What is the best way to leave?

[Freida]

Okay, I have been down this road before with my partner only this time I am absolutely certain about one thing and that is I am leaving because I have come to the end of walking on eggshells around him, dealing with a child in a man's body and feeling like I will have a breakdown if I stay. He was the most devoted, loving man that I'd ever met but even then there were warning bells that I wasn't listening to; the nasty ex-wife, the horrible people who were 'mean' to him and he servered contact with them immediately. Next thing I have moved in (my fault) and the honeymoon lasted about 4 mts by which time I began to question my sanity. Close friend said that 'all men of a certain age are damaged' and I should give it time. I left when he threw things because I'd interupted his facebooking time then he promised never to do it again and that he just needed time to himself. It's got to the stage that I wonder who is going to walk through the door each evening. He has left me thinking that I've accused him of all sorts of things when I knew I had not. When my family visited, he'd provoke an arguement with me. Gosh I am turning into the 'victim' he believes that he is! I can't discuss anything with him without it being a drama. Mentioning that if he doesn't fix tiles in shower the wall will be destroyed turns into 'I'm going to be doing things to this house for the rest of my life' so nothing gets done if I don't do it. Sorry for ranting but I have finally had it. I don't want to make love to a child, deal with one and tantrums. So finally; how do I tell him that I am leaving without him throwing the ultimate tantrum or hurting himself or me come to that? I realise that I had a part to play in all of this and I will be seeking counselling. He is on antedepressants for 10yrs now so hopefully he won't do anything stupid. I also have to leave some of my stuff because I can't afford storage and can only get a room. If anyone has been through this and survived, I'd welcome any advise.

[infjEpic]

So finally; how do I tell him that I am leaving without him throwing the ultimate tantrum or hurting himself or me come to that?

In my experience, telling them inevitably leads to that.
Do you consider him dangerous or are you concerned for your safety?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Freida, Welcome!  In my view, there's no "good time" to leave.  At some point, you just have to do it.  I think you'll know when that time comes (maybe you already do).  Concerning how to go about it, suggest you remain calm and not participate in any drama.  Suggest you avoid blaming him; instead, maybe you can say something neutral, such as "It just didn't work out for me."  Be ready for an onslaught of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) which is likely to kick in with his fear of abandonment.  Don't allow yourself to be manipulated.  The bottom line is that you need a break from him.

LuckyJim

[Freida]

I guess there must be some fear there of being harmed as I can't remember writing it. I do have a feeling that it will be just like the million times I've tried to come to some sort of resolution and he either hears that I'm blaming him (when I thought I was being fair) or he runs away in his ute to think about it. Nothing ever gets resolved. I am a counselor for heavens sake so why didn't I know what was happening?

[infjEpic]

I guess there must be some fear there of being harmed as I can't remember writing it. I do have a feeling that it will be just like the million times I've tried to come to some sort of resolution and he either hears that I'm blaming him (when I thought I was being fair) or he runs away in his ute to think about it. Nothing ever gets resolved.

Very perceptive.
Any logical or rational attempt you try to give to end the relationship has a very high probability of being shaming to a pwBPD - that will most likely provoke a very strong reaction. Avoid this.

I really wouldn't go down the telling him route - if you are concerned for your safety.

If you insist tho - I would strongly advise you to lay all the blame on yourself.
I continually used phrases such as
"I no longer want to be the source of your pain"
"I'm not capable of being in a relationship, this is incredibly unfair and destructive toward you - I need to see a therapist and fix my own issues"
etc.

As LuckyJim said - there is no 'good time', but maybe this is an opportune time - when you have clarity.
Despite what you know now - Fear, Obligation, Guilt and Shame - have a quite unbelievable way of distorting your logical processing unit.If you wait too long, you may get sucked back in. (Don't say that doesn't apply to me, because you can be very unpleasantly surprised)

Expect your partner to be on best behaviour and expect periods of lucidity - where you will believe that ye can overcome the issues together... .unfortunately, that is not going to happen without serious intervention and it often takes years.

I wouldn't leave anything behind if you plan to ever see it again. Leave it at your parents, at a friends - whatever options are available.

When you leave, you need to cut all possible forms of contact. He will most likely become more unpredictable than ever - that could mean violence or it could mean attempts to 'recycle' you

I am a counselor for heavens sake so why didn't I know what was happening?

You do know now.
That is enough for now.

[Aesir]

