Getting stronger, and he's getting madder.

[loyalwife]

 This is day two of conflict. It started over something benign (as usual). It's almost as if he is looking for a fight or a way to get mad. The tides have changed and what used to be 'the dogs, my son' is now me. He told me last night that he didn't like looking at me anymore as I am to blame for his unhappiness. I followed advice (thank you) and quietly went to bed, and left him alone. He stayed up all night working and at 7 am he came to bed, and it's as if nothing was wrong. I woke up, made breakfast, and it seemed the day would be okay, yet I could tell he was still mad. He saw something on a bill and said it was my fault that he wasn't paying his bills and once again was mad at me. I quietly went about my business not engaging with him. He just came into my office and yelled at me and said that this wasn't working. I said that we had a lot to get done and arguing would have to wait, which threw him into a rage. He said, "Great, when you want to work you don't want to talk about it." I don't want to talk about it because I am sick and tired of the merry go round. Nothing is resolved, and he wants me to leave. I won't. He can leave if he's so unhappy, but he would rather that I go with nothing. I asked him if he loved me yesterday and he said he did. I love him, even with all the craziness of BPD brings, I want to be his anchor. I can't make him happy and neither will go. It will only go to show that everyone leaves him and that he can't count on anyone. The more distant I am the madder he is getting. I've read somewhere that he is looking for me to engage emotionally so that he can feel (?).   Sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy one and start the fights, but I know this is untrue.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Healthy88]

Congrats for working on your skills. It is hard to do and easy to slip back. As for your feeling like the crazy one and starting arguments, I can relate. I have read the longer one remains in this type of relationship, they can actually take on some traits of BPD themselves. I can see that. Arguing and raging is not my thing, if I can connect both intellectually and emotionally with someone. I much prefer to express myself verbally and talk things out in a healthy, mature manner.

However, several years into the marriage, I began to loose it at times because I could only hold things in for so long and really found no other way to express my frustrations with him and the situation. Of course, I also did not know I was dealing with BPD and had zero skills. After all, I am a Taurus. Incredibly loyal, loving and family oriented, but if you are going to push me into a corner you will see the strong willed bull in the china shop emerge. I was raised by a male Taurus who could read my emotions like a book and work me mentally like a pro. He knew how to handle me and get me to do pretty much what he wanted. He would gently, intellectually lay the seeds, give me time to think about it and I would almost always come around when I was ready to. My father was also a very intelligent, thought out man.

My H is very impulsive, impatient and pushy. He comes at me with great force and control and has yet to realize, 20 years later, that style just doesn't work with me.

As for the mean things they say. I have been told with anger that I had never seen before that my H hated me for ruining his life, that he loves me... .but is not in love with me (think he may have been cheating then), that he would rather commit suicide than have me take care of him when he gets older, that he hates me and so does my family, etc. Then in the next breath he may ask me if I will be up to a family trip to Disney in Oct. Thankfully, right now I am able to not let his words cut like a knife anymore. I can sit back and watch his show and him dysregulate from one topic to the next. I definitely have a lot more skills to learn and it is easier for me to handle with some physical distance between us right now. The calmer I can remain, the more I can see that I am not the crazier one here. Even though, he can make me crazy at times for sure.