Emotional withdrawal

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm not sure I can put up with it any more.

Since the birth of our only child, a wonderful son, 3 and a half years ago, my wife has detatched from me almost completely. 

She rarely spends time alone with me. She sleeps with our son and comes to visit me in "our" room for sex (more on that later) once every couple of months.  When we talk, it tends to be about necessities and practicalities.  When I try to discuss things that interest me or my passions, she quickly shuts down the conversation by saying something negative or dogmatic, leaving no room for discussion.

I spend most evenings alone.  I have found marriage to be a very lonely existence.

She's suspicious every time I pick up my telephone for whatever reason or talk face to face to a neighbour, male or female, when she's not right there to listen in.  She gaslights incidences of perceived infidelity like "looking" at a woman in the supermarket or street.  When I took a selfie of my son and me and sent it to my brother, she said that in future I must only ever send people photos of the whole mother/father/son family (ie including her).

She frequently accuses me of robbing the family of the money that I earn. She thinks I give it to my family to whom she never speaks because of some perceived slight.  Yet complains bitterly when about the token presents they sent her for Christmas.

She talks to me like a bossy mother. All the time.

She constantly tells me how hardworking she is (she's a SAHM in a tiny 2 bed house with a child who goes to school 4 hours every day and a husband who does a LOT of housework).  When I asked her today to come with our son and me to the park, she tried to guilt trip me into staying by saying that she had to stay because nobody else would do the work.  When I offered to help her with it at another time, she refused. When the conversation led to me suggesting she leave the housework for when our son is at school, out came the tears about how oppressive her slave like life is.

I think I've had enough. I wanted a life partner and I have had 4 and a half years of an emotionally isolated miserable life.  I don't think I can hold the outward smile much more and were it not for our son, I would get out.  I just don't think I can love someone who shows scant sign of loving me.

[Dragon72]

I'm not sure I can put up with it any more.

Since the birth of our only child, a wonderful son, 3 and a half years ago, my wife has detatched from me almost completely. 

She rarely spends time alone with me. She sleeps with our son and comes to visit me in "our" room for sex (more on that later) once every couple of months.  When we talk, it tends to be about necessities and practicalities.  When I try to discuss things that interest me or my passions, she quickly shuts down the conversation by saying something negative or dogmatic, leaving no room for discussion.

I spend most evenings alone.  I have found marriage to be a very lonely existence.

She's suspicious every time I pick up my telephone for whatever reason or talk face to face to a neighbour, male or female, when she's not right there to listen in.  She gaslights incidences of perceived infidelity like "looking" at a woman in the supermarket or street.  When I took a selfie of my son and me and sent it to my brother, she said that in future I must only ever send people photos of the whole mother/father/son family (ie including her).

She frequently accuses me of robbing the family of the money that I earn. She thinks I give it to my family to whom she never speaks because of some perceived slight.  Yet complains bitterly when about the token presents they sent her for Christmas.

She talks to me like a bossy mother. All the time.

She constantly tells me how hardworking she is (she's a SAHM in a tiny 2 bed house with a child who goes to school 4 hours every day and a husband who does a LOT of housework).  When I asked her today to come with our son and me to the park, she tried to guilt trip me into staying by saying that she had to stay because nobody else would do the work.  When I offered to help her with it at another time, she refused. When the conversation led to me suggesting she leave the housework for when our son is at school, out came the tears about how oppressive her slave like life is.

I think I've had enough. I wanted a life partner and I have had 4 and a half years of an emotionally isolated miserable life.  I don't think I can hold the outward smile much more and were it not for our son, I would get out.  I just don't think I can love someone who shows scant sign of loving me.

[Dragon72]

I promised I'd talk about sex. 

Before we got married, she used to have her hands (and occasionally her mouth) on my weiner whether in or out of bed. 

Now, on the rare occasions we do have sex (notice I don't say "make love" I do all the work. She won't even kiss me. Yet she initiates. She's happy when I go down on her. She'll only do the 2 positions she likes. She will no lift a finger to anything to give me pleasure.   It's no longer something I particularly look forward to and when it's over and she slinks back into our son's bed I feel thoroughly disappointed.

[Dragon72]

Yesterday she raged again and it got violent in as much as she slammed the door shut while I was still in the doorway, shouting "go away!", and kept slamming against my shoulder/arm until I got out of the way.

She had only got violent once before and that was when she opened the car door and punched me on the shoulder when I drove a bit too fast over a speed bump while I was telling her how I was going to have more control over the family finances when I had just discovered she had spent a large sum of money on something I had specifically not agreed to.

It's not the same as being beat up, but it's something I'll not tolerate.
Yesterday I stayed out of the house until after she went to bed. Today as usual I left for work before she was up, and I have no desire to go home until she's in bed. 
That's not a realistic option in the long term, but I just don't want to be any way near her at the moment.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dragon72, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, which is eerily similar to my marriage to my BPDxW.  If I can make a suggestion, it would be to shift the focus from your W to yourself.  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?  What would you like to see happen?  What is the right path for you?  You get the idea.  I know these are tough questions.  Suggest you do something good to care for yourself.  Do you have any close friends or family who you can reach out to?  It can be incredibly isolating in a BPD r/s.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

Upon the suspicion that your relationship is not heading towards a good place, I'd like to suggest that you are at the "call the police" stage with the physical abuse you went through.  Domestic battery is something you want to document. It is not manly to take abuse, nor is it required for you to suffer to a certain degree before being "victim."
You have grounds to have a police response. 

[Dragon72]

Thanks for the replies.

Quite apart from the episodes of dysregulation, I just don't think we "click" as a couple even in the good times.  I thought when I started out that with shared experiences our bond would grow stronger. 

I will certainly document the "violence".  Bit I'm not planning to report it to the police because I didn't bruise and I didn't feel sore.  If she had actually hurt me, it would be a different story, I think.  Besides, I live in Mexico and the police are at best useless but normally corrupt.  They would laugh at the idea of Female on Male DV.

I'm leaning towards wanting to divorce but am super worried firstly for our son and secondly for financial reasons.  We live paycheck to paycheck.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I realize I take for granted a law enforcement system that works more or less like it should.  I am sorry you don't think you'll get justice, but, I understand the sentiment.  I want to remind everyone though that men are victims probably just as much as women.  Bruises not required.
Good luck my friend!