this support group. I am 32 years old and I have always had a very difficult relationship with my mother. The entire family struggles with her extreme mood swings, impulsive behaviors, unfair blaming, criticism and manipulation. We are constantly feeling confused, hurt, and helpless. She have always used emotional blackmailing against me. Last Friday she called me screaming and crying, saying my father was cheating her. She did this so many times already, but something new happened this time. She started saying that her life is empty, meaningless, that soon she will write a letter to us and kill herself.

As you can imagine, I am feeling angry at her, feeling manipulated and feeling afraid at the same time. I can't stand this emotional roller coaster anymore, and I have no energy anymore even to try to protect her or go to her house and talk.

If anyone here has some words for me or have been in this situation, I would appreciate some help as I don't know what to do.

Thank you.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Vanilla Sky:  
I'm sorry about the roller coaster you are on in regard to your mom and her behavior.  Has she ever gotten treatment for any form of mental illness?  Have you spoken with your dad or siblings about her must recent threat of killing herself?  Other than saying she will "write a letter and kill herself", does she give any details about a plan?

You need to take her threats of suicide seriously.  The links below can be helpful.  The first one is a discussion about suicide ideation.  The second link contains information about Safety in relation to suicide prevention.  The third is a link to a suicide prevention website.

SUICIDE IDEATION IN OTHERS

SAFETY FIRST

SUICIDE PREVENTION

Does your mom work?  :)oes she have friends or interests that she is involved in?

You can't change your mom, but you can manage the way you interact with her and react with her.  Reading about  FOG  and  BOUNDARIES can be a good place to start.

Perhaps your family can talk your mom into getting some therapy?  

[Vanilla Sky]

Hello Naughty Nibbler,

Two years ago she had a surgery, nothing critical, but made her anxiety explode. For the first time she asked to see a doctor to deal with the anxiety. So we took her to the psychiatrist. She only accepted to go because she knew she was going to get some medication to make her feel lees anxious. She stopped taking the pills 1 month after seeing the doctor because she was already feeling better even we asking her to continue the treatment as the doctor recommended. During the weeks before the surgery and some time after she wasn't showing any signs of anger because she was getting all the attention from the family.

After she called me on Friday and said those things, I told her I would not take a threat as a joke and would take the necessary measures. I called my brother who lives far away, her two brothers that also leave far from her and told them what was happening. I asked everyone to call her and tell I what I told them and try to talk to her. I also told my father. I know they called her and she complained about my father cheating her to everyone during all the conversation. Sometimes she becomes neurotic thinking my father is cheating her, and he is not, there is no evidence or anything serious to make her think that. Today (Monday) she isn't speaking to anyone, just cleaning the house. She has done this many times, over and over again. But this was the first time she threatened to suicide.

The only thing she told during that call with me, after 10 minutes complaining about my father, is that she doesn't see any reasons to live anymore and she is waiting for her mother and old brother (both deceased) to come and take her with them. Then she started crying and suddenly became angry again and and said "at some moment I will go crazy, write a letter, leave my money to you and my grandson and "do something crazy". She didn't give any details and don't seem to have a plan for that.

She doesn't work, she is a housewife. She has a couple friends, but superficial friendship. She is in a church group that meets every week.
She likes gardening. Months ago I teach her how to use internet and she was into that for a while.

Right now she isn't talking to anyone, I think I don't have much to do now. I can't show up at her house or call her because she won't talk to me (and I didn't do absolutely anything to her). I am going to see a psychologist for myself this week because I am feeling exhausted and have no energy to deal with this situations anymore. I can't even read about suicide prevention, it seems that I am in denial or something, and I want to believe her threat as one more blackmailing.

(I am sorry about my poor English).

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Vanilla Sky:     
I think you are doing fine with your English.   

You did the right thing, by alerting family members of your mom's mention of suicide.  Sometimes, some stress or event can set off someone with BPD or strong BPD traits.  Perhaps her episode with surgery caused  a flare in BPD behaviors.

My father used to give the Silent Treatment.  With him, he did it when I was young, and living with my parents.  Years down the road, he just stopped doing that.  He had rages, was critical and grumpy, but that was one behavior he stopped (not sure how that evolved).

  If it is a parent and you are an adult who doesn’t live with them, you can learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself. If you are on the receiving end of a snippy, clipped semi-silent treatment, you can say something like: Dad/Mom, I love you so much and I want our relationship to be enjoyable and supportive. When you give me the silent-treatment, that damages my positive feelings. Therefore, I am going to end this conversation now but look forward to speaking to you when you can speak to me openly without giving me the silent treatment.

The quote above is a sample of something to say to a parent who is dishing out silent treatment.  It uses a strategy called "I" Statements. (i.e. I feel _____ when______happens, because _________)

Assumptions held by BPD sufferers
When you're interacting with someone with BPD, it's crucial to understand that their unconscious assumptions may be very different from yours.
Their assumptions may include:

• I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless. I must be completely competent in all ways to be a worthwhile person.
• Some people are good and everything about them is perfect. Other people are thoroughly bad and should be severely blamed and punished for it.
• My feelings are always caused by external events. I have no control over my emotions or the things I do in reaction to them.
• Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I always lose everyone I care about-despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me.
• If someone treats me badly, then I become bad.
• When I am alone, I become nobody and nothing.
• I will be happy only when I can find an all-giving, perfect person to love me and take care of me no matter what.
• But if someone close to this loves me, then something must be wrong with them.
• I can't stand the frustration that I feel when I need something from someone and I can't get it.
• I've got to do something to make it go away.

Keep in mind that these do not reflect the thinking of every person with BPD. You must judge what is pertinent in your individual circumstances.

I am going to see a psychologist for myself this week because I am feeling exhausted and have no energy to deal with this situations anymore. I can't even read about suicide prevention, it seems that I am in denial or something, and I want to believe her threat as one more blackmailing.

I went to see a psychologist to help me figure out a similar situation with my uBPD sister.  My heart goes out to you.  I know how painful it can be, when a loved one treats you poorly and gives you the silent treatment, and/or exhibits other BPD behaviors.  My psychologist suggested I read the book, "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".  Actually, I got the audio book version, so it was easy to work in my learning experience, while going for a walk, driving or working around the house.

Could some of the above assumptions held by BPD Sufferers apply to your mom?  Perhaps the above list is something to discuss during your therapy appointment this week.  Let us know how things go.

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi Naughty Nibbler,

Thank you again for replying me. You have no idea of how grateful I am right now.

After reading your reply I started to read about the Silent Treatment. I wish I could have heard this expression 20 years ago and have the means that I have today. My mother gives me the Silent Treatment since I was a little girl. She gave 6 years of Silent Treatment to my brother and missed the first years of her grandson when he was born.  I have been diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder by a psychiatrist and I am on medication for 7 years now.  I was in therapy for 2 years as well, but never figured out the root cause of my pain. Everything I read and everyone I talk to about anxiety always says that I should keep looking, deeper and deeper, to the reasons for my GAD. I haven't got much far with the therapy and because of the costs, I gave up. I am coming back to therapy tomorrow morning. It all makes a lot of sense now. I am sure I am starting a process to get back my life that was stolen by my BPD mother.

An update of my situation with her right now:

After her suicide threat on Friday, I was completely lost. I found this support group and also bought the book "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells". I ready 120 pages at once. I simply could not stop reading it - this was absolutely the history of my life with my BPD mother.

It is so obvious that she is BPD that I am shocked. 5 days ago she called me to chat and told me how much she loves me and I am a great person. Then BAM! The rage phase comes in. On Friday she calls me screaming and demanding that I should find out if my father is cheating her. I refuse to that. She then makes the suicide threat. On Saturday she calls me again, screaming. I could not take that anymore and I hang up on her. Now the Silent Treatment comes in.
We haven't spoken since them, so I decided to call her today. This is how the call went:

Me: Hi Mom
BPD mother: Hi
Me: How are you feeling?
BPD mother: What do you care? I could be dead and you and your brother don't give a ___.

and she hangs up on me.

I want to say again: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I am reading all your words very careful, so please know that you are helping someone to be happy again.

I will let you know how things go on therapy.

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi everyone,

Since I got to know BPD Family forums, and have read "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" and now reading "Surviving Borderline Parents", I feel this will help me at some point, that I will get through the learning phase and eventually will start feeling good again. But right now I am still feeling overwhelmed and sad.

I've been seeing a psychologist for a month now. We talk about how I feel incomplete and the emotional co-dependency relationship I have with my uBPD mother.  I only feel happy when she is doing ok. When she is angry, in emotional pain, screaming around with my father, I then get anxious, sad and still try to figure out ways to make her happy so that I can feel relieved and safe.

I am just about to go on a nice weekend with friends, but I just can't feel good and I have to hide it from everyone because I am too tired to talk about it with others. I would have to explain a lot of things that I can't find words to explain to someone that hasn't been close to a BPD person.

I hope I am on the right way to use what I am learning now to neutralized the effects she has over me. It is so frustrating to be that vulnerable.

[Vanilla Sky]

By the way... .Her suicide threat a month ago really messed with my mind. Even though I know this is the disease talking and there is nothing I can do about it, it is easy to say but hard to manage the fear and anxiety I feel.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for the update Vanilla Sky

I can imagine that hearing your mother make such a threat would be very unsettling. A months has passed. Has she since said anything like that again?

Dealing with a BPD parent often isn't easy and can really affect people. Healing from the emotional and psychological wounds takes time, patience and the hard work you are doing by talking about your issues. Having a solid support network has helped many members and I am glad you now have the support of a psychologist and have also returned posting here.

To assist you on your healing journey, I strongly encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this board. When you go through the guide, where do you feel you are now? What do you consider the main challenges you are currently facing?

The Board Parrot

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Vanilla Sky:   

I've been seeing a psychologist for a month now. We talk about how I feel incomplete and the emotional co-dependency relationship I have with my uBPD mother.  I only feel happy when she is doing ok. When she is angry, in emotional pain, screaming around with my father, I then get anxious, sad and still try to figure out ways to make her happy so that I can feel relieved and safe   

A month is just at the starting point of therapy.  hang in there.  Don't be afraid to ask your therapist for a recommendation of a book to read or some homework to work on.

You might be interested in this book,
Codependent No More - Melody Beattie.  I understand there is a workbook you can buy as well.

I am just about to go on a nice weekend with friends, but I just can't feel good and I have to hide it from everyone because I am too tired to talk about it with others. I would have to explain a lot of things that I can't find words to explain to someone that hasn't been close to a BPD person.   

You must be on your weekend adventure, as I write this.  I hope you have/had fun. With some practice, you can begin to tame your thoughts about your mom.  Your therapist may have some ideas for things you can do to tame your thoughts.  In the meantime, the links below will take you to some info. on ruminations/memory management.

TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations

MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS

If you find yourself worrying or ruminating on certain things, one mental exercise is to schedule a 30-minute period each day to dedicate to worrying.  This exercise doesn't require extensive journaling, just making a brief list.  When bothersome thoughts enter your mind during the day, write them down.  After they are on the list, make every effort to NOT think about your ruminations until the appointed time.  This exercise can be found in the book, "The Worry Cure",
by Robert Leahy