Found out within past year that my husband & father of my three children is BPD

[Redrogue]

I'm new to this.  I'm just looking for a support system to help me work my way through this new realization I have come to that my husband is BPD, and how to make that work for our family.  He is great, overall, with our kids.  He is hurtling some serious abuse and neglect from his own childhood, and he is consciously trying to be there for his kids in a healthy way that was never available to him from his own parents.  However, he is using me as a constant scapegoat for all his problems, and it has been escalating the past couple of years.  We have been to counseling on and off throughout our ten years of marriage.  He had a complete meltdown about two years ago and threw me out of the house, in front of our kids and called me a "___" in front of our children, and sent us all out of the house.  I stayed with my parents for about a week.  He and I began counseling, and I can honestly say that he has overall been good to me in front of the kids anyway, since then.  He has never before nor since that incident come anywhere close to acting as he did that one time.  But I'm still scared to death, and it's been almost two years.  Since this incident and our counseling began, our husband has since left our counselor, whom he had been seeing on his own for several months before we started going together-when she saw the whole picture once I came and was able to properly diagnose him, and was beginning to hold him accountable for his actions.  He now goes to someone else on his own, and our previous therapist shared with me her diagnosis of my husband, along with other long-term mental illnesses.  I want this to work so badly.  But I have seen my husband go somewhere and do something I never would have thought possible, and now that I know the extreme he has gone to, I know he could go there again.  I don't know how to feel safe.  I don't know what is best for my children.  He's starting to go downhill again in the same way that he did before our last incident.  Granted, now that I have a few skills knowing what is going on with him, I think I can avoid a situation like that again.  But how do I guarantee the best for my kids, when I honestly don't know if that is within marriage or not.  Will he get worse as our children get older and they are more opinionated?  If I leave, will they become the scapegoat that I am now?  I would never put them in that position, it is so exhausting and heart-breaking.  When he does go into his downward, blaming moods, what do I do with my children, where do I go?  How do I go without creating a scene with him in front of them?  I some real-life experienced help with this from people who are going through or have gone through a similar situation.  Is there anyone out there experiencing the same things?  Trying to make it work without just throwing in the towel and leaving my kids to such uncertainty and instability to deal with alone?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hello Redrogue and welcome to  bpdfamily.

It can be really confusing to know what steps to take when we learn a loved one is dealing with BPD. So many of us have been in your situation, wondering how to best protect our children and if there will ever be any support for us in a challenging relationship. And you are understandably scared about whether your husband will tell you to leave again.

There are many good people here on the boards that can help you sort out your feelings as you work through the decisions that you are facing. You mentioned that you have gained a few skills in understanding what is going on with him and believe you can avoid an escalating situation like you faced in the past. You may find the communication tools on these board helpful in reinforcing some of those tools. I know that they really helped me in learning to manage my communication with my undiagnosed BPD wife so that they did not devolve into endless arguments and rages. Still, we only get to control half of the conversation, right? 

How are you and your children doing right now? Are you still seeing a therapist for your own emotional support, or do you have friends or family you can reach out to? Is your husband still in therapy, and was he ever aware of his previous therapist's diagnosis?

One thing that has really held true for me in this journey of living with a person with BPD, it is important to take good care of ourselves in this process, and to really understand our own feelings. So often, we spend so much of our time reacting to our partner's feelings and moods and behaviors, it is easy to lose sight of ourselves and what we believe and what we hold dear. This site is good for helping sort through those tough feelings and begin to feel like maybe, we can see our own selves again. I am not sure if you have this experience, but if so, I really encourage you to keep posting here. There is help. You are not alone.

[Healthy88]

So sorry to hear about your situation. How old are your kids? I had no idea my H had BPD for years. 20 to be exact. Thankfully, he didn't rage much. He also seems to have narcissistic traits so his abuse is more neglect (he was always off doing whatever he wanted to, whenever he wanted) and emotional... .withdrawn, disconnected and/or the silent treatment. When he was around, it pretty much was just in a physical sense.

My children did fine as long as I was always around and the stable one. Actually, they really did very well and were very happy. After 20 years, it simply had worn me out and I finally broke (depression, anxiety & OCD). I also am a stay at home mom, was very isolated with no family locally. I didn't have much time for friends other then through the kids activities because I was doing most everything since H was rarely home to help. When he was home, he was interested in the kids, but not helping.

I guess my kids were about 9 & 11, when I started falling apart. We are currently physically separated, but H is still supporting us & we are still married. I was not happy in my marriage, personally, but would have kept our family together for the kids as long as the 3 of us were doing ok. Had I known he has uBPD, I may have been able to understand what was going on and gain enough skills to better handle him.

I think every situation is different and if there is a lot of rage and fighting, then you have to consider how that is affecting everyone. I feel that my H is about as stable as the wind. He is incredibly impulsive and incapable of predicting what is about to occur. He never learns from his mistakes so will repeat them over and over. I would not have dreamed of leaving them in his care when they were really young.

He just isn't always responsible. One got badly sunburned in his care because he didn't know to reapply sunblock while at the beach, when I left to put one down for a nap. One fell out of a car in his care, which came out sometime later. One sliced a hand on a fence and was not taken for stiches in his care (while out of town with his family). One drove a toy car off a deck onto the patio while H, his sister & brother-in-law were watching the kids (I was inside cooking dinner for everyone). I could go on, but I am sure you understand my point. Until my kids had some ability to reason for themselves, I couldn't imagine leaving them in his care. I don't even really like it now, but have no choice at the moment.

There is a lot to weigh. The ages of the kids, what is going on in the home, how you are holding up, what the alternative will be like, etc.

H88