Okay, I have been down this road before with my partner only this time I am absolutely certain about one thing and that is I am leaving because I have come to the end of walking on eggshells around him, dealing with a child in a man's body and feeling like I will have a breakdown if I stay. He was the most devoted, loving man that I'd ever met but even then there were warning bells that I wasn't listening to; the nasty ex-wife, the horrible people who were 'mean' to him and he servered contact with them immediately. Next thing I have moved in (my fault) and the honeymoon lasted about 4 mts by which time I began to question my sanity. Close friend said that 'all men of a certain age are damaged' and I should give it time. I left when he threw things because I'd interupted his facebooking time then he promised never to do it again and that he just needed time to himself. It's got to the stage that I wonder who is going to walk through the door each evening. He has left me thinking that I've accused him of all sorts of things when I knew I had not. When my family visited, he'd provoke an arguement with me. Gosh I am turning into the 'victim' he believes that he is! I can't discuss anything with him without it being a drama. Mentioning that if he doesn't fix tiles in shower the wall will be destroyed turns into 'I'm going to be doing things to this house for the rest of my life' so nothing gets done if I don't do it. Sorry for ranting but I have finally had it. I don't want to make love to a child, deal with one and tantrums. So finally; how do I tell him that I am leaving without him throwing the ultimate tantrum or hurting himself or me come to that? I realise that I had a part to play in all of this and I will be seeking counselling. He is on antedepressants for 10yrs now so hopefully he won't do anything stupid. I also have to leave some of my stuff because I can't afford storage and can only get a room. If anyone has been through this and survived, I'd welcome any advise.

I had to do the same thing. I got tired of walking on eggshells with my ex girlfriend and just left.  One day I had gotten complacent and said something that made her snap. I had been thinking of leaving her before but that was the last straw.

[Freida]

My thanks to all who have taken the time to reply. I value your imput and I will use the technique of blaming myself as I really don't want to just leave without giving a reason. Maybe I will just bottle out and run with my dog. Yes, he is being lovely atm on the phone. I am on a course for youth counsellors as that's what I do... .fix people. I am at times bewildered at how I managed to be in this madness, angry, tearful and frightened. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about all of this. I am new to this site. One thing I wanted to ask but am a little timid or maybe it should be in another topic but has anyone found that in the bedroom with their BPD partner, they have wondered why there is no 'making love' just 'sex'? Maybe it's just my relationship. I feel good that I am away on this course even if I can't concentrate or spell but dreading going back to either face him or bolt. I have asked to be relocated in my job to the city. I will know the answer tomorrow.

[woundedPhoenix]

One thing I wanted to ask but am a little timid or maybe it should be in another topic but has anyone found that in the bedroom with their BPD partner, they have wondered why there is no 'making love' just 'sex'?

making love = intimacy
sex = lust

a BPD partner ussually is highly avoidant of intimacy, and often this is masked by a very primal type of sex, no foreplay, no kisses and hugs

[Freida]

Thank-you wounded for clearing that up for me. I knew it was 'wrong' in the bedroom. Gosh I have a lot to learn.

[FallenOne]

making love = intimacy
sex = lust

a BPD partner ussually is highly avoidant of intimacy, and often this is masked by a very primal type of sex, no foreplay, no kisses and hugs

Mine liked foreplay and bedroom intimacy... Especially in the beginning. This is not entirely true...

[IamGrey]

Mine liked foreplay and bedroom intimacy... Especially in the beginning. This is not entirely true...

Ditto. And kissing. And hugging.

[Azrimic]

Ditto. And kissing. And hugging.

Mine too.  To the point that EVERY time HAD to last for hours and hours and hours.  And if I didn't feel like it (I have been under a lot of stress for almost a year now and my 'mojo' is the first thing to vanish when I'm stressed) she would lay the guilt trip on:  "You KNOW that sex is the only thing that lets me relax / gives me a break from the noise in my head / etc etc etc"

[FallenOne]

Mine would turn me down when she didn't feel like having sex or wasn't in the mood... .And I had to accept that and be okay with it for the sake of how she felt about it...

But If I ever turned her down because I wasn't in the mood or wasn't feeling it that day... .Look out... Insecurities, crying, depression, feeling worthless, raging, you name it... .


One-sided... .

[Freida]

I can see that there are differences in the experiences of others in regards to sex but my experience is that I wasn't allowed to initiate anything sexual as I was being 'slutty' while he gets to make all the advances regardless of how I felt. If I turned him down because I was ill, tired etc, it was taken as an insult. Whenever he'd had a few drinks it got worse. I came to dread the bedroom because it was all about him.

[Cookie Monster]

Frieda,   My husband was similar to yours when it came to sex.  He was my 1st so I didn't know any different way, for a long time thought that it was supposed to be that way.  I agree with the poster who said it's the fear of intimacy & engulfment.  That's probably why we lasted for 9 years.  I finally left because of his rages-they were scary.  Wish you well, CM

[infjEpic]

I can see that there are differences in the experiences of others in regards to sex but my experience is that I wasn't allowed to initiate anything sexual as I was being 'slutty' while he gets to make all the advances regardless of how I felt. If I turned him down because I was ill, tired etc, it was taken as an insult. Whenever he'd had a few drinks it got worse. I came to dread the bedroom because it was all about him.

This sounds more like Narcissist traits rather than BPD.

I think you'll find in most healthy relationship, if you initiate, your partner will feel desirable and will really appreciate it.

[Freida]

Thank you Cookie monster, it's good to know I'm not alone in this experience. My head is sore from thinking about what I 'thought' might be 'normal'. I thought it was his inability to acheive errection that made him push me away but now that I'm not that interested, he can't get enough of me... .on his terms. No talking and do it his way or wait for the tantrum. I am also wondering if he has Vulnerable Narrcissist traits InfjEpic, but my head is reeling and all I know is that something is very wrong